Thursday, 4 September 2008

Fuckwit Wastes Fortune on Dead Stoner's Old Rubbish

Some American fuckwit with more money than sense has wasted £280,000 for the knackered remains of a guitar wrecked by a junkie forty years ago.

The once-valuable Fender Stratocaster was set ablaze by stoked LSD-addict Jimi Hendrix in a pathetic onstage effort to distract his pothead fans from his shoddy, tedious performance at the London Astoria in 1967. The delusional would-be entertainer - who was too addled by chemicals to even spell his own name - eventually achieved fleeting notoriety high three years later by drowning in his own vomit while off his face on drugs.

At the car boot auction, the rich fuckwit buyer held up a bin-bag containing the blackened wreckage of the guitar, grabbed an old lady looking at china knick-knacks and shouted, “I spent more on this garbage than you’ll ever see in the rest of your miserable life, you smelly old bag. I am going to play it, I hope some of it rubs off on me. What’s left of the lacquer’s peeling badly for a start, in fact I’ll probably be shaking most of it out of the bag when I get home.”

As the fuckwit gloated over his useless piece of junk, another obscenely wealthy fool at the same chav-meet parted with an eye-watering £32,000 for a bit of firewood with some unintelligible twaddle carved into it by another obscure space-cadet waster, the woefully-untalented John Lennon.

Confusion Over Top Job at Met United

Confusion reigns at Metropolitan United Police Club, with conflicting reports about whether manager Sir Ian Blair is still in charge of the team.

A story in the Times had suggested that he was being ousted from his high-profile job. However, Sir Ian has denied the rumours, saying: “I have a job to do: I am getting on with it and will continue to do so.”

Sir Ian flourished under the previous owner, Tony Blair, as he led the police club known to millions of Londoners as the ‘Loon Army’ to victory. Some insiders, though, claim the situation has deteriorated since the takeover by Gordon Brown’s management team, pointing to a series of embarrassingly public fumbles.

According to the Times, Sir Ian was merely being kept in the post long enough to take any flak from the inquest into the shambolic public slaughter of a harmless Brazilian electrician - killed in a home fixture by members of his elite goon squad.

However, the long-serving manager jokingly told the press: “Reports of my death are an exaggeration - which is more than you can say for Jean Charles de Menezes.”

Won't Get Fuelled Again

Gordon Brown has further angered an increasingly-impoverished nation by declaring that the government will not, after all, be helping millions of householders struggling with skyrocketing fuel bills by giving them a one-off payment of £100.

Announcing the U-turn from an upstairs window of 10 Downing Street, the prime minister shouted: “What do you think I am, made of money? Bugger off, the lot of you!” at reporters, before emptying a chamber-pot out into the street and slamming the window shut.

A spokeswoman for the catchily-named Department for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform later confirmed that the much-touted cash assistance plan had been dumped in favour of some vague-sounding pep-talk about improving energy efficiency, which would probably contain an appropriate number of buzz-words and platitudes and keep Guardian leader-writers happy for five minutes.

She denied rumours circulating within government circles that the prime minister had prised open the department’s petty cash tin with a spoon and run off with the several hundred million pounds in loose change set aside to help the poorest households with their energy bills, shouting: “It’s my money, and if I want to give it all to the construction industry instead, in return for some woolly promises about better insulation, then that’s my business.”

“I don’t think it was a spoon he used,” she said. “I heard it was a rusty penknife.”

The embattled prime minister later appeared again at the window - stark naked, clutching a cuddly toy panda and grinning from ear to ear - and told the media that he was “cautiously optimistic” about the economy. In an ensuing scuffle within the upstairs room, he was then apparently wrestled away from the window by spin doctors, some of whom seemed to be holding large syringes.

Wednesday, 3 September 2008

Back in the Jug Agane

Children starting school for the first time this week will not leave until they are 17, under phase one of a two-stage plan by the government to raise the school leaving age to 18.

When this year’s starters reach the age of 16, they will be offered a choice of staying in education in school or college, or undertaking work-based training.

“If Labour are in power in 11 years’ time – no, don’t laugh, it could happen – then this will be hailed as a visionary long-term effort to reduce the number of youngsters leaving education without any qualifications, in a future where unskilled jobs will have become a thing of the past,” explained Schools Secretary Ed Balls. “But if, as seems increasingly likely, the Conservatives are still running the country in 2019, then whatever is left of the Labour Party - or whatever it may call itself by then - will complain loudly that the whole thing is nothing more than a cynical scheme designed solely to engineer a dramatic short-term drop in the unemployment figures by keeping thick, idle wasters off the dole, regardless of the disruption they will undoubtedly cause to other students.”

Mr Balls acknowledged that, given the current rate of grade inflation, this year’s school entry will all leave with at least 27 grade-A GCSEs and a first-class honours degree. However, he felt that employers may have cottoned on by then, and the minimum qualification for a household slave in 2019 would probably be a PhD.

Load of Red Bull

Red Bull and other energy drinks are a growing problem among schoolchildren, according to a leading drugs expert.

Bob Tait of Drug Awareness UK said that when he went into schools to talk about drugs he often encountered pupils who were taking too many energy drinks, and advised school nurses to be on the lookout for symptoms of energy drink abuse, such as hyperactivity, restlessness, chest pains, headache and racing tiny aeroplanes at low altitudes.

“If these kids are mainlining on Red Bull now, it’s only a matter of time before they start cutting it with vodka, and giving it large in the playground,” he warned. “I have done some research, and I think they may be getting these deadly energy drink fixes from street-corner dealers like Spar and Costcutter. Make no mistake - just one sip from a 250ml can of V will blow their eyes clean out of their sockets. And as for Lucozade, it doesn’t keep the doctor away but it does give a fifteen-year-old a coronary in seconds. Fact! These children might as well strap hand grenades to their heads and jump into a vat of nitric acid brim-full of hungry sharks. Excuse me, I must just go and lie down for a minute.”

A spokesman for Red Bull said, "Oh, for fuck's sake. In general, children are more sensitive to caffeine than adults, this is why we do not recommend Red Bull to sensitive individuals including children. Nor, for that matter, do we recommend the wearing of hand grenades as fashion accessories or swimming in shark-infested acid, unless it is done responsibly by adults. He’s bloody right about that V stuff, though. I had a swig of it once at a trade show, and my nose exploded."

The government said it was adopting a cautious, wait-and-see approach to the matter.

“We’ll wait and see if the Daily Mail runs a front-page scare story about it,” said a tired-looking, red-eyed junior health minister.

Notoriously Jug-Eared Former Home Secretary Detects Barely-Audible Rumours of Discontent

The former home secretary Charles Clarke has warned that his massive ears have detected whisperings in the community at large that Labour are perhaps not as popular as they used to be.

Writing in the New Statesman, the elephant-eared Mr Clarke – now a part-time model for toby-jug sculptors - said the government may possibly be “destined to disaster” and “utter destruction” if it does not change.

“Thanks to my mutant pachyderm DNA I can tune into the slightest whisper anywhere within a 200-mile radius, enabling me to detect faint rumblings which are completely inaudible to other politicians - and I overheard a bloke in a pub in Derby telling his mates he was beginning to wonder about Gordon Brown,” he wrote. “But it would be completely wrong for anyone to suggest that, even though I am a leading supporter of the godlike Tony Blair, I am motivated by anything other than a purely altruistic desire to hold onto my Norwich South seat. That shambling, sour-faced misfit Brown knows that I have my ears to the ground. Even when standing up.”

Tuesday, 2 September 2008

The Gang Show

Britain’s parents are to receive a booklet from the government, advising them on how to tell whether their child is in a gang, and what to do about it.

According to the Home Office, concerned parents need to be aware of the following tell-tale signs.

If you are a single-parent family, live on a council estate, use buses, are poor, read the Sun or the Mirror, or watch every episode of Coronation Street – your children are probably already hardened criminal desperadoes. Haul your monstrous spawn to the local police station, or call for an armed response unit.

If you live in the home counties, own a nice house and a couple of decent cars, read a proper newspaper, keep the children indoors all the time and are middle-class – there is nothing to worry about. To keep your children on the straight and narrow, vote Labour.

Branson Unveils Plan to Bugger Up Airport

Richard Branson has expressed an interest in Gatwick Airport, in the event that the Competition Commission orders Spanish-owned BAA to reduce the number of airports it operates.

The Virgin Atlantic supremo told the media that he was looking to form a consortium.

“I’m very keen on buying Gatwick,” said the bearded tycoon, “But only with somebody else’s money.”

“Well, let’s all hope he doesn’t cock it up this time,” said the Nev Filter’s resident business expert. “After the trains, the cola and the vodka, any credibility he might once have had must be wearing pretty thin by now. I mean, he’s been dining out on signing the Sex Pistols for thirty-odd years now. Have you watched Virgin One lately? I rest my case. Branson is about as cutting-edge as a beige tank-top.”

Transport industry insiders say that, if the plan comes to fruition, Branson will no doubt pull some typically tiresome publicity stunt - perhaps with his toy spaceship, or maybe with some kind of pretend Zeppelin - and will probably re-brand the busy international gateway as ‘Spaceport: Earth’, or something equally daft.

Have A Go If You Think You're Hard Enough

Britons are the least likely ‘have-a-go heroes’ in Europe, according to public policy think-tank Reform.

According to the report, six out of ten Britons would not get involved if they saw a group of 14-year-olds vandalising a bus stop; and three-quarters said it was the job of the police and the courts, not the general public, to control anti-social behaviour.

We conducted some research of our own by sending our work-experience trainee out to commit random acts of violence in the street, and the little tyke found that 40% of the public walked straight by, 25% filmed him on their mobiles and posted the footage on YouTube, 20% joined in with enthusiasm and 15% gave him an encouraging round of applause.

The government, meanwhile, announced an initiative to make the public feel more secure by placing a headline tax on the Daily Mail every time it runs a scare story about Britain’s Deadly Streets.

East Anglia Enders

Cambridge University has approached soap scriptwriters in the hope of breaking down its elitist image.

The university has written to EastEnders, Coronation Street, Top Gear and Doctor Who in the hope of attracting more applicants from state schools, specifically by pointing out the financial packages on offer.

“Ideally, we would like a multi-programme crossover story,” said a spokesman. “Perhaps Doctor Who and his bubbly new assistant Bianca could challenge Jeremy Clarkson to a race to Cambridge, starting from Manchester - which I’m told is some ghastly wasteland near the North Pole - to see if his TARDIS is faster than a Bugatti Veyron. When they got here, they’d find the university under attack from the Ice Warriors, led by the evil Wilmott-Brown and his human sidekick, Hilda Ogden. Mr Clarkson could defeat the Ice Warriors by airing his forthright views on foxes and environmentalists, which would raise the temperature by several degrees, while the Doctor would send Wilmott-Brown and Hilda back to their own time zones.”

The spokesman went on to say that, in return for this, they would receive bursaries of up to £200 per semester to help with the rising cost of domestic servants.

Monday, 1 September 2008

Storm in a Teacup

George W Bush has expressed his disappointment at the lacklustre performance of Hurricane Gustav, which missed the abandoned ghost town of New Orleans and has now been downgraded to a Category One storm.

“I passed up the Republican party convention for this?” complained the president, who went to Austin, Texas with vice-president Dick Cheney in order to get a ringside view of the anticipated devastation. “I missed the show here three years ago, but I came down afterwards and everywhere you looked there was utter devastation. It looked like it musta been awesome. Back then, everyone was saying I oughta have been there sooner, so this time I took their advice and booked in advance. Well, thanks for nothing, losers - I missed out on a standing ovation from my loyal, drooling fanclub, thanks to you.”

Meanwhile, British TV screens are filled with images of rain-lashed streets in America, taking viewers’ minds off the rain-lashed streets outside their windows.

Along with every other UK news provider, the Nev Filter sent its top reporter to New Orleans hoping for shocking live coverage of marauding looter gangs and corpses floating in the floodwaters.

“The fact that I’m standing here, soaking wet, on a blustery New Orleans street instead of being flung dramatically into the stratosphere indicates what a damp squib this story has turned out to be,” he reported via his mobile phone. “I said last week, you should have sent me to the Caribbean. Hold on, there’s a chap over there struggling with a collapsed umbrella, do you want me to interview him? Sir, you’ve lost your temper completely and your brolly is in ruins. Do you think the authorities should do more to help?”

Meanwhile, oil companies rubbed their hands together in glee as they found yet another spurious excuse for raising their prices.

Stop Press: Unpopular PM Resigns

A deeply-unpopular prime minister who has been in office for just over a year and presided over deepening economic gloom, lost data scandals and failed health service reforms has resigned - but not in Britain, unfortunately.

Japan’s Yasuo Fukuda told the press: “I believe there will be an election for the party leader.”

Meanwhile, back in Britain, Gordon Brown is claiming that his government is “resilient” in dealing with the current economic woes facing the country - despite the pound plummeting to its lowest value in years against the dollar and the euro, in the wake of Alastair Darling’s gloomy weekend announcement that the country was facing its worst economic situation in sixty years.

Asked if he agreed with the chancellor’s dire forecasts, Mr Brown said: There are unique circumstances with the trebling of oil prices. That has not happened previously - and of course with the credit crunch.”

“And I think you’ll find that the actions we have taken and the actions we are taking are actions that are designed to help British people get through what is a difficult world economic downturn,” he added.

When asked why, in this worldwide crisis, every other currency seemed to be worth quite a bit more than sterling, Mr Brown folded his arms, tapped his foot and glared at the ceiling.

When he was also invited to explain why the nation’s finances were now – according to his own chancellor - reduced to the same parlous state as in the late 1940s, when Britain had bankrupted itself fighting a six-year world war for its very survival against the Nazis and their Axis allies, the PM flung a pen at the reporters and stamped out of the room claiming he wasn’t crying, he had something in his eye.

Sunday, 31 August 2008

Solitary Teenager Not Stabbed to Death Over Weekend

The whole of Britain has been celebrating the unexpected good news that one teenager has managed to get through the entire weekend without being stabbed to death.

Jack Thompson, 17, managed to escape the grisly, needless fate of the rest of his entire generation, thanks to his parents locking him in the attic from Friday afternoon to Monday morning.

The sullen, pallid youth grunted unintelligibly at reporters as he climbed down the ladder onto the landing, before shutting himself in his room and turning the music up. His mother Becky, however, sobbed with relief as she told reporters how happy she was to be the only parent in Britain today not mourning the meaningless death of her child.

“It’s been getting worse lately, hasn’t it?” said Mrs Thompson. “Just look at the papers. So I decided to take matters into my own hands. Jack spent all of Friday evening moaning that all his friends were texting him, telling him about the wonderful time they were having, but the messages tapered off over the weekend as, one by one, all his schoolfriends were brutally murdered by each other. I’ll let him out next weekend, though - as he’s now the only teenager left alive in the whole country, there’s nobody left to stab him to death over some completely trivial matter. Of course, there won’t be any parties for him go to – still, at least he can have his pick of funerals.”

Jack was expected to spend several hours on the Playstation while playing CDs irritatingly loud, until leaving later this afternoon for his shift on the checkout at Tesco – where his future seems assured, as there will be nobody to replace him for three years.