Theresa May Urges Citizen Army To Repel Greek Hordes

The time for appeasement is over, says Mrs May

A cigar clenched in her mouth and flicking V-signs in the direction of Europe, home secretary Theresa May today delivered a stirring call to arms to the imperilled people of Britain - inviting them to sign up for the ‘Home Guard’ and defend Britain’s shores against imminent Greek invasion.

“Even though large tracts of Europe and many old and famous states have fallen or may fall into the grip of depressed euros and all the odious apparatus of fiscal rules, we shall not flag or fail,” Mrs May told a cheering Daily Telegraph. “We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight Greeks on the beaches, we shall fight Greeks on the landing grounds, we shall fight Greeks in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight Greeks in the hills; we shall never surrender.”

All over Britain, Mrs May’s incompetent but mustard-keen supporters took time out from marching round in circles, manning the barricades and muttering about fuzzy-wuzzies to sew inspiring new ‘Home Guard’ patches over their much-ridiculed ‘EDL’ armbands.

When reminded that the Conservatives had, in fact, surrendered the nation’s borders in 1973, Mrs May retorted that this was not their finest hour.

Greeks To Be Asked If They Fancy Pay Cuts, Slashed Pensions And Mass Redundancies

The bankruptcy of the eurozone now looks certain, with the announcement that Greek PM George Papandreou plans to ask his people whether they like the sound of losing their public services, their pay, their pensions and their jobs.

A typical Greek floating voter wonders where to cast his vote

“What is fuss about, please? Typical Greek men in streets sure to be admirably sanguine about very important issue, and to put greater good of economic survival of European neighbours before own personal finances,” said a cheerful Mr Papandreou as hordes of furious rioters set about systematically burning Athens to the ground, in the traditional Greek way of voting.

Meanwhile, on the borders of Greece, a small army of worried eurocrats is frantically excavating a vast trench linking the Ionian and Aegean Seas, hoping to open the floodgates at each end and claim that Greece is not really a European country at all, but part and parcel of the Middle East.

Never Mind Us, Demands Man In Pub, Let’s All Have A Referendum On Greece’s Membership Of The EU

A man in a pub today pointed out that all of the world’s fiscal woes would be solved overnight if, instead of cheerily flushing untold billions down the Greek toilet, the rest of the EU simply kicked it out of Europe and left it to implode by itself.

Greece

“Look at Zorba and his bone-idle mates, all kicking off about losing their precious 10-hour week and retiring at 21 to spend the rest of their lives drinking raki and poking their livestock,” he pointed out. “Well, if that’s what they want, they can bloody pay for it themselves, not me.”

“It’s like you’re sitting in a bunker minding your own business, and some mad bastard suddenly jumps up, grabs a hand grenade, pulls out the pin and swallows it,” he explained in layman’s terms. “Do you all pull the pins out of your own hand grenades to replace it? Course you don’t - you bundle the silly bugger out, hand grenade and all, and slam the armour-plated door in his face, don’t you?”

“I haven’t got a clue about the rights and wrongs of UK membership, if I’m honest,” he went on, drawing inspiration from another pint of bitter. “I mean, obviously the rest of Europe is full of bloody thieving foreigners who just don’t seem to understand that we single-handedly beat them all hands-down in 1945. But on the other hand, Rupert Murdoch absolutely hates the EU. So it might have something going for it after all, right?”

David Cameron, Ed Miliband and Nick Clegg later pointed to the man in the pub as the main reason why the public should, on no account, ever be entrusted with the hand grenade of a referendum.

Greek Citizens Not Entirely Pleased By Prospect Of Lifelong Penury

Calm down now, chaps, it's for your own good you know

The people of Greece are reacting somewhat churlishly to the financial world’s generous offer of pinning a lifetime of crushing poverty on them in return for the noble goal of saving the eurozone from imminent meltdown, warn Europe’s leading economists, as they give vent to an unwarranted level of ingratitude by laying waste the central business district of Athens.

“What these bumptious goatshaggers need to understand is that the euro is the crowning glory of two-and-a-half thousand years of European civilisation, which of course began in their very own back yard,” said a spokesman for the International Monetary Fund. “Even if it has largely left them behind for the last two thousand or so. They should be bloody proud of the euro, and see it as a privilege to abandon their entirely unreasonable pipe-dreams of prosperity to ensure its continued existence.”

British Tut As Excitable Foreigners Get All Hot And Bothered Over Something Or Other

As furious Greeks virtually shut down their country in protest at swingeing cuts, the sanguine British public shook their heads disdainfully and cracked open another can of Tesco Value beer-style drink.

"Typical bloody lefty strikers," said Andrew Mann, as he trudged towards the call centre where he will spend the next twelve hours fast-talking pensioners into replacing the double glazing they bought last year. "Couldn't give a toss about the inconvenience to Joe Public. Join a trade union? - I'd rather die."

Sammi-Jo Bloggs, a passing shelf-stacker on her way to fill Tesco with more cheap booze and expensive bread, echoed her agreement: "Bleedin' trots yeah, holdin' the country to ransom yeah? I reckon right iss all that 'ot weva, goes to their 'eds innit? Fank fuck it cooden 'appen 'ere like innit right jenotameen?"

To the chagrin of their government, as yet the overexcited and unmistakeably foreign inhabitants of Greece show no signs of sinking apathetically into their sofas and allowing their anger at being forced by the IMF and Europe to bear the brunt of their national economic meltdown to be harmlessly dissipated by an alcohol-assisted saturation diet of Corinthian Street, CreteEnders or The Chi Factor.

"If the British public vote us in, they will be giving us a clear mandate to squeeze them until they bleed money from every pore," beamed Tory shadow chancellor George Osborne, refuting Lib Dem leader and ghastly foreigner Nick Clegg's earlier claim that massive cuts could lead to similar mass protests on the streets of Britain. "So that's all right then."

British Raise Eyebrow at Volatile Antics of Excitable Foreigners

The great British public were moved today to raise a collective eyebrow at continuing scenes of anti-police rioting in Greece - now in their third day - following the shooting of teenager Alexandros Andreas Grigoropoulos on Saturday.

Despite the arrest of two police officers - who had claimed that they only fired warning shots - over the shooting, the hot-headed protests show no sign of abating.

All over Britain, viewers were tutting in disapproval at their televisions at the embarrassing public displays of emotion by rioting Greek anarchists.

“We really don’t go in for that kind of thing over here, you know,” said Acting Chief Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson of the Metropolitan Police. “Look at what happened when our boys shot that Brazilian chap: absolutely bugger all. And he wasn’t chucking rocks, either - he was just minding his own business. Any other country in the world, you’d have had riots in the streets, and the officers concerned would be hung out to dry by the courts. Thank God for the legendary phlegmatic national character of the typical Brit.”

Sir Paul was interrupted, however, by the news that a group of protesters in London was attempting to storm the Greek embassy.

“Right lads, time to unwrap the Tasers,” he announced. “Let’s see how they protest when they’re shitting themselves with 10,000 volts up the arse. Everyone got their headcams? This’ll look bloody hilarious on YouTube.”