Saturday, 19 September 2009

Gadaffi Keen To Learn Best Practice From British Experts

Hot on the heels of the news that the little fucker who beat the crap out of you and nicked all your stuff will never be caught because the police are all off on a jolly in Libya, comes the announcement that Colonel Muammar Gaddafi is so pleased with his police forces' improved ability to catch speeding Libyan goat-herders that he has invited the City of London's bankers to his shores so they can teach his people how best to look after Libya's finances.

"Thanks to the skilful training delivered by Britain's brave policemen, my people need no longer cower in terror as a recklessly-handled goat bears down on them," beamed the world's friendliest dictator, as a hooded youth carefully lifted his wallet. "And your amply-buttocked policewomen have made splendid efforts to top up their tans on our sun-drenched beaches."

"We are a simple people, and we wish to learn from the world's best," he continued, as smoke began to billow from the windows of the palace behind him. "I ask all your hedge-fund managers, investment bankers, stock-market traders and pension-fund trustees to come over to Tripoli and show us how to turn our fragile oil-based economy into a reliable source of guaranteed everlasting growth."

Middle-East watchers feel that it cannot be long before Col. Gaddafi invites prime minister Gordon Brown to Libya, to show him how to run a nation prudently and improve his personal standing in the eyes of his people.

Wild-Eyed, Unkempt Scientist Proposes Eminently Practical Solution to E.Coli Outbreak

As trained vets methodically gun down yet more cute farmyard animals - this time at a petting farm near Exmouth - Britain's leading mad scientist, Doc Emmett Brown, has issued a stark warning to parents worried about the outbreak of E.Coli 0157.

"Animals are walking disease factories," he shrieked with authority. "Nothing less than a worldwide cull of all animal life will save your child from a potentially lethal dose of the squits."

"Animals are full of shit," added the white-haired expert, "And believe me, I know what I'm talking about."

He then grabbed a hammer, jumped into his customised deLorean and sped off into the distant past, leaving nothing but a pair of flaming tyre tracks to mark his desperate mission to save the human race from occasional attacks of the screaming shits by preventing life from ever evolving on Earth.

Not all microbiologists are as uncompromisingly radical as Doc Brown, however. Some argue that the petting of fish should still be allowed, as long as they are swimming in water containing at least a 75% concentration of Domestos. Others say that animal petting is perfectly safe, if the animals are covered in at least two inches of disinfectant gel at all times and children under five are made to wear space-suits.

Worried animal-loving parents, however, are faced with an agonising decision - whether to request a lethal injection for their faithful, docile pets or their awful, screaming brats.

Friday, 18 September 2009

Energy Bosses Decide Against Becoming Fabulously Wealthy At Slightly Slower Rate Suggested By Regulator

The UK's energy suppliers have donated a rope to Ofgem and a helpful diagram showing them how to piss up it, in response to the market regulator's polite request asking them if it wouldn't be too much trouble for them to take a few moments to briefly consider the remote possibility of maybe passing a tiny little fraction of the huge drop in wholesale energy prices on to their increasingly impoverished customers, if they wouldn't mind, that is.

EDF Energy executives on a fact-finding trip to the Frankfurt Motor Messe took time out from drooling over their newly-ordered Lamborghini Polygón coupés to say: "Nom d'un nom! We would of course be 'appy to reduce tareefs eef, 'ow you say, market conditions allow. Malheureusement, 'owevair, zees beautiful car she cost 1.1 million euros. Lamborghini, zey are only making fifteen of zem and we need zem all, or else zose cons from E.On will be flaunting zem all around zer glorious Fatherland - and our valued victims en Angleterre will surely agree zat zis cannot be allowed to 'appen, n'est-ce pas?"

Meanwhile, E.On directors were too busy slavering at the new Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG Gullwing to care what their French counterparts were saying. One of them, however, pointed reporters in the direction of the revoltingly ugly Peugeot iOn electric car, in the hope that any remaining UK customers still able to scrape together the money for a new car after settling their energy bills would buy one and plug it into the mains for several hours a day.

British Gas, whose senior management had just signed contracts for the first McLaren MP4-12C supercars off the production line, shook their heads sadly as they warned that prices were likely to remain at historically high levels because the soaring cost of paperclips meant that their penurious customers may well find more price hikes just around the corner, despite some slight reduction in the wholesale costs that British Gas pays to its sister companies for electricity and gas.

"Well, there you are - we asked. Job done for another year," smiled Ofgem chiefs apologetically, squeezing a few tears out of their pet crocodile before wandering off to see if they could put their names down for any remaining luxury dream cars not yet snapped up by energy bosses.

Al-Megrahi Defence Documents on Web Threaten To Blow Up In Government Faces

The British public were urged to stay well away from released Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi's website today by the British and US governments, who warned that hundreds of pages of newly-uploaded documents from his now-dropped appeal were "highly explosive", and there was a very real danger that his conviction could be blown out of the water if anybody actually bothered to read them.

Al-Megrahi took time out from dying of cancer to promise that defence submissions - detailing the flawed arguments, unreliable witnesses, paid informants, government interference and withholding of any evidence which undermined the prosecution case - would shortly follow the initial upload, which details his grounds for appeal and the reasons given by the Scottish Criminal Cases Review Commission for referring the case to the Appeal Court.

"We urge the public not to worry themselves with the ravings of a very sick man," cautioned Scottish Labour's justice spokesman, Richard Baker. "Successive British and American governments, and their secret services, have sworn all along that al-Megrahi is an evil murdering murderer who murderously murdered 270 murder victims by murdering them to death by murder. If you can't trust them implicitly - well, who can you trust?"

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

Sarah Ferguson Wanted For Committing Crimes Against Humanity To Film

The British public is being warned to stay away from desperate criminal fugitive the Duchess of York, who is tonight on the run from police seeking to question her on behalf of the Turkish government on suspicion of committing a documentary against the Turkish nation.

In the alleged documentary, shown last November, the renegade royal viciously held up the Turkish authorities to public criticism, bursting into a state-run orphanage with her gang of desperado (Princess Eugenie) before callously blowing the lid on the callous neglect and abuse of innocent orphans.

"This evil woman must be stopped before she commits any more acts of wanton undercover journalism," said a Turkish general out of the corner of his mouth, with his hand up the backside of his comical puppet foreign minister Ali Babacan. "Turkey is a wonderful place for a suntan, as any cheapskate who has enjoyed our glorious Kurd-free beaches will readily attest - unless, of course, they want a hands-on visit to our legendary prison system thrown in for free on their next visit."

"We would also like to point out to the British government that we also have a very big oil pipeline, with a tap attached to it," he added.

The US government is also expected to put pressure on Britain to extradite the feared 'Fergie' to Turkey, where it maintains several airbases and missile silos in case the Commies ever come back.

"What's the big deal?" commented US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. "We hear you guys are real keen on sending criminals back to dodgy oil-rich Muslim countries these days."

"Next time you want to poke your noses into our orphanages, send Elton John instead," suggested the secretive Turkish general, keeping carefully in the background and drinking a glass of water while his ministerial dummy cried hilarious fake tears. "Everybody will just tell him to stop pretending to be Madonna, and forget all about it."

Rape Ordeal So Last Week, Claims Famous Orange

Britain's leading celebrity orange, Katie Price, went on TV today to say that her rape by an unnamed mystery celebrity was no big deal, and she doesn't really know why she bothered to mention it in the first place.

The legendary plastic-breast carrier told Five's current affairs flagship The Wright Stuff that her startling claim that a famous celebrity had raped her - which she mentioned in passing in her hard-hitting column in the respectable newspaper OK!, before accidentally expanding on it in an interview the following issue - had been "blown out of context". She criticised the media for having the nerve to ask her who the rapist was, saying: "they just dig and dig and dig... it's been there and done now, so what do you do."

Leading linguistic experts and codebreakers have so far been unable to unravel this sentence, but continue to work round-the-clock to see if it contains any clues to the mystery rapist's identity.

"I will never, absolutely never reveal who it was wot raped me," yawned the shy, retiring owner of Britain's best-known artificial cleavage, "Cos then I might have to like prove it. Cawse, it could of bin some dead bloke. Maybe it was Gary Glitter - 'e muss be dead nah innee?"

Asked if she might consider going to the police, the much-loved orange replied, "Nah, I've got everyone's attention so wot's the point?"

"It happened absolutely years ago," she added, examining her fingernails closely. "If something happens you should go to the police. Maybe I should of done. But I'm bored wiv it all now, so widoncha like move on and ask me how I battled for years wiv Peter André's terrifying addiction to crying?"

Tuesday, 15 September 2009

Why Oh Why Do Celebrities Have To Die? Sob Women

Sea levels are rising alarmingly, as rivers already swollen with the floods of tears being cried for dead alcoholic Patrick Swayze are now bursting with the additional tears being shed for dead alcoholic Keith Floyd.

Drainage systems have been overwhelmed by the sheer volume of tears being sobbed in a single day by grown women who think everyone on TV is their bestest friend in the whole world ever.

"The floodgates are jammed shut," said an exhausted water manager from the Environment Agency. "The tear pressure should be enough to open the sluices, but they're blocked by all these eyeballs that have been cried out."

"Why do famous peepo orf the telly ever have to die? It's so unfair," wailed Tracy, a middle-aged mother of four who watched Dirty Dancing on average once a week to remind herself of her lost youth. "I reckon God muss juss be reely jealous, like, 'cos 'is borin' crappy films never git shown no more."

Tracy suddenly went white as a sheet, and stammered: "Jer fink one day I might like die meself? If even Patrick Swayze an' 'is pert bum can die, wot fackin' 'ope is there for me? Waaaaaah."

"Fack me, I'm blind," she added, as her eyes popped out under the renewed pressure from her swollen tear ducts.

Whisky distillers in Scotland and wine producers all over the world are also said to be inconsolable over Floyd's death from a heart attack.

As the world's media pundits remind people that bad news always comes in threes, Britain's men are stoically sublimating their grief by taking bets on which inexplicably-adored celeb is going to turn up his toes next, with Noel Edmonds, Graham Norton, Ant and/or Dec and Bruce Forsyth topping the lengthening wish lists.

Bookies' favourite, however, is Whitney Houston - whose return to the limelight in middle age, after years of drink and drug abuse, is almost certain to do for her before she has another chance to inflict her raucous yells on massed crowds of delusional fortysomethings.

Showers Give You AIDS Cancer, Say Scientists

Women who feel the need to shower themselves after every widdle are going to die horribly of AIDS cancer, according to a stark warning issued by lab-coated scientists from the University of S.C. Johnson today.

"Your shower head is full of raw faeces, which provides an ideal environment for the human papilloma virus, swine flu, flesh-eating bacteria and cancer," said Dr S.C. Johnson. "You think you're getting yourself fresh and clean, but in fact you might as well be swimming up the Ganges with your mouth open, downstream from a leper colony."

"And the lepers all have dysentery," he added.

Although shower-heads are undoubtedly the leading cause of death today, say the scientists, they are not the only killers lurking unsuspected in your house.

"Your dehumidifier is full of tuberculosis," added Dr Johnson. "And the evaporative cooler in your freezer is busily injecting bubonic plague into that two-litre tub of double-choc ice cream even as I speak."

With deadly bacteria, viruses, fungi and microscopic aliens infesting door handles, handrails and every other surface you will ever come into contact with, the only guaranteed way to avoid instant lingering death is to seal yourself inside a sterile NBC suit and pump it full of disinfectant gel, according to health experts.

"You will, of course, suffocate as your lungs fill with mint-scented gunge," advised a spokesman for the Department of Health. "But at least your death will be fresh and clean."

Monday, 14 September 2009

Nice Middle Class Parents' Outrage At Being Treated With Same Suspicion As Council-Estate Scum

In the face of mounting public fury, Children's Secretary Ed Balls has moved quickly to defuse the row by offering to make a few meaningless cosmetic changes to the government's plans to label everyone in Britain a child-molesting pervert.

Parents who take part in voluntary lift-share schemes to save their poor little darlings from falling into the clutches of the armies of raincoat-clad weirdos who infest school buses and pavements expressed outrage when the government announced that they would all have to submit to a Criminal Records Bureau check, which would label them either as convicted kiddie-fondlers or potential kiddie-fondlers who just haven't been caught yet.

"How dare the government call me a paedophile!" screamed a respectable middle-class mum from the window of her Espace as she dropped her respectable middle-class daughter off at a middle-class school in Surrey which performs very respectably in the league tables. "Everybody knows that paedophiles live on benefits on inner-city sink estates in the North of England. Why don't they just round them all up and sterilise them?"

Mr Balls, however, told reporters that he was ordering a review into the Vetting and Barring Scheme, to see if there was a way of excluding nice people from its remit.

"I can't give you any specifics at present," said the sweating Balls, "But one option we're examining is a Newsagent Check. It seems to me that anyone who takes the Mail or the Express on a regular basis is obviously a normal, well-balanced individual who poses no risk at all to society."

Old Crap Beaten To Top Of Charts by Really Old Crap

The legendary Forces' Fuckbuddy of World War 2, Dame Vera Lynn VC DSO MC, has sold over 100 copies of her new album of tired old crap - propelling her to the top of the charts ahead of tired old crap by The Beatles and more tired old crap by Michael Jackson.

"Are you my husband?" drooled the spry 142-year-old at a press conference in the TV lounge of the White Cliffs Retirement Home. "They put poison in my tea here, they do."

The unprecedented three-digit sales figures were compiled from sources all over the south coast, including Bexhill-on-Sea, Bournemouth, Torquay and other fading resorts favoured by the nearly-dead.

"Dame Vera's sentimental warblings will always occupy a special place - sometimes the only place remaining - in the diminishing brain cells of those old enough to remember how to strip a Bren gun," said the Light Programme's Paul Gambaccini, who was originally supplied to Britain under Lend-Lease in 1941. "These old warhorses are entirely unfamiliar with such new-fangled concepts as peer-to-peer file-sharing and ripping to CD, and retain a quaint, old-fashioned belief in paying for music. Many of them have never had the pleasure of hearing the unforgettable dirges of yesteryear in this particular order, as their gramophones lack any kind of playlist function."

The 'We'll Sell Again - The Very Same of Vera Lynn' compilation includes such unforgettable classics as '(There'll Be Blue Rinses Over) The Grey Cliffs of Dorset', 'We'll Meet Again, But We Won't Recognise Each Other' and 'When They Sound The Last Dinner Call'.

However, it is feared that the album may rapidly drop out of the charts next week, after a retired RAF wireless operator told his fellow residents he thought his nephew might have one of those fancy new twin-cassette gizmos. Pound shops across southern England said they were bracing themselves for a run on their remaining stocks of C90 five-packs.