Friday, 3 April 2009

Politicians Agree To Act On Soaring G-Inflation

The G20 summit has been hailed as a huge success, after the world's richest nations agreed on measures to prevent rampant G-inflation from spiralling out of control.

"We began to notice G-inflation back in 1975, when the G6 appeared out of nowhere," said Gordon Brown. "Back then only Britain, West Germany, France, Italy, Japan and the United States were affected, and it was believed that we could keep it in check. Only a year later, however, the figure leapt to G7 when Canada became involved. Then we caught the French hiding a G8 which included the former Soviet Union."

"By 2009, things were in danger of getting completely out of hand," US President Obama. "It now transpires that we failed to notice a G10 that's been knocking around since 1962, the Christians have their own G12 and there's even talk of a G33 lurking somewhere in the southern hemisphere. It doesn't take a genius to work out that, at some point, the world's supply of countries will simply dry up. It may not happen in our lifetimes - but we have to act now, or future generations will never forgive us."

Initial discussions centred on Mr Brown's plan to create more countries through devolution and regional independence, which would have seen Britain split into England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland, Cornwall and the revival of the Socialist Republic of South Yorkshire, and the break-up of the United States into 50 separate nations. However, talks stalled when it was pointed out that this would only postpone the day when everyone on Earth had a country all of their own.

Instead, a simpler, more elegant solution was agreed which involves starting a new round of meetings beginning with the letter H. The first item on the agenda of the forthcoming H1 summit will be what to do when Z is reached.

The world's leaders then ate a panda and posed for photographs with the Queen, who told President Obama's wife Michelle that she was one's best mate in the whole world before being formally groped by Silvio Berluscruki.

NATO Celebrates Birthday With Oddly-Shaped Cake

With Western leaders meeting in Strasbourg to celebrate the 60th anniversary of the North Atlantic Treaty Organisation, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir the Putin sent the organisation a birthday card featuring his best wishes and a map of the world with a big arrow pointing to the Atlantic Ocean.

President Obama - dressed up like Ozymandias from the Watchmen movie - delighted partygoers by cutting slices out of a big cake shaped like Europe would be if it were attached to North America rather than the eastern half of the Eurasian landmass.

Leaders of the other NATO countries were also in fancy dress for the occasion. Germany's Angela Merkel created a stir as Silk Spectre II, while a bright blue Silvio Berluscruki stunned everyone into silence by arriving at the party naked and waving his genitals.

New boy Nicolas Sarkozy - who, cruelly, had not been told to come in costume - sat alone in the corner crying because none of the other children wanted to talk to him, until his wife arrived to take him home to his stamp collection.

After blancmange and jelly had been served, Gordon Brown - dressed as the boring middle-aged nerd who doesn't really achieve anything - suggested that everyone should tell scary stories, but wet his pants when President Obama mischievously told him that a big bad bogey-man who lives in a dark cave in Afghanistan was coming to eat him all up.

Electricity-Generating Virus Unlikely To Wreck Our Wedding Nights, Boast Hubristic Scientists

Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Frankenstein Technology have developed a battery powered by a bacteriophage virus, which they promise will enable billions of car owners to continue driving round the corner for a pint of milk without the risk of experiencing a vague feeling of remorse that they have just wasted another drop of the world's dwindling fossil fuel reserves.

Instead, muttered the wild-eyed scientists, the motorists of the future will only have to ignore a remorseless, gnawing fear in the back of their minds that, in the event of a front-end shunt, they may inadvertently release a horribly-mutated virus cloud that will devour the flesh of every living creature on the planet, starting with them.

The prototype battery is the size of a coin, making it suitable only for a SoundBlaster remote control or a 20-year-old 8k memory card. However, the twisted minds of misguided scientists are working feverishly to find a way to grow it to the size of a large dog - possibly by bombarding it with Cherenkov radiation, or raising it to the skies at the height of a raging thunderstorm.

When asked whether dabbling with the very forces of creation might perhaps lead to unforeseen consequences, the researchers angrily ordered their assistant - a shambling amoeboid cyborg called Igor - to throw out the ignorant villagers.

"You fools!" they said later, in a press release. "You cannot hope to understand! We are on the brink of realising mankind's greatest goal throughout the centuries - nothing less than power over 1.5V itself!"

A fearful peasant mob of environmentalists which had gathered at the village inn was thwarted when somebody pointed out a fatal flaw in their hastily-devised plan to release the virus from captivity, namely that they stood little chance of burning MIT to its foundations with wind-up torches.

Thursday, 2 April 2009

All Smiles At Downing Street As Obama Reprograms Brown For Summit

It was all smiles yesterday in Downing Street, as President Barack Obama arrived for a pre-G20 briefing with Gordon Brown, carrying a large manila folder marked 'Script', a car battery and a set of electrodes.

Scots-tinged, expletive-laden screams were heard coming from Number Ten throughout the course of the meeting, which were later reported by a sweating spin doctor to be yelps of unbounded delight as the Prime Minister found ever more examples of how closely he and President Obama saw absolutely eye-to-eye on all policy issues - especially the ones Mr Brown had previously thought of as possible bones of contention, such as whose fault everything was.

"Mr Brown is glad to find he agrees that the United States is the sole injured party in the current global economic meltdown," spluttered Spin Dr Rhythm to the world's reporters. "And he is very pleased to learn that he was responsible for the crisis in the first place. He looks forward to a summit where Britain and the United States share a common interest in ensuring a successful outcome for the USA."

He added that, to mark Britain's special relationship with America, the two world statesmen had cordially exchanged gifts of friendship. Mr Obama gave the prime minister a series of powerful electric shocks, and Mr Brown generously handed his testicles to the president in a presentation vice, with matching mallet.

President Obama and his wife then travelled to Buckingham Palace, where they were given a viewing catalogue by the Queen and told that if they saw anything they particularly fancied, they should be sure to put in an advance bid.

New Axis of Evil Threatens To Irritate Unaccountable Capitalists Slightly

As the much-anticipated G20 summit gets under way this morning, France and Germany have threatened to sabotage the make-or-break discussions by recklessly demanding some kind of outcome from the proceedings.

"Everybody knows that the main purpose of international beanos beginning with a G is for the democratically-elected leaders who like to think they run things to wring their hands on the news and pretend they give a flying fuck about something or other to do with poor people and penguins and all that crap," said one veteran aide. "Now the slimy French have turned up on their rusty bicycles - reeking of onions and with their goose-stepping partner-in-crime, the Hun, in tow as usual."

"This is not a good time for Monsieur Sarkozy to start waving his arms about as if he's trying to wave Concorde in to land on a helicopter carrier, and shouting some irresponsible bollocks about telling the money men what they can and can't do with the planet they've bought," said Gordon Brown. "Poorly-informed people might be led to construe that as some kind of oblique criticism of the Financial Services Authority, which I had the vision to set up some years ago when I was Chancellor of the Exchequer, or of the tax havens which are run with such commendable diligence by the Foreign Office from right here in London."

World War Three Declared Open In Moving Street Ceremony

London was being dismantled brick-by-brick by tens of millions of baying neo-Stalinist anarchobourgeois extremopacifist Islamochristoid cryptovegans yesterday, who used big magnets to drag helpless police officers away from their allotted tasks of patting small children on the head and rescuing fluffy kittens from trees, sucking them into their seething ranks and viciously headbutting their batons.

"Look at this uniform," sobbed PC Civilised of the Legitimate Squad. "Some screaming enviromentalist thug showered me with blood and teeth. I'll never get these stains out, unless I use a fast-acting non-bio made from pandas."

The war is expected to escalate today, with the police bringing up tanks, assault helicopters and tactical nuclear delivery systems and the protesters expected to unleash bigger placards.

Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Replacement of Small Flag by Another Small Flag Signals Exciting New Dawn For Basra

The grateful residents of Basra lined the streets today, giving a rousing three cheers to the British Army for all it has done over the last six years to turn their home town into a veritable paradise on Earth.

The phased replacement of UK forces by their American counterparts - which actually began last December and will continue until the end of May - was today marked by a small flag ceremony signifying the handover of local command from Britain to the United States.

"For those who are old enough to realise, and compare it with the past gloom of Saddam's era, they look back to 30 years ago and say, 'We're seeing stability that we haven't had before; we're seeing levels of freedom that we haven't had before'," said outgoing Modern Major-General Andy Tuna. "Admittedly that was when Saddam was our best mate in the Middle East, and perhaps we ought to have said something at the time - but hey, it's no use crying over spilt milk."

"We are all so grateful to Britain for making Basra an international byword for peace and tranquility," agreed mayor Mohammed Masbah al-Waili, nervously scanning the streets. "When the insane dictator Saddam Hussein was in charge, we were all dragged from our homes and shot every morning."

"Now our British friends bring us breakfast in bed and fresh flowers every day," he added. "They have done a sterling job of half-training our new police force to take over from the one they disbanded, teaching them to say, 'Evenin' all, what's all this about then?' in Farsi and tell us the time. Now the nice Americans will complete their training by teaching them the correct way to grip a .40-calibre Smith & Wesson with both hands and shout 'Down on the ground and put your goddamn hands where I can see them, asshole!' Happy days."

British soldiers at Basra Airport wept openly as they packed their bags to leave.

"I'll miss the warmth of the Iraqi people," said Corporal Jones. "I remember once when this bloke ran towards me with arms outstretched, like he wanted to give me a great big hug."

"And he probably would have, too," he chuckled, "If I hadn't emptied a clip into him thinking he was a suicide bomber. I felt like a right charlie afterwards!"

"I'll always treasure the memory of that friendly, harmless Iraqi," he added touchingly. "Especially at three in the morning when I wake up screaming."

Madonna's Adopted Child Developing Suitable Disdain For Lowly Father

Madonna took a day out from buying a new Malawian child for her growing collection yesterday, arranging a heartrending meeting between her previous purchase and his natural father.

Yohane Magwitch needed an interpreter to speak to his son David, who has completely forgotten his native language. In impeccable English tones reminiscent of Sir Alec Guinness, young David asked his father, "Who are you?" and "Why are you poor?"

"I would like to thank Miss Madonna for removing my son from his natural home, allowing him to play in her cobweb-strewn mansion and working so hard to turn him into a horribly spoilt brat," a red-eyed Mr Magwitch told reporters afterwards. "And I wish her every success in buying as many of our children as it takes to show the world what a sincere, caring person she is."

Not to be outdone at saving the world one child at a time, Angelina Jolie announced today that she is shopping around in India for another cute ethnic kid to add to her multi-racial petting zoo, which already includes well cared-for specimens from Cambodia, Vietnam and Ethiopia.

BBC May Tone Down TV Licence Extortion Demands

The BBC Trust has admitted that the first letters sent out to people without a television may be seen by some as "too harsh", following complaints from MPs and a public consultation.

"TV Licensing should do more to target the hardcore of evaders to make sure that everyone who shouldn't pay, does pay," said chairman Mad Sir Michael Lyons.

"For reasons known only to themselves, certain members of the public who don't own a telly appear to take great exception to being threatened with a baseball bat, kneecapping and the kidnapping and phased dismemberment of their children if they do not immediately hand us £142.50 to pay for broadcasts they don't receive," he explained. "So maybe in the first instance we'll just send the boys round in a detector van to explain that making Dr Who ain't cheap, and politely ask them for a generous contribution to our expenses."

"However, if they don't cough up there and then, I reckon we're perfectly within our rights to beef up subsequent demands for payment," continued Mad Sir Michael. "I'm in favour of cutting the brakes on their motor, though other board members have suggested scarring them with a Stanley, or simply cutting our losses and putting a bullet in their head as a warning to others."

Monday, 30 March 2009

'Wankergate' Brings Down Government

In a dramatic resignation speech on behalf of the entire government, Prime Minister Gordon Brown has conceded that the Labour Party is finished as a political force, as a result of the Home Secretary's scandalous misuse of £10 of taxpayers' money to subsidise husband - and parliamentary aide - Richard Timney's keen interest in pornography.

The last 24 hours have seen ugly scenes in cities, towns and villages all over the country, as the British public finally rose up in popular revolt against what is widely seen as the worst excess in decades of ministerial sleaze.

"Time and again, the people of Britain have shown that they don't really give a stuff about ministers claiming tens of thousands in expenses for notional second homes, fictitious jobs for their relatives and misappropriating parliamentary funds for constituency business," said a contrite, sackcloth-draped prime minister, before setting off to Buckingham Palace on his hands and knees to inform the Queen of the immediate resignation of the entire government. "But Jacqui Smith has caused irreparable damage to the reputation of the Parliamentary Labour Party by demanding a fiver from the public purse every time her husband tugs his willy."

Mr Brown stressed that the Home Secretary was not at home when Mr Timney was polluting himself shamelessly.

"I must caution the public not to soil their minds by imagining the Home Secretary brazenly cavorting in a porn-crazed orgy of unspeakable perversions," he warned with a shudder. "That way lies madness."

Plymouth: National Capital of Crap Terrorist Activity

Plymouth - a small island off the coast of Devon - has once again struck fear into the heart of the nation, with the news that Devon and Cornwall Police have fearlessly thwarted another crap terrorist.

Details are yet to emerge, but Assistant Chief Constable for Bad News Paul Netherton said that a 25-year-old man had been caught spraying graffiti on a wall with a potentially-explosive can of paint. When his home was dismantled by specially-trained anti-terrorist PCSOs, they discovered a plastic toy rifle, a spud gun capable of inflicting horrific suffering on the potato-allergic, a deadly packet of sparklers and extremist literature of a politically-sensitive nature, possibly written by the notorious George Orwell. As a precaution, they have arrested everyone else in the house on suspicion of belonging to a terrorist group hell-bent on turning forthcoming G20 protests in London into a corpse-strewn charnel-house resembling the Battle of the Somme.

"We are not saying that these people are Islamic fundamentalists. Nor are we saying that they are in any way connected to Plymouth's notorious failed suicide bomber Blimey O'Reilly," said Mr Netherton. "There is no evidence, in fact, to suggest that they pose any kind of risk at all to anybody. So please forget that I made any mention of Islamic fundamentalist terrorism. These people are not Islamic. They are not fundamentalists. They are not terrorists. Islamic? Fundamentalists? Terrorists? No. But God forbid, don't let me prejudice you in any way. I don't want to frighten anybody."

Mr Netherton also told the Nev Filter that the Westcountry's finest were still working round-the-clock to track down the suspected ringleader of Plymouth's underground anarcho-warrior cult, a shadowy radical figure on the fringes of society notorious for obsessively blogging a steady stream of vile, politically-inspired diatribes to his brainwashed army of crazed followers.

Sunday, 29 March 2009

Cameron Promises To Tackle Turds Blocking 'Welfare Drain'

David Cameron has promised that the Conservatives will roll up their sleeves and flush out what he called the country's "welfare drain".

"For decades, Britain has suffered from a severe case of welfare diarrhoea," he told Welsh Conservatives. "We entered this recession with almost five million turds on out-of-work benefit, and it's only going to get worse."

"A Conservative government, once elected, would act imodiately to stop the national arse from squelching out any more scrounging doley shits," he warned. "We will lift up the welfare drain cover, roll up our sleeves and put appropriate pressure on this mass of unemployed excrement. The stinking, rotten turds will be forced down the pipe to treatment workfare schemes, where they will be left to rot - well away of the view of any decent people who might be offended by the disgusting stench of dumping the blame for the recession on the heads of its victims."

South America Teaches Brown About Running A Balanced Economy

Gordon Brown has had financial prudence explained to him by Chilean president Michelle Bachelet, as he continues to jet around the world trying to persuade world leaders not to blame him personally at the imminent G20 summit for completely fucking up the world's economy.

"I held up a 50-peso note and explained to Señor Brown that this was money, and if you get your hands on any then it's worth holding onto for a rainy day," said Ms Bachelet afterwards. "I also told him that if, like him, you recklessly give it all away to your greedy friends, then perhaps it's a little foolish to expect them to reciprocate when you open the biscuit tin to pay the bills, only to find it's all gone."

"He seemed to be struggling a bit with that," she went on, "So I made it easier for him. I gave him ten beans. Then I put on an expensive new suit and said that I wouldn't mind buying his shoes for a bean, if he would just give me two beans to cover my costs. He agreed, and I took his shoes and a bean. He said he didn't quite grasp the idea, so I ran it by him again - only this time I asked for his tie. After half an hour Señor Brown had no beans and no clothes - and when I turned down his request to borrow some beans so he might buy back his underpants, I think the peso finally dropped."

"I look forward to seeing Señor Brown again at the summit," she added. "But I don't think the rest of the G20 leaders will be greatly impressed by his appearance."

MPs Asked: 'What Could Possibly Be More Important Than Alleviating Poverty?'

The long-awaited Fuel Poverty Bill has been blocked by MPs, after so many of them failed to turn up that a vote could not be taken.

With only 10% of Tories and 7% of Labour politicians bothering to put in an appearance, the quorum of one hundred MPs was missed by eleven - stalling the progress of Lib Dem MP David Heath's bill, which aims to bring homes up to current energy-efficiency standards, introduce social tariffs for vulnerable households and reinforce the government's legal duty to end fuel poverty.

The Federation of Private Residents Association called the MPs' mass absence "a crying shame", and asked why so few had turned out to support to support the important bill.

MPs coughed and went red in the face when it turned out that they had been preoccupied with examining the details of their expenses claims, in case they included any educational films that they and their partners may have been scrutinising at home, with commendable diligence, in order to gain a deeper understanding of what might be causing Britain's soaring teenage pregnancies.