Saturday, 17 December 2011

Christian Cameron Struggles With ‘Doubts’ Over Big Theological Issues - Compassion, Humility, Hope, Morality

In a speech proclaiming himself a committed - if vague - churchgoer in a Christian Britain, prime minister David Cameron frankly admitted that he is “full of doubts” about weighty theological issues such as the teachings of Jesus.

We've all got our doubts
“Like most good Christians, I struggle with some of the more abstract concepts,” he said. “I mean, this compassion for the poor – what’s that all about? Don’t we each have to work at our own salvation? And what on earth did Jesus want to heal cripples for? If you’ve cured all the sick people, who do you blame for everything? Anyway, I bet they were all putting on an act, just to get a bit of sympathy. Jesus was a decent sort of chap, sure, but a bit gullible.”

Mr Cameron also acknowledged some difficulties in understanding the notion of Christian charity, apart from the ones who ask him for money to set up the sort of school which insists that science has it all wrong about the dinosaurs.

“One thing I reckon I have got my noddle around, though, is that stuff about giving away all your wealth if you want to enter the kingdom of heaven,” he added brightly. “That’s why I’m throwing all the cash in the Treasury at the consultants, the bankers, the service sector, the private healthcare providers, the construction industry, the train operating companies and anybody else with a nicely-tailored suit. I’m pretty sure it’s what Jesus would do.”

Friday, 16 December 2011

Wrong Hitchens Dead: God Resigns

After blowing the key theological principle of divine infallibility out of the water by calling the wrong Hitchens brother unto his bosom, God today called a press conference to announce his immediate resignation and the permanent closing down of Heaven.

God, you idiot
“What can I say? I cocked up,” admitted the creator of the universe. “Removing Christopher Hitchens, one of humanity’s few remaining intellectual giants, from the earth whilst leaving his loony brother Peter behind to torment you offers the clearest possible proof that I simply do not exist. Christopher has been making this point crystal clear to me since he died, and I have to admit he’s got me there.”

“Bill Hicks backed him up, too, when I delivered his birthday card,” added God sheepishly.

In the absence of an all-powerful deity and an afterlife, God expressed the hope that the human race might finally start treating each other with a bit of respect and dignity - although he acknowledged that, with hindsight, this was another area in which he has failed miserably.

Phase 1 Of Boris' Vision Of London Rolled Out

Thursday, 15 December 2011

Cameron Not Giving Problem Families £3733 Because They’ll Only Spend It On Drugs And Guns

Unveiling a £448m package aimed at 120,000 of Britain’s most dysfunctional families, prime minister David Cameron stopped short of actually giving them each a share of the cash, claiming they would only spend the money on drugs, guns, knives and a set of safecracking tools.

Mr Cameron has high hopes for the Angel Gang
Instead, the money – which is being diverted from budgets aimed at helping people who give a shit – will be used to raise a legion of social-work magicians, each of whom will be granted the mystical ability to transform their allotted scum into productive and responsible members of society with a wave of their special Cameron Wand.

“Each of these sociopathic ruffians will also be magically granted the ability to vote Conservative,” smiled Mr Cameron.

Astronomers Spot Black Hole Sucking In Vast Cloud Of Money

Researchers at the European Southern Observatory today published stunning pictures showing the enormous black hole at the centre of our galaxy spectacularly swallowing all the money in the universe.

“We’ve known for a couple of years now that all of the money that has ever existed since the dawn of creation is disappearing at a phenomenal rate,” explained top space guy Randy Von Braun. “But this is the first time we’ve actually been lucky enough to see economic entropy happening right in front of our eyes. Look! There goes Greece’s entire GDP for the next 500 years! Puff - and it’s gone forever!”
It's Fred the Shred!

“Nobody knows for sure what - if anything - can exist within the enormous gravitational forces inside a black hole,” he added. “But recent advances in quantum physics lead us to believe it may well be a branch of the Royal Bank of Scotland.”

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

World Wants Higgs-Boson Particle For Christmas

Everyone in the world is on tenterhooks today, waiting to hear whether the elusive Higgs-Boson particle has finally been found and, if so, whether they can order one in time for Christmas.

My particle is way cooler than yours
“I don’t actually know much about this Higgs thing or what it’s supposed to do,” admitted technology addict Josh Geake. “But I heard it’s very small and scientists have spent a huge amount of money trying to discover it, so it must be incredibly desirable. Therefore I need to get my hands on one as soon as it becomes available, so I can boast to all my envious friends about how it’s completely changed my life.”

“It it Flash-compatible?” he demanded hopefully.

Emin Made Perfesser Of Drorin

World-renowned manky installation-art slapper Tracey Emin will be on the sauce tonight, London was warned, celebrating her appointment by the Royal Academy as Perfesser of Drorin Stuff N Shit.

The professor is in, but only just
Although Emin initially rose to international fame for her post-modern deconstruction of the outmoded concept of ‘houseproud’, her avant-garde reputation was soon cemented by several inspired piss-artworks she presented on late-night arts discussion programmes. She has also recently dashed off some daubs for the London Olympics, 10 Downing Street’s back loo and the Royal College of Art’s bargain postcard sale.

“Perfesser Tracey’s faux-naïf wielding of a pencil, once she’s worked out which end works best, will inspire a new generation of art students to see just how much they might get away with in the name of self-promotion beyond the call of ability,” explained Eileen Cooper, the new head of the Royal Academy schools. “For example, I myself seem to have got clean away with using this publicity stunt to tell the world how jolly important my appointment is.”

Meanwhile, a delighted Ms Emin blew out a statement, explaining that she was “reely ecsited 2 b teechin agin arfter so many yeers. Larst time i tort sumby sumfin wuz wen i shode my art teetcher how 2 paent wiv my bum. It wuz tipacly brilyent if I sa so meselve. Hic.”

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Have You Seen Little Nicholas?

Little Nicky has no idea of the dangers of the real world
Concerns are growing for the welfare of little Nicholas Clegg, 44, who has been missing from his House of Commons since yesterday.

Little Nicky’s picture has been circulated to transport police amid fears that he may try to hitch-hike to Europe hoping to stay with his penpal, his Spanish wife Miriam.

Young Nicholas had seemed somewhat sullen and confused for days, according to his Guardian – sobbing to his Sunday School teacher, Mr Marr, that he was afraid of being “isolated and marginalised” but still insisting that he was OK and nothing was the matter.

“He told me he was just popping along to the parliamentary sweet shop to get a great big gobstopper for his friend David, and nobody’s seen him since,” said the young runaway’s distraught Uncle Vince, in a distressing attempt to appeal to the public. “He can’t have run away to join the circus, because he’s already in one.”

Town Centres Already Are Run Like Businesses, Councils Tell Interfering Hag

Frankly, this crumbling old facade is just depresssing
Local councils, which professional busybody Mary Fartas didn’t bother to consult when writing her report on Britain’s high streets, have taken issue with her argument that they ought to be run more like businesses.

“Our town centres already follow the classic British business model,” insisted the Local Government Association. “The customer gets ripped off, everything’s falling apart and it’s all being closed down.”

Monday, 12 December 2011

People Who Wanted To Win Contest Happy About Winning Contest

Some young women who entered a contest on telly hoping to win it said today that they were very pleased to have won it, according to all news media today.

The pinnacle of human achievement
Not in other headlines:

Britain Launches Nuclear Arsenal At Europe

World War 3 Kicks Off In Russia, Syria, DR Congo, Ivory Coast, Egypt, Somalia, South China Sea

Everyone Made Redundant

Civilisation Collapses

Environment Told To Go Hang After Polar Bear Discovered Eating Cub

Animals - worse than Ian Brady
The environment can go to hell in a handcart, announced a world disgusted by this horrific photograph of a polar bear munching happily on the bloody remains of its own young.

“For years we thought the polar bear was a majestic wonder of nature, the noble figurehead of the earth’s fragile ecosystem under threat,” said an appalled Greenpeace spokesman. “Now we find out they’re all sick paedo-cannibals. Well, fuck ‘em. From now on, my telly stays on standby all night, every night.”

Meanwhile, the Sea Shepherd organisation says it will, from now on, guide Japanese whaling ships to the best pods. “All the hard work we’ve put into saving their sorry asses, and what appreciation have the fat bastards even shown us?” demanded the aggrieved captain of the MY Steve Irwin. “Bugger all, that’s what. Bloody scroungers. I bet you they’re down there right now, laughing at us in their bloody whale palaces, drinking our beer, smoking our fags and shagging our women while we’re bouncing about the Southern Ocean, puking our bloody guts up on their behalf.”

And Sir David Attenborough - incensed at what he believes to be a personal betrayal by the animal kingdom he has devoted a lifetime to championing – says he has purchased an elephant gun and is setting off for Canada “for some trophies to replace my meaningless BAFTA awards.”