Everyone In Britain Too Busy Raping Children To Heed Deputy Children’s Commissioner’s Warning

Every girl in Britain has been repeatedly gang-raped by the age of 11, deputy children’s commissioner Sue Chickenowitz-Littlowitz shrieked at a shocked Commons Affairs Committee today.

“As one police officer who was the lead in a very big investigation in a very lovely, leafy, rural part of the country said to me: ‘There isn't a town, village or hamlet in which children are not being sexually exploited.’ Well, what he actually said when I put it to him was “Er, I wouldn’t know about that exactly, missus’ - but that’s not a denial, is it???” the wide-eyed chicken screeched in horror. "We should start from the assumption that all the children in Britain are being sexually exploited right the way across the country!!! By everybody!!! All the time!!! Even as we speak!!!”

Ban this evil thing now

The frantic Ms Chickenowitz-Littlowitz painted a grim picture of innocence lost, in which the wicked internet monster slyly lures sweet little girls into the nearest park with false promises of sugar, spice and all things nice, whereupon hundreds of local boys – all of them transformed into sex-crazed maniacs by a dangerous cocktail of slugs, snails and puppy-dogs’ tails – cruelly force them to perform something horrid on their tiny winkies for two hours each.

"I wish I could say to you that such things are uncommon,” she screeched, “But I'm afraid they are quite common!!! And parental blocks on the internet won’t help, because it’s the parents who are encouraging it, I tell you!!! Arrest them all immediately!!!"

When the astonished committee cautiously thanked the wild-eyed Ms Chickenowitz-Littlowitz for her valuable time and told her they would take her “most interesting” statement under advisement, she launched herself across the desk, clawing at their trousers and demanding to know where they had hidden their underage sex slaves.

Newspaper Industry To Shut Down After ‘Appalling’ Exploitation Of Maddy Pics For Commercial Gain

Don't give these bastards a penny

Newspapers will officially cease to exist in Britain from this day forward,” sobbed a guilt-ridden Richard Desmond today, after editors, proprietors and hacks united in condemning the ‘outrageous’ use of a photograph of Madeleine McCann merely to sell things to the public.

The repentant Mr Desmond - owner of the Daily Express and the Daily Star - spoke on behalf of the entire print media industry, after five shameless years of slapping a photograph of the missing child on the front page for a quick sales boost, before shaving his head and disappearing forever into a Trappist monastery.

Horrified advertisers have been quick to disassociate themselves from disgusting scum who cynically feed off individual misery. “We’re outraged,” said a spokesman for Astescburysons. “We had absolutely no inkling that the newspaper industry could have sunk so low. Don’t miss next week’s amazing 3-for-2 deals on Madeleine-flavoured crisps, by the way.”

Smokers Now Officially Worse Than Paedos

Evil smokers have replaced paedophiles as the nation’s most hated monsters in human form, says the Department of Health, as it launches a hard-hitting advertising campaign urging all right-thinking people to bludgeon to death anyone they spot lurking within a mile of an ickle pretty child and looks as if they could be about to whip out a cigarette.

“I urge you with all the PR at my disposal to report any neighbours you might suspect of smoking to the police immediately,” bellowed Professor Terence Stephenson, president of the Royal College of Ickle Pretty Children. “These repugnant creatures dream of fucking a child’s ickle pretty lungs up. If you want my informed medical opinion, I’d burn the sick bastards’ genitals off with their own lighters.”

Let's find out where she lives, and burn it down

On the BBC Breakfast this morning, a spokesman for shady smokophile apologists FOREST - who dared to suggest that the generation who grew up breathing factory-chimney levels of deadly household toxins seemed to have become the longest-lived people in history - was thrashed senseless with a fire extinguisher by enraged presenter Susanna Reid, prompting a flood of complaints to BBC switchboards that she had let him live.

“When a doctor pointed out what everybody knows, i.e. those lung-molesters at FOREST are in cahoots with the murdering profiteers who run the tobacco industry, that twisted pervert had the bloody nerve to wonder if the pharmaceutical companies were making anything out of their holy patches of good nicotine,” screamed a typical caller. “Right now I can see the bloke over the road loitering outside his front door, furtively ramming his disgusting smoke down my unsuspecting kids’ throats while they’re out playing innocently in my ex’s back garden on the other side of town, the dirty fucker!”

“Where did I put my carving knife?” she added thoughtfully.

Meanwhile, a spokesman for the government urged the public to forget about fuel and pasties and concentrate on the vitally important task of living in a permanent state of blind, terrified rage.

British Parents ‘Very Disappointed’ Over Children’s Inability To Order Fresh Beer Deliveries

Hello, Esther Rantzen? What's your cheapest vodka?

Britain’s drink-sodden parents revived for long enough to slur their disappointment today, after ChildLine reported that it was receiving more than 100 calls a week from idiot children mistaking its alcohol helpline for the doorstep booze suppliers their parents were urging them to ring because they were unable to focus on the buttons themselves.

“Wossa bladdy point uv kids, right, if the little bastuds is too fackin’ fick to ring fr’anuvva crate uv San Miguel?” shouted one typical dad lying slumped on a sofa, as social workers bundled his traumatised 7-year-old daughter into care. “Well, ya kin fack right orf, y’dozy little caah.”

“If y’wanna job dun right, do it y’self jenotameen?” he mumbled, stabbing the air with a finger and knocking a bottle off the arm of the sofa. “A’m orf dahn Argos first fing t’morra afternoon when I wake ap innit, git meself one a’ them phones wiv a big fack-off button faw emergencies. Sawtid.”

“Fack it!” he suddenly exploded. “’ow’s the silly littow bitch s’posed ta program the namba in if she int bladdy ‘ere? Inconsid’rate bladdy social.”

Chief Medical Officer Breaks Link Between That Nice Cabernet Sauvignon You Like With Your Dinner and End of Civilisation

Britain's social problems were solved at a stroke today by the outgoing Chief Killjoy, Sir Liam Donaldson.

Britain's top stroppy doctor delivered a devastating diatribe against irresponsible parents who recklessly allow their children to cotton on to the fact that there exists a mysterious substance called alcohol, which may actually be quite pleasant if drunk in moderate quantities.

"Children who find out about this vile chemical abomination invariably grow up into the kind of tragic sub-human wreckage for whom home is a urine-soaked bench in the bus station," hectored Sir Liam in all the proper newspapers which nice people like us read. "And I'm not talking about the council estate rat-people, Middle England - their foul whelps are already hooked on the pure crystal meth that flows from their prostitute mothers' needle-pocked breasts. I'm talking about you - you there, the chap reading this on the 0810 to Charing Cross - yes, you! You disgust me with your corrupt Stowells of Chelsea wine collection and your perverted bottle of single-malt Scotch. The mere presence of this unpardonable toxic waste in your household has condemned your carefully-conceived offspring to a short, wasted life shambling in and out of the prison system. Proud of yourself? God, you make me sick. I want to hurt you badly."

Meanwhile, readers of the Sun and the Mirror were anxiously dragging their fingers along a version of Sir Liam's advice specially tailored for what little remains of their pickled brains.

"You will raise a tribe of uncontrollable little SHITS who will certainly turn round and HACK you to BITS over some silly bloody toy, BECAUSE YOU DRINK," he wrote in big letters. "And you WILL have kids, because you're too sodding THICK to use a CONDOM. The only way to save your wretched life once you start dropping sprogs is this: STOP DRINKING until the ungrateful little buggers eventually fuck off."

Within 12 hours of Sir Liam's sour prognosis, Britain's teen pregnancy rate is reported to have plummeted from 95% to zero. The country's chavscum are said to be signing up in droves to be neutered or spayed by specially-deployed teams of vets, while decent middle-class people like you and me are hastily adding bleach, paraquat and creosote to the contents of our wine cellars and administering the deadly cocktail to the family pet in a desperate collective effort to convince our sons and daughters that alcohol is not, as they had previously been led to believe, rather agreeable with a Sunday roast, but in fact agonisingly fatal even in the tiniest doses.

Traumatised Joshuas and Emilys are now confidently expected to live for at least 150 enjoyment-free years. Meanwhile, the dwindling numbers of Cody-Lees and Sammi-Jos will soon be rounded up by the authorities and placed in an underwater holding tank somewhere off the coast of Cornwall, until their stunted Morlok race mercifully dies out for good.

"I can retire with a clear conscience," said Sir Liam this evening. "My work here is done."

"Unless I can think of some way to cure the nation of sugar, " he added. "And television. And comfortable furniture."

You And Your Mates Are Probably Pervs, But £67 Each Should Sort It - Ofsted

You and your best friend are filthy child-molesting perverts, said Ofsted today, but your children will be OK if you both give the government some money.

The advice comes after two Milton Keynes policewomen were revealed for the sick paedophiles they are, after they shamelessly concocted an evil plot to take turns looking after each other's children when one of them was working.

"Offering to look after your best mate's kids if they do the same for you? Hah! That's one of the oldest trust-building tricks in the Pervs' Handbook," sneered an Ofsted spokesman. "Only the security of knowing that you and your mate have each handed over £67 to the government for a criminal record check will guarantee safety for your vulnerable little ones. And theirs, you sick monster."

"On the other hand, if it's a one-way trade, well, that's perfectly OK," he added. "Only a saint anointed by the Almighty Himself would offer to look after your children for no reward but the simple pleasure of having your children."

"We can't have people doing things for each other out of friendship," said a spokesman for the government. " Where would that end, I ask you? In no time at all you'd be staring the breakdown of society itself squarely in the face. I mean, where's our cut?"

Wild-Eyed, Unkempt Scientist Proposes Eminently Practical Solution to E.Coli Outbreak

As trained vets methodically gun down yet more cute farmyard animals - this time at a petting farm near Exmouth - Britain's leading mad scientist, Doc Emmett Brown, has issued a stark warning to parents worried about the outbreak of E.Coli 0157.

"Animals are walking disease factories," he shrieked with authority. "Nothing less than a worldwide cull of all animal life will save your child from a potentially lethal dose of the squits."

"Animals are full of shit," added the white-haired expert, "And believe me, I know what I'm talking about."

He then grabbed a hammer, jumped into his customised deLorean and sped off into the distant past, leaving nothing but a pair of flaming tyre tracks to mark his desperate mission to save the human race from occasional attacks of the screaming shits by preventing life from ever evolving on Earth.

Not all microbiologists are as uncompromisingly radical as Doc Brown, however. Some argue that the petting of fish should still be allowed, as long as they are swimming in water containing at least a 75% concentration of Domestos. Others say that animal petting is perfectly safe, if the animals are covered in at least two inches of disinfectant gel at all times and children under five are made to wear space-suits.

Worried animal-loving parents, however, are faced with an agonising decision - whether to request a lethal injection for their faithful, docile pets or their awful, screaming brats.

Sarah Ferguson Wanted For Committing Crimes Against Humanity To Film

The British public is being warned to stay away from desperate criminal fugitive the Duchess of York, who is tonight on the run from police seeking to question her on behalf of the Turkish government on suspicion of committing a documentary against the Turkish nation.

In the alleged documentary, shown last November, the renegade royal viciously held up the Turkish authorities to public criticism, bursting into a state-run orphanage with her gang of desperado (Princess Eugenie) before callously blowing the lid on the callous neglect and abuse of innocent orphans.

"This evil woman must be stopped before she commits any more acts of wanton undercover journalism," said a Turkish general out of the corner of his mouth, with his hand up the backside of his comical puppet foreign minister Ali Babacan. "Turkey is a wonderful place for a suntan, as any cheapskate who has enjoyed our glorious Kurd-free beaches will readily attest - unless, of course, they want a hands-on visit to our legendary prison system thrown in for free on their next visit."

"We would also like to point out to the British government that we also have a very big oil pipeline, with a tap attached to it," he added.

The US government is also expected to put pressure on Britain to extradite the feared 'Fergie' to Turkey, where it maintains several airbases and missile silos in case the Commies ever come back.

"What's the big deal?" commented US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. "We hear you guys are real keen on sending criminals back to dodgy oil-rich Muslim countries these days."

"Next time you want to poke your noses into our orphanages, send Elton John instead," suggested the secretive Turkish general, keeping carefully in the background and drinking a glass of water while his ministerial dummy cried hilarious fake tears. "Everybody will just tell him to stop pretending to be Madonna, and forget all about it."

Parents Urged Not To Let Their Little Man Play With The Trains: "He's Not Really a Little Man, But The Trains Are Real Trains," Warn Experts

Parents are being warned that their infant children are not really little men and princesses, no matter what they might fondly believe, after two-year-old Johnny Hall toddled through a gate and into the path of a speeding train while his mother was chatting to relatives at a travellers' site next to the railway line.

As police investigators scraped little Johnny off the wheels of the Lincoln-Peterborough train, his aunt told reporters that his death was a "tragic accident" and nobody was to blame - especially not his mother, nor any of his other pikey relatives who were present and allowed him wander head-first into a 60mph train because they were busy discussing the price of heather.

Little Johnny's mother - who saw her young son splattered to bits, after she belatedly decided that losing sight of a two-year-old when you are standing next to a busy railway track might not be considered good parenting - is said to be distraught. However, relatives hoped she would soon be recovered enough to ring some real solicitors at the National Accident Helpline to see about getting some compy.

"Children are increasingly treated like tiny, demanding adults by their parents," warned a child psychologist. "But they're not adults. They're fuckwits. If you must think of them as small grown-up people, try to imagine them as Mr Bean with a strong deathwish."

"But the essential thing to remember, above all other considerations," he added, "Is that no matter how clever you think they are, your kids are complete and utter fuckwits."

Realm Can Become Paradise On Earth In Exchange For Its Babies, Says Pied Charity Boss

Martin Narey, the chief musical executive of children's charity Barnardo's, has promised the good people of Britain that he can remove the plague of problem children which has been driving the nation to distraction.

"Just listen as I play my beguiling tune, promising a simplistic solution to a complex problem," piped up the charity boss. "Leave all your unwanted babies out on the doorstep, scum, and let them crawl after me as I stroll my merry way through the streets. I will lead them to my wonderful children's home deep within the big hill outside town, where they will all grow up in a cheerful, caring environment to become happy, well-adjusted achievers and live happily ever after."

Mr Narey made his too-good-to-be-true offer in the wake of last week's court case in Doncaster - involving two out-of-control brothers who viciously attacked two young children - amid a flurry of town criers begging for somebody to come forward to rid the kingdom of its plague of children.

"Of course, if I perform this service for you, I shall expect a substantial pay rise," cautioned Mr Narey casually, as he blew an experimental toot on his freshly-polished pipes. "All those awful children of yours living in my enchanted hill will take some looking after, and the increased staffing levels mean that I will be taking on a significantly higher level of responsibility."

After consulting carefully with leading citizens (Lord Mandelson and Alistair Brown), Prime Minister Gordon Brown gave a cautious welcome to Mr Narey's wonderfully simple proposal.

"I say we let this fine fellow carry out his task, and once our towns are free of children we'll see about his reward," he said. "Of course, due to circumstances entirely beyond my control, we are not quite the prosperous realm that we were two years ago - and it's a possibility that there might be insufficient gold coins in our treasury to pay him for his services. But Mr Narey seems like a nice chap, though; I'm sure he wouldn't mind being given, say, a cardboard MBE in lieu of payment.

"I can't imagine he would be so petty as to take revenge, for example by leading all of our much-loved pet rats off to heaven knows where, never to be seen again."

Baying Mobs Purge Nation of Tracey Connellys, Steven Barkers, Peter Owens

Enraged hordes of tabloid readers have delivered swift vigilante justice to everyone in Britain who happens to share the names of Baby P's killers, which were made public today after a court anonymity order expired.

"AAAAARRRRGGGHHHH BAAAASTAAAARDS," explained one crowbar-wielding member of the public, standing exultantly over the unrecognisable pulp which was all that remained of harmless TV repairman Steven Barker from Rotherham.

It now seems likely that the only Tracey Connelly and Steven Barker left alive in the UK are the child-murderers themselves, who are safely locked inside maximum-security gaols. Peter Owens, the brother of Barker, is almost certainly dead - along with thousands of his innocent namesakes - as he had been released back into the community on probation.

"I fucken can't stand fucken child abusers, they make me fucken skin crawl," said a blood-soaked mother of six in Southend, still shaking with righteous rage, as her children sat on the floor obsessively playing Halo 3 on their Xbox for the 338th consecutive day. "Willya fucken shut up, ya little fuckers? I'm fucken tryen to tell this fucker how much I fucken hate child abusers. Fuck's sake, I fucken wish I'd fucken took it up the arse when I met yer dads."

'Don't Panic, But Soft Toys Mean Instant Death', Warns Government

New swine flu guidelines, issued to childminders and nurseries by the Department for Children, Schools and Families, suggest that cuddly toys, pencils, crayons and musical instruments are almost certain to result in immediate piggy death for any child who touches them.

"Clean hard toys by hosing them down with pure ammonia every five minutes," is the official government advice to the childcare sector. "Try to avoid children sharing soft toys, as these are difficult to clean adequately unless they are small enough to be roasted for an hour inside a pressure cooker full of nitric acid. The toys, that is - not the children. Although that would work too."

"Actually, your best bet is to fit all children with scuba tanks as soon as they're dropped off, then seal them into polythene bags and shut them inside individual lockers until their parents come to collect them," concludes the guide.

Families have responded angrily to the news that their children may become carriers of the dreaded piggy death disease which is wiping out millions. Many concerned parents are already abandoning their potentially unclean offspring on the doorsteps of council offices and hospitals, or just turning them out of their homes with a Nintendo DS, a bag of crisps and a bottle of Sunny Delight, with a bell tied round their necks warning others not to approach them under any circumstances.

Health Nazis Target Drivers With 380mm Rocket Shells

Britain's new Smokebannführer, Professor Terence Stephenson, has called on the government to issue shoot-to-kill orders on parents who light up while driving with children in their cars.

Resplendent in his shiny new black uniform, the newly-appointed Chancellor of the Reichskollege of Paediatrics and Child Health issued his strident call from the commander's hatch of a Stürmtiger tank, parked on a bridge overlooking the M25.

"Achtung! Der vellgeknöwenfact ist zat der schmökers' childrens spend ze brief, stunted lifes coughing up der own trachaeae, before expiring in der sticky explosion of tar und lungs before reaching puberty," he screamed, firing off a huge rocket-propelled shell into the face of a van driver holding a cigarette out of the window. "Parents who force ze liddel childrens to breathe der zweitehandeschmökens might as vell pour ze reeking contents of ze strassbandsbrazier down zer tender throats."

"Make no mistake, schmöker schwein," he continued. "Today I haf your car in my sights! Tomorrow, you can expect ze knock on ze door in ze middle of ze night. Childrens! Do your parents own ein zippo, hein? It is your duty to report zem to me at vunce! Anyvun who asks to see evidence proving ze existence of der zweitehandgeschmökenskrankheit is der traitor! Zey, zer family und zer friends vill be herded into ze nearest church und burned alive - zey vill zen be fined for atmospheric pollutions. Resistance is useless! If you gif up der schmökes, you vill last for a thousand years! Health Hitler!"

A 10 Downing Street spokesman commented: "The Prime Minister is most interested in the Reichspresident's suggestion, as it chimes with his natural instinct to ruthlessly track down and kill joy wherever it is to be found. There is a problem, however, as it also clashes with his other natural instinct, which is to clobber people with tax, tax and more tax."

"Have you got a telephone?" he added. "That'll be 50p a month. Welcome to the digital revolution, suckers."

All Wrongs Righted Forever By Facebook Event

Hundreds of concerned but simplistic Facebook users are marching today from one place to another as part of a protest organised through the popular social networking site, which is certain to ensure that no other child anywhere in the world with a single-letter name should ever again suffer the tragic fate of Baby P.

"Our group is Justice March for Baby P but we are not forgetting babies A-Z," declared Dolly Barton, one of the organisers. The group is seeking urgent - though unspecified - changes in child protection laws and social services, and begs supporters: "Please let's stop this happening again and again. A little stroll through town on Saturday should sort it."

The nationwide protests will culminate in the delivery of petitions to 10 Downing Street, demanding that the government act immediately to stop really bad things from ever happening again.

"What we want is... er... I dunno reely," said Plymouth marcher Sammy-Leanne, 19, who had left her three children at home in the care of a Playstation 2. "It's all the bloody Social's fault, yeah? They ort to take babies off child-murderers, right, before they like murder them and that, shouldn't they? Obvious."

The march is expected to save the lives of trillions of at-risk children - and all thanks to the mighty power of Facebook.