Best Equipment In The World Ordered For British Troops

Every British soldier serving in Afghanistan will shortly be issued with their own Hallibritish Aerocockheed FU-9, the most advanced raghead-shafting machine ever built, said a spokesman for the Ministry of Defence this evening.

"Happy now?" he demanded.

Insurers Penalise Depressed Woman For Not Topping Herself

A clinically-depressed worker in Canada has had her sickness benefits cut by her insurers, after they accessed her Facebook page and found a photograph in which she was neither hanging by the neck from a length of electrical flex nor lying in a blood-soaked bath with her wrists slit.

"My doctor told me that the best way to deal with depression was to try to cheer myself up and think happy thoughts," protested a distraught Nathalie Blanchard, who has been on sick leave from employers IBM for a year.

"Balls," said a spokesman for insurers Manudeath. "The best way to deal with depression is to terminate your shitty life, preferably the day you receive your diagnosis. That would save us an awful lot of cash."

"We would urge any depressed policyholders not to fanny around with pathetic, namby-pamby cries for help," he added. "If you go to our website, you'll find all kinds of useful advice on how to ensure that your very first suicide bid will be a resounding success. When you feel like a total failure, that's an important goal - and it's one we're more than happy to expedite."

Meanwhile, a spokesman for Facebook cheerfully confirmed that the insurers had been granted permission to bypass Ms Blanchard's privacy settings.

"Our policy is to hand over everything you post to any company that asks for it, on the off-chance that it might prevent fraud or any other illegal activity," he told reporters. "That, of course, includes claiming sickness benefits to which you are legally entitled, and for which you have paid your premiums."

"After all, we faceless, impersonal corporations have to stick together," he added.

Second Natural Disaster Hits Flood-Stricken Cumbria

As if the people of Cockermouth and Workington didn't have enough misery on their plates, Gordon Brown today travelled up to the flood-hit North West to gloat over a disaster which is unusual for not being a direct consequence of his handling of the economy.

However, some experts are already saying that Mr Brown should not be regarded as entirely blameless for the present crisis.

"Sadly, this was all too predictable," said an environmentalist this afternoon. " For years now, New Labour's policies cynically allowed far too many hopes to be built on inadequate foundations. And now it's all falling apart between Gordon's ears."

As torrential rain continued to pour down on much of waterlogged Britain, worried citizens swamped the phone lines of the emergency services, demanding to know what measures they could take to prevent a catastrophic prime ministerial visit.

"I'm afraid our experience has demonstrated that there's very little you can do in such trying circumstances, apart from piling up sandbags around the perimeter of your home and being vigilant," said a spokesman for Cumbria Police. "Short of converting an upstairs bedroom into a machine gun post, members of the public are all but helpless when a seething mass of Brown slime comes hurtling down the road towards them."

Teenagers Do The Funniest Things

Accident and emergency wards all over the UK are overflowing with teenagers who are just too stupid to live, it emerged today. Haggard doctors say they are struggling to cope with the sudden influx of thrill-seekers with less instinct for self-preservation than a suicide bomber.

"See this bucket of guts waiting to be sewn back together?" said one worn-out admissions clerk. "That's some Year 9 smart-arse who saw an episode of the Bionic Woman and reckoned it would be a bit of a laugh to run through the turbine blades of a huge air-conditioning system. Wrong."

Other idiot teen stunts include:

- strapping Acme mail-order rockets to their feet and, predictably, slamming into cliffs or falling into mile-deep canyons as a result;

- jumping off a tall building, pressing a button on their watches and not transforming into a flying creature or robot;

- dressing up in brightly-coloured biking leathers, riding their mopeds into an almighty explosion and failing to leap unscathed ten metres into the air;

- taking up ballroom dancing and putting their backs out.

"It's total carnage in here," said a blood-soaked consultant. "It's all too easy to point the finger of blame at the TV companies for their cavalier irresponsibility in warning youngsters about the dangers of extreme stupidity - but when all's said and done, there's no getting away from the fact that teenagers are complete fucktards."

"Captain Scarlet is indestructible," he warned. "You are not. Remember this. Do not try to imitate him."

Teenagers all over the country are now feared to be eagerly scouring YouTube for ill-advised, Supermarionation-related suicide tactics with which to briefly displace their intense sexual frustration.

Plymouth Seizes 'Brownest City' Crown

The god-forsaken hell-hole of Plymouth is celebrating its brown credentials today, after plummeting down the rankings of Britain's 20 largest cities for sustainability.

The Devon city was rated the nation's third most sustainable last year - before Britain's only remaining Thatcherite, council leader Vivian Pengelly, had really had a chance to turn everything to shit. However, thanks to Mrs Pengelly's acclaimed stewardship, Plymouth now ranks 14th for biodiversity and climate change, 16th for green spaces and 18th for its economy.

"A year ago, Plymouth was actually top for environmental ranking," said Forum for the Future's chief executive, Peter Madden. "Now it's 14th. If I were living in Plymouth right now, I'd be throwing my essential belongings in a wheelbarrow and getting the fuck out of that toxic cesspit before nightfall."

Campaigning local newspaper the Eerole somehow failed to find space for the think-tank's ominous findings, filled as it was with a series of heart-warming stories about Plymouth's fine, upstanding citizens - including a man in court for pushing his girlfriend through a glass panel, a pensioner who has been indecently assaulting teenage girls for 40 years, another arrest linked to Plymouth's child-molesting nursery worker, and the usual daily round-up of random drunken assaults.

"Plemoff ez thurr focken bess focken setay en thur focken werowd, y'focken cont," said Cllr Pengelly in an official press release wrapped round a fresh turd, lit and pushed through the Nev Filter's letterbox. "Kmeer eff y'wanner focken myek sommen ovvet, y'focken twaah."

"Enn oy ent eevun sowed awf they focken buses yet," she added. "20th furr traanspawt, eeyer oss focken comms!"

Angry Plymoids, meanwhile, have expressed no urgent desire to read the forum's damning report, saying they would have to learn to read first and it seemed a lot of effort just to find out what "somm focken posh wanka oo wern frumm rown 'eer" had to say. They did, however, lean out of their knackered bangers to scream incoherently at strangers, which apparently constitutes the nearest thing to serious public debate in Plymouth.

'Queen's Speech' Delivered By Brown In Drag

PM Gordon Brown is on the run tonight, after the Queen was found tied and gagged in a Westminster broom cupboard shortly after the delivery of the Queen's Speech.

"I thought Her Majesty was looking even grumpier than usual," opposition leader David Cameron told Scotland Yard detectives. "That squinty eye seemed familiar, too, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it."

"At the time, it didn't strike me as particularly unusual that the prime minister didn't seem to be taking much of an interest in what was going on around him, either," he added. "It turns out that it was just a life-sized cardboard cut-out being held up by Alistair Darling and Harriet Harman."

When the gag was removed, the Queen wasted no time in revealing that Mr Brown had reacted very badly when she gave her opinion on the speech he had written for her, in which he outlined all of the fantasy laws he aims to inflict before he gets booted out by the electorate in six months' time.

"One laughed like a drain," she said. "One told him, 'Well, you petty, spiteful little man, you've excelled yourself this time, haven't you? This is nothing more than a blueprint for stitching up the Tories when they get in - particularly the bit about forcing the next government to halve the budget deficit by any means necessary - so they'll pick up all the flak, and you'll be smelling of roses in five years' time.' One told him one would read the bloody thing as per contract, but keeping a straight face was rather out of the question."

It transpires that a fuming Mr Brown then trussed the Queen up, donned her regalia and delivered the speech himself in a silly voice, telling parliament that he had "a bit of a cold".

The public are warned not to approach Mr Brown if they see him, as he is extremely desperate.

"Mr Brown is not physically dangerous," said a Scotland Yard spokesman. "But if he corners you, his psychological profile suggests that he'll drone on and on about how it's all everybody's fault but his own, until you lose the will to live and throw yourself under a passing bus."

In case Mr Brown is still wearing the Queen's clothes and looking for a place to blend in, police say they will be paying close attention to any drag queens attending tonight's West End performance of 'Priscilla, Queen of the Desert - The Musical'.

"If you were Gordon Brown, wouldn't you want to stay in disguise?" pointed out a senior detective. "After all, he's without doubt the owner of the most punchable face in Britain."

Conscience-Free Hatchet Man Selected To Ease ITV's Assisted Suicide

ITV has finally abandoned all pretence at being a TV network and appointed the godawful Archie Norman as its new - and, in all probability, final - chairman.

The former Tory party chief executive is known in business circles as a 'turnaround specialist'. Meanwhile, in the real world, he is known as 'that smug prick who comes swanning in with a big shit-eating grin, then rips the guts out of the company and legs it down the fire escape with fivers threatening to burst his trouser seams.'

Mr Norman was in charge of running down Asda before it was flogged off to Wal-Mart, and also took an axe to telecoms firm Energis before palming its bloody corpse off onto Cable and Wireless.

"It is an irresistible challenge," said the 55-year-old suit. "Most of the hard work has already been done for me with the removal of quality drama, arts programming, documentaries, children's programmes and anything else that costs more than five hundred nicker to make. All that remains for me to do is shut the few remaining regional newsrooms, then I can get on with the fun bit - namely auctioning off the primetime slots to Simon Cowell or Ant and Dec for as much lucre as I can stuff into a suitcase, before buggering off to hack some other once-great organisation to bits."

"ITV has no quality of life left," said an industry analyst. "Let's face it - ITV has had no quality at all for some time now, and a swift death would be a merciful release from suffering for all concerned. Especially the viewers."

'I Want To Be The Barking MP,' Declares BNP Leader

British Nazi Party leader Nick Angriff today announced his intention to contest the East London parliamentary constituency of Barking, hoping that a large turnout of Barking racists will make him the Barking BNP member of parliament.

"We've always had a lot of support from Barking people," said Mr Angriff, who is currently a Member of the Hated European Autocracy. "I can and will represent their views like no other politician, because I understand and share their views completely. General de Gaulle famously once said that he was France. Well, my message to the electorate is simply this: I AM BARKING."

Meanwhile, rumours that the BNP's other MEP, Andrew Brons, is seeking a home in the Shetland village of Twatt were denied by a party spokesman.

"That's typical of the blatant media distortion and lies which are carefully orchestrated to make the BNP look ridiculous and stupid," he complained. "He's going to the other one, way out in the Orkneys."

"The BNP is really only interested in representing the more extreme of the UK's Twatts," he added.

Home Office Commends ID Cards To Piss Artists

ID cards will be the best way to ensure that you get completely shit-faced, according to junior Home Office minister Meg Sillier.

Speaking ahead of a trial card launch in Manchester later this month, Ms Sillier suggested that the controversial scheme would enable piss-artists to keep successfully ordering drink after drink in a staggering pub crawl through the city's bars, nightclubs and A&E departments.

"At the moment, you have to carry your driving licence or passport with you when you go out on the piss," she pointed out. "Sure, they'll prove your age - but only the ID card has a field to display your favourite tipple, which will of course come in very handy when you reach the incoherent mumbling stage."

The Home Office pointed out that there was certainly no implied threat that, sooner or later, everybody in Britain would have to pay for an ID card and submit themselves to constant government surveillance if they wanted to purchase the smallest quantity of alcohol, or indeed anything at all.

"Whatever gives you that idea?" demanded a government newspokesman. "You clearly need re-educating about the constant state of war that this country is facing."

Brown Apologises To Australians For Founding of Australia

Gordon Brown, apparently overcome by a fit of remorse for things which were nothing to do with him, has today issued a slew of apologies to the rest of the world.

Top of the list of things the prime minister regretted was the transportation of petty criminals to the penal colony of Botany Bay, which led to the founding of Australia.

"I'm really, really sorry that the draconian laws of my predecessors indirectly condemned you to be born citizens of a sunny, progressive nation blessed with untold mineral wealth," sobbed Mr Brown, on his knees outside 10 Downing Street. "If only I could go back in time and change things, you might all be living in Britain."

Mr Brown then pulled out a crumpled list from his back pocket, rending his garments and gnashing his teeth in despair as he read out a tragic litany of cruelty for which he wasn't responsible.

"My conscience compels me to declare my sincere personal repentance for the following," wailed the PM. "The erroneous claims made concerning the flotation capability of the Titanic. The relief of Ladysmith. The 'bodyline' tactics that forever blighted the name of English cricket. The horrific burning of the Temple of Claudius at Camelodunum by the evil queen Boudicca in 60AD. The Triumph TR7. The occupation of Iceland in 1940. The extinction of the dodo. Tommy Steele. The War of Jenkins' Ear. Carry On Columbus. And many, many more."

"I will surely burn in hell for all the things I didn't have any part of," he added, as he scourged himself with a knotted whip in front of cheering crowds.

"This is all very commendable, I'm sure," said a shopper in Bermondsey this morning, on hearing the news. "But I suspect hell will freeze over before Gordon Brown apologises for something he actually did, like forcing everyone in Britain to pay for his staggeringly inept mismanagement of the economy for the rest of our lives."

FSA To Impose Playground Bullying Techniques On Greedy Bankers

The Financial Services Authority will be given sweeping new powers to peanut top bankers' ties if they persist in awarding themselves bonuses for throwing money down the toilet, promised chancellor Alistair Darling today.

"It is wrong that irresponsible financiers should pay themselves huge sums of money for the banking equivalent of opening the swear box and blowing all the cash on a three-legged horse with no rider," said Mr Darling. "It's about time the industry watchdog was finally given some teeth to discourage such cavalier actions."

Other punitive measures planned by the Treasury include scribbling all over the bankers' reports, breaking their pencils, throwing their Blackberries over the nearest wall and - in extreme cases - holding them down and writing 'twat' on their foreheads with a biro.

"Now I'm really shitting myself," smiled leading Structured Investment Vehicles gambler Rob Blind.