Saturday, 5 November 2011

Daily Mail Demands Dangerous Frogs Act For Snarling Sarkozy

The Daily Mail today led calls for Nicolas Sarkozy, the vicious French prime minister, to be kept on a short leash at all times and forced to wear a muzzle – or better still, humanely destroyed – after a unprovoked attack from his savage jaws left poor, vulnerable Britain desperately fighting to save face.

Look at those ugly fangs
The latest incident, in which a snarling Sarkozy suddenly turned on hapless Newsnight economics editor Paul Mason, barking: “You come from an island, so maybe you don’t understand the subtleties of European construction,” follows a previous unprovoked attack on David Cameron, when the animal-loving British PM ill-advisedly tried to shake Sarkozy by the paw and promptly had his head bitten off.

“This frog is clearly dangerous and needs to be forcibly restrained,” thundered the Mail. “If Europe can’t keep its frogs under control, then maybe it is time for the law to step in and outlaw these ghastly creatures completely, or at least teach them to behave like poodles.”

Frog lovers, however, are appalled at the hard line being proposed by the Mail, however.

“The frog in question is constantly being goaded by the badly-behaved little Englander pig-dogs next door, who are constantly yapping and whining and snapping at his heels,” pointed out German frog-fancier Angela Merkel. “Perhaps it would be better if they took the opportunity to shut up for once.”

Friday, 4 November 2011

World Stops Turning For Uncle Stephen Diversion Tragedy

All over the world today, work came to a standstill and streets emptied as billions focused their total attention on Twitter to hear the latest desperate news of the unfolding air-travel disaster crisis affecting their poor old Uncle Stephen Fry.

The universally-revered renaissance man, wit, raconteur, panel game host and bottom connoisseur’s ordeal began in Sydney, where he unsuspectingly boarded a doomed Qantas A380 Airbus. Halfway from its scheduled fateful stopover in Singapore on the way to the UK, however, disaster struck as one of the enormous flying deathtrap’s engines suddenly shut down horrifically – forcing the hapless pilot to make a life-or-death consultation of the manual about whether to land at Dubai or risk flying on safely on just three engines.

Really? How incredibly interesting
Tweeting frantically from his first-class seat via his faithful iPad, the terrified polymath heroically issued a frantic battery of updates on his unfolding ordeal to a shocked world. “Bugger,” he tweeted mellifluously, as he revealed his awful plight. “Forced to land in Dubai. An engine has decided not to play.”

With humanity now fully alerted to the crisis, thanks to his BBC employers clearing the schedules for non-stop coverage, a collective gasp echoed around the globe at his next desperate but exquisitely-worded communication: “My flight. Still on board. Not sure of [sic] we'll be bussed to the airport lounges or kept aboard while they work on it. Mnaah.”

As tragedy upon tragedy unfolded on the tarmac in Dubai, the undisputed master of verbal dexterity wailed plaintively: “Oh Jesus arsemothering fuck. I've left my wallet on the sodding plane. Hell's teeth this really isn't my day… I'm going to be siting [sic] here for ever and ever and ever… That's it. I'm fucked. Seriously fucked… It's at times like this a man considers taking up smoking again. Possibly with heroin, crack and MDMA mixed in & all washed down with vodka… Hurrah! I seem to have made Gulf News.”

Uncle Stephen’s appalling ordeal was finally ended five hours ago when panicking Qantas officials finally realised who he was, and decided his unendurable distress was sufficiently interesting to transfer him to an Emirates flight to London - where teams of trauma counsellors are waiting to help him as he tentatively attempts to pick up the tattered threads of his brutally shattered life.

Kiddy-Fiddler Palace Not Really A Proper Country, Suggests Ireland

Ireland has belatedly realised that Vatican City - the ancient sanctuary for sex-starved old pervs who want you to agree that touching another man’s bottom is an unpardonable abomination, but molesting small children is just a minor embarrassment – might not actually be a bona fide country at all, as it announces the closure of its embassy in a wing of the vast palace whose cellars and corridors are overflowing with the Pope’s looted riches.

Ireland's guide to how to spot a country
"This is really bad for the Vatican because Ireland is the first big Catholic country to do this, and because of what Catholicism means in Irish history," said a Vatican diplomatic source in a big red dress. “Er… not the history of serial child abuse we cheerfully covered up for decades. I mean getting rid of all those snakes, eternal damnation for divorcees - you know, the good stuff.”

The Irish government, for its part, insists that the embassy closure has been ordered purely on cost grounds - further irritating the Vatican, which is proud of its vital role in promoting civilised human values such as damning women for the wicked sin of thinking about family planning, or displaying the divine spirit of Christian forgiveness towards priests who, it insists, are understandably led astray by the constant, shameless flaunting of smooth young bottoms by sinful children entrusted to their pastoral care.

Experts believe it can only be a matter of time before the God tells the Pope to retaliate, by pastorally excommunicating the republic until it comes crawling back in a suitably chastened spirit of repentance with an offering of tempting, fresh young winkies.

Thursday, 3 November 2011

Half Of Britain Wants The Other Half Put In Cages

The older half of the UK population thinks the younger half are blood-drenched psychopaths, every last one of them, and ought to be clapped in irons immediately and left in dungeons to rot, according to research imagined today.

This is what they're all like, you know
“There’s one of them horrible young drug-addicts now, lurking behind the bakery counter and grinning like a wanking Jap,” gasped frail Edna Potter, 92, one of the 2,000 people surveyed by children’s charity Barnardo’s. “Have you got one of them wireless telewhatnots? Could I trouble you to call the police? I don’t want any of them young hooligans with guns, mind, they’ll shoot you as soon as give you the time of day.”

“What hope is there for childhood in the UK today if this is how adults think?” commented Anne Marie Harakiri, chief executive of Barnardo’s. “We seem to have forgotten the fact that most children have only killed once or twice, and usually because their victims goad them into it by asking them to tidy their room or go to school or something.”

“We aren't asking people to put up with being beaten to death by five-year-olds, but we do need to change our attitudes towards troubled children,” she added. “But in the meantime, you can always leave the vicious little fuckers to rot in one of the many secure child dumps we are proud to operate in partnership with Serco.”

Fan Makes Outrageous Claim About Justin Bieber’s Little Pink Winky

The baby certainly looks uncannily like Bieber (pictured)
A female fan has filed a bizarre allegation that Justin Bieber’s cute little winky somehow got her pregnant, fuelling wild speculation that Canada’s sensational singing baby has somehow reached puberty.

Clutching her baby outside the San Diego Superior Court, 20-year-old Mariah Yeater told reporters she had innocently played a game of doctors and nurses with the child superstar in his backstage playpen after a concert in 2010.

Bieber’s lawyers, however, insist that there is absolutely no indication that Bieber’s testicles have begun their slow descent towards his groin, adding that their young client still has no idea where babies come from and his post-gig relaxation involves shooting at his support band with a nerf gun.

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

The Martyrdom Of St Julian (continued)

The forces of darkness took another brutal potshot at the long-suffering St Julian of Assange today, as Mr Justice Pentagon-Bilderberg cruelly refused to accept the acclaimed prophet of truth’s legal argument that his wandering penis is secretly being controlled by an unholy alliance consisting of President Obama, MI5, the Elders of Zion and a lizard-being from the eighth dimension.
The suffering of St Julian
The bewigged corporate slave of the High Court slavishly refused St Julian’s claim that the Swedish fannies he poked were in fact operating under secret orders from the shadow world government to wrap themselves around his spotless leakiwick, and that as such he had been raped by the Establishment.

“Let he who is without sin cast 250,000 stones all over the internet,” commented the indomitable holy man afterwards. “But first, let the faithful strive to raise a stack of cash to overcome the Satanic intrigues of Visa and Mastercard, who are completely controlled by bad microwaves emanating from a Jewish flying saucer captured and operated by the US government.”

St Julian is now understood to be considering an appeal on a point of law, namely that since no law on the statute books specifically mentions him by name, therefore no law applies to him.

Nev Filter Hastily Sealing Letterbox Before Inviting Prophet Mohammed To Make Tea

Your support is appreciated
Satirical newsblog The Nev Filter is expected to announce that it will be inviting the Prophet Mohammed to be the office teaboy, shortly after its editor has finished spraying mastic around the flap of his letterbox.

Peering anxiously through the spyhole in his front door, the editor – who is also the Nev Filter’s sole writer, designer and woefully-underachieving publicist – explained to himself that his controversial decision was being made in solidarity with French satirical magazine Charlie Abominable, whose offices were destroyed today by a petrol bomb after it told its readers that the venerated founder of Islam would be its next guest editor.

“Obviously, I can’t give a production task to somebody who died 1,389 years ago, even if he is the chosen agent of divine action,” explained Nev, as he climbed into a pair of asbestos trousers. “But I think making the tea should be well within the Prophet’s divinely-inspired capabilities, since I only drink coffee.”

"Please don't kill me," he added.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Mystery Surrounds Capture Of Kitten

Authorities are struggling to provide a satisfactory explanation for the violent death of a kitten – which was believed to be Colonel Beauty, stolen from MP John Hemmings’ mistress Emily Cox by his furious wife – after it had been found hiding in a hole in the ground (the Sparkhill district of Birmingham).

Barely hours after the media flashed the exciting news of the fugitive’s capture to a grateful world, with his supposed captor proudly brandishing a golden collar for the cameras, disturbing images started appearing on the internet showing the apparently insensible kitten being dragged through the dusty, crowded streets. The pictures were swiftly followed, however, by confused announcements that Colonel Beauty was in fact dead – variously attributing his demise to succumbing to leg injuries whilst being inexplicably carted off to Manchester by ambulance, leaping headlong into a hail of bullets that happened to be passing or being beaten to death by enraged songbird-lovers.
A shocking image of sickening brutality
Conspiracy theorists at the Cats’ Protection League are already speculating that the hapless cat may not have been Colonel Beauty at all, but one of his many lookalikes - with the real Colonel still at large and secretly building an army of crazed cat fanatics.

The authorities, meanwhile - at a loss for what to do with the battered body in their possession – have put it in a freezer in a Warrington branch of Morrison’s for public display, while they decide whether to bury it in an unmarked field next to the M6, tie it up in a sack and drop it in the nearest canal, or turn it into a nice pair of gloves as a touching memento for Ms Cox.

Greeks To Be Asked If They Fancy Pay Cuts, Slashed Pensions And Mass Redundancies

The bankruptcy of the eurozone now looks certain, with the announcement that Greek PM George Papandreou plans to ask his people whether they like the sound of losing their public services, their pay, their pensions and their jobs.

A typical Greek floating voter wonders where to cast his vote
“What is fuss about, please? Typical Greek men in streets sure to be admirably sanguine about very important issue, and to put greater good of economic survival of European neighbours before own personal finances,” said a cheerful Mr Papandreou as hordes of furious rioters set about systematically burning Athens to the ground, in the traditional Greek way of voting.

Meanwhile, on the borders of Greece, a small army of worried eurocrats is frantically excavating a vast trench linking the Ionian and Aegean Seas, hoping to open the floodgates at each end and claim that Greece is not really a European country at all, but part and parcel of the Middle East.

Monday, 31 October 2011

Enraged Guardian-Reading Mob Decapitates Power-Mad Charles

Infuriated by an exclusive in today’s Guardian which told them that Prince Charles has secretly been running Britain according to his personal whim for the last five years, a baying mob of middle-class lefties stormed the gates of Clarence House, brusquely dragged the hapless heir out of his daily conference with the geraniums and hauled him in fetters to the Banqueting House in Whitehall - where, to rousing cheers, he was promptly beheaded by puritan Guardian editor Alan Rusbridger.

The psychic rose emperor never said anything about this
The republican proletariat had been stirred to fury by the shocking article, which revealed that the Duke of Cornwall, drunk on power, has been vigorously exercising his royal prerogative - enshrined in a loophole in English law – to veto any parliamentary legislation which might conceivably impinge on his divine right to sell cream of mushroom soup in Waitrose at £2.99.

As the grim moralist of Fleet Street raised his axe, the doomed royal touchingly uttered his last words: “Let not poor Millie run out of fags.”

“The tyrant is dead! Long live the republic!” piped up one raddled old crone (Polly Toynbee), the besandalled multitude taking up the clarion call as it marched on Westminster to bear the good news to Parliamentarian leader David Cameron along with some rather awesome organic hummus.

nPower Customers Celebrate £2m Ofgem Fine They’ll End Up Paying

Long-suffering customers of nPower say they are delighted with the £2m fine which will be added to their eye-watering bills, after industry regulator Ofgem fined the energy supplier for its blatant mistreatment of complaints.

These things don't fall out of cornflakes packets, you know
“Last year we only made a token £245m,” sobbed nPower’s chief commercial officer, Kevin Piles. “As a result, we were sadly forced to increase our profit margins from paltry £1.50 per customer to a very reasonable £9. This swingeing £2m fine completely wipes out that modest gain, probably, so I’m afraid we’ll just have to pass it straight on to our customers.”

“If anyone’s got a problem with that,” he added, “Please feel free to write to us and we’ll bung your complaints straight into a furnace at one of our coal-fired power stations. That’ll keep our costs down a bit.”

Sunday, 30 October 2011

Mail On Sunday Launches Pre-Emptive Strike On Europe

After uncovering incontrovertible proof in the head of rentahistorian Dominic Sandbrook that sneaky Europe has drawn up plans for the brutal conquest and enslavement of the plucky English master race in 2018, the Mail on Sunday has fearlessly declared war on the hated continent - hurling its dreaded columns against the evil European superstate even as a traitorous Nick Clegg pathetically waved a worthless piece in the Observer, in which he feebly claimed that the scheming dictatorship was solely interested in restoring its historic finances.
The top-secret Euro invasion plan the Mail uncovered in Dominic Sandbrook's head
“Time is running out for Cameron, boys!” urged Brigadier Nick Deadwood, spearheading the Mail’s Own Fact-Lite Infantry division as it marched heroically aboard the Eurostar 08:26 at St Pancras. “He must act damned fast to exploit the EU’s weakness to British advantage. Cameron can do this. We will soon find out if he will. If he won’t, then it is surely time to tell him: ‘You have sat too long here for any good you have been doing. Depart, I say, and let us have done with you. In the name of God, go!’ We can then recall our much-mocked visionary editor, Paul Dacre, from the political wilderness and offer him the honour of stirring our proud empire to victory.”

Leading the paper’s 1st Airhead Division onto their waiting Easyjet transport, Colonel Mathew Irriott blithered: "To kick off the war, here is the list of demands which I think should be jolly well taken by force to the negotiating table. It is not exhaustive, but it’s a start: 1. Rejecting the unspeakably foreign European credo of ‘peace in Europe’… well, I think that’ll do for starters, what? I might come up with a couple more on the way over, when I’ve got my head back up in the clouds.”