Saturday, 11 April 2009

You Read It Here First

Sensitive government e-mails are tumbling into the blogosphere, according to claims made in the Nev Filter blog, following a red-faced apology from 10 Downing Street after an email from Gordon Brown's former press officer - proposing a slur campaign against senior Conservatives - found its way into the hands of Paul Staines, the writer of the Guido Fawkes political blog.

"I can confirm that the Nev Filter has come into possession of an email circulated by Gordon Brown to Britain's senior police officers," said Nev today. "It suggests that Gordon is more than a little pissed off with the media banging on about the recession day in, day out and drops heavy hints to the effect that, what with the budget coming up in a few weeks and the papers screaming about reducing public expenditure, if they want to hang on to their funding they'd better pull their heads out of their arses and come up with a few major terrorist scares for the front pages, pronto."

"I've also heard that the Daily Fortnight has a copy of a crudely-designed Flash game in which Boris Johnson runs around trying to impregnate every woman he meets, leaving blonde babies littered around the neighbourhood," added the obscure online ranter. "And it seems to have been created by none other than Lord Mandelson."

The online satirist said he also had it on good authority that The Daily Mash blog had got hold of an email from Number Ten containing a digital image of David Cameron, which had been crudely modified in Paint Shop Pro.

"Unless, of course, he normally sports a top hat bearing the message 'Posh twat - kick me hard' as he cycles to the House of Commons," he added.

Traditional journalists are said to be deeply concerned at the emerging trend of sensitive documents being leaked to underground bloggers.

"These people operate on the fringes of the media world, without the financial backing of a large corporate to pay them handsome bonuses for obligingly receiving leaked information from departmental moles," complained one tabloid hack. "I don't like the look of this at all."

D&D Creator Tears Up Character Sheet

Dave Arneson, one of the original co-creators of the Dungeons & Dragons role-playing game, has died after fumbling his saving throw, according to dark rumours emerging from the Forgotten Realms.

According to reliable visions experienced by several high-level mages, Arneson had been subjected to repeated potions and Cure Serious Wounds spells from clerics in recent years. However, he died on Tuesday after failing his CON roll against cancer.

Zondor - a priest of Vog who was with the party - reported that he placed his +1 percentile dice in the hand of the dying Arneson, who groaned as he rolled 03, gasped "Epic fail!" and expired. His fellow-adventurers marked his passing by punching the air and cheering, before taking a solemn time-out for Coke and potato chips.

It is believed that Arneson's spirit has passed into the Forbidden Realm, where it may join forces with the immortal sorcerer of Dungeons & Dragons legend, E Gary Gygax, who passed from view last year.

"Even though we have taken the precaution of burying him in a twenty-sided Casket of Containment, there is a very real possibility that the trauma of death may twist Dave's soul into a Chaotic Evil alignment," said a spotty 15th-level nerd calling himself Aargh the Barbarian, but whose real name is Dominic. "If that happens, we could be forced to hand over all of our gold pieces to pay for a whole new set of tomes that aren't really that different from the ones we had before."

"Still, at least there'll be loads of new pictures of women in shiny metal bras," he added hopefully.

Friday, 10 April 2009

North West Sees Return Of Traditional Policing

Senior officers in north-west England say that policing needs to go back to its old-fashioned core values, such as blaming darkies for everything.

"In recent weeks, the actions of police forces down south may have given the public the entirely wrong idea - namely that the police are in some way targeting whites," said Chief Inspector Himmler of the Mono-Cultural Relations unit. "Let me take this opportunity to say that nothing could be further from the truth. It has long been the view of many police officers that coloured gentlemen are responsible for 99% of the crime in the UK, and we hope that the arrest of 12 Pakis sends out a clear message to the superior white race that we are firmly back on track."

"Our dedicated officers have uncovered compelling evidence that these wogs were planning to vaporise the entire north of England," he continued. "They were in possession of several photographs of themselves with the north of England clearly visible in the background. We have found several bottles of fizzy pop which, if shaken, could easily have gone off, and several of the Pakis also had sophisticated timing devices attached to their wrists."

"It's a good thing that dear old Bob Slow inadvertently brought our carefully-planned operation forward, actually," he added, "Or tomorrow you'd be looking at a huge smoking crater separating Scotland from the Midlands. Fact."

BNP Unaccountably Popular, Observes Harman

The deputy leader of the Labour Party, Harriet Harman, has warned that the British National Party is poised to dominate the forthcoming European Parliamentary elections in June.

"I simply can't understand why British voters are abandoning their legendary tolerance and turning to the racist BNP in droves," she told the Independent today.

"By the way, if your neighbours are Pakis, call the police immediately," she urged. "There's a remote possibility that slaughtering you and your family might not be their number one priority, but you can't be too careful these days."

Pope Sends Oil to Earthquake Survivors

His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI has sent an Easter gift of sacred oil to the devastated archdiocese of l'Aquila, the Vatican reported today.

The spirits of the 28,000 homeless survivors shivering in flimsy tents were briefly lifted when an 18-wheeled papal tanker rumbled into the ruined city. Faces fell, however, when Archbishop Giuseppe Molinari ceremonially pumped the single litre of holy oil into a gold bucket and regretfully explained that each tent would only receive 0.15 of a cubic centimetre, enough to burn for approximately four seconds.

"We nearly lynched Berlusconi the other day, when he had the bare-faced cheek to come here and compare the destruction of everything we own in the world to going on a camping trip," said one shocked victim. "But when it comes to taking the piss, the Pope's fatuous gesture has really raised the bar."

"I can understand why the Pope may be reluctant to get up off his bony arse and minister to his traumatised children, stuck in squalid tent cities a mere hour's drive from his enormous palace," commented one haggard rescue worker. "If he was soaked in his stupid oil, tied to a stake and lit, he could provide enough heat for several hundred people for an entire evening."

"And char-grilled pontiff would make a pleasant change from emergency rations for a lucky few," he added.

"Happy Easter, everybody," said the Pope.

Thursday, 9 April 2009

An Independent Police Complaints Commissioner Calls

A One-Act Play by the Nev Filter

(The tea parlour, New Scotland Yard. Metropolitan Commissioner SIR PAUL JONG-STEPHENSON is pacing up and down angrily. Assistant Commissioner BOB SLOW is crying on the sofa. The HOME SECRETARY, Jacqui Smith, sits at a desk, frowning at a computer screen. A police BUMPKIN from Devon is peering out nervously from behind the sofa. PC49 is standing to attention by the French windows, stage right. A dead body in a Millwall shirt lies in front of the sofa, with a full tea-tray on its chest.)

SIR PAUL: Dammit, Bob, I still don't see what part of 'top secret' you don't understand.
BOB: (slightly hysterical) Well, I still say it's a black day for England when you can't trust Fleet Street journalists not to go blabbing to the media!
BUMPKIN: Shall oi arrest 'ee now, zurr?
(Independent Police Complaints Commissioner PRIESTLY enters via the window.)
PRIESTLY: I wouldn't be so hasty if I were you, constable. Good day to you all. My name is Priestly, of the Independent Police Complaints Commission. The gardener tells me that a crime has been committed - and I have reason to believe that the guilty party is right here in this very room.
BOB: (picking up teapot and pouring himself a fresh cup) A crime, commissioner? Where?
PRIESTLY: I'll come to that later. For now, I must insist that you all remain here in the parlour.
(PC49 quietly ducks out through the open window.)
HOME SECRETARY: (rising) Do you mean to say, Mr Priestly, that one of us is a criminal? I can't believe it. I don't believe it. I - I won't believe it!
PRIESTLY: Your faith in your subordinates is touching, Home Secretary. But, I fear, misplaced.
BOB: Would you like a cup of tea, Commissioner? Milk? One lump or two? (He starts to pour another cup.)
PRIESTLY: I rather think there have been too many lumps around here already, Mr Slow.
(BOB, thrown by the commissioner's remark, accidentally pours hot tea onto the head of the corpse.)
SIR PAUL: Honestly, Bob, can't you do anything right?
BUMPKIN: Shall oi arrest 'ee now, zurr?
BOB: (jumping to his feet) That's it! I've had enough! I resign!
PRIESTLY: Do sit down, Mr Slow. Nobody's going anywhere until I've got to the bottom of this. And calm down, PC Bumpkin, you can't just go round arresting people for no reason.
(BOB subsides onto the sofa.)
SIR PAUL: Now look here, commissioner, you can't just barge in like this and make dreadful insinuations about us, you know.
BUMPKIN: Shall oi arrest 'ee now, zurr?
SIR PAUL: Should we arrest you, Mr Priestly?
PRIESTLY: I don't know, Sir Paul. The Prevention of Terrorism Act is so wide in its scope, even I may have breached it without realising.
HOME SECRETARY: Suppose, for brevity's sake, that we set that to one side for now. I wish you'd tell us what we're supposed to have done.
PRIESTLY: You seem quite put out, Ms Smith. After all, you've assiduously adhered to the rules laid down by your colleagues, haven't you? Claiming for bath plugs - taking the full second home allowance for your family residence in the commuter belt whilst living at your sister's - carefully repaying the tenner you inadvertently claimed for your husband's solitary activities... Oh, I'm sure it's all above board, according to the letter of the law. But greed, Home Secretary, greed is written all over your face.
HOME SECRETARY: It is? I'd better get down to John Lewis and get some organic face-scrub on expenses.
PRIESTLY: I'm afraid that will have to wait, ma'am.
(There is a brief commotion outside the window, and PC 49 enters with a pot plant on his head, closely followed by the pitchfork-wielding GARDENER.)
GARDENER: I found this 'un hiding in the shrubbery, Mr Priestly!
PC49: (reading from notebook) I would like to make it quite clear that I have come forward of my own volition, to clear my name. I have never seen the deceased before in my life, and was nowhere near him when it happened. Whatever it was.
HOME SECRETARY: Deceased? Somebody's died? Where?
PC49: (pointing to dead body) There. (Pause.) Er... (consults notebook) Blimey. Where did that come from.
PRIESTLY: I give you the crime, ladies and gentlemen!
SIR PAUL: Good heavens. How did he die, Mr Priestly? Er... he wasn't by any chance shot several times in the head, was he?
BUMPKIN: Shall oi arrest 'ee now, zurr?
PRIESTLY: Don't worry, Sir Paul, it was natural causes. A heart attack. Very hard for a jury to convict, I should think. It looks like you're off the hook, PC49. Oh, and, in answer to your next question, Sir Paul - no, he isn't Brazilian.
HOME SECRETARY: But I don't understand, Mr Priestly. Now, I don't profess to know much about the law - but if, as you say, this unfortunate man died of natural causes, then surely no crime has been committed!
PRIESTLY: Would that it were so, Home Secretary. Sadly, it is my solemn duty to inform you that you are all guilty of bringing the law into disrepute. Because of your shameful unaccountability, Sir Paul! Your shameless graft, Home Secretary! Your heavy-handed intimidation of innocent parties, Constable Bumpkin! Your randomly-directed violence, PC49! And need I mention your bumbling incompetence, Assistant Commissioner Slow?
However, as there's no law against making a mockery of British justice, my fine fellow upholders of law and order, I'm sorry to say that you're all free to go. (Exits.)
BUMPKIN: Roight, yew innocent buggers is all under arrest!


PC49: (emerging from under curtain; waving baton at audience) What the fuck are you all looking at?


Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Footage Shows Met Police Breaching Heath & Safety Regulations Again

The Metropolitan Police have admitted that they are still struggling to get to grips with health and safety rules, after mobile phone footage revealed that innocent bystander Ian Tomlinson was attacked for no apparent reason by a police officer, minutes before he collapsed and died in the general vicinity of last week's G20 protests.

The video clip shows the unsuspecting Mr Tomlinson casually ambling past a line of riot police with his hands in his pockets, until a highly-trained officer suddenly rushes up behind him, strikes his knees out from under him with a baton and knocks him to the ground.

Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Kim Jong-Stephenson said he was very concerned about the battering his force is receiving in the press at the moment. "We are currently studying this footage to see if perhaps it has been faked in CGI by some anarcho-terrorist with access to a Silicon Graphics workstation. If we can't duck out of it that way, then it is clear that our officers are still experiencing great difficulty in negotiating the minefield of silly health and safety regulations which they have been forced to observe since we shot Jean Charles de Menezes - who, it should be remembered, won't be committing any more visa-related offences."

"Obviously my thoughts are with the family of the officer concerned, who is probably a bit difficult to be around right now as he considers the prospect of having to cry his eyes out and act like he cares at some pointless, annoying inquest a couple of years down the line," he added.

The chairman of the Metropolitan Police Federation, Peter Smyth, told reporters: "Sometimes it isn't clear, as a police officer, who is a protester and who is not. I know it's a generalisation, but anybody in that part of town at that time, the assumption would be that they are part of the protest. Basically, in case you hadn't noticed, we can twat anyone we want to and get away with it. We're the Met, we're above the law and we know where you live."

The Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, took time out from deleting her husband's porn collection to say that it may be possible, at some unspecified point in the future, that she might think about setting up a public inquiry to declare that the police had done a fantastic job under very trying circumstances.

Patriotic Forgers Doing Their Bit For British Economy

As it emerged that as many as one £1 coin in twenty could be a fake, the Chancellor of the Exchequer today praised Britain's public-spirited forgers and counterfeiters for putting so much effort into quantitative easing.

"The Royal Mint has been working flat out to put as much new currency into circulation as possible," said Mr Darling. "However, even with all the presses running flat out, there are only so many hours in the day. So I'd like to thank the criminal underworld for coming to the rescue in Britain's time of need. The more money there is, the better."

The Bank of England, however, pointed out that forgeries may not be accepted by sharp-eyed retailers. Some feature a portrait of Barbara Windsor instead of the Queen, while others have replaced the inscriptions around the coin's edge with mottoes from Christmas crackers.

"The Treasury is in negotiations with leading underworld figures about the possibility of subcontracting them to do the job properly," announced the Chancellor. "We have opened talks with the presentation of a complete set of proof-quality dies, as a measure of our good faith."

He went on to say that, in a reciprocal spirit of co-operation, the criminal fraternity had already commenced production of near-perfect forgeries, adding that they were asking for the contract fee to be paid in krugerrands.

The international money market reacted to the announcement with an unprecedented run on chocolate money.

"Not only is the shiny foil wrapper now worth more than the pound, but you can eat the chocolate too, if you want to," said a spokesman for leading currency brokers Moriarty Raffles.

"Yum," he added.

Tuesday, 7 April 2009

Tears of Joy As Media Unearths British Angle on Italian Quake Story

With the death toll now over 200 and mounting by the hour, there was rejoicing today in the ruined city of l'Aquila as desperate journalists finally managed to dig out a British survivor of yesterday's devastating earthquake.

Reporters had been frantically searching through the night for a British quake victim, and had almost given up all hope of finding a human-interest angle for the public back home. However, their prayers were answered when they heard a faint cry of 'Bollocks' from a man who was helping to move patients and equipment at the city's damaged hospital.

British journalists swarmed around in a desperate race against their deadlines to pull a story out of Oliver Hodge, who played rugby for the local side.

Hardened hacks wept openly when they discovered that Mr Hodge was tragically unharmed, and he stoically refused their repeated offers of blood from the hospital stores to smear across his face so their pictures would look more dramatic.

Meanwhile, Vatican sources said that Pope Benedict XVI had prayed for the victims of the earthquake, although it refused to speculate on when he was planning to undertake the 60-mile journey to the stricken area to explain to grieving survivors just what the hell he thought God was playing at.

Jacqui Smith's Alert Husband Uncovers Home Office Porn Link

The Home Office has removed a link from its website which connected surfers to a Japanese porn site, after Home Secretary Jacqui Smith's husband and aide, Richard Timney, was found sitting in front of a computer in her constituency office late in the evening with his trousers around his ankles.

When challenged by his wife's constituency chairman, Mr Timney said he was researching international terrorism for Ms Smith, and had clicked on a link which was supposed to take him from the Office for Security and Counter Terrorism page to the homepage of the Technical Advisory Board. He added that he was unaware that he had been misdirected into the depraved depths of Japanese pornography.

"The site to which I was directed certainly seemed to have some sort of security connection," explained a sweating Mr Timney. "There were hundreds of video clips showing pixellated images of male and female genitals. I was in the process of examining my own wedding tackle for moving squares when I was interrupted by the cleaner, who screamed and ran."

"I say, don't tell the wife, will you?" he begged as he tucked his shirt into his underpants. "I'm already sleeping on the sofa - I don't want to be exiled to the garden shed, £349.99 from the John Lewis catalogue."

Monday, 6 April 2009

Turkey To Enter Europe: "It's OK," Says Obama, "Just Tell Them You're With Me"

Barack Obama, on his first visit to an Islamic nation, has reassured Turkey that he will do all the arm-twisting he can to secure its membership of the European Union.

"It is not for the European Union to decide who can or can't join it," said President Obama. "Just because most of the member states have a few minor quibbles about Turkey's endemic corruption and graft, the relentless persecution of its Kurdish minority, severe restrictions on freedom of speech, repression of women's rights, the use of torture, assassination and murder by the military police, the banning of several political parties and a right-wing army breathing down the government's neck, doesn't mean that Turkey is in any way incompatible with the values of Western civilisation."

"The bottom line is that their generals are very pally with our generals," smiled the leader of the free world, "And the US Air Force would have had to use quite a bit more fuel to bomb the shit out of Mosul, if we hadn't had our Turkish airbases right there on its doorstep. So Turkey is good for the environment, too."

Gordon Brown agreed wholeheartedly with the Mr Obama, standing on the steps of Number Ten in front the US ambassador, who was vigorously pushing Mr Brown's head up and down. Other European leaders, though, were less enthusiastic.

"Look at zis map," said Nicolas Sarkozy. "Zis teeny leetle bit of Turkey ees on ze European continent. Ze ozzer four-twenties-fifteen per cent, she ees not. If Monsieur Yes-We-Can ees so amorous towards his Turkish allies, he can make eet ze 51st state of America, ees eet not? Good."

The French president refused to be drawn, however, on whether the purchase of a wonky Turkish-made Beko telly a few years ago may have adversely affected his views on Europe's Eastern neighbour.

Inquiry Into MPs' Expenses To Be Turned Into Reality Show

British telly addicts reacted with unbounded glee to the news that the investigation of MPs' expenses claims is to be televised in June and July.

"The live broadcast of the proceedings of the Committee on Standards in Public Life will be the biggest must-see programming to hit your screens since we revived Dr Who," promised BBC Director-General Mark Thompson. "BBC Parliament's viewing figures will no doubt shoot up from double figures into tens of millions. Our product-licensing people are already in negotiations with leading toy manufacturers to produce a line of action figures, collectible trading cards and a scary, voice-changing Alistair Darling mask to cash in on what promises to be the hit show of the summer holidays. Viewers will be able to vote members off the committee, too, by ringing a premium-rate phone line."

The composition of the committee is a closely-guarded secret, but the BBC is rumoured to be locked in negotiations with Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, Russell Brand and George Galloway.

Anti-Graffiti Vandals Daub Wall With Ironic, Post-Modern Paint

Protesters in Bristol today made an eloquent statement of their anti-graffiti agenda, by applying a liberal amount of red paint to a wall in the Stokes Croft area.

The Appropriate Media group claimed responsibility for vandalising the side of a barber's shop, calling for the "appropriate and legitimate use of public and private property."

The shop's owner, Nurettin Sayin, told reporters: "I was really glad when I saw that my premises have been appropriately vandalised by these civic-minded people. If I find out who they are, I'll sue their asses with all the tongue-in-cheek irony I can muster."

A spokesman for Appropriate Media, who upended a large can of Dulux over his head to avoid identification, told the Nev Filter: "Some mindless yahoo by the name Banks, or something common like that, had previously sprayed a godawful daub on this wall. I mean, a teddy bear throwing a Molotov cocktail at riot police, I ask you - what the blinkety-flip is that all about? Stokes Croft is a nice, respectable run-down slum for mentally-stunted, lower-class proles. How dare this idiot fill it with thought-provoking art?"

"I don't know much about art," he continued, adding feathers to his disguise, "But I do know it should be confined to galleries full of posh totty for the benefit of decent persons of wealth and taste. If this Banks yob really wants to speak to the poor, he should work for an advertising agency and use his meagre talents to sell them sixty-inch tellies, Xboxes, Sky HD and other idiot-pacifiers instead."

The spokesman was then punched senseless by our reporter, as it seemed the appropriate thing to do.

Sunday, 5 April 2009

Obama: More Nuclear Missiles For A Nuclear-Free World

Peace campaigners all over the world today hailed President Obama for his visionary pledge to rid the world of nuclear weapons at some unspecified point in the distant future long after his death.

Speaking in the Czech capital, Prague, Barack Obama told a cheering 20,000-strong crowd: "The existence of thousands of nuclear weapons is the most dangerous legacy of the Cold War."

"Today the Cold War has disappeared," he continued, "But thousands of those weapons have not. That is why I vow to you that I will erase forever the awful spectre of atomic armageddon - by planting a new generation of nuclear missiles here and in Poland, pointing straight at Moscow which, as we all know, is the black heart at the centre of al-Qaeda terrorism."

"Why are you all looking at me like that?" added the President, as his advisors held up boards saying 'Clap louder.'

Prayers Are Missing God By Several Inches, Claim Angry Meccans

Mecca - the destination of all Islamic pilgrims - is in spiritual turmoil today, as it emerged that many of the Saudi city's older mosques do not point precisely to the Kaaba shrine.

The black-draped cubic building is the most sacred sanctuary in Islam, and many Moslems who believe that it acts as a focus for their prayers are now concerned that, owing to the misalignment of the mosques, their heartfelt supplications have completely missed God and flown off uselessly into space where sinister thought-reading alien infidels may use them for their own unspeakable purposes.

"I can't think of any other reason for the continued existence of America, the Great Satan," angry pilgrim Sayid Jarrah told reporters.

Tawfik al-Sudairi, the deputy secretary at the Islamic Affairs Ministry, tried to reassure worshippers, saying: "There are no major errors but corrections have been made for some old mosques, thanks to modern techniques. In any case, it does not affect the prayers."

"Anyone who thinks otherwise is welcome to debate the issue at their leisure with the Mutaween, our much-loved religious police," he added.

Some Saudi citizens who are tired of living have criticised the mutaween for filling their ranks with criminals, whose only qualification is to have memorised the Koran to get their sentences reduced. They also hold them responsible for cruelly enforcing Sharia law, such as the incident in 2002 in which fifty schoolgirls died in their burning school after the mutaween refused to let them out because their heads were uncovered and they were not accompanied by a male guardian.

"It is an affront to civilised values that a police force tolerates the presence of so many convicted criminals in its ranks," said Britain's justice secretary Jack Straw, although he retracted his statement after a red-faced Home Secretary Jacqui Smith kicked his shins under the table.

"Ignorant people who make fetishes of inanimate objects are, I'm sad to say, missing the entire point of religious belief," said the newly-appointed leader of Britain's Catholics, the Most Reverend Vincent Price, just after he had fed his cannibal flock with wafers and wine which somehow turned into the physical remains of Jesus himself in their mouths.

The leader of Britain's damned heretics - Richard Dawkins, the Archatheist of Oxford - made no comment on the matter except to say that, as he only had the one life to live, he was rather keen to hang on to it.