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It's in there somewhere

With two million public sector workers taking part in the biggest UK strike since 1926, the Catholic Church decided that today offered its best chance to let the public know how very, very sorry it is about all those kiddy-fiddling priests it sheltered for years.

“Obviously, today there’s really only one story happening, so I’m sure journalists will be grateful to have something else to report on such a slack news day,” said Philip Bréagadóir, the bishop of Dun Faoghlin. “We really, really want this report to get maximum coverage, to be sure.”

“We do, we do, we do, we do, we do,” he insisted.

Nice Middle Class Parents' Outrage At Being Treated With Same Suspicion As Council-Estate Scum

In the face of mounting public fury, Children's Secretary Ed Balls has moved quickly to defuse the row by offering to make a few meaningless cosmetic changes to the government's plans to label everyone in Britain a child-molesting pervert.

Parents who take part in voluntary lift-share schemes to save their poor little darlings from falling into the clutches of the armies of raincoat-clad weirdos who infest school buses and pavements expressed outrage when the government announced that they would all have to submit to a Criminal Records Bureau check, which would label them either as convicted kiddie-fondlers or potential kiddie-fondlers who just haven't been caught yet.

"How dare the government call me a paedophile!" screamed a respectable middle-class mum from the window of her Espace as she dropped her respectable middle-class daughter off at a middle-class school in Surrey which performs very respectably in the league tables. "Everybody knows that paedophiles live on benefits on inner-city sink estates in the North of England. Why don't they just round them all up and sterilise them?"

Mr Balls, however, told reporters that he was ordering a review into the Vetting and Barring Scheme, to see if there was a way of excluding nice people from its remit.

"I can't give you any specifics at present," said the sweating Balls, "But one option we're examining is a Newsagent Check. It seems to me that anyone who takes the Mail or the Express on a regular basis is obviously a normal, well-balanced individual who poses no risk at all to society."

Did Self-Deluding Chavettes Abduct Maddy?

Police have arrested hundreds of thousands of female chavs, after the Madeleine McCann hotline was swamped by calls about women who looked slightly like Posh Spice, but a bit fatter.

Private investigators working for Maddy's family yesterday released an e-fit image of a woman who might bear a fleeting resemblance to Victoria Beckham if you were desperate for a quickie out by the wheely bins after ten pints in a crappy nightclub. From early this morning, the helpline was besieged by thick-headed men worried that they may just have woken up with a snoring, psychopathic child-abductor.

All police leave was immediately cancelled, and every single officer in the country was soon taking part in an unprecedented volume of doorstep raids all over the country.

"Now I'm soberin' up like, I'm like finkin' wot a narrow 'scape I must of had, jenotameen?" said a sunken-eyed Cody-Lee Scowser, as he ruefully surveyed the splintered remains of his front door. "I woke up bustin' for a piss, yeah, turned on the telly and saw this photo wot sorta looked like wot were lyin' nex to me, innit, only not so porky jenotameen?"

"Then right, when they said she might of bin Australian, I wuz like 'ang on, this munter torked like everyfin' wuz a question, right?" he continued. "So I'm like, 'omifuckengod I bin shaggin' a peedo innit', an' I grabs me moby an' ring the numba while I wuz like avin' a slash, jenotameen? Nex fing y'know, the coppas wuz like bashin' the door dan, innit?"

"Now me cock's itchin' sumfin chronic?" he added. "Joo reckon I mite of cort swine flu off of 'er? Woteva."

Cody-Lee's story was echoed across the high-rises and sink estates of Britain today, with fields commandeered as emergency holding pens filled with grim-faced orange trolls of all sizes, shapes and levels of self-delusion.

"It may take some time to sift through almost a million suspects," admitted DCI Savage, the officer in charge of Operation Posh. "But we'll find this child-abducting lowlife eventually. Unless, of course, she was on the rag last night and stayed in. But she'll be spotted eventually."

Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, the real Posh is reported to have been dragged from the Becks' luxury mansion and torn limb from limb by an enraged vigilante mob of holidaying Brits.

Celebrity Paedophiles Pay Tribute To Wackson

Leading child-molesters from the world of showbiz have been paying tribute to Mackson Wackson.

"Along with a string of 70s chart successes, I also shared Wackson's harmless hobby of snuggling up in bed with a warm little poor boy," said noted kiddie-porn connoisseur Gary Glitter. "But he had some undefinable quality which enabled him to convince his fans that it was somehow all the fault of his victims and their evil, scheming parents. You just can't buy support like that, even by claiming mental illness - and God knows, I've tried."

"I deeply regret that I never fully appreciated Mackson Wackson's message while he was alive," said convicted teen-fondler Jonathan King. "If only I'd had the foresight to post an enormous cheque to my victims, instead of whining about the age of consent laws, maybe they too would have withdrawn their statements and I would have got away scot-free. Because I didn't appreciate his talent for buying himself out of trouble, I spent four very unpleasant years in a Category C prison. My arsehole still twitches with fright every time I take a shower."

Evil Pervert Rolf Harris Still At Large

The world's most evil man, Rolf Harris, is trying to evade lynch justice at the hands of right-thinking people by disguising himself as pop legend Gary Glitter, according to the News of the World.

Harris, an unrepentant pet-molester who rose to fame in the sixties, is revealed in the respected paper to be a sad, lonely figure, with a sinister goatee beard and a sick, perverted mop of greying hair who mocks public censure by cynically continuing to eat, drink and breathe.

The sicko pervert began his assault on decency by shamelessly singing about two little boys playing with each other on a battlefield. He then appeared on the nation's TV screens, painting suggestively in front of innocent little children on a huge canvas. He was also notorious for frequenting swimming pools full of children - with a camera crew, which he used to record his vile exploits - where he got his disgusting kicks by inviting unsuspecting youngsters to jump on him.

Evil Harris then changed his tactics, preying instead on vulnerable young people whose rabbits were ill, sidling up to them in veterinary surgeons' waiting rooms and worming his wicked way into the tearful kids' confidence by professing deep sympathy for their pets' plight.

In the 1990s the monster reinvented himself yet again, releasing a string of cover versions calculated to appeal to preteens, such as Stairway to Heaven. Harris was frequently to be found in students' unions up and down the country, parading himself shamelessly in front of children as young as 18.

"Make no mistake, Rolf Harris is the biggest threat to children the world has ever seen," said an editorial in the News of the World written in vivid red crayon. "We urge our highly-intelligent readers to gather up firewood, hunt down this pathetic creature and burn him alive - preferably recording his agonised screams with a decent-quality camcorder although mobile phone footage will do at a pinch. We will then use it to sell more papers before handing it over to the police, prior to running a sensational feature on morons taking the law into their own hands."

Britain Reported Lost in Moral Maze

The tabloid press was today diagnosed as suffering from acute schizophrenia, in the wake of the savage torture and murder of a convicted child sex offender by a vicious mob of moral paragons.

Readers were left stunned and confused, as odd-numbered pages condemned the brutal lynching, whilst pages on the left continued to whip up their raging paedo-frenzy.

"I don't understand," said one slack-jawed Sun reader. "For years I've been led to believe that we need to bring back the death sentence to deal with these sick perverts, and they want to have their goolies cut off. Some bunch of decent, public-spirited vigilantes have done the coppers' jobs for them - i.e. cut this bugger's goolies off and topped him - and now the papers are calling them a baying mob of murdering thugs. I don't get it. My moral compass is all over the place. Somebody, please, tell me what to think."

More blindly self-righteous members of the public were unmoved, however.

"The law in this country's a sick joke these days, innit?" snarled one concerned parent. "If they get nicked, these heroes - these saints what's walkin' among us! - are looking at twelve years minimum. Twelve bleedin' years! They ought to give 'em all bloody knighthoods! I hope they all went straight back home after, all covered in perv blood, and told their little angels what they done on their behalf! They done 'em proud, if you ask me. Gawd bless 'em! Makes me proud to be British."

"Know what I think?" she went on. "We ought to abolish the police and the courts - cos they're a joke, right - and take the law into our own hands. There's single mums on benefits just down the road, living the life of Riley and laughing at the likes of decent, hard-working folk like you and me, and it really pisses me off. I'd sew their fannies up, I would straight. That'd stop their little game. Same with the unemployed, the lazy buggers. I'd round them all up, hand them a shovel each, force them to dig a bloody great hole, then shoot them all. Except for me dad of course, it's not his fault he's got stress and a bad back, is it?"

"As for them Muslims," she added, "Don't get me started."

"We're currently at an early stage in our enquiries, and are keeping an open mind about the circumstances of this man's death," commented DCI Nick Gent of the Metropolitan Police. "It could be a particularly vigorous form of suicide, for example, or maybe Mr Cunningham could have tripped over and fallen into a large box of knives - possibly twenty or thirty times."

Tender Teen Minds Ripped to Shreds By Obscure Glitter GCSE Footnote

Thousands of GCSE Music pupils traumatised senseless by the loathsome paedovore Gary Glitter have been shut in rooms with trained counsellors and urged to talk about their sense of sexual violation, after it was revealed that the AQA exam board had stupidly placed his 70s hit ‘I’m the Leader of the Gang (I Am)’  on a list of ‘related listening‘.

A sharp-eyed headmaster in Windsor fainted dead away when he saw the evil glam-perv’s name on an exam paper, and after a sharp tot of brandy contacted the exam board to demand the withdrawal of the paper. He was initially told it was too late to do anything, but after contacting the Sun and getting the story splashed all over the front page he later heard that AQA had somehow found the time after all and pulled the paper.

“Boys and girls of 15 or 16 who select this song will go straight to the internet to find Glitter’s music,” he shuddered. “I dread to think what they may find searching online for him. Who knows what disgusting predatory messages lie concealed in the warped lyrics of ‘Rock and Roll Part 2’?”

The Sun’s education correspondent, Kelli (18) and her fantastic 36D knockers commented: “Tits. Tits, tits, tits, tits, tits tits tits tits titstitstitstitstitstitstitstitsTITS.”

“Tits,” she added.