Saturday, 16 May 2009

Brown Suddenly Notices War in Sri Lanka Which Has Nothing To Do With MPs' Expenses

Gordon Brown has dramatically stepped in to urge both sides in the conflict in Sri Lanka to try being nice to each other before anybody gets hurt.

With the Tamil Tigers now totally surrounded and cut off from the coast by Sri Lankan government forces, Britain's humanitarian prime minister has humbly acquired the mantle of statesmanship thanks to his fearless, timely concern for the lives of tens of thousands of innocent civilians.

"I appreciate that nobody has heard of this impending conflict in a distant corner of the world," Mr Brown told the nation. "There has been nothing in the media about it, and nobody seems to care enough to make a song and dance about it. But nevertheless I feel I should draw your attention to it before it really kicks off into something nasty. And I thought it would make a pleasant change from all this tittle-tattle about MPs' expenses, which everybody must be utterly bored with by now."

"We thank Gordon Brown for bringing this matter to people's attention," replied Sri Lanka's President Mahinda Rajapaksa. "Rest assured, this little spat will be resolved in a day or two."

"The guns and aircraft the British sold us are working really well, by the way," he added. "I'd recommend them to any third-world state with a pest-control issue. And don't worry about the cost! Just say the recession has given you a bit of a temporary cashflow problem, and let the British taxpayer pick up the tab under the UK government's splendid Export Credit Guarantee Scheme."

MPs Warming to No-Confidence Motion

More and more MPs are showing an interest in a motion of no confidence, according to Westminster insiders.

"Ordinary, decent folk all over Britain are shocked and outraged by the callous, cynical greed of their elected representatives," said the MP for Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath, obscure backbencher Gordon Brown. "And the conduct of my very good friend Michael Martin, the Speaker, who bravely called in the police to track down the whistleblower instead of showing the slightest concern about this massive legal fraud, has left everyone in Britain utterly convinced that the Houses of Parliament have become nothing more than a veritable den of thieves, who consider themselves to be completely above the law."

"This is why many of us are coming round to the opinion that it is high time we moved a motion of no confidence in the electorate," he continued. "It is plain to see that parliament can no longer trust them to maintain the comfortable two-party status quo which has served us so well for so long."

Mr Brown's plan has received cross-party support, with the rarely-heard MP for Witney, David Cameron, also coming out in favour of removing the voters from their position of power.

"These people are only there to serve us," he complained bitterly, "And yet, time and again, they have gone out and spent money on houses, food, travel and all manner of household items. I mean, some of them even own a trouser press."

"It is becoming increasingly apparent that democratic government in Britain has become the laughing-stock of the world," he continued. "We should throw it out altogether and replace it immediately with a system we can believe in, such as a self-perpetuating oligarchy. It may not be radically different to what we have already, but it will nevertheless send a clear message to the people that their pathetic bleating will no longer be tolerated."

Meanwhile, the British Nazi Party have made a party political broadcast on Nick Angriff's mobile phone, in an attempt to reassure the British public that they clearly have no idea of how to spend money - or, indeed, of anything at all except ranting indignantly about everybody who has settled in the UK since the glaciers retreated.

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

'If You Don't Let Me Win I'm Taking My Shiny Red Cars Home', Threatens Italian Baby

A pair of shiny red Scalextric cars were found in lying in the street today by a small child, little Bernie Ecclestone. The expensive toys, handmade in Italy, are believed to have been thrown out of a matching red pram.

"I saw these nice toy cars in the gutter," said little Bernie, "And I thought what a shame it was to see them all covered in poo. So I picked them up in my hanky, put them under the garden tap and showed them to my big friend Blue Max. He's almost grown up, and he knows lots and lots of things he doesn't tell anyone."

Max dismissed the toys as a pair of decorative-but-useless Ferrari F60s, and thought they may have been thrown out of the pram during one of baby Luca di Montezemolo's frequent temper tantrums.

The cherubic purple-faced infant was unavailable for comment, as he is obstinately holding his breath until proposed rules changes are dropped from next year's Scalextric season - barring him from spending most of Italy's GDP in a futile attempt to develop a toy car that can win races without Michael Schumacher picking it up and putting it back on the track when it flies off at every corner.

"Scalextric is shiny red cars, and shiny red cars are Scalextric," yelled little Bernie excitedly - but his stern-faced friend disagreed, saying: "Scalextric can survive without shiny red cars."

Bright young Bernie then suggested that maybe the rules could be changed, allowing little Luca to spend as much as he likes - but ensuring a level playing field by allowing an adorable ginger kitten to swipe cars randomly off the circuit.

God Receives Accolade From Cyberspace For Developing 'Real' World

God has been acknowledged as the most bankable deity, in a list published in the World of Warcraft.

"God has created a fantastic 'real' world," said a humble shepherd-turned-paladin, Elorian the Wanderer. "Every single day, many people spend several hours in his highly-detailed realm engaged in all kinds of mundane activities. For example, my real character lives the reckless, heroic life of an estate agent."

"It's not just about raising families and working hard to make ends meet," he enthused. "Lots of people are fighting and dying in God's world, just for the fun of it really."

"There's just so much going on," he added, but conceded: "Although, of course there will always be some people who just give it a cursory glance and decide they prefer virtual reality."

Since God created his award-winning World in 4004BC, it has attracted an ever-growing number of followers.

"There are currently over six billion subscribers to the World of God, and the numbers are growing every day," said a spokesman for the bankable developer, the improbably-named Pope Benedict XVI. "All of them are happy to keep paying through the nose for the privilege of staying in the game."

The white-garbed cleric then went back to his favourite real-life pastime, wandering through the 'Holy Realm' stirring up trouble by spreading his chaotic, evil beliefs.

The Nev Filter Expense-Claim Confession in Full

Some MPs have rightly suggested that, as far as expense claims are concerned, various prominent media figures may have some skeletons in their closets.

In a spirit of openness (and before somebody sells my entire unaudited life to the Daily Telegraph) I would therefore like to abase myself before the altar of public opinion and confess all of my freebie-related sins.

1. I hereby confess that I blagged seven years of private school fees out of the council by sneakily taking the 11+ at the age of ten, just catching the tail-end of the Direct Grant scheme which I would otherwise have missed.

2. I hereby confess that by pretending to be vaguely interested in a military career at the age of 14, I cynically deceived the RAF into flying me - at taxpayers' expense - both from and back to the optimistically-named Plymouth Airport on several occasions, in a state-of-the-art Chipmunk T10 trainer.

3. I hereby confess that in 1987 I was treated to a night in a German-friendly hotel in London's fashionable Victoria by my employers, Virgin Retail Ltd, who hoped thereby to persuade me that there was some sort of hitherto-untapped market in Plymouth for Hammerite-sprayed alarm clocks at £25 a throw.

4. I hereby confess to availing myself of a free trip to BT's computing centre at Exeter's exclusive Sowton Industrial Estate, in order to hear a man in glasses tell me an amusing story concerning a work-experience girl who sat on a Winchester drive.

5. I hereby confess to obtaining two free visits to NUS Annual Conference in 1996 and 1997, by convincing a hundred or so students that I might, in some unspecified manner, be able to influence decisions that could conceivably affect them. I then spent my time shamelessly getting through several reams of SU-funded A4 for a satirical newsletter, cynically bypassing the rather long-winded democratic process by means of a popular and effective publicity stunt.

6. I hereby confess that in 2001 I made maximum use of the one free ticket I ever got for meeting my targets at National Rail Enquiries by travelling to London and back at peak times just for the hell of it, even though it meant wedging myself into a corner of the buffet car between Paddington and Reading due to overcrowding.

Whilst all of the above claims were made in full compliance with the relevant rules, I appreciate that my readers may have reached the reasonable - but entirely wrong - conclusion that I am interested solely in lining my own pockets at their expense; am in some way analagous to a gentleman of the stone-throwing persuasion whose transparent home is inappropriately fragile for such activities; and, furthermore, that I am a very dark container used in the brewing of tea.

I can only beg your forgiveness until such time as you have all lost interest in the matter.

Monday, 11 May 2009

Pope: 'We Must Never Forget The Evil I Was Fighting To Protect'

Pope Benedict XVI has visited Jerusalem's Yad Vashem memorial and insisted that the world must never forget the Holocaust, which he really didn't know about at the time as he was far too busy shooting down Allied aircraft which were trying to bring it to an end.

The pontiff went on to call the Nazis' systematic murder of six million Jews a "horrific tragedy which somehow completely escaped my attention."

"Sadly anti-Semitism continues to rear its ugly head in many parts of the world, including right under my nose," he continued. "This is totally unacceptable. Every effort must be made to combat anti-Semitism wherever it is found."

"Unless, of course, you happen to be a member of the Hitler Youth manning a flak battery in the last-ditch defence of your country, party and f├╝hrer," he added, "In which case you've probably got far too much on your plate to poke your nose into matters which don't concern you."

His Holiness then rekindled the eternal flame at the Hall of Selective Remembrance, where the names of the 22 largest concentration camps are etched into the floor.

"No, funnily enough I don't recall any of those," said God's earthly representative. "Should I have heard of them?"

Coffee Drinkers About To Lose Interest in Peasants and Rainforests

Supermarket chiefs were today rubbing their hands together with undisguised glee at the news that coffee prices are set to soar. The price rises have been confined mainly to Colombian Arabica beans, but the increased prices are likely to spread as consumers switch to cheaper brands.

Companies who sell coffee in brightly-coloured packaging said it had been raining a bit in South America, and also blamed price hikes of up to 19% on coffee drinkers wanting to drink coffee.

When asked if there was actually a shortage of coffee beans, Mr Ken Co of Maxploit House coughed and warned that prices could explode, adding: "We are in a dangerous situation."

When asked if he was now trying to pretend it was something to do with terrorism, Mr Co showed reporters a slide of a smiling South American peasant farmer and shouted: "Give us your money, or this nice man will be very sad."

"This should knock all that Fairtrade bollocks squarely on the head," smiled a spokesman for Tescburoson's. "Addicts, form an orderly queue for your ration jar of our tastelike own-brand grit. We deeply regret we've had to jack the price up a bit, due to unforeseen moonspot activity."

Sunday, 10 May 2009

UK Tricked By Scammers

A cleaner turned up to work at the palace of Westminster this morning, only to find the doors ajar and official papers blowing down silent corridors.

"I turn up ten to six as usual and the doors, they wide open," explained Mrs Abisola Iduoze. "I say 'Hello?' but nobody there. All the offices, they all empty. Everything a total mess. I ring my supervisor Mrs Sokolovic, I tell her I never get this place cleaned up by nine."

It was the same in Downing Street, where knotted bedsheets hung from an upstairs window at the back of the Prime Minister's residence. Of Gordon Brown and the entire government only a torn pair of trousers remained, flapping forlornly from the glass shards topping the rear wall.

Sadly, disappearing acts like this are a familiar story to consumer organisations up and down the country.

"Every so often, you'll get a leaflet through your door, asking you to donate your vote to some cause or other," said a trading standards officer. "They make all sorts of vague promises about helping the disadvantaged, providing jobs and giving children hope for the future. But it's just a tissue of cynical lies, intended solely for their own personal enrichment. They grab everything for themselves and, as soon as we start sniffing round, they do a runner. They're probably all laughing and drinking cocktails in Northern Cyprus right now."

With no MPs, lords or civil servants to run the country, Her Majesty the Queen stepped in to avert an unprecedented constitutional crisis, asking Mrs Iduoze to run the country until further notice.

The new PM acted swiftly to defuse civil unrest, urging the nation to stop fussing and have a nice cup of tea.