Saturday, 7 May 2011

Dr Who Arrested As A Counter-Revolutionary

A familiar face will be teaching the Doctor all about The Long March
Veteran time-traveller and enemy of the revolution Dr Who has been detained by the People’s Republic of China for three months, during which he will be forcibly re-educated, announced officials at China’s state TV regulator. The Time Lord’s TARDIS has been impounded by the state and will not be returned on his release, he confirmed, adding that the Doctor’s future travel requirements would be accommodated by a standard-issue bicycle.

“Time travel is not mentioned at all in the writings of Karl Marx or Chairman Mao, and is therefore counter-revolutionary,” explained Ouyang Lina of Oriental TV. “Overseas operatives swooped on this notorious enemy of the state last week, after assassinating his former lackey Sarah Jane Smith, met police detectives on arrival in China and took him to a re-education centre – where they were all detained together, as the glorious people’s government has also designated spies and crime investigators as capitalist running-dogs.”

The Doctor’s friends, a Mr & Mrs Williams of Leadworth, are understood to have travelled to America in the hope of persuading Dr Sam Beckett to come out of retirement and bounce around history at random until he finally arrives in China in the present, where they hope he will formulate some crazy ad-hoc escape plan with the aid of his best friend, a hologram.

Meanwhile, worried leaders of Earth’s other governments have sent a radio message into space, declaring the planet to be under strict quarantine following a terrifying outbreak of the space runs.

Friday, 6 May 2011

Daily Mail Readers Always Knew That Bodily Functions Were Awful

Long-term readers of the Daily Mail today sniffed disdainfully at new research which indicates that death invariably results from fucking, shitting, exercise, blowing your nose and drinking anything stronger than cabbage water - saying that they could have told you that, if anybody had bothered to ask them for their opinions.

This Mail reader is 137, and full of it
According to Dutch researchers, all of the above greatly increase the risk of a stroke - especially if the monstrous Satan juice found in Coke and coffee is mixed up in it somewhere.

“I’ve never defecated in all my born days,” snorted Emily Weill, a twisted old spinster from Hastings. “The very thought! On the rare occasions when I feel the pressure building against my sphincter, I simply read that nice Richard Littlejohn’s latest wise words on the darkie threat and I’m as right as rain again.”

When asked about sex, Miss Weill rang the police.

Meanwhile, coroners have confirmed that, when a Daily Mail reader finally succumbs to the permanent state of towering anger which dominates their every waking moment, autopsies show that their internal organs and skeletons always turn out to have withered away and been replaced by impacted crap, which has slowly been fossilised by decades of intense pressure.

“The only certain way to live to a ripe old age,” explained top rentapathologist Dr Freddy Patel, ”Is to rigorously spurn everything that makes life bearable, and exist solely on a joyless diet of 100% unadulterated bile made from Melanie Philips, Jan Moir, Richard Littlejohn, Quentin Letts and other certified animals culled from Britain’s finest free-range funny farms.”

Meanwhile, fevered Mail hacks were already hard at work on their next health shocker, hastily manufacturing spurious evidence that shit is, in fact, very good for you if consumed on a Maily basis.

Cameron Says Coalition Will Carry On Working Just Fine

The prime minister is very keen to support Mr Clegg
Safely shielded behind the ragged, bullet-riddled corpse of Nick Clegg, a jubilant prime minister David Cameron told reporters today that, although yesterday’s voting had proved to be catastrophic for the Liberal Democrats, nevertheless he was absolutely certain that their coalition partnership with the Tories would last the full parliamentary term and possibly beyond.

“It’s not surprising that Nick’s feeling a little vulnerable right now,” conceded a smiling Mr Cameron, as blood spurted vigorously from the deputy PM’s lolling head, “But I’m sure that, once the dust settles, we can either stitch him up again or come to some arrangement with his successor.”

Analysts predict that, even in a worst-case scenario where any remaining LibDem MPs have learned to give Mr Cameron a wide berth, he will probably be able to tempt Ed Miliband into forming a new coalition by promising faithfully to put Labour first.

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Obama Suddenly Realises Futility Of Arguing With Woo Community

Obama's State-Of-You address - fuck off, come back and fuck off again
President Obama has sensationally refused to publish photographs of a Middle Eastern man with a head like a colander, after it belatedly dawned on him that he was getting into one of those never-ending arguments with an army of conspiracy addicts for whom no amount of factual evidence will ever constitute absolute proof.

“You know what? Fuck it,” the president told reporters at a special White House briefing. “We could be arguing pointlessly for years, and I really have got better things to do. So I’m not going to bother publishing a load of grainy pictures of some guy nobody’s seen for a decade with his brain decorating the walls, any more than I’m going to hold a fucking séance to ask him to name his favourite teacher. You can believe Bin Laden is dead, or you can believe that marmalade is made by pixies for all it changes anything. Because I really don’t give a shit.”

“End of,” he added emphatically. “Have a nice life, losers.”

The internet was instantly abuzz with jubilant claims that the president’s refusal to continue an unwinnable argument proved beyond a shadow of doubt that Osama Bin Laden was still very much alive and kicking, apart from the small matter of his deaths in 2003 and 2007.

Donald Trump, meanwhile, responded swiftly by demanding the release of Bin Laden’s death certificate.

Voters Struggling To Care Two Hoots About Referendum

God, the tension
With polling stations opening tomorrow, both sides of the AV referendum have pulled out all the stops in trying to convince the electorate that changing the First Past The Post system to something not exactly a million miles from the First Past The Post system in some way represents the most momentous decision that the British public will ever have to take.

PM David Cameron and Labour head boy Ed Miliband struggled manfully in the House of Commons to make their tedious sparring seem like the ultimate, apocalyptic battle between good and evil.

Meanwhile, MPs of all parties kept unhelpfully diverting the attention of anyone bored enough to actually watch BBC Parliament with trivial tittle-tattle like tuition fees, cuts to police numbers and some tosh about council elections, as if they mattered in some way to voters.

On the eve of the election, the social networking sites are alive with vitriolic arguments as families and friends are brutally torn asunder by the vexed issue of whether the Alternate Vote will truly put the people in charge of parliament at last, or just lead confused voters to commit mass suicide in the polling booths as they struggle to fathom whether their vote somehow expands to infinity if a candidate they gave marks to gets divided by zero when they are eliminated.

Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Evil Terrorists Nearly Killed Millions With Deadly Photos Of Sellafield, Claim Police

Run like fuck
Five Asians (read: Fanatical Islamic Terrorists) on holiday in the Lake District came perilously close to killing every living thing in the United Kingdom, claim vigilant police officers who swooped when they saw the desperate, hate-filled terrorists clearly pointing cameras in the general direction of the giant Sellafield nuclear reprocessing facility which dominates the landscape.

“We could tell them wun’t from round ‘ere, ‘cos ‘appen we’re related to all t’folks round ‘ere,” explained eagle-eyed PC Bob Cumberland, the Cumbria force’s anti-terrorist squad. “Them looks aal foony an’ foreign. Turns out all o’ them coom oop from soom town folks call ‘London’. Me an’ t’wife’s uncle, ‘e says ‘tis fair crawling wi’ them Muslim fundimentals, like.”

The five – who have no links whatsoever to Osama Bin Laden, but it’s important to shoehorn his name in here somewhere – have been handed over to Greater Manchester Police, who are confident they will beat some satisfactory lies out of them.

Blofeld ‘Quiet Chap Who Kept Himself To Himself’, Say Astonished Neighbours

The people who lived next to Ernst Stavro Blofeld for years today told the world’s media that the evil genius was a quiet loner whom none of them would ever have believed capable of using a giant circular saw on a British secret agent.

“You’d occasionally see him going to the shop first thing in the morning to get a paper, but he wasn’t really much of a one for socialising and whatnot,” said the lady across the road. “Fancy him having a tank full of piranhas concealed beneath a trapdoor in the living room! It makes you think, doesn’t it?”

Well I never
His next-door neighbour says the only time he ever heard anything unusual coming from Mr Blofeld’s fortified house was the occasional cackle, usually followed by a splash and a brief threshing of water.

“I thought he just liked to cool his feet in an inflatable paddling pool from time to time,” explained the amazed neighbour, a high-ranking officer in Pakistan’s army. “But it seems he had a small lake filled with ravenous man-eating sharks in his back garden all this time, and nobody suspected a thing. Perhaps I might have seen it over the garden wall if I ever went upstairs, but strangely enough I never do.”

Residents did say that large items of furniture would sometimes be delivered in the middle of the night to the Blofeld compound, such as an enormous glass table with a map of the United States and several flashing lights, a 28m TV screen and a huge rocket launch tower, but added that in Pakistan’s top military city this hardly counted as unusual behaviour.

Monday, 2 May 2011

Pope To Beatify Self Next

'Tis Jesus' special water, so
Having sent his predecessor on the way to sainthood with a quick bit of beatifying, Pope Benedict XVI told cheering crowds that he was already sifting through the many miracles he has performed, with a view to becoming the Catholic church’s first living saint.

Pope George Ringo II’s beatification was made possible thanks to his remarkable act of curing Sister Marie Simon-Pierre of the DTs by swallowing the key to her convent’s drinks cabinet. The steady-handed nun was on the balcony in St Peter’s Square with His Holiness this morning, telling the throng: “To be sure, ‘tis a miracle. That feckin’ Polish bastard did cure me o’ the drink, so he did aye.”

Also benefiting from Pope Benedict’s largesse was Father - now Saint - Jack of Craggy Island, who amazed clerics and doctors alike by drinking silver polish for years without any ill effect, before being carried aloft into God’s welcoming arms on the wings of an almighty fart.

But the uncritical flock crowding the Vatican demanded more, until the Pope finally announced that anyone with a bona fide miracle, no matter how tenuously they might link it to him, should speak to Father Credulus in the ticket booth after the service.

Bin Laden Felled By ‘Enery’s ‘Ammer

Evil genius Osama Bin Laden was taken down by the famous left hook of British boxing legend Henry Cooper in a precision assault planned by top military expert Richard Holmes and co-ordinated by whispering snooker commentator Ted Lowe, it emerged today.

Prof Holmes first applied his encyclopaedic knowledge of military campaigns to the mystery of Bin laden’s whereabouts, deploying foraging Pakistanis ahead of his main force in an ingenious adaptation of 19th century US cavalry tactics. Once his native scouts tracked down the terrorist mastermind, the Sandhurst and Cranfield lecturer deployed snooker’s ‘Whispering Ted’ to a forward observation post to quietly radio back Bin Laden’s movements.

'For those who see things in black and white, everything's gone green'
The moment Bin Laden stepped out of the house to hang out the washing, Prof Holmes gave the order for ‘our ‘Enery’ to be airdropped directly onto the specified co-ordinates, delivering a flurry of blows to the bearded criminal mastermind head and upper body. In desperation the Saudi-born villain hurled his dialysis machine at the gentleman of the ring, but the shrewd historian saw the opportunity to deploy ‘‘Enery’s ‘ammer’ with killing force while Bin Laden was off-balance, knocking the frail al-Qaeda leader’s battered head clean off his scrawny pencil neck.

“As students of Operation Fortitude - the allied plan to deceive Hitler into thinking that the D-Day landings would take place in the Pas de Calais area - will know, disinformation is an invaluable tool in times of war,” a dusty but elated Professor Holmes told reporters. “Carefully-timed news announcements of our supposed deaths led Obama to the fatally flawed conclusion that the deadly combination of my generalship, Ted’s finely-honed observational skills and Henry Cooper’s jackhammer left hook were no longer a viable threat. He lowered his guard, we struck and the forces of evil were defeated at minimal cost to allied lives.”

“”Students of military history will be scrutinising this victory for years to come,” he concluded, “As I plan to include it in Module 203: ‘From Troy To Terrorist: The Great Deception Strategies’ - coming soon to BBC4.”

Sunday, 1 May 2011

Sunday Supplement: Those Beautiful People In Full

The Nev Filter Fashion Guide To What You'll Be Wearing To This Summer's Dinner Parties

Kate: A 
The soon-to-be Duchess of Great Yarmouth, Countess of Transylvania and Baroness Cludgie amazed and delighted friends, family, royals and a third of the entire adoring population of planet Earth by daringly opting for a bridal gown, in white, with matching accessories!

It's a difficult look to carry off at a wedding - especially after nine years of shagging! - but Kate daringly risked all and came through smiling, with not the slightest whiff of disapproval from BBC head serf Huw Edwards! 

Wills: B+
The dashing, handsome and altogether fab Prince William eschewed the dreary blue serge of a Flight Lieutenant's uniform which he is actually entitled to wear, selecting instead from his dad's extensive dressing-up box the ceremonial dress uniform and medals of General Kitchener.

Princess Beatrice: D-
Well, what can you do when your tainted DNA saddles you with your father's chin and your mother's flab? Vivienne Westwood definitely drew the short straw here, and she can't be blamed if the lumpy clod doesn't know how to accessorise properly. The zinc tub (lavishly galvanized by Robinson Pelham of London)  goes over the head, dear!

Princess Eugenie: F
Proof, alas, that the gravity-defying foreheadgear of Philip Treacle is not for everyone. Eugenie's noisomely octopoid appearance sent young bridesmaids and old sea-salts alike screaming for their mummies when she flapped and clawed her way out of the car!

In this case, the stars are definitely wrong!

Queen Elizabeth II: B
Her Majesty is no stranger to weddings, having had one herself, and her chosen cylinder of fabric for the momentous occasion of her grandson and heir's nuptials was in a fetching shade of lemon-fresh yellow she first saw when a three-year-old Prince William once fished a freshener cube out of the servants' urinals at Balmoral and playfully hid it in her handbag.

And they say our Queen has no sense of humour! God bless you, Ma'am, you're a card and no mistake!

Mrs Victoria Beckham of that ilk: B+
It's always difficult to be the acme of haute couture when you're saddled with a baby bump the size of one of the radomes at Fylingdales, but naturally the former Posh Spice was born knowing that black always flatters! A Philip Treacle pasty stapled to her frontispiece topped off the ensemble, naturally.

Miss Tara Palmer-Tomkinson of It: A-
Not content to rest on her laurels with a brand new nose specially crafted for the occasion by top Harley Street surgeons, T-P-T proved herself once again to be the socialite's socialite by arriving in an arresting blue off-the shoulder foreskin. What could be a more subtle reminder to the royal couple and their guests of the billions of loyal subjects drooling over their televisions beyond the hallowed walls of Westminster Abbey?

Dame Elton John: C+
Only Dame Elton could successfully add a touch of the bohemian to formal wear, and indeed the venerable entertainer and purveyor of CDs to the prince's late mother lightened the solemnity of the service with his wild hair - and, thankfully, by refraining from trotting out some hastily-rewritten song from Honky Chateau!