Joyful World Celebrates Casting of New Doctor Who

Months of tense waiting have finally ended, as the BBC revealed who has been cast in the most challenging role that the world of acting has to offer - the part of the eleventh Doctor Who.

"We were looking for a towering colossus of an actor," said Russell T Grant, the dramatic genius who brought the Doctor back to the screens of a grateful world. "A man, woman or small furry mammal who could not only remember their lines, but wear a costume."

"Doctor Who was first played by the brilliant William Hartnell, a man whose costume-wearing abilities were overshadowed only by his ability to look very old," explained the series' head writer, Little Miss Moffatt. "Then the brilliant Patrick Troughton overcame a slight difficulty with remembering his lines by wearing his costume with unsurpassed panache. The brilliant Jon Pertwee established the Doctor as a man of both well-remembered lines and superbly-worn costume. Only the brilliant Tom Baker could have stepped into his shoes, which he did brilliantly by a brilliant combination of costume-wearing and remembering lines.

"Next came the brilliant Peter Davison, who not only wore a costume while simulataneously remembering his lines but added an unique ability to wear a vegetable, Miss Moffatt droned on. "Then the brilliant Colin Baker slid brilliantly into the role, remembered his lines and wore a costume as only he can. Sylvester 'Mr Brilliant' McCoy experimented with wearing his lines and remembering his costume, but that was too much for the BBC under the evil Michael Grade, who caused mass suicides by cruelly cancelling the show. Fortunately, millions of lives were saved when one of the brilliant McGann brothers remembered his lines and wore a costume for over an hour."

"When I brilliantly revived the show," reminisced Russell T Harty, "It was a stroke of genius to cast the brilliant Christopher Ecclestone. He remembered so many lines while wearing his costume that he set a new benchmark - which made the brilliant David Tennent so much more brilliant for not only matching Christopher's brilliance in the costume-wearing department, but also remembering his lines in a foreign language, i.e. English."

"The actor hasn't been born who can fill David's brilliant shoes," added Miss Moffatt, over a plate of curds and whey. "That's why we've taken the daring risk of casting an unborn foetus as the eleventh Doctor. He will take the show in exciting new directions, and we hope that when he is finally born - some time around the end of his first season, possibly - he will deliver his lines and wear a costume in a completely different way whilst remaining essentially true to the spirit of the show, which is to fill an hour in the Saturday evening schedules."

In newspaper offices around the world, all other stories were cleared from the pages of Sunday's editions to break the momentous news to a waiting world. In the Middle East, the Israeli Air Force temporarily suspended its blitzing of the Gaza Strip in order to allow the Palestinians to celebrate the casting announcement. Meanwhile, Gordon Brown, Barack Obama and a tear-stained Robert Mugabe were among the first world leaders to offer their congratulations to the lucky foetus.

The embryonic young actor signalled his delight at being cast in the most demanding, yet coveted role in the history of the world by kicking inside his mummy's tummy and sticking his thumb in a partially-developed eye.

Government Must Court Ignorant Racist Vote, Urges Blears

Hazel Blears, the Communities and Local Government Secretary, has warned that the government may be losing support among the all-important white racist sector.

Ms Blears spoke out as her department published a report showing that ignorant scum on council estates were overwhelmed by a single-minded dread of being swamped in some way by a tidal wave of marauding wogs, darkies, pakis, spicks, chinks, dagoes and nubile young Lithuanians.

Interviews with ill-informed morons on estates in Birmingham, Milton Keynes, Runcorn, Thetford and Widnes revealed that many believe that it is easier for immigrants and single mothers to get a council house than for decent, hardworking white bigots. They also believe that the occupation of Iraq and Afghanistan has made the world a safer place, that England has the best football team in the world, and that Alexandra Burke has released the best single in the entire history of musical performance.

Ms Blears said that it was important to debate the neo-Nazi prejudices of the stupid as if they were a major issue of national importance, adding that people holding racist views were ripe for exploitation by the far right.

"If any cynical political opportunists are going to shamelessly exploit the blind prejudices of these toxic fascists," she said, "It should be the Labour Party."

Celebrity Sad Bugger Returns

The entire nation will be glued to its television sets for a week, eagerly hoping to get a glimpse of Ulrika Jonsson's withered teats and/or genital stretch-marks, as the much-missed Celebrity Sad Bugger returns to their screens.

Many viewers said that they are also keenly anticipating a hypocritical media frenzy of self-appointed political correctness when one of the washed-up nonentities inevitably tries to briefly raise their marketable value by calling Mini-Me a short-arsed twat. 

Where's Tony?

As Israel's cabinet pondered international calls for a ceasefire for a tense three seconds, before deciding to carry on turning the Gaza Strip into an elongated crater, concern was growing over the whereabouts of Middle East peace envoy Tony Blair.

"He gave an interview for our Haaretz newspaper a week ago, in which he trotted out the usual wishy-washy crap about 'wouldn't it be nice if everyone would just learn to get along'," laughed Israel's PM, Ehud Olmert, "But that was over the phone. We haven't actually seen him in ages. He's not going to be in the Gaza Strip, either. We told him back in July that it was a bit iffy - and if he was too timid to go there then, well, he's not very likely to be there now, is he?"

When asked if he had seen anything of Mr Blair recently, Palestinian National Authority President Mahmoud Abbas replied: "Who?"

Britain's Prime Minister Gordon Brown initially gave the same response. However, after being reminded that he served as Chancellor for ten years under Mr Blair, he grudgingly replied that he had heard nothing from him in months - adding that if he never heard from him again, he would be counting his blessings.

When the Pope was asked about Mr Blair - who converted to Catholicism after stepping down as Prime Minister - his press office issued a statement that His Holiness met many pilgrims while carrying out his duties and could not be expected to remember every individual whom he blessed. "Is he gay?" asked a papal nuncio.

Spokesmen from JP Morgan Chase and Zurich Financial Services confirmed that they had not heard from him since appointing him as a special advisor on globalisation. "We're beginning to wonder whether we should add Tony Blair to our long list of dodgy investments," said one.

Mr Blair's Faith Foundation, his Sport Foundation and Yale University - which gave him a visiting lectureship in faith and globalism - also admitted that there had been no contact with the former world statesman for some time.

Meanwhile, as Israeli bombs continued to rain down on Gaza, its beleaguered citizens issued a heartfelt plea to the elusive Peace Envoy: "Please, Mr Blair, won't you do for us what you did for the lucky people of Britain?"

Tits Out

An Australian MP is trying to introduce a private member's bill to ban topless sunbathing on the beaches of New South Wales. The Rev Fred Nile, a Christian Democrat in Australia's Upper House, told the Nev Filter:

"Strewth, mate, have you seen the baps on display on Sydney's beaches? Terrified youngsters, out for a day of innocent family fun building sandcastles on Bondi Beach run screaming at the horrifying sight of all those luscious... bouncing... nubile... firm... succulent... bronzed... perky... squeezable young breasts - excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom."

"It shouldn't be allowed," he added breathlessly, a few minutes later.

Most politicians in Canberra, however, poured cold water on Rev Nile's plans and added that they would be doing the same to Rev Nile himself if he started panting in the House.

New Year's Honours List In Full

Everyone you like from the telly has been knighted, as have a load of faceless suits you've never heard of. And some bloke down the road got an MBE.

Recession Definitely Caused By Jobless Scum

The unemployed have finally admitted that the current economic disaster is all their fault and nobody else's, after it was revealed in several tabloid papers that they are all raking in an absolute bloody fortune.

"Yeah, it's all thanks to us, innit?" confessed a typical bone-idle dosser as he climbed into his Aston Martin for his fortnightly visit to the Jobcentre. "I claim Jobseeker's Allowance and I get Housing and Council Tax Benefit, which gives me an income of, oh, about £12m every two weeks. Then there's the Child Benefit for the nipper -he's taken the helicopter to Eurodisney this week, with the live-in nanny - which is worth another £20,000 a week. On top of that I've got Big Car Benefit, Exotic Pet Allowance for the tiger and a low user rebate on the phone bill. I'm bloody quids in, mate."

"Listen, I'll tell you straight, sunshine - I wouldn't get out of bed for any job offer lower than director of a multi-national," he added. "Wouldn't be worth my while, see? OK, James, take me to the Taxpayers' Bank, there's a good chap - I've got to sign my name on the dotted line at 11.40 sharp. No rest for the wicked."

The decent, hardworking folk of England were outraged by the frank admission of responsibility from the unemployed, however.

"I knew it. I bloody knew it," said one estate agent in Islington. "Well, fuck 'em. They won't get any more sympathy and understanding from me, let me tell you. They ought to be bloody strung up, all of them."

He then shouted at his crying neighbour, who had just lost her job at Woolworths: "Oi, scrounger! Yes, you! Because of you, I'm going to have to spend my summer holiday trudging round the Lake District up to my arse in sheepshit, instead of sunning myself on the glorious beaches of Thailand. Happy now, you greedy, thieving cow? Well, are you? You deserve all that's coming to you. I hope Gordon Brown fucks up your life. You lazy, fiddling bitch."

Live Fast, Die Young

A report by the government's transport advisors has recommended that all cars be fitted with a speed-limiting device, claiming that the measure - if implemented - would cut road injuries by 29%.

The device, known as a 'copper', would be installed in the back seat of the car, and equipped with a 9mm handgun. If the driver were to exceed the speed limit of the road on which he was driving, the speed limiter would hit him over the head with the pistol and a voice would tell him: "Who do you think you are - Stirling Moss? You're nicked, sunshine."

However, campaign group Safe Speed has warned against the use of the device, saying that it might get carried away and empty the gun into the driver's head, just to be on the safe side.

The government says that no decision has been made on whether to implement the report, but it sounded like just the kind of nanny-state bullying that Gordon Brown would love.

'We Feel Much More Peaceful Now, Thanks,' Bomb-Dodging Palestinians Tell Israel

Palestinians living in the Gaza Strip are reported to be dancing in their ruined streets, as Israel continues to bring peace to the troubled region by carpet-bombing its towns.

So far, the Israeli Air Force has carried out demolition work on many military strongpoints - including the Interior Ministry, the Islamic University and police compounds - which have become obsolete symbols of hate in the climate of love and understanding which now prevails among the peace-loving Palestinian people.

Israeli ground forces are reported to be massing on the borders - leading to speculation that the armed forces are about to embark on a rapid goodwill tour of the shattered territory, distributing shells of peace and bullets of reconciliation among the enthusiastic populace.

The international community has been swift to respond to Israel's innovative peace gesture.

"I say," commented British Foreign Secretary Miliband One, while US President-Elect Barack Obama was seen to raise an eyebrow in a significant manner.

"Thank you, Israel, for bringing peace to the Middle East at last," rejoiced one maimed resident as he was pulled from the wreckage of his home. "How could we possibly continue to support these naughty, hot-headed militants who fire the occasional rocket into your illegal settlements, when you respond with such commendable restraint and tolerance?"

He was then dragged off to hospital on a donkey cart to have his crushed legs amputated without anaesthetic, thanks to Israel's compassionate blockading of fuel and medical supplies.

Soap Is Bad For You

Healthcare-for-the-rich provider BUPA has attacked soaps for their unrealistic depiction of unhealthy lifestyles, saying that TV companies "miss out health messages".

Top of their list was legendary chain-smoking Dot Cotton from EastEnders. According to BUPA, she ought to be coughing phlegm all over Albert Square's market stalls as she trundles past on her mobility scooter, with stumps where her legs used to be and her shrivelled, tar-dripping lungs dangling uselessly from her lips.

A more realistic portrayal of alcoholics like Emmerdale's Shadrach Dingle and Hollyoaks' Leo Valentine would see them taking ill-aimed swings at each other in the street, before falling arse over tit in the gutter and suffering multiple orifice evacuation, finally expelling their ruined livers and kidneys as their protesting digestive tracts finally shut down.

"As for the disgusting face-stuffers infesting our soaps - like Charlie Slater and pretty much every manky Northern gut-bucket in Coronation Street - they should be waddling around with buttons popping like bullets at every step, farting uncontrollably and spraying their disgusting sweat over everyone they meet, before keeling over with a coronary if they even catch sight of a staircase," said BUPA's assistant medical director, Dr Peter Mace.

"The next time anybody dies of something, their grieving family should sue these irresponsible producers," he continued, with froth foaming from his mouth. "They tell you that soaps are just escapist entertainment. I say they are nothing less than the vile propaganda of death. Switch off your television right now! Drop that rich tea biscuit! Don't do that! Whatever it is, stop it immediately, do you hear me? I hate you all and I want you to live!"

Men in white coats then surrounded him and hauled him away to have anger management forcibly inserted into the appropriate place.

Upbeat Brown Rouses Britain By Recalling Good Old Days Of Most Destructive Cataclysm Ever Inflicted Upon Mankind

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has outlined his vision for 2009, saying that the British people need to see the recession as a "test of character" and display the spirit of the Second World War.

"I am confident that we can steer Britain safely into the future by plunging headlong into the past," he told the nation on Sunday. "The next few years will see ruination visited upon our city centres, forced conscription for millions, the collapse of public services, vast numbers rendered homeless and many more of our troops lying dead and forgotten in far-flung corners of the world. But, I tell you, there is a ray of hope to sustain us through our dark ordeal. We have a great and powerful ally in the United States - which will not hesitate to come to our aid after it has brought us to the brink of national bankruptcy and then, when it's all over, present us with a truly colossal bill that will take half a century or more to repay."

When he was reminded that, in 1945, the country quickly and unceremoniously dumped its prime minister in favour of wholesale nationalisation, free healthcare for all, full grants for students and a raft of other socialist measures associated with a fairer society, Mr Brown raised two fingers in what may or may not have been a victory sign, and stamped out of the press briefing.

Evil Sorcerers Imbue Lennon Zombie With Travesty of Life

The lifeless corpse of former Beatle John Lennon has been dug up and reanimated by the sinister One Laptop Per Child Foundation, as part of an inhuman plot to transform an entire generation of African children into the call-centre slaves of the future.

Lennon's leathery cadaver - which is badly decomposed after 28 years in the grave - is being manipulated by malevolent sorcerers into urging the public to buy the brightly-coloured, but almost totally useless, £135 XO laptop for their children. For every cute-but-inadequate computer sold, another will be forced on an impoverished child in Africa.

The foul necromancers say their aim is to create a generation who have the barest level of computer literacy needed to perform simple, repetitive tasks for just enough of a pittance to keep them hovering indefinitely on the brink of starvation.

"Despite our best efforts, the average Indian's standard of living is rising steadily," hissed a serpent-like spokesman for the magicians' unholy cabal. "Soon they will be able to free themselves from the curse of stultifying wage-slavery. We have, however, discovered a huge, untapped stock of humans in Africa - and, as many of its nations offer the added bonus of being run by corrupt, easily-bought governments who care nothing for the lot of their people, these lost souls will be bound to us for the whole of their worthless lives. To get them used to the idea of serving the computer constantly, the human hatchlings will find that they must wind a handle constantly, just to supply it with electricity. Now begone with your insignificant questions, puny man-thing, lest you awaken our cosmic lord's insatiable thirst for blood-sacrifice."

The rotting, soulless Lennon-travesty is set to claw its way into the nation's homes this evening, when the stars are right, dully shrieking its sinister, but seductive, message: "Brains! Brains, brains, brains, brains, brains."