Collectors Excited By New No-Fly Top Trumps Helicopters

Little boys are enthusiastically snapping up the latest long-awaited release in the popular No-Fly Top Trumps card game, eager to trump Libyan motorists’ knackered old bangers even harder with the British Army’s Apache attack helicopter and their French counterparts’ significantly cheaper SA342 Gazelle.

“OK, so the British-built Apache was only ordered years after the original version went into service with the US Army, and yes, it may have taken the army six years to make the radio work properly and stop bits falling off every time it fired a missile,” gushed keen little military hardware enthusiast Tommy Wilkins, 48, who pretends he is a national newspaper's resident expert on defence matters. “But its impressive £64m unit cost makes the bargain-basement Gazelle look really silly.”

You can almost feel their throbbing power

“Oh, poo,” he cried in disappointment, as he unwrapped his shiny new cards. “Cost isn’t on there.”

Consumers Wondering Exactly When Britain’s Farmers Seceded From Europe

The European Union

As the National Farmers’ Union warned that Britain was about to be inundated by billions of “cheap, unwanted cucumbers from within the EU”, bewildered shoppers were left wondering just when the nation’s farms relocated themselves beyond Europe’s borders.

Showing an admirable set of priorities in the middle of a major health scare, the NFU smoothly glossed over the rather disturbing fact that nobody has the faintest idea which country the E.coli-infected vegetables are coming from. Admirably, it has decided to concentrate instead on the all-important goal of preventing Britain’s cash-strapped shoppers from getting a bargain out of the surplus cucumbers that Russia has banned.

“We have spoken to all of Britain’s major retailers to seek assurances that they are backing British growers and charging a rip-off price for their product,” said NFU board member Sarah Pettitt. “And we’re relieved to hear that they’re more than happy to keep charging well over the odds for British veg which, for all anybody knows, might just as easily be the source of the infection as any other member state.”

“Except, of course, our cucumbers couldn’t possibly be infected with E.coli, because that’s only affecting stocks originating from somewhere in the EU,” she corrected herself hastily. “Which, as any fool knows, stops at the English Channel.”

Dole Cheats Stealing £300 Of Nature A Year From Decent, Hard-Working Families

Fistral Beach

The reason you are not getting your annual £300 share of nature’s bounty is not because you live in a man-made hell of concrete and exhaust fumes, a report commissioned by the government revealed today. It is because feckless unemployeds are ripping you off and enjoying Britain’s scenic beauty free, gratis and for nothing while you toil in a dull, grey office.

“I told my Jobcentre advisor I wasn’t happy with the amount of beaches I was getting on JSA,” scoffed bone-idle scrounger Roy Biggins, 42, from Bethnal Green. “I told ‘em straight, I want three hundred nicker of the Lake District right now, right, and I ain’t budging until you give it me.”

Fistral Beach without the doleys

While Mr Biggins shamelessly cavorts with badgers to his heart’s content among Cumbria’s lush green valleys, the authors of the National Ecosystem Assessment warn that other workshy loafers are greedily sucking in the clean, valuable air that is rightfully yours all over the wave-kissed beaches of Devon and Cornwall.

When our reporter tried to reclaim his due share of Britain’s natural beauty by pushing a surfing jobless off Newquay’s golden Fistral Beach, he was loudly told to “fuck off” by the protesting wastrel, who is in the process of appealing an Atos decision that a chronic allergy to work is not a barrier to employment.

Put Amusing Pictures Of Stoners On Drugs, Suggest Experts

The international war on drugs has failed, according to an influential report by the Global Commission On Drug Policy which suggests legalising all drugs but selling them with graphic pictures of users making complete tits of themselves in public.

“The global war on drugs has failed, with devastating consequences for individuals and societies around the world,” said the report, issued today. “Governments should instead experiment with models of legal regulation of drugs, but educate the population to chuckle at the hilarious consequences which users end up inflicting upon themselves.”

Government Health Warning: You are going to look like this

“See Appendix 12: there’s a brilliant picture of a bloke arguing with his fridge,” the authors concluded. “Isn’t that enough to make any sensible person think before rolling a joint?”

World leaders were quick to condemn the report, however.

“It’s sheer madness to allow people any degree of personal responsibility,” scowled David Cameron. “Decent people would be shooting all kinds of noxious thoughts out before you could say Jack Robinson, such as: ‘Why is it perfectly OK to piss it up until my ruined kidneys trickle out of my arse, but I can’t smoke a spliff now and then to relieve myself of the constant pain of advanced arthritis?’ By the end of the week, you’d be staring the end of civilisation in the face.”

"As you can plainly see,” he added solemnly, “Experimenting with models of legal regulation would inevitably lead to dangerous hard questions which permanently damage your perception of reality.”

Facebook’s Autism Awareness Viral Not Entirely Successful In Bristol

This worked a treat, too

Millions of earnest social networkers are now wondering how healthcare professionals at Bristol’s Winterbourne View residential hospital could possibly have engaged in the systematic abuse of vulnerable patients, as the Facebook philanthropists were under the distinct impression that the internet had somehow fixed society’s lack of autism awareness forever with a heartfelt viral cut-and-paste status post which did the rounds last year.

“Perhaps the four staff members who were arrested for teasing, taunting, slapping, and forcing the residents in their care into showers whilst fully clothed just don’t use Facebook or something,” mused one instant campaigner. “Or maybe they were actually being nice to the autistic ones, and only abused people with learning disabilities I haven’t heard of. I don’t think Facebook covered those.”

It is also becoming clear that not only the brutal staff in the hospital, but also the Care Quality Commission watchdogs who are supposed to enforce standards in residential care, appear to have been mysteriously bypassed by the magical awareness-raising power of social networking, as it emerged that a worried senior nurse had to alert the regulator several times before it belatedly began to look into the home’s bullying culture.

“As you might expect, some of the residents were less than happy about being mistreated by the very people who were paid to look after them,” said a spokesman for the CQC. “But these people are always talking complete and utter crap, though, because they’re mental.”

“What?” he added. “Don’t look at me like that. Do you want me to use the pointy stick?”

Britain Asks NATO To Back Demands For FIFA Regime Change

Blatter can run, but he can't kick

As the hated tyrant Sepp Blatter tightens his grip on his corrupt FIFA fiefdom, the increasingly-isolated football associations of Great Britain have sent desperate pleas to NATO Headquarters in Brussels, asking the 28 member countries of the Western alliance to support their uprising with military assistance.

The UN Security Council is holding an emergency summit tomorrow to consider the wider implications of the ‘Arsehole Spring’ movement which is rapidly spreading throughout the world of football, although the US delegation is likely to veto any resolution that does not refer exclusively to ‘soccer’.

The de facto head of the FA rebels, chairman David Bernstein, warned that Blatter was a scheming, power-crazed dictator who was capable of the utmost ruthlessness in disposing of his rivals - including would-be presidential rival Mohammed Bin Handout, who has not been seen alive since a fanatical Revolutionary Fraud hit-squad laid siege to his office.

Privately, however, many of the leaders of NATO countries have expressed their doubts about the legitimacy of the so-called rebels.

“Who are these people, and what is their real agenda?” demanded French president Nicolas Sarkozy. “We know nothing at all about them, except that they command the unquestioning loyalty of a motley rabble of fanatical xenophobes, and get rather a lot of their funding from dubious Russian sources.”

Tired Daleks Enjoyed Afternoon Nap, Look Forward To A Spot Of Gardening

And afternoons are half-price at the council swimming baths

The Daleks woke up from their first nap in 48 years at teatime, thanked Dr Who writer Steven Moffat for granting them a rest and told reporters they were off to the garden centre tomorrow morning to buy some bedding plants for the garden.

“We-are-still-a-bit-kna-ckered,” commented one Dalek after resting his eyestalk for a few hours, “But-to-night-we-are-hav-ing-O-val-tine. We-will-have-a-bloo-dy-good-kip.”

“I-am-go-ing-to-ta-ckle-the-weeds-af-ter-lunch,” it added. “They-will-be-ex-ter-min-a-ted.”

Some Daleks feel this is a bit energetic, however, and have formed a faction which urges staying in and watching Jeremy Kyle and repeats of Antiques Roadshow.

“Take-it-ea-sy, Ke-vin,” they urged the leader of the gardening Daleks. “You-will-do-your-ca-sing-an-in-ju-ry.”

The interview was interrupted, however, by the groaning and wheezing arrival of the TARDIS.

“It-is-the-Doc-tor,” said Dalek Kevin. “We-asked-the-poor-bu-gger-o-ver-for-tea. He-is-gett-ing-a-bit-crea-ky-too.”

Belfast Celebrates Worst Bit Of Shipbuilding In History

Go off an' drown some English, y'dorty great bastard now

Ulster today celebrated the centenary of the shoddiest attempt at building a ship the world has ever seen, marking the ill-fated launch of the doomed Titanic from the forever-tainted Harland and Woolf shipyard with cheering and blaring boat hooters. The city also unveiled a tragic exhibition of personal effects formerly owned by those condemned to drown in the icy waters of the Atlantic by the appalling example of Irish craftsmanship at its worst.

The party kicked off with a religious ceremony as a priest pointed out that, if Noah had been Irish, then the world would be pretty damned quiet nowadays. The crowds then held a moment’s silence in respect for the 1,517 passengers and crew they killed with their hideously unseaworthy vessel, followed by 62 raucous seconds of cheerfully inappropriate self-congratulation as they imagined their monstrous death tub creaking down the slipway into the dark waters that would swallow it within the space of a year.

“For too long Belfast’s role in the Titanic story has been neglected,” said Niall O Donnghaile, the city’s lord mayor. “But attitudes have changed since those far-off days, and generations have now grown up in this city feeling that being associated with pointless and entirely avoidable slaughter is nothing to be particularly ashamed of.”

“Look, how the fuck else are we going to persuade foreigners to visit Belfast?” said a spokesman for Tourism Ireland. “It was either this or The Authentic IRA Fun Palace.”

Lewis Hamilton To Take Up Media Career With Kazakh Ministry Of Information

"This suit is black not."

McLaren driver Lewis Hamilton today shocked the world of motorsport by declaring his immediate retirement from Formula One racing because he is black, and announced that he was moving to the former Soviet republic of Kazakhstan to begin a career in journalism.

Media pundits pointed out that Hamilton has some experience in his new chosen field, having spent years hilariously trying to pretend in interviews that he is a streetwise black hipster even though the audience knows he is a typical middle-class white man from the stockbroker belt.

Journalists Struggling To Report ‘Germany’s Cucumber Problem’ Without Giggling

They only just managed to fit it in

Government Unveils Silliest Excuses For Fraudulent Benefit Claims

This is what an unemployed looks like

The government today unveiled the flimsiest excuses used by devious claimants in their efforts to get their thieving hands on the taxes paid by decent, hard-working families who live in the sunny south east.

“I used to have a job, but my company let me go because nobody’s got any money to buy anything any more";

“I used to be self-employed, but my company folded because nobody’s got any money and the banks aren’t giving out loans any more”;

“There are no bloody jobs, because we don’t make anything any more”;

And, most pathetic of all: “I’m disabled.”

The government added that it has renamed tomorrow’s bank holiday National Laugh At The Jobless Day, although a jobless who obviously has plenty of time on his idle hands pointed out that this is hardly a special occasion.

Benefit Claimants Unveil Silliest Excuse For A Fraudulent Government

Just sits around all day doing bugger all

1. David Cameron is the Prime Minister.
2. Nick Clegg is not.
3. George Osborne is the Canceller of the Exchequer.
4. Theresa May is the Lights-On-But-Nobody-Home Secretary.
5. Ken Clarke is the Lord Chancer.
6. William Hague is the Secretary From Another Planet.
7. Dr Liam Fox is the swivel-eyed Secretary of State for Attack.
8. Jeremy Hunt is the Secretary of State for Culture, Olympics, Sport and Mr Rupert Murdoch.
9. Dr Vince Cable is the Secretary of State for Any Other Business, Innovation and Skills.
10. Caroline Spelman is the Secretary of State for Selling the Environment.
11. Michael Gove is the Secretary of State for Denying The Poor An Education.
12. Angela Lansbury is the Secretary of State for Destroying the NHS (correct at time of writing).
13. Chris Huhne is the Secretary of State for Driving With Energy and Wife Change (ditto).
14. Richard Hammond is the Secretary of State for Petrolheads.
15. Eric Pickles.
16. Iain Duncan Smith is having a laugh.