Saturday, 14 May 2011

Tonight’s Eurovision Contestants In Full

 JULIET BRAVO (real name: Axel Griis)
Blib Blib Blob


DINO MARTIN (deceased)
We Still Use Cassettes

Please Give Us 12 Points

C’est Ma Vie (©1984 Parle Parle)


It’s All About Me




Union Street

Never Mind The Song, Watch My Dance

Smell You

Signu Sognu

Madness Of Loving An Underage Prostitute

In Charts For A While (1 week - Switzerland only)

Can We Win It? No We Can’t

No Lucky

99 Luftballons

Change To Long Wave For More Cricket

The Secret Is [REDACTED]

AZERBAIJAN (property of Aliyev family)
Running Scared Of Going Home Unless We Win

No Points

Coming Home Empty-Handed

Que Me Quiten Lo Pis (They Can Take The Piss Out Of Me)

 Charlie’s Angel

99 Luftballons (You’ve done this one already - Ed.)

You Could Be The One More Day

Friday, 13 May 2011

Potters Bar Rail Crash Was Taxpayers’ Fault

You irresponsible bastards, look what you did
British taxpayers have been ordered to cough up £3m in compensation, in recognition of the reckless part they played in the Potters Bar derailment in 2002 which killed seven people.

Although the crash was a direct result of the wanton negligence of Railtrack - a private company, which was in administration at the time of the crash after paying bigger bonuses to its directors than it could cover from the savings it had made by slashing maintenance – Judge Andrew Dim decided at the end of the hearing that, since Railtrack was effectively renationalised into Network Rail after the crash, justice would best be served by giving incompetent rail managers with blood on their hands a pat on the back and imposing a hefty fine of about 12p each on the taxpayers who bought the company whether they wanted to or not.

The public admitted that they had completely failed in their statutory, but impossible, duty to prioritise their own safety over somebody else’s sheer, naked greed in the aftermath of the Hatfield crash in 2000.

“I’d like to assure my fellow passengers that lessons will be learned by the management of private companies which are nothing to do with me,” promised a shame-faced taxpayer on the 17:45 Paddington-to-Bristol service. “In particular, the lesson that managers can carry on killing their customers and getting away with it.”

Nick Clegg, meanwhile, has announced that he has grave misgivings.

Metropolitan Police Respond To Call For Review From Maddy's Mother

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Internet Says ‘Put Your Hands On Your Head’

This is the internet, and that's you
Reports are coming in that an estimated 20% of the world’s population are sitting in front of a computer right now with their hands on their heads, patiently awaiting further instructions.

The news comes hard on the heels of this morning’s mass evacuation of Rome, following the internet’s straight-faced announcement that it had suddenly remembered that a little-known seismologist who died 30 years ago confounded all known geoscience by working out that a devastating earthquake would topple the Italian capital to dust today “per deffo”.

“Up to now I’ve limited myself to teasing conspiracy theorists, it’s so easy and they never cotton on,” laughed the internet later. “But I’m beginning to realise just how much fun I can have if I really pull out all the stops. OK, the Italians are natural suckers – let’s face it, most of them take it as read that an old Nazi has God’s private phone number and Silvio Berlusconi is a statesman – but I reckon the rest of the world might just be as gullible. For instance, everybody on Facebook seems to think that clicking a few petitions will really put the world to rights. Ha! And I didn’t even start that one.”

The internet apparently convinced people to put their hands on their heads by various means, telling some it would empower manky slappers in some unspecified manner, while others were encouraged to think they were sending some sort of gay solidarity message to the Ugandan government.

“I’m not going to rush things,” said the internet with a smile. “I think something really embarrassing involving webcams might be the way to go. Until then, let’s see how long it takes your arms to go numb, shall we?”

Nick Clegg, meanwhile, has announced that he has grave misgivings.

Number Ten Admits To Making Up Deputy Prime Minister

The cat seems real enough
Staff at 10 Downing Street have admitted that they routinely use false names on official communications, after veteran Labour MP Gerald Kaufman said he had received a reply signed by a “Mr N.Clegg” whom nobody could trace.

“I needed further clarification on a point of order, so I rang Number Ten and asked to speak to this Clegg fellow,” stormed Mr Kaufman. “At first I was fobbed off with some high-handed excuse that Mr Clegg does not speak on the telephone. When I asked if the cat had got his tongue I was put through to the cat, which was no help at all. When I rang back to complain about the cat, somebody finally admitted that Mr Clegg doesn’t actually exist at all. Apparently he was invented for the sole purpose of protecting the prime minister.”

“Real names have not been used on correspondence since 2005 for security reasons,” sniffed a Downing Street spokesman, who gave his name as Ziggy Stardust. “Until a year ago, our made-up fall guy was called ‘Gordon Brown’, and he was outstandingly successful at drawing off attacks which could otherwise have been done an awful lot of damage to Tony Blair.”

Nick Clegg, meanwhile, has announced that he has grave misgivings.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Cameron Admits Clegg Is Hard Work

Christ, imagine this every bloody morning
Prime minister David Cameron has told reporters that coalition partner Nick Clegg is “hard work”, as the Tories and Liberal Democrats mark the first anniversary of their unholy alliance.

“You have no idea how vexing it is to go into my office to confront the soppy sight of Nick Clegg huddled in a corner every single morning, hugging the waste paper basket and sobbing like a child,” admitted Mr Cameron. “Some days, I tell you, my hand is red raw from slapping his puffy, tear-streaked cheeks and telling him to man up, for god's sake, before somebody points a camera at him.”

“Eventually, of course, I hand him a tissue and he’s so pathetically grateful he’ll spend the rest of the day nodding ridiculously at every word I say,” added the PM. “But it gets to you, it really does. Still, I take comfort from the knowledge that Churchill had five long years of it with Clement Attlee.”

Nick Clegg, meanwhile, has announced that he has grave misgivings.

Universities Promise Hooray Henries A Ready Pool Of Servants

Britain’s snobbier universities - including Oxford and Cambridge, obviously – assured well-heeled parents that their establishments were already overflowing with cash-strapped scions of the shopkeeping class, guaranteeing that there would be no servant problem greeting their guffawing heirs when they are ushered out of the Rolls brandishing their Coutts cheque books.

“For many gifted state-school oiks, being a gentleman’s gentleman for three years is the only job they will ever get a crack at,” smiled universities minister David Willetts. “And if your agreeable trust fund is happy to pay them £9,000 a year, you can enjoy watching them fight tooth and nail as they queue up to be interviewed.”

Burn the ironic t-shirt, slap on the Brylcreem and they scrub up OK
Gonville Bromhead, a spokesman for the Russell Group of universities, which are better because they got their charter from a medieval inbred, added: “£9,000 is more than they’re worth, naturally, but it does rather ensure that one’s man will have been brought up to speak the Queen’s English, what? A lot of them are jolly brainy, too, and will gladly sit one’s bothersome exams if threatened with a damned good hiding.”

“Less than £9,000, though, and one runs the risk of getting some ghastly northern bursary claimant who grunts like one’s head gardener,” he warned, “And that would be quite, quite beyond the pale, old boy. Goes without saying.”

In the modern world of academe, of course, female domestic staff are also widely available for hire at Britain’s top educational establishments.

“Not only can your horse-faced daughter have the lady-in-waiting she’s always longed for,” beamed Mr Willetts over a Pimms, “But your lusty heir can sow his wild oats with the servants to his heart’s content, then simply pay to have his scullery-maids’ unborn bastards dealt with in the time-honoured fashion – namely, by paying one of the world’s top medical researchers to warm up the old coat-hangar.”

Later, prime minister David Cameron moved swiftly to fend off criticism that any chancer with a bulging wallet could exploit the two-tier system he was creating.

“My goodness, no. This scheme isn’t for the oafish sons and daughters of money-grubbing tradespeople from the provinces being able to buy their way into university,” he laughed. “They can carry on going to Exeter. Students on these extra places will not be funded by wealthy individuals. No, their funding will come either from businesses, such as the banks of which their daddies are directors, or from charitable foundations, i.e. their trust funds.”

Nick Clegg, meanwhile, has announced that he has grave misgivings.

Art Can Give Same Pleasure As Love, Says Neuroscientist Balls-Deep In A Henry Moore

It crossed your mind, didn't it
Viewing art triggers the same responses in the brain as love and desire, according to a leading neurobiologist, Professor Sexi Semi of University College London, who gasped out his claim as he energetically thrust his organ rhythmically in and out of the sensual hole in one of Henry Moore’s abstract sculptures.

“It appears that when viewing da Vinci’s seminal Mona Lisa, for example, the aesthete’s brain is triggered into sending an autonomic signal to the gonads, which respond by releasing large quantities of the neurotransmitter which we scientists call Idegiver-1,” sighed the professor later over a cigarette. “Sorry, is that Tracey Emin’s spunky bed over there? Ooh… ahhh.”

Nick Clegg, meanwhile, has announced that he has grave misgivings.

Monday, 9 May 2011

No Truth In Internet Revelations, Insists Jeremy Clarkson Whilst Pleasuring A Giraffe

Oh dear. How sad. Never mind
A Twitter microblog which claims to ‘out’ several celebrities who have taken out superinjunctions is “complete and utter nonsense”, choked a purple-faced Jeremy Clarkson with a giraffe’s John Thomas in his mouth today.

David Threlfall took time out from carving a swastika into the forehead of an unconscious rabbi to agree with the scornful Top Gear presenter, saying: “I bet some filthy Paki’s behind it. This surely proves that it’s time to end the failed multicultural experiment and eradicate the non-Aryan taint from our pure English bloodline. Heil Hitler.”

An angry Jemima Khan also took to Twitter to deny the anonymous poster’s claim that she had taken out an injunction to prevent anyone from knowing about the degenerative syphilis she knowingly spread throughout the upper echelons of society as a high-class call girl in the pay of al-Qaeda, while Dr Who assistant Karen Gillan has threatened to “come round and kick the living crap out of” anyone who even suggests they have seen the footage of her impaled on a Dalek and loving it. Meanwhile, Buckingham Palace has refused to comment on alleged photos of Prince William laughing insanely as he pisses out of his helicopter onto stranded mountain-climbers.

“This laughable tweet just proves that not everything you read on the internet is true,” commented web veteran Josh Geake, thirty seconds before his server melted under the strain of incoming retorts from people who beg to differ. “Perhaps it’s time that the courts were given the authority to ban blatant internet hoaxes, which would free up quite a lot of bandwidth if nothing else.”

Nick Clegg, meanwhile, has announced that he has grave misgivings about the scheme.

Police To Respond To Future 999 Calls By Post

Postal workers aren't looking forward to emptying his sack
Home secretary Theresa May has unveiled a radical shake-up of policing, which will see costs slashed by replacing 99% of police duties with a sternly-worded letter.

“We can save 2½ million police hours with automatically-generated letters,” she announced, “Which will incidentally bump up Royal Mail’s turnover nicely, while we try to find some mug to take it off our hands.”

Under the plans, bailed suspects will be notified of the charges brought against them by post, emergency callers will receive a pro-forma asking them to fill in the details within five working days, and fugitives from justice will be targeted by a mass mailout of gilt-edged invitations to a party at their nearest court.

Protest marches will in future be surrounded by couriers, said Mrs May, delivering to participants a list of suggested injuries they should consider inflicting upon themselves before posting footage of themselves on YouTube, while a random member of the public will be picked every week to receive an exploding parcel so that the inquiry industry can stay in business.

Nick Clegg, meanwhile, has announced that he has grave misgivings about the scheme.