With the economic downturn growing worse by the day, Business Secretary Peter Mandelson is reported to be drawing up a list of businesses that the government will consider bailing out with taxpayers’ money.
“No-one can foretell how short or long, how painful or painless, the recession is going to be,” he explained. “On the one hand Woolies has gone tits up - never set foot in one myself of course, but very popular, very popular with the little people, I’m told; and yet on the other some mad doctor cheerfully blows a quarter of a million on a very nice kennel for her dogs, would you believe? All quite, quite contradictory; markets very edgy; businesses looking for guarantees, looking to government for leadership.”
Rather than consulting the Treasury or the Department for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform, Lord Mandelson is understood to have taken the unusual step of asking the Labour Party’s treasurer, Jack Dromey, for a list of corporate donors and sponsors.
“Lots of work to do; very busy, very busy identifying key players,” said Lord Mandelson. “Early days yet, of course; but I think it’s safe to say that Sainsbury’s and Tesco will turn out to be pretty recession-proof, along with British Aerospace, Shell, Nestlé, Patrick Stewart and Banksy’s art dealer. And if Eddie Izzard should happen to find his credit lines a bit over-extended in these trying times - not saying that he is, of course; very astute chap, Eddie, very ethical; a bit too much make-up for my tastes, but each to his own - well, it’s only right that the taxpayer should support this world leader in the cross-dressing comedy export industry.”
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