Wednesday, 31 December 2008
Tuesday, 30 December 2008
Monday, 29 December 2008
Sunday, 28 December 2008
Upbeat Brown Rouses Britain By Recalling Good Old Days Of Most Destructive Cataclysm Ever Inflicted Upon Mankind
Saturday, 27 December 2008
Friday, 26 December 2008
Wednesday, 24 December 2008
Many African leaders have been swift to condemn the junta's seizure of power from the poverty-stricken country's corrupt government.
"General Conte was a great man," said Zimbabwe's Robert Mugabe, "And he had a great bank balance to prove it. He was also a great democratic innovator, generously allowing only a complete nobody to stand against him in a mockery of a presidential election. I wish I'd thought of that, instead of letting that irritating bastard Tsvangirai run."
The National Council for Democracy and Development has named Captain Moussa Dadis Camara as its president, declared a curfew and warned generals loyal to the government not to use mercenaries to regain power. Captain Camara has stated that "free, credible and transparent elections" would be held in December 2009.
"That is something else that worries us," said an African Union spokesman. "It could set a bad precedent for the entire continent. Nevertheless, we are hopeful that a couple of months in power will work its usual magic on these idealistic young hotheads. Once they realise how easy it is to divert investment and tax income into their own pockets, no doubt things will settle down into the usual pattern."
Few ordinary Guineans appear to be unduly discomfited by the curfew - which has led to the closure of shops and petrol stations in the capital, Conakry - as most of them are too poor to shop much anyway, let alone own a car.
Meanwhile, the European Union and the United States have joined the AU in condemnation of the coup.
"It's all very well banging on about the democracy thing like it's some worthwhile goal in itself, or something," said President George W Bush. "General Conte may have been a thieving, dictatorial thug, but a few judicious bungs to him and his minsterial henchmen made Guinea a great place for corporate America to do business - and that's the bottom line, my friends."
"You wouldn't believe how little it costs to bribe a corrupt government," confirmed Gordon Brown. "A second-hand Jag with a built-in DVD player and a box set of old Arnold Schwarzenegger movies will keep a greedy cabinet minister on-message for a year or more."
And it's no different in Guinea, either," he added.
"Thank you, Santa, for this wonderful Whittards of Chelsea tea-and-coffee set," said an excited Ernst & Young. "I've always wanted to see a huge wad of cash poured into my mug by a rich private equity firm. And thank you for all the brilliant CDs, DVDs and games that came with my lovely new Zavvi. I'm probably going to play with that for a week or two, before flogging it off to some greedy investors."
"deer santa you carnt immagen how hapie i wus toe reseev my nis orficers club outfitt," wrote little PriceWaterhouse, in a moving 'thank-you' letter. "it wuz juss wot i wantd and i hav oreddy sowed it on four a grait big stak of shinie coins. i am reelie looken forwod toe 20009."
The lucky little accountants were solemnly reminded to spare a thought those less fortunate than themselves at Christmas time, however. Unlucky Deloitte, for example, were only given cast-off Woolies and a broken Entertainment UK centre from the scrapheap - while poor MCR have received nothing at all for their unwanted MFI home construction set.
The misery of the financial have-nots failed to burden the excited accountants' minds for long, however, as they eagerly tucked into a splendid Christmas dinner feast of Bollinger at Quaglino's.
Tuesday, 23 December 2008
Monday, 22 December 2008
Sunday, 21 December 2008
As it was taking off, the Continental Airlines Boeing 737 veered off the runway, crashed down a ravine and burst into flames.
The news media rushed to the scene, to find passengers escaping from the inferno via the emergency exits in an orderly manner, under the calm supervision of the cabin crew. Heroic reporters risked their lives trying to close some of the exit hatches, whilst colleagues bravely rushed down the steep slopes waving cigarette lighters and tried to ignite dazed, fuel-drenched survivors.
Despite the best efforts of the press, however, many of the survivors remained shaken but unhurt. Patrick Hynes, chief of the city Fire Department's Airport Division, said that 38 of the 112 survivors had been taken to hospital.
"Injuries ranged from broken bones to significant fractures and bumps and bruises," he told shocked, weeping journalists.
Back in the newsrooms of the world, red-eyed editors were forced to give horror-seeking viewers blanket coverage of the Lockerbie crash, which happened 20 years ago but at least had a suitably mind-numbing body count.
"It's a disaster," said a BBC spokesman. "At Christmas time, viewers have come to depend on terrifying scenes of random death and destruction on a massive scale, so they can count themselves fortunate that their own suffering is limited to indigestion, the in-laws and waiting for January's credit card statement. But this year we have nothing but repeats to take their minds off it all."
"No decision has been made yet," said a government official. "Nor will it be, while the media are sniffing around. The social fund provides affordable credit to worthless pieces of shit whom nobody cares about. We are now exploring how we can make it more widely available to working people instead, who don't need it anyway as they can always run up an overdraft with their bank."
Asked whether Gordon Brown would personally go round with a cricket bat and break the legs of any pauper defaulting on an instalment, the spokesman said that, although the Prime Minister's legendary hatred and contempt for the poor knew no bounds, the responsibility would be best left to the friendly local credit unions - along with any resulting bad publicity.
Covers of the cheery "Hallelujah" occupied the top spot and number two, with X-Factor karaoke winner Alexandra Who narrowly pipping the long-dead Tim Buckley to the coveted number one position. A re-release of legendary party animal Cohen's original version from 1984 was at number 36.
Other fun-packed festive Cohen covers filling the charts this Christmas include "Ain't No Cure For Love" by Beyonce, "Death of A Ladies' Man" by Boyzone, "There Is A War" by Leona Lewis and "Paper-Thin Hotel" by Take That.
"Pop fans can look forward to an unforgettable singalong party Christmas in 2008," said Radio 1's Vernon Kay, as he looped a tinsel noose around a light fitting.
Friday, 19 December 2008
Wednesday, 17 December 2008
Tuesday, 16 December 2008
Monday, 15 December 2008
Front-page headlines in the Herald highlighting the disturbing rise - which bucks the national trend - sparked punch-ups in newsagents and supermarkets, and spontaneous rioting was reported in the city's three traditional fight arenas of Union Street, Mutley Plain and the historic Barbican.
"In other parts of the country violent crime is on the wane, thanks to high-visibility policing and Gordon Brown's inspired fiddling of the statistics," Vivien Pengelly, leader of Plymouth City Council, told the Nev Filter. "However, in Plymouth there is a large population of ignorant fuckers who are genetically closer to bonobo chimpanzees than human beings. When they get excited they either fight or fuck. Or both at the same time."
"Y'want some, wanka?" she added. "Come on, then."
"As a matter of urgency, we are implementing an action plan to deal with the escalating violence in Plymouth," warned the Chief Constable, Stephen Otter. "We are putting extra officers 'on the beat', which means they will beat seven colours of shit out of every fucker that crosses their path. That should teach them. Got a problem with that, y'cunt?"
Concerned community leaders from notorious flashpoints such as the Barbican, Barne Barton, Cattedown, Chaddlewood, the City Centre, Crownhill, Derriford, Devonport, Efford, Eggbuckland, Estover, Ham, Hartley, Higher and Lower Compton, Laira, Manadon, Mannamead, Marsh Mills, Mount Wise, Mutley, North Hill, Pennycomequick, Pennycross, Plymstock, Plympton, Southway, St. Budeaux, St. Judes, St. Peter's, Stonehouse, Tamerton Foliot, West Hoe and Whitleigh are meeting up in North Prospect to discuss the problem with an assortment of clubs, knives and broken bottles.
The Nev Filter sent a work-experience trainee out onto the streets of the city to canvass local opinion. After being repeatedly asked what the fuck he thought he was looking at, he is now continuing his investigations in the A&E unit of Derriford Hospital, another well-known hot-spot for fights.
Meanwhile, local tourism chiefs tried to talk up the city's unfortunate reputation as the arse end of Britain with the slogan: "Come to Plymouth and Fuck Off."
The winning baby, Sammy-Leeanne, was praised by judges for having two eyes, one nose, one mouth and a pair of ears, and all in the right place.
"Of course, the photographs only show the baby's face," said the Herald's editor, "For all we know, little Sammy-Leeanne could have fins and a prehensile tail. Still, at least she has a humanoid head, which is an improvement on most of the population round here."
The rare, human-faced baby and its low-radiation mother are to receive tickets out of Plymouth.
Unions have added their voices to calls for the UK government to throw some more money it hasn't got into the gaping chasm of business finance.
"Since you're giving it away like there's no tomorrow, Gordon, how about a bung to what we in the trade laughingly refer to as the British car industry?" said Tony Woodley, joint leader of Unite. "Otherwise the few remaining workers who serve the mighty robots might lose their jobs. Sod everyone else - if the bastards hadn't stopped buying cars, we wouldn't be in this mess."
Senior figures in the motor industry squealed their agreement and pointed to their gaping beaks.
"Admittedly the continued existence of the UK motor industry is entirely at the mercy and whim of the American, Japanese, Chinese, French and German companies who actually own it," added Mr Woodley, "But I'm sure they wouldn't turn down a couple of billion of taxpayers' cash to cover their embarrassment at making long-term financial plans predicated solely on the somewhat fanciful notion that the economic boom would last forever. Go on, widoncha. It's not like it's your money, is it?"
"His evil spirit will torment the corpses of his wife and daughter for all eternity," said one shocked non-relative. "What kind of sick justice is that?"
Another person entirely unconnected with the family suggested that, in the event of a zombie outbreak, the reanimated cadavers of Jill and Kirstie Foster would suffer the unspeakable horror of embarking on their flesh-eating rampage in the company of the callous husband and father who so brutally snuffed out their lives.
Headlines such as "Will Their Suffering Never End?" and "Bury This Monster On A Landfill Site" screamed out from the tabloids.
"Oh, for God's sake grow up," said a bishop this morning. "They're dead, OK?"
Sunday, 14 December 2008
The unnamed Iraqi reporter delivered the early Christmas present at high velocity at a press conference. He was immediately surrounded by an appreciative group of security guards, who congratulated him on his seasonal offering by good-naturedly slapping him on the back, face, groin and kidneys while the beaming president looked on.
Mr Bush had previously been participating in a festive party game with the Iraqi government on Saturday to see who could come up with the silliest word. The US team were declared the winners, after Defense Secretary Robert Gates reduced players to tears of laughter with his straight-faced claim that the process of "drawdown" had begun.
Parents were beside themselves with anger when their children stumbled home in tears after the evil, twisted supply teacher at Blackshaw Lane Primary School told them that Father Christmas wasn't real, and their presents were just bought for them in a shop by their parents.
"It is not for teachers to contradict any child's fondly-held beliefs with inconvenient facts," said a spokesman for the council, adding that the head of the school had been ordered to write out 'My staff must not tell the truth' 500 times.
"I'm bloody fuming, like," said one local parent. "Next thing, some bastard might be telling my precious little darling that the world doesn't actually revolve around him, or he might need to work a tiny bit harder if he doesn't want to look forward to a life of stacking shelves. That would just break his little heart. The next teacher I run into is going to get a right lamping, so help me God."
Other concerned parents agreed, saying that if this sort of thing wasn't stamped out, their little men and princesses might even get the impression that, far from mummy loving daddy and dearly wanting to start a family, the harsh truth was that they were no more than the unwanted result of a furtive, fumbling shag behind the pub after an ill-considered night of pissing it up on the Bacardi Breezers.
The Nev Filter asked some typical seven-year-olds what cherished beliefs they held to be true - but, unfortunately, all we gleaned from our research was that they were all a bunch of hopelessly self-deluded little gits.
"It's a bloody fix innit?" said one former fan, speaking for many. "If voting changed anything, they'd ban it."
Angry fans were divided on the way forward, however. Some favoured anarchy, with all dancers performing simultaneously until they individually decided to stop dancing and do something else. Others said that what was needed was the emergence of a strong, no-nonsense leader who would simply tell people which dance couple was the best, and execute the rest.
One older viewer, who suggested that each pair should dance to the best of their ability and be awarded prizes according to their needs, was laughed at by all the others and told to wake up to the reality of reality shows in the 21st century.
Saturday, 13 December 2008
"Our group is Justice March for Baby P but we are not forgetting babies A-Z," declared Dolly Barton, one of the organisers. The group is seeking urgent - though unspecified - changes in child protection laws and social services, and begs supporters: "Please let's stop this happening again and again. A little stroll through town on Saturday should sort it."
The nationwide protests will culminate in the delivery of petitions to 10 Downing Street, demanding that the government act immediately to stop really bad things from ever happening again.
"What we want is... er... I dunno reely," said Plymouth marcher Sammy-Leanne, 19, who had left her three children at home in the care of a Playstation 2. "It's all the bloody Social's fault, yeah? They ort to take babies off child-murderers, right, before they like murder them and that, shouldn't they? Obvious."
The march is expected to save the lives of trillions of at-risk children - and all thanks to the mighty power of Facebook.
Surviving eyewitnesses reported that the jury foreman had just told coroner Sir Michael Wrong: "Since we've been royally stitched up by you, mate, we the jury would like to point the blame squarely at the murdering bastard police in the only way available to us, by returning an open verdict. You know exactly what we mean."
Moments later, dozens of anti-terrorist experts from the elite Bastard Squad burst into the courtroom, causing pandemonium. Terrified jurors were pinned to the floor by burly officers in flak jackets while their colleagues emptied their automatic rifles into the jurors' heads. Amid scenes of uproar in the public gallery, a gore-spattered senior officer stood up and apologised to the coroner for the unfortunate incident.
"All right, guv'nor? I'm sure you heard me clearly shout to the jury - whom we understandably mistook, in the heat of the moment, for a highly dangerous cell of al-Qaeda martyrs - to stand perfectly still," he told a nodding Sir Michael.
The coroner told the officer that he quite understood, and looked forward to presiding over the subsequent inquest into the slaughter.
The country's liar-in-chief told the world's media that the non-outbreak - which has killed 792 fictitious people - was "a calculated, racist, terrorist attack on Zimbabwe."
President Robert Mugabe has already claimed that the Western powers have deliberately infected him with a terrifying strain of megalomania, causing a massive outbreak of pathological lying and leading to a fatal disdain for his people's welfare.
"Zimbabwe's sewers contain nothing but pure spring water with a slight zest of lemon, and our hospitals are closed only because nobody in this Earthly paradise ever needs one," he told reporters. "You see? There I go again. I can't help myself."
Other African nations, however, are still clinging to the fond belief that all of Zimbabwe's problems will magically disappear, if only Mr Mugabe and his political rival Morgan Tsvangirai would just shake hands and sort out their minor differences of opinion.
Meanwhile, the British government has poured scorn on Mr Nvodlu's claims.
"If we had really been developing cholera as a biological weapon, rest assured that it would have accidentally leaked out into the population of Britain by now," pointed out Foreign Secretary Miliband One.
Friday, 12 December 2008
Readers were left stunned and confused, as odd-numbered pages condemned the brutal lynching, whilst pages on the left continued to whip up their raging paedo-frenzy.
"I don't understand," said one slack-jawed Sun reader. "For years I've been led to believe that we need to bring back the death sentence to deal with these sick perverts, and they want to have their goolies cut off. Some bunch of decent, public-spirited vigilantes have done the coppers' jobs for them - i.e. cut this bugger's goolies off and topped him - and now the papers are calling them a baying mob of murdering thugs. I don't get it. My moral compass is all over the place. Somebody, please, tell me what to think."
More blindly self-righteous members of the public were unmoved, however.
"The law in this country's a sick joke these days, innit?" snarled one concerned parent. "If they get nicked, these heroes - these saints what's walkin' among us! - are looking at twelve years minimum. Twelve bleedin' years! They ought to give 'em all bloody knighthoods! I hope they all went straight back home after, all covered in perv blood, and told their little angels what they done on their behalf! They done 'em proud, if you ask me. Gawd bless 'em! Makes me proud to be British."
"Know what I think?" she went on. "We ought to abolish the police and the courts - cos they're a joke, right - and take the law into our own hands. There's single mums on benefits just down the road, living the life of Riley and laughing at the likes of decent, hard-working folk like you and me, and it really pisses me off. I'd sew their fannies up, I would straight. That'd stop their little game. Same with the unemployed, the lazy buggers. I'd round them all up, hand them a shovel each, force them to dig a bloody great hole, then shoot them all. Except for me dad of course, it's not his fault he's got stress and a bad back, is it?"
"As for them Muslims," she added, "Don't get me started."
"We're currently at an early stage in our enquiries, and are keeping an open mind about the circumstances of this man's death," commented DCI Nick Gent of the Metropolitan Police. "It could be a particularly vigorous form of suicide, for example, or maybe Mr Cunningham could have tripped over and fallen into a large box of knives - possibly twenty or thirty times."
Wednesday, 10 December 2008
“The colonial arch-imperialist Brown and his lackeys, the Americans, want to annexe our beautiful, prosperous country on the trumped-up excuse that some of you have a mild case of the trots,” said the 84-year-old dictator. “Now is the time for all loyal Zimbabweans - that means everyone, by the way - to put on a big nappy, pick up their AK47 and shoot the first white racist bastard they see coming down the street.”
“I’m pleased to see that eighteen - and counting - human rights activists and MDC advisors are so eager to repel the white peril that they have gone to ground, presumably to form a Vietcong-style resistance movement in the event of foreign occupation,” he added. “In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if more and more of them turned out to be occupying holes in the ground in the next few days.”
Ordinary Zimbabweans suffering from the rapid spread of cholera - caused by the total breakdown of the bankrupt nation’s neglected infrastructure - were deeply moved by their President’s appeal.
“Until recently, I couldn’t give a shit about anything Mugabe said,” said one dying Harare resident sitting on a bucket. “Now I give a shit about every five minutes. If the neo-colonialist invaders are coming, could they bring a few hundred sanitation engineers, a convoy of antibiotics and about fifty million water purification tablets, please?”
According to a poll conducted for the government’s Alcohol Is Really Very Bad campaign, 43% of drinkers aged between 18 and 34 said they needed to get absolutely shit-faced before mustering the necessary confidence to throw a glass of cheap tanker wine in the face of their smug superiors and give them a piece of their mind.
Of the remainder, 44% said they didn’t need any Dutch courage, they’d do it anyway and the other 3% said, “See me in my office tomorrow, 9 o’clock sharp. And don’t bother packing your lunch.”
“Lissen up an' lissen good, scum,” snarled the minister. “We graciously gives you a fat handout every fortnight to piss up against the wall, see? Well, now we wants something in return. From now on you’re gonna have to work or starve. Some of you crafty beggars might get orf light wiv some noddy course in pick-pocketry, but I expect most of you will be put to work stacking shelves in my good friend Mr Fagin’s supermarket.”
The draconian scheme does not, however, extend to decent gentlefolk from the home counties who might be experiencing the unlooked-for embarrassment of finding themselves, through no fault of their own, temporarily bereft of employment due to the global economic situation. Instead, such worthy, deserving cases will be given access to free Master’s degree courses, with the fees paid out the universities' funds.
“Course, all that rough talk wot I was giving out earlier, that’s just for them working-class shirkers, innit guv? It don’t apply to the likes of you an’ me,” Mr Purnell told a packed House of Commons. “Dare I say it, a lot of us ‘uns is goin’ to be down the social usselves in a year or so’s time. Coo, fancy me with a Master’s in Political Science, eh? Lavly jubbly!”
Several rebellious backbench Labour MPs have, however, expressed outrage at the minister’s proposals, and are threatening to create a storm of protest until they are bought off with some token promises. Some went so far as to claim that the government was, in effect, turning its back on the welfare state.
"When them bloody Trots dumped a cradle-to-grave welfare state on Britain in 1945, amid all the general hoohah about a fairer society an' all that tosh they must of clean forgot to exclude all them working-class buggers," Mr Purnell went on. "Now it's time to fix that good an' proper. Stands to reason, dunnit?"
All over the south east, the middle classes were reported to be frothing with delight at Mr Purnell's announcement.
"This not only promises unnecessary misery and humiliation for the hoi polloi," said a futures trader from Kingston who had recently received a P45, "It reassures people like me that we're not like them at all."
He then shouted over the garden fence to his neighbour: "What's that subject you teach, Bryan? See you in class tomorrow!"
Tuesday, 9 December 2008
The lethal death-sticks will be hidden from sight at counters up and down the country, a move which health campaigners say will prevent the exceptionally stupid - whom they define as young people - from purchasing them.
“If cigarettes are removed from public display, people will just walk past the supermarket’s fag counter, assuming that it only sells lottery tickets,” said the BMA’s Dr Benito Hitler. “Of course, the counter will have to be six feet high to contain all the fag packets, but that will be an extra disincentive to buy these deadly hell-tubes. Especially for the short, who are particularly at risk as there is less of them to be eaten away by cancer.”
Ministers are also minded to replace counter staff with uniformed police. Furthermore, smokers will be banned from mentioning any brand names, forcing them to request the tar-and-nicotine cocktail of their choice in code. Examples include:
20 B&H: “I have a huge wart on my private parts”;
A multipack of Marlboro: “I touch small children”;
A packet of Rizlas: “I am wearing a bomb belt.”
Smokers will also have their photographs and fingerprints taken, with the details being added to the police database under the heading ‘sociopathic recidivists and probable criminal masterminds'.
The ghost of record-breaking multi-instrumentalist Roy Castle, speaking through a British Medical Association-approved medium, endorsed the new measures, saying: “I speak for all non-smokers when I say my death was entirely caused by breathing other people’s second-hand smoke, despite an annoying-but-irrelevant lack of evidence for this belief. Anyone who dares to question me is a dangerous subversive and should be reported to the authorities immediately. Buy Niquitin, kids - it’s a record habit-breaker!”
Relatives of the dead crew have long maintained that the 1994 crash - in which a Chinook HC Mk2 helicopter carrying police and military intelligence staff from Northern Ireland flew into a fog-covered hillside, killing all 29 on board - may not have been caused by the pilots being too stupid to check the radar, as the RAF Board of Inquiry insists.
They suggest instead that, with known failures of the type’s Textron-Lycoming FADEC engine management system causing engines to shut down or surge, leading to a catastrophic loss of control, the Mk2 Chinook may perhaps not have been the safest aircraft ever to take to the skies. This view, they claim, may perhaps have been on the experts’ minds at RAe Farnborough when they refused to test-fly the type.
The Defence Secretary, however, unequivocally dispelled all doubts in his statement.
“The workings of the Ministry of Defence are mysterious and wonderful to behold,” he said. “When it comes down a choice of whether to pin the blame on the top brass or a couple of convenient dead guys, the top brass are united in telling me that the only sensible course of action is the latter - all the more so since Textron-Lycoming have such a pro-active legal department.”
“History and experience shows that the powers-that-be would never show such callous disregard for the lives of serving personnel as to push defective equipment into service,” he added. “The Snatch Land Rover, the SA80 rifle, the Nimrod, the Hercules - the list of utterly safe, well-designed kit is endless.”
Reassured citizens are reported to be queuing up outside recruiting centres today, keen to join up now that they know their welfare is indeed the paramount consideration of the chiefs of staff.
Monday, 8 December 2008
Despite the arrest of two police officers - who had claimed that they only fired warning shots - over the shooting, the hot-headed protests show no sign of abating.
All over Britain, viewers were tutting in disapproval at their televisions at the embarrassing public displays of emotion by rioting Greek anarchists.
“We really don’t go in for that kind of thing over here, you know,” said Acting Chief Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson of the Metropolitan Police. “Look at what happened when our boys shot that Brazilian chap: absolutely bugger all. And he wasn’t chucking rocks, either - he was just minding his own business. Any other country in the world, you’d have had riots in the streets, and the officers concerned would be hung out to dry by the courts. Thank God for the legendary phlegmatic national character of the typical Brit.”
Sir Paul was interrupted, however, by the news that a group of protesters in London was attempting to storm the Greek embassy.
“Right lads, time to unwrap the Tasers,” he announced. “Let’s see how they protest when they’re shitting themselves with 10,000 volts up the arse. Everyone got their headcams? This’ll look bloody hilarious on YouTube.”
The protesters from campaign group Plane Stupid occupied a taxiway 50 metres from the main runway, chaining themselves to concrete blocks to draw attention to the aviation industry’s 13% contribution to total UK carbon dioxide emissions, and bringing chaos to the air travel industry for five hours before they were removed.
Delay-hit passengers said they were generally sympathetic to the issue of climate change, but said they would rather their own flights had left on time, all things considered.
“Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want my children to grow up on a toxic, barren, dying planet,” said one impatient traveller. “But I also don’t want to sit around here twiddling my thumbs when I could be shopping in Paris. Why can’t they just take off anyway? One or two protesters sucked into a turbofan is a price worth paying for my God-given right to buy things in the European capital of my choice.”
Miliband Two later issued a statement clarifying his position on climate protests.
“When I told the papers I wanted to see a global mass-protest movement to pressure world leaders into tackling climate change, what I meant was that campaigners should go to China or India and politely wave the odd placard or two at their politicians,” he intoned. “I certainly don’t condone inconsiderate actions like this, which aim to upset decent British people by suggesting that the ruination of the world’s fragile environment may, in some way, be related to their privileged lifestyles.”
A spokesman for Stansted operators BAA reassured travellers that the airport was rapidly returning to normal levels of service and pollution.
Sunday, 7 December 2008
Friday, 5 December 2008
“Credit crunch definitely to blame, not three years of crappy results,” explained Honda’s unfortunately-named president, Takeo Fukui. “You want Jenson Button? He real cheap. He boring drip, but possibly make good tea. How about Barrichello? He nice guy, he do washing up. He washed up at Honda for years.”
FIA President Max Mosley said there was a “serious danger” that other teams might follow Honda, although traditionally that was a position only taken by Force India and Super Aguri.
“Unless we can get costs down, the Formula One community is going to feel a lot of pain in 2009,” he said. “Personally, I can’t wait.”
Power-crazed midget Bernie Ecclestone was sanguine about the news, however, pointing out that there were plenty of motor manufacturers in the developing world, eager to raise worldwide awareness of their products.
“I’m sure the grid would be shaken up by exciting new cars like the Hindustan Ambassador and the Mahindra Jeep,” he said. “And the introduction of a little electric runabout like the G-Wiz would certainly break the deadlock over engine restrictions.”
“According to a little-known rule of the European Broadcasting Union, the UK’s commentator must come from Ireland,” said a BBC spokesman. “Sadly, that puts Nick Griffin of the BNP out of the running. Don’t be too upset, though - the same rules mean that eleven other countries must have British commentators moaning about the entries, the hosts, the sets, and the voting system. For example, the considered opinions of art critic Brian Sewell have the Russians crying with laughter, while Germany ponders the uproarious wit of Basil Brush, Serbia respects the brutal authority of glaring slaphead Ross Kemp and Israel is just plain baffled by Mark Lawrenson. Meanwhile, the French get Jeremy Paxman, and serve them right.”
Vulgar camp stereotype Norton had to beat off stiff competition from other Irish funny-men to grab the proud post, however.
“Dylan Moran was ruled out at an early stage, as his brand of nihilistic despair might lead particularly grief-stricken viewers to commit suicide,” explained the spokesman, "And while Dara O’Briain’s whimsical sarcasm might fit well, many of our older viewers tend to confuse him with Uncle Fester from the Addams Family. Conversely, thanks to his starring role in My Hero, Ardal O’Hanlon is a firm favourite with that age group - but millions of Father Ted fans would like to kill him, for the same reason. And anyway, he’s already been hired by Lithuania.”
Easily-pleased, cloth-eared Eurovision addicts are already bouncing up and down with glee in anticipation of next year’s contest, leading to record advance sales of tranquilisers in the residential care sector.
Meanwhile, Lord Wogan issued a statement calling for “a bloody good war“.
“These fakes are absolutely 100% lethal,” said a stony-faced official. “You might as well put a grenade in your child’s hands and pull out the pin. All right, so you might have saved yourself sixty nicker - but can you live with the certain knowledge that your misguided thrift will leave your precious little darlings blind and limbless for the rest of their lives? What kind of a sick Christmas present is that for a child? You callous, penny-pinching bastards. I hope you get hit by a bus.”
The police told stingy consumers not to panic if they had bought a fake Nintendo for £40, but to dial 999 immediately, remain stationary, breathe very softly and wait for the bomb squad to arrive and demolish their home.
A spokesman for Nintendo explained that the danger lay in the fake console’s external power supply being of inferior quality, leading smarter skinflints to conclude that a £6.99 adaptor from Maplin’s ought to do the trick.
Wednesday, 3 December 2008
Her Majesty had been visibly struggling to keep a straight face during the reading of the proposed ‘Get A Job - Win A House!’ Bill. Next, as she made an heroic effort to deliver the line, ‘My government's overwhelming priority is to secure the stability of the British economy', she tittered for a few seconds before bursting into a fit of uncontrolled laughter. Members of Parliament and peers of the realm shuffled about in embarrassment as the monarch slid from her golden throne to the red carpet, with tears in her eyes.
Having glowered furiously through five minutes of sobbing laughter, Prime Minister Gordon Brown strode forward, hauled the helpless Queen to her feet and frogmarched her from the chamber. Before flummoxed royal footmen could intervene, the PM threw her unceremoniously into the corridor and slammed the door.
After several minutes of guffawing heartily and gasping for breath, the still-giggling Queen was picked up off the floor by flunkies, pushed into the royal carriage and driven off to Buckingham Palace, leaving a little puddle behind on the carpet.
Meanwhile, Parliament had descended into uproar, with the cabinet and many Labour MPs demanding an apology from the palace for what they called ‘a shocking display of contempt for the authority of parliamentary authority’, while senior Tories were calling for the Prime Minister to be summarily executed for laying hands on the reigning monarch. Constitutional experts say that the only precedent for such uproar is the dissolution of Parliament, to be followed by a period of intense civil strife.
The police are reported to be uneasy, saying that some of them have not yet been issued with 10,000-volt Tasers. Meanwhile, the armed forces have yet to declare for the monarch or parliament - although many of the troops in Afghanistan and Iraq were said to be looking forward to coming back to Britain early, and drawing lots to see who could have the honour of tying the Prime Minister to a post and shooting him with a chain gun.
The crucial test was conducted on the ground at Edwards Air Force Base, with the multi-megawatt Chemical Oxygen Iodine Laser beam travelling the length of the aircraft at 670,000,000mph before emerging from the nose-mounted turret and striking a diagnostic array, which lit up and flashed ‘TILT’.
“Gott in himmel!” exclaimed project leader Dr Strangelove. “This is a glorious day for the fatherland. This system will soon be able to shoot down Soviet - I mean enemy - missiles in the early stages of their flight trajectory, by superheating their fuel and causing the missile to explode.”
Twelve years into the project, one problem the team have yet to overcome - or indeed recognise - is the practical difficulty of getting a lumbering, subsonic airliner close enough to the missile within the first few seconds of its launch. Dr Strangelove was, however, undaunted by doubting voices.
“At the moment, ja, we are only capable of shooting down parked vehicles and nearby buildings,” he shouted, “But this revolutionary system has many other uses. For example, my evil brainchild could be used to devastating effect against particularly unmanoueuvrable enemy aircraft. It would also shoot down any UFO foolish enough to loiter in its immediate vicinity, as long as the alien invader remains in the forward arc of the 747 and doesn‘t move around much."
“Finally,” he screamed, “This scheme will also create jobs in a time of recession - which ought to be enough in itself to justify any defence project, no matter how outlandish. Already I envisage the setting up of a matter-teleportation division within the nation’s motor industry, securing employment for up to ten thousand car workers whose jobs are at risk, albeit mostly in Mexico. Heil Dubya!”
Tuesday, 2 December 2008
“I have heard with great sympathy the moving testimonies submitted by my very good friends, the police,” said the former high court judge, “But I have to say that I am extremely disappointed by the contemptuous disregard shown for this hearing by Mr de Menezes, who has not bothered to turn up once, let alone give his version of events. We have all squirmed uncomfortably in our seats at the sight of his poor mother, sitting here every day under her sombrero, cruelly abandoned by her uncaring and unspeakably foreign pot-head of a son and reduced to uttering piteous cries of ‘Ay! Caramba!’ at intervals.”
“As the only evidence, plausible or otherwise, has come from our dedicated upholders of the law,” he continued, “I must direct the jury to cast from their minds any emotionally-clouded thoughts of the credit crunch, Baby P and the disgraceful pronouncements of Mr Barroso regarding the pound and the euro; these matters are beyond the scope of this inquest. I am, therefore, instructed by the Home Secretary to rule out any possibility of accepting a verdict of Unlawful Killing. In its deliberations, the jury must restrict itself to the pertinent facts in the case, which are these: Mr de Menezes is either sitting comfortably at home in Brazil with his feet up, laughing at the colossal waste of time and effort he has caused by dragging Britain’s glorious forces of law and order through a degrading farce of accountability - or he is lying low somewhere, probably as part of some nefarious plot to defraud his insurance company. I therefore direct the jury to deliver one of two possible verdicts: Alive or Missing. Then we can all go home and let the police get on with their public duty of hunting down those desperate criminals and enemies of the state, the Conservative Party.”
The coroner also lambasted the Crown Prosecution Service for not issuing an arrest warrant for Mr de Menezes over the theft of seven bullets from the Metropolitan Police.
Spokesman Kathryn Crawford said the results suggested that “most mums put the radio on when at home with the baby and the banal, tedious lyrics make it impossible to sing anything else at bedtime.”
She also stressed that the results were limited to those mothers who had enough basic intelligence to browse the internet. “Christ knows what some of the fuckwits out there are singing to their unwanted brats,” she added. “Perhaps they’re delivering some twisted rap about offing cops, dealing drugs and beating up hoes. God help us all.”
A senior paediaphile said that babies needed rhythmic, ambient sounds that reminded them of being in the womb, and recommended Simian Mobile Disco’s ‘Sleep Deprivation’. “Not only will its repetitive analogue bleeps and squeals calm the baby to sleep, but the fact that it is entirely instrumental means that no child need be disturbed by its tone-deaf mother’s tortuous caterwauling.”
“Rammstein are good, too,” he added. “German is such a soothing language. Try ‘Herzeleid’ on your child tonight.”
“Until recently, Mac owners could laugh at the plight of lowly, common Windows users and their constant battle against cyber-criminals,” said an Apple spokesman. “However, it seems that the world has finally had all it can take of Mac users’ insufferable smugness. Even previously law-abiding net users are feverishly writing viruses that will wrest control of a Mac and write “Wanker” all over the screen.”
Apple are recommending McAfee VirusScan and Norton Anti-Virus to their army of self-satisfied customers.
“These security programs cost way over the odds, just like your Macbook did - so don’t worry, you can still sneer at your scummy, proletarian PC-owning friends who are so unspeakably poor that they have to rely on charity handouts of free anti-virus software like AVG,” said the spokesman. “We would also like to reassure our discerning, creative users that we are working day and night on launching a dinky little lapbook Mac, because we realise how galling it must be for you to have some chavvy underling banging on about how their stylish little ultra-portable that runs on Windows or even - ugh - Linux makes your treasured MacBook Air look like a ruddy great, overpriced brick.”
Monday, 1 December 2008
Sunday, 30 November 2008
“Our top anti-terrorism officers are giving the local police the benefit of our accumulated knowledge and experience,” said Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair. “We have already told them to look out for any Brazilians with multimeters, and recommended that future attacks can best be prevented by arming all their officers with Taser grenade launchers.”
“Meanwhile, back in Britain we have discovered disturbing links between the gunmen and the Conservative Party,” he added.
“No-one can foretell how short or long, how painful or painless, the recession is going to be,” he explained. “On the one hand Woolies has gone tits up - never set foot in one myself of course, but very popular, very popular with the little people, I’m told; and yet on the other some mad doctor cheerfully blows a quarter of a million on a very nice kennel for her dogs, would you believe? All quite, quite contradictory; markets very edgy; businesses looking for guarantees, looking to government for leadership.”
Rather than consulting the Treasury or the Department for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform, Lord Mandelson is understood to have taken the unusual step of asking the Labour Party’s treasurer, Jack Dromey, for a list of corporate donors and sponsors.
“Lots of work to do; very busy, very busy identifying key players,” said Lord Mandelson. “Early days yet, of course; but I think it’s safe to say that Sainsbury’s and Tesco will turn out to be pretty recession-proof, along with British Aerospace, Shell, Nestlé, Patrick Stewart and Banksy’s art dealer. And if Eddie Izzard should happen to find his credit lines a bit over-extended in these trying times - not saying that he is, of course; very astute chap, Eddie, very ethical; a bit too much make-up for my tastes, but each to his own - well, it’s only right that the taxpayer should support this world leader in the cross-dressing comedy export industry.”
“I crawl up, switch on the engine and stay there for four hours until the petrol runs out,” he said. “The van bounces back up so we can all get out, but then the gold goes over. Strangely, it wouldn’t occur to me that, if I should somehow manage to crawl to the front of the coach, the others could follow and we could all jump out safely and recover the gold later,” he went on. “And, now I come to think of it, the Italian police would probably have caught up with us long before I burned off all the fuel, wouldn‘t they?”
“Sorry,” he concluded. “I‘m a complete tit. Not a lot of people know that.”
Thursday, 27 November 2008
With urban streetscenes all over the country transformed into deserted war-zones, the latest outrage saw over 100 innocent tat-shops twitching in their death-throes after the latest outbreak of senseless market blood-letting. Numbed citizens walked around in a daze, asking themselves how a loving God could allow such awful carnage to happen.
“I can‘t believe this could happen here,” said one white-faced bystander. “One minute I was cheerfully wandering around, looking for a cheap Britney Spears calendar, then suddenly prices were dropping all around me. I hid in the bargain basement until it was all over. When I came out, Woolies was just a bloody mess.”
Crap chipboard-wardrobe emporium MFI was named as another victim of the market attack. The DIY store tried in vain to make it out of town, but was ruthlessly cut down nonetheless.
The gruesome images of high-street destruction flashed across the world, bringing messages of support from as far away as India.
“What kind of shadowy, irresponsible organisation could be behind such a tragedy?” asked one Mumbai hotelier, his mundane routine of scrubbing blood from his bullet-riddled lobby momentarily forgotten as the ghastly images of much-loved stores slumped lifeless in the street seared themselves forever into his paralysed mind.