Microsoft Profits Now Ever So Slightly Less Obscene

Microsoft has stunned the worlds of IT and finance today with the shock announcement that it will eliminate 5,000 of its corporate minions worldwide, as Bill Gates is down to his last $47bn. The hapless drones are the first to be actively sacrificed in the corporation's history.

Although the majority of PC buyers are made to pay for Microsoft's bloated, hectoring operating system whether they want it or not, saddled with their crashy, slow and hack-prone internet browser and rarely taught to use any software not produced by Microsoft at school or work, in the last three months of 2008 the struggling corporation's net profit barely cleared the $4bn breadline.

"Just because we have a near-monopoly in personal and business computing, along with a vast chunk of the lucrative console market, doesn't mean your dearly-loved friend Microsoft couldn't just collapse overnight," warned chief executive Steve Ballmer, wiping away a tear with a piece of the Turin Shroud. "I implore you to consider the dire consequences that would follow. No more bug-fixes for Vista, no more emergency patches for Internet Explorer, no more closing of loopholes exploited by hackers. If we go down, I assure you, we're taking the whole damned world with us. Give us more money. Now."

"And Mac users can wipe those self-satisfied grins off their smug faces, too," he added. "Without our investment propping it up, Apple goes down the pan approximately three seconds after we do."

An angry Bill Gates - furious that any reduction in his net worth could hinder his dream of creating a chart-topping supergroup from clones of Elvis Presley, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix and Mozart - was later reported to be hurling thunderbolts from his mountain lair, in an effort to persuade every man, woman and child on Earth to add to the £153.96 they have each already donated to his company and obscene personal wealth.

'Use Our Leaky, Rotten Browser Or Face The Consequences', Microsoft tells Web Users

Computer software giant Microsoft has urged net users to ignore the advice of internet security experts, who have strongly urged people to use alternatives to  Internet Explorer until Microsoft pull their fingers out of their arses and get around to fixing the browser's latest security flaw.

The latest in a never-ending catalogue of security breaches is said to mainly affect IE7, though Microsoft admitted that all versions were at risk from a trojan virus which - as usual - exploits yet another undocumented flaw in the browser to steal the user's passwords.

"Our research shows that the majority of PC owners are sheep-like morons who automatically use Internet Explorer without thinking, thanks to our highly-successful policies of filling schools with our heavily-discounted software and bribing the media with freebies to write cheerily uncritical puff-pieces on our product launches," said a Microsoft spokesman. "However, some smart-arsed heretics out there use rebel browsers like Firefox and Chrome, which aren't illegal but should be. Our constant fear is that one day the world will wake up and realise that non-Microsoft products might actually be as good as - or indeed better than - ours. Now here's God - and I warn you, he's not happy."

The scowling face of Bill Gates then appeared on every screen in the world to tell web users that their personal details were already common knowledge to dodgy computer frauds, and that if any disloyal traitor should use a non-Microsoft browser and subsequently wake up one morning to find their hard drive mysteriously full of underage porn and their house full of insane vigilantes wielding meat-cleavers, he certainly wouldn't lose any sleep over it.

The Gates of Hell

Multi-squillionaire St Bill Gates is stepping down today from the day-to-day running of Microsoft, the world’s largest software company.

Media organisations around the world united in their hymns of praise to the 52-year-old uber-nerd. As a teenager, St Bill claims, he had a vision of a personal computer on every desk in the home, rather than the usual visions which preoccupy most other teenage boys - which are, ironically, more readily available to them than ever before thanks to St Gates’ computer vision.

St Bill’s business methods have long been a source of inspiration to millions of dullards on the bottom rungs of management. Briefly, the Gates formula for mega-success is this:

1. Ensure that you are born to wealthy parents.

2. Take a good look at someone else’s hard work – for example, an obscure programming language called BASIC that has been around for a few years. Twiddle with it slightly. Persuade a huge corporate giant such as IBM to buy your version. Spend the next quarter of a century encouraging everyone to believe that you created it all yourself.

3. Take a good look at someone else’s hard work – for example, an obscure operating system called QDOS. Using some of the cash generated previously, acquire the company that developed it. Twiddle with it slightly. Change its name. Persuade your IBM chums to buy your version. Spend the next quarter of a century encouraging everyone to believe that you created it all yourself.

St Gates will retain his position as chairman of Microsoft, where he will work on special projects - thought to include building an enormous base inside a remote island volcano, cloning a midget version of himself and acquiring exclusive rights to every language ever spoken. He will also devote more time to charity work, especially whenever the word ‘monopoly’ is mentioned.