Saturday, 31 October 2009

Calendars Command Fun-Loving Families To Celebrate Commercially-Debased Festival By Cheerfully Terrorising The Quiet Guy Down The Road

Childless adults are tonight barricading themselves inside their homes as best they can, ready to face the annual festive Halloween celebration of the brain dead.

"This is a solemn Christian festival, sanctioned and sanctified by Hallmark and countless other devoutly-minded multinational corporations and humble pound shops, in which simple God-fearing churchgoers pay reverence to the dear memory of their departed friends and relatives by dressing themselves up in plastic tat, covering themselves in fake blood and victimising vulnerable, lonely people in their own homes," said a man dressed imaginatively as a zombie.

"It's their own fault, the weird bastard perverts," he added. "If they get dogshit pushed through the letterbox, it bloody serves the miserable freaks right for turning milk sour, molesting small children and animals and not being out on the streets themselves, besieging other isolated, vulnerable recluses like all decent folk do."

Halloween - or Arse Holes' Eve as it used to be known - is a much-loved children's tradition dating back to 1978 and the release of John Carpenter's original film, in which American teenagers are hacked to death by a masked maniac in a fairly obvious metaphor for the taboo subject of sexual awakening.

"Before then, it was a case of going along to evensong and singing a few boring hymns," said Archbishop Walter Mart, as he prepared for his sacramental duties by dressing up as an undead pirate bearing absolutely no resemblance to Johnny Depp. "But today it is a fun event for all the family to teach their children to treat the elderly with no respect whatsoever - and that extortion with menaces is perfectly acceptable behaviour, as long as it is sanctioned by the popular media and printed in diaries."

Card retailers and supermarkets are hoping to build on Halloween's successful marketing exercise next year, by promoting the populist debasement of another obscure date in the church calendar, Michaelmas.

"It is a tragedy that so many days in the year condemn people to the misery by having no corporate-approved means of enjoying themselves at other people's expense associated with them," said a family fun-loving spokesman for the British Retail Consortium. "We've gone for St Michael's Day primarily because September is traditionally a bit of a lean month in the pointless, throwaway crap market sector."

"What nicer way to celebrate the feast day that marks the archangel St Michael's pious founding of a high-street food-and-knickers chain than by rampaging through residential areas dressed as fucking enormous daisies?" he added. "Preferably with bloody great scythes, or some kind of modified strimmer or flymo that can be rammed into an old git's face."

Friday, 30 October 2009

Elected Representatives Resign En Masse Over Petty, Small-Minded Blog Attacks

Britain faces an unprecedented constitutional crisis today, with all 630 MPs resigning their seats after finding out that The Nev Filter has been saying some things about them that were not really very nice at all.

The shock walkout from the House of Commons comes only hours after eleven members of the 15-strong Somerton Town Council quit in protest at being called "jackasses" and "clown councillors" by Somerset blogger Niall Connolly.

"This nasty Nev person seems to take a warped, perverse delight in portraying me as a sad, isolated authoritarian with no friends, no ideas and no hope," sobbed ex-PM Gordon Brown as he trudged out of London with a few possessions tied up in a knotted handkerchief. "Well, I'm going back to Scotland, where I shall be taking a boat and rowing to an uninhabited island in the middle of nowhere to live out my remaining days in complete isolation from the human race. I just hope he's proud of himself."

"I don't know how people like him can sleep at night," he added forlornly.

David Cameron, the former leader of the Conservative Party, echoed his one-time opponent's sentiments.

"All I have ever sought is to humbly serve the people of this nation," he wailed, as his chauffeur attempted to loop a length of rope around a lamp-post on Westminster Bridge. "I appreciate that there has always been a cruel streak in the British people, who seem to revel in building people up to knock them down - but The Nev Filter's repeated suggestions that I am some kind of sheltered, cynical opportunist next to whom Margaret Thatcher would look like Mother Theresa is more than I can bear. As soon as my man here has tied the noose, it's goodbye cruel Nev."

The former leaders' dismay was echoed throughout the parliamentary parties, with upset ex-MPs booking one-way tickets to remote destinations well off the beaten track, entering monasteries or simply leaping from suspension bridges with breeze-blocks chained to their ankles.

The unexpected power vacuum was fortuitously filled by the Youth Parliament, who happened to be holding an important debate about the latest version of Grand Theft Auto in the House of Commons' Debating Chamber. They were swiftly sworn in as the acting government of the United Kingdom by outgoing speaker John Bercow, who then stepped down and shot himself.

Asked it he was pleased with the unexpected effect of his constant online sniping, Nev told reporters that he was very sorry that the affairs of state were now in the hands of a bunch of 11-18-year-olds.

"Frankly, I'd trust a bunch of under-10s more," he said. "But it's a step in the right direction."

Young People Enjoy Death Risk, Says Man Who Ran Away From Military Training Centre

Young people enrol on the Duke of Edinburgh's Award Scheme because of the sense of excitement they get from thinking they might get killed, says a member of the royal family whose idea of risk-taking is limited to deciding which of his relatives might score the highest US TV ratings.

Prince Edward himself is no stranger to life-or-death decisions, having bravely chosen to run away from Lympstone Barracks in 1987 rather than spend another minute training to become a Royal Marine.

"When I enrolled on that awful course, I had this fanciful notion that I'd be dashing around in front of the press for ten minutes with boot polish all over my face, before retiring to the officers' mess for an agreeable luncheon," said the prince. "It all seemed pretty bloody heroic to a young blade like me. But the hard reality turned out to be some bloody three-stripe oik bellowing at me every day to climb ten-foot walls, clamber through underwater pipes, swing over ditches on a slippery old rope and otherwise endanger life and limb for no clearly-discernable reason."

"After ten weeks of risking all for mum and country, I told myself, 'Bugger this for a game of TV producers' and took the incredibly hard decision to do a runner on the next Exmouth-Barnstaple train out of there," he explained. "And as I stood waiting at Exeter St David's for the InterCity to Paddington, I was pumped up on sheer adrenalin - knowing that skipping the remaining 20 weeks of the course could well result in my dad killing me when I got home."

"Gosh - thinking about it, wouldn't this be absolutely ripping material for my next documentary?" the prince exclaimed. "I've got a title forming in my head already! 'Edward: Prince of Danger!' What d'you think?"

"I'll get my people to ring your people," he added. "Of course, it'll mean dressing up in all that hideously-tailored camouflage gear and doing the odd bit of crawling around in the mud for a bit of action footage - but hey! No pain, no gain!"

Thursday, 29 October 2009

Search Begins For Wild Canadian Music Critics

Authorities in Nova Scotia's Cape Breton National Park are desperately trying to track down two coyotes which killed a young Canadian folk singer, in the hope that the ferocious creatures can be trained to rip out the throats of exasperating, vapid pop celebrities.

Singer-songwriter Taylor Mitchell, 19, was on a solo hike through the woods when the furry music critics unexpectedly struck. Fellow hikers heard her screams - but by the time they realised she was not wailing an impassioned folk-song about getting back to nature or the perils of globalisation, it was too late to save her.

"The eastern coyote is normally a shy, reclusive animal, hiding away from humans in its den with a pair of headphones and a stack of original John Coltrane vinyl," said mountie Benton Fraser, who - together with Ray, a grumpy New York cop who is technically outside his jurisdiction - is leading the hunt. "In extreme circumstances they have been known to take the occasional stereo from campsites, when the constant blare of college radio and AOR is really getting on their nerves - but there are very few documented cases of them actually expressing their disapproval of a particular musical style in such a direct manner."

He then ate some coyote poo, grossing out his American colleague.

"If we can capture these noble beasts alive then hopefully, after weaning them on a diet of Lady Gaga, Kanye West and the X Factor twins, we can release them into the urban environment and put them on the trail of other nauseating, pestilential fame-addicts," mused Constable Fraser. "Just imagine the excitement of going to a Morrissey gig to see a slavering pack of coyotes bound onto the stage and chew his wrinkly, whingeing face clean off."

"If only my pet wolf Diefenbacker wasn't blessed with deafness, you know, I'm sure he'd be only too willing to lend a helping paw in a mass pop cull," he added politely. "Even so, deaf as he is, just the sight of the Jay-Z feat. Alicia Keys on a magazine cover has him angrily worrying the news-vendor's leg."

Latest Tragic Substitute For Enjoyment Foisted Upon Toy-Addicted Recluses

Console addicts whose attention spans are too goddamned short to even consider ever trying to develop some sort of talent or ability are said to be "moderately enthusiastic" about the UK release of 'DJ Villain', the latest feeble substitute for actually participating in real life, if somebody else goes into Game and gets it for them.

Following on from the success of 'Guitar Villain', the pale imitation of DJ-ing enables the terminally lazy to pretend they are mixing tracks all by themselves without the terrible effort of lifting records on and off turntables. A nasty plastic imitation deck with wobbly buttons and cheap, breakable sliders will enable the goddamned fools to pretend to spin an extremely limited selection of rubbish sounds, convincing their family and friends that they will never contribute anything whatsoever to society but a regular flow of sewage.

An evil henchman from Inactivision told reporters: "'DJ Villain' and 'Guitar Villain' are only the first in an exciting range of substitutes for real human interaction that we have planned. Over the next year, we hope to flood the market with ground-breaking titles. 'Call Centre Fuckwit' will come with a flimsy headset, enabling gamers to mumble a limited set of unhelpful suggestions in response to pretend customer queries flashed up on screen, while 'Fries McBastard' will feature a cheap plastic fryer which must be regularly filled with hot fat and lengths of string and shaken in response to flashing lights."

"And look out next Christmas for the revolutionary 'Couch Potato Slob', in which the players must quickly put brightly-coloured plastic sweets, pizza slices and crisps into their mouths when prompted by such legendary gutbuckets as Elvis Presley, Robbie Coltrane, Jo Brand and Hurley from Lost," he added.

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

Brown Successfully Fooling All Of The People With Credit Card 'Crackdown'

Gordon Brown was actually seen to smile today, as it became clear that his latest scheme to drive the ungrateful population of Britain into abject penury had sucessfully slipped through under the radar.

"By and large, everyone was so busy punching the air and shouting, "Yeah, fuck you..." followed by the name of their credit card providers that they completely failed to attach any significance to the last bit," said a banker, who sensibly never uses the damned things. "Freezing interest rates on existing debts sounded great, as long as nobody remembers that their current rate is quite significantly higher than the rate of inflation."

"Everyone's also cheering the stuff about paying off the higher-rate expenditure first," he went on, "Even though it would probably be news to a lot of them quite how badly they get stung when they use their credit card in a cash machine."

"Of course, what completely escaped their notice as they gleefully hugged complete strangers was the bit about whacking up the minimum repayment to Christ only knows what," he continued with a grin. "This, apparently, will encourage people to repay their borrowings swiftly. Except, of course, that people are feeling the pinch already - so many of them won't be able to afford the higher payments, meaning they'll have to cut their cards up and convert the debt into a loan."

"Result: with fixed-term loans replacing the never-never on our books, the banks' recovery plans will look more financially attractive to investors!" he added, as he opened another bottle of Krug. "Too bad about all the peasants waving bye-bye to any hopes of ever getting off credit blacklists. The important thing is that this should do wonders for our share prices. Cheers Gordon, you bum-faced Scots git - you're not as stupid as you look after all. Keep this up, and maybe we'll change our minds about calling in the Labour Party's overdraft before next year's election campaign."

World's Least Plausible Rumour Somehow More Plausible After Suspiciously Rapid Denial

Downing Street moved swiftly today to quash rumours that Gordon Brown had ordered two civil servants to lobby for European support for Tony Blair to become President of the EU.

"Gordon spent eight hate-filled years with his head wedged firmly up Blair's arse," said a head wonk at Number Ten. "Are you seriously expecting any living creature with even the most rudimentary nervous system to believe for a nanosecond that he could possibly want to go back to that? Look, there are starfish that wouldn't buy that one."

However, seasoned political commentators are hinting that the prime minister may be playing a longer game, hoping that the Czechs' delaying tactics will mean that a Conservative government will be running Britain by the time the Lisbon Treaty is finally implemented.

"If David Cameron is PM, imagine how pissed off he's going to be when Blair suddenly pops up and starts telling him what he can and can't do," said one observer. "That in itself would be a source of deep and lasting joy for Gordon. But it might be an astute political move, too. As time has passed, his low public profile means that people have largely forgotten what a complete and utter twat they thought Tony Blair was."

"After Gordon loses the election, he'll step down and some Blairite chimp will probably take the reins of the Labour Party," he continued. "Soon, Blair's grinning mug will be all over the news again on a daily basis, and in the eyes of the public Gordon's successor will be irreparably tainted by association. After a few years of lying low, Gordon will be able to launch a media blitz telling everyone how he never liked that ferret-faced power junkie Blair in the first place, forcing a leadership election which could well put him back in the driving seat just in time for the next general election."

"Welcome to the surreal world of post-modern politics," he added. "Imagine a boot stamping on your face, forever."

Monday, 26 October 2009

Poll Says 22% Of British Public Would Vote For Karadzic

An unquestionably reliable survey conducted by reputable online pollsters YouWot shows that a full 22% of 50 bored middle-class British teens with nothing better to do than tick boxes on an annoying pop-up would 'seriously consider' voting for the mass-murdering Bosnian war criminal Radovan Karadzic, following his much-publicised non-appearance on Question Crime today.

Speaking after his controversial non-appearance was broadcast, Mr Karadzic complained that the much-hyped trial was "more like a witch-hunt" and that the prosecuting lawyers were completely biased against him.

"I rilly like sort of wanted to hear him explain his views in his own words?" said a disappointed Josh Geake, 14. "But it was like he couldn't get a word in edgeways, what with not being there sort of thing? It wasn't fair - it was like all the prosecutors rilly had it in for him from the start? Like they'd already made up their minds sort of thing? I kind of feel a bit sorry for him rilly, y'know?"

"All I like know about Radical Wotsisname is like what other people say he says, yeah?" agreed Emily Pratt, 16. "Everyone's like, 'He wanted to get rid of the Muslims out of Bosnia right?' and I'm like, 'Yeah but like that was like a rilly rilly long time ago but I want to hear what he thinks now right?' and it's like he so wants to speak for himself and stuff and it's like rilly unfair on him?"

The International Criminal Tribunal is facing mounting criticism for its handling of Mr Karadzic's case, with many newspapers suggesting that the entire show trial was biased in focusing entirely on him and his campaign of ethnic cleansing which led to the slaughter of 8,000 Bosniaks, yet totally ignoring other key topical issues of the day - such as the X Factor vote shock and Andrew Lloyd Webber having cancer.

"I think right yeah that the witnesses ought to be on trial too, cos like that would be loads fairer?" said Liam Hacker, 15. "All he wanted to do was crack down on the number of Muslims in his country, yeah? Which like I can totally understand? I'm like so not a racist, though."

"If it wasn't for the British government like totally denying me my human rights cos they say I'm like 'not old enough to make a rational judgment' yeah right - which is like rilly patronising and unfair yeah - I reckon I might vote for him? Just for a laugh like?" he explained. "I mean he can't be any worse than like Cameron and Brown and the other one, can he?"

"And his hair's just like rilly wild, too?" he added.

Seven-Year-Olds Encouraged To Make Wage-Slavery Choices

Children aged five may be too young to be expected to read, but seven is the perfect age to make informed career choices that will dictate the rest of their lives, according to the government.

In a trial scheme to be rolled out in employment goldmines such as Coventry, Gateshead, Manchester and Plymouth, seven-year-olds will be given jobs advice and shown the meteoric career trajectories they can expect to follow - provided that they try really hard to remember what the letter that looks like a little bridge with a chimney next to it is called.

"For reasons unknown, chavlets living in inner-city areas have unrealistically low expectations regarding what they can hope to achieve in life," said a spokesman for the Department for Children, Schools and Extended Quasi-Family Units. "Many of them are already starting to aspire to their parents' chosen paths - but, sadly, not everyone in this world gets to be a repeat offender, or a volunteer in the sex industry."

The department is keen to emphasise that the scheme is not about making children decide what they want to be, but showing them what is possible if they study really hard and go to university.

"Regardless of your background, if you set your sights high enough there's nothing to stop any child from pursuing the graduate route into a glittering world of flipping burgers, showing shoppers how to use an automatic checkout and fast-talking pensioners into replacing their perfectly adequate double glazing," Schools Secretary Ed Balls told a group of schoolchildren in Manchester, as they learned how to strip a Smith and Wesson.

"If you really put your little hearts into it," he promised, "There's no reason why you too shouldn't enjoy a lifetime of earning huge sums of money to pay off your student debts."

Sunday, 25 October 2009

Britain Falls Into Terrifying Time Warp Thing

A huge international aid effort has been launched in an attempt to relieve the appalling suffering of 61 million Britons, who woke up this morning to discover to their horror that their backward nation had fallen into some sort of time warp thing.

An ashen-faced Gordon Brown appealed for calm in an emergency broadcast, vainly attempting to reassure the panic-stricken population that the government was doing its utmost to restore order.

The disaster occurred at precisely 2am, when a lot of clocks, computers, mobile phones and digital TV recorders suddenly leapt an hour backwards in time. Worse was to come, however, as horrified members of the public investigating the unprecedented temporal phenomenon discovered that some clocks, most microwave ovens and many watches seemed to be completely unaffected - particularly old-fashioned ones with hands.

"It's almost like some bits of the fabric of reality have shifted into a different time, yeah, but others haven't?" wailed a traumatised clubber who had been clinging to a lamp-post for several hours. "A few hours ago, just before dawn like, I saw some bloke go into that church tower across the road, yeah, and all of a sudden like the minute hand started whizzing round backwards. In a few seconds, an hour of my life was sort of literally wiped out in front of my eyes. Fuck knows what would of happened if I'd been walking towards it. Now I'm too scared to move."

"I tell you this, man," added the fear-crazed wreck, "I ain't never doing crystal meth and Magners again, so long as I live."

Even more frighteningly, all UK-based broadcasts appeared to go back an hour in time, according to their time-checks - yet the shows were playing a completely different selection of music, compared to the previous hour.

"It's like it's not just that we've gone back in time - it's like we jumped into some weird alternative reality," gibbered a terrified citizen, staring in horror at his wristwatch. "But what really scares me is that all the programmes on my girlfriend's alarm clock radio keep telling us the new time, yet the LED still shows the old one. How can that be? Have I got older or younger? Oh, God in heaven help us."

Foreign countries have promised to send help to stricken Britain, but have so far been thwarted by the fact that the whole world seems to be split into different 'time zones'.

"A plane loaded with life-saving clocks could take off from New York at noon, yet when it arrived at Heathrow after a seven-hour flight, it would be eleven o'clock at night," said a spokesman for the United Nations Disaster Relief Office. "Is it fair to expect flight crews to sacrifice four hours from their lives on every single flight? That's a big ask."

Meanwhile, Britons are being urged to turn up for work at whatever they think is the usual time tomorrow, as the nation's leading boffins work round the clock to find a solution.

"I'm sure there must be a way to get things back to normal," promised Professor Stephen Hawking, who himself awoke to find he had been reset to the new time. "But it might take several months."