Nobody Threatening To Kill Anyone For Wanting $100k Handbag

After receiving death threats for hacking a $100,000 Hermes Birkin handbag apart with a chainsaw and setting fire to it on her reality TV show, Clint Eastwood’s daughter Franscesca says she is still no closer to discovering why nobody has been marked for death for wanting to waste $100,000 on one in the first place.

Hoo-ee, gals, we's gonna have us a lynchin'!

“Ma paw blowed millions to keep Sondra Locke a-hangin’ on his arm, but wun’t nobody tol’ him he was gonna die for it,” pouted the 18-year-old model. “An’ hell, she could be -and was - comprehensively out-acted by a goddam gibberin’ monkey. Reckon them death threats is a-comin’ from jealous Hermes customers who done staked their claim on these here bags an’ are still waitin’ on a delivery.”

Mr Eastwood, meanwhile, vowed to track down the low-down dirty scum who threatened his purty daughter and bring them to justice.

“I know what you’re thinking,” he sneered. “Being as this is a $100k Hermes, the most power-dressing handbag in the world, and would blow your neighbours clean away, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel needy? Well, do ya, punk?”

Thrilling New British Chart-Topping Acts Revealed

Easily pleased

1 (-) Polly & Wally Doodle All The Day
A pensioner plays a Draw Something marathon with his parrot!
2 (-) Hello Kitty Bang Bang
Unbelievably cute toddler and her drumming cat!
3 (-) Tulips From Hamster Dan
Heartwarming origami from a schoolboy and his lovable rodent!
4 (-) Bunny & Cher
Stadium-filling anthems re-imagined - with a floppy-eared rabbit!  
5 (-) Engelbert Humpback
Whalesong for Europe!
6 (-) Chris Morris Mynah
Subversive satirical interviewer ridicules a talking crow!
7 (-) Zac’s Goldfish
Loads of Guardian-friendly old carp from the greenwashing Tory rich kid!  
8 (-) Pitbull Of Hollow
Miserable old Morrissey comes out fighting with a macho makeover!
9 (-) Para Tiddles
The brave lads of the 3rd Parachute Regiment leap out of the back of a Hercules with their little tabby mascot and a smoke canister!
10 (-) Spanish Fly
Michael Portillo and his raunchy lapdancing bluebottle! (Parental Advisory)

Fire Hose Up Arse Makes Cowell’s Dead Eyes Revolve Like Fruit-Machine Reels

Cowell's enema face

According to the must-read book serialisation of the century, brought to a grateful and eager nation by the Sun, Simon Cowell’s soulless cadaver is routinely reanimated by the appliance of high-pressure water hoses to the rectum of his decaying corpse.

“Every Saturday morning we receive a hoarse, rasping call from beyond, requesting the urgent services of a water appliance at a residential property in West London,” explained a spokesman for the London Fire Brigade. “It may seem a gross misuse of our resources to pump 600psi up Simon Cowell’s jacksie until laser beams shoot out of his eyes, but the lads have checked the small print of their employment contracts and, technically, bringing the Lord of TV Darkness back from the underworld counts as a lifesaving act.”

“Our crews were never trained to handle a situation as traumatic as this. The chief’s recommending the poor buggers for bravery medals,” he said, adding: “If Cowell kept a Minogue handy in a glass case, he wouldn’t need our help at all.”

ITV Launches ‘Celebrity Knocking Shop’

The Saturday evening ratings war today entered a frightening new ‘shock and awe’ phase, with ITV bosses hoping to smash BBC1’s The Arse with Simon Cowell’s ultra-raunchy, no-holes-barred Celebrity Knocking Shop.

“The idea first came to me in 2007, as I was surreptitiously working my hand up Dannii Minogue in front of ten million viewers while Leon Jackson got her in the mood,” explained TV’s leading starfucker. “I thought to myself, ‘Crikey, we could get a fantastic climax if the desk suddenly fell away.’ I’m sure Dannii would have been up for it, although I never actually spoke to her about it.”

Mr Cowell and a fearsome-looking sex toy

“I never spoke to her at all, actually,” he added. “Her irritating yap would only have distracted me from coating her hair, her sexy clothes and her rubber tits with ‘Simon’s wonder drops’.”

Cowell later researched the potential of his new ratings magnet, he revealed proudly, by wearing Cheryl Cole as a cocksleeve in front of Natalie Imbruglia and handing her a questionnaire.

Deluded members of the public will be invited to sing, dance and play piano on Celebrity Knocking Shop in order to inflate Mr Cowell’s sack to bursting point, whilst he bangs his way through the celebrity C-list.

A defiant BBC spokesman later commented that Tom Jones was definitely up for tugging furiously at ‘Little Tom’ whilst imagining naked showbiz novices gyrating lasciviously behind him.

“In fact, he’s been doing it for weeks already,” he elaborated.

Tulisa Sex Tape Gives Cowell Worst Idea Yet

Ahem

The sex tape of X-Factor judge Tulisa Cuntostavlos which, by the damnedest coincidence, happened to surface on the internet just in time for the launch of her debut solo single is disappointingly shonky, but nevertheless a bloody good reason to keep her on the panel, says TV overlord Satan Cowell - adding that it has inspired him to develop an entirely new format which will further hasten his carefully-planned apocalypse.

“I urge every bird who is fit as fuck, at least in her own little mind, to send me her sex tape,” leered the unholy multi-millionaire who has somehow gained complete mastery of the world’s tellies. “The most disgusting – and I do mean that in every possible sense of the word – will result in an invitation to debase yourself live on stage in my latest masterpiece of broadcasting, The XXX Factor.”

The Cowell thing is already recruiting a judging panel of drooling Z-list has-beens whose careers have reached the point at which they will actually be glad of the opportunity to pollute themselves into a communal bucket for the amusement of idiots.

“Noel Edmonds is quite keen,” he smirked. “Half a pint keen so far, in fact, and he hasn't even seen any tapes yet.”

A spokesman for Ofcom, the body which is nominally responsible for maintaining some sort of standards on TV, said: “On the one hand this is the worst kind of cynical exploitation of human folly, the merest channel-hopping glimpse of which will surely degrade and corrupt viewers into a state of permanent imbecility. On the other hand our demon lord has decreed it. So it’ll be on ITV, seven o’clock tomorrow evening. Don’t miss it.”

‘Now What Am I Supposed To Have Done?’ Demands Cock-Waving Eamonn Holmes

Waddling TV disaster area Eamonn Holmes is demanding guidance on what the fuck he actually can do live on television nowadays, after causing red faces at ITV by whipping ‘little Eamonn’ out, waving the wizened appendage at a self-confessed sex addict on This Morning this morning and inviting her to satisfy her craving forever by impaling herself on it.

A sweating press officer later stammered: “Eamonn's question was in the context of a wider balanced and frank interview – no, really - and he insists he has had no complaints.”

Beirut, where all the lesbians come from

The on-air faux pas is the latest in a series of Holmesian gaffes. His previous ground-breaking daytime TV firsts include: telling a rape victim she ought to be bloody grateful to be getting it at all with a face like hers; kicking actor Jonathan Wilkes around the studio for being “a spacky mong fuckwit”; and – through what he claimed later to be “an honest misunderstanding” - urging half-Lebanese guest Salma Hayek to rub baby oil into her mouth-watering breasts and insert a selection of vegetables up co-host Ruth Langsford, whilst he pleasured himself furiously on the sofa.

Holmes later justified his performance on Twitter, saying: “We all make mistakes. But I’m paid to.”

People Who Wanted To Win Contest Happy About Winning Contest

Some young women who entered a contest on telly hoping to win it said today that they were very pleased to have won it, according to all news media today.

The pinnacle of human achievement

Not in other headlines:

Britain Launches Nuclear Arsenal At Europe

World War 3 Kicks Off In Russia, Syria, DR Congo, Ivory Coast, Egypt, Somalia, South China Sea

Everyone Made Redundant

Civilisation Collapses

Downton Abbey Not Inspiring Public To Call For End To Class System

Let the right one in

No MPs are demanding changes to Britain’s quaintly archaic class system today, reflecting no public concerns raised by watching ITV’s Downton Abbey.

“You know, I’d never really thought about the absurdity of socio-hierarchical divisions based solely on the circumstances into which people happen to be born,” mused Downton addict Jane Prole, “And I’m certainly not going to think about it now.”

“It’s a shame shop assistants don’t call you sir or madam nowadays,” she pondered, whilst considering whether or not she could afford the DVD box set.

Dr Who Arrested As A Counter-Revolutionary

A familiar face will be teaching the Doctor all about The Long March

Veteran time-traveller and enemy of the revolution Dr Who has been detained by the People’s Republic of China for three months, during which he will be forcibly re-educated, announced officials at China’s state TV regulator. The Time Lord’s TARDIS has been impounded by the state and will not be returned on his release, he confirmed, adding that the Doctor’s future travel requirements would be accommodated by a standard-issue bicycle.

“Time travel is not mentioned at all in the writings of Karl Marx or Chairman Mao, and is therefore counter-revolutionary,” explained Ouyang Lina of Oriental TV. “Overseas operatives swooped on this notorious enemy of the state last week, after assassinating his former lackey Sarah Jane Smith, met police detectives on arrival in China and took him to a re-education centre – where they were all detained together, as the glorious people’s government has also designated spies and crime investigators as capitalist running-dogs.”

The Doctor’s friends, a Mr & Mrs Williams of Leadworth, are understood to have travelled to America in the hope of persuading Dr Sam Beckett to come out of retirement and bounce around history at random until he finally arrives in China in the present, where they hope he will formulate some crazy ad-hoc escape plan with the aid of his best friend, a hologram.

Meanwhile, worried leaders of Earth’s other governments have sent a radio message into space, declaring the planet to be under strict quarantine following a terrifying outbreak of the space runs.

Dirty Des Ensures One Household Will Be Watching Channel 5

Yes, it's the return of the thing that will not die

In a desperate bid to influence the viewing habits of at least one house in the UK, Richard Desmond’s Channel 5 has bought the rights to axed reality show Big Brother for two years, the viewer-free station announced today.

“There will be a few fucking minor fucking changes to Big Brother’s fucking tired format,” explained Mr Desmond. “First, every fucking room will have a fucking TV in the fucking wall, safely installed behind a fucking bulletproof glass screen, showing Channel fucking 5’s exciting diet of Top fucking Gear rejects and films that went fucking straight to fucking video. I’ll get the fucking audience ratings up into single fucking figures if it fucking kills me.”

“Secondly, instead of talking to Big fucking Brother, housemates will fucking take turns in what used to be the fucking Diary Room to talk about wanking to solitary Daily fucking Express-reading saddoes in their fucking 40s who call the onscreen fucking premium-rate chatline number at a pound a fucking minute,” he added with a salacious drool.

“Fucking finally,” slobbered Britain’s cut-price Murdoch wannabe, “Items of fucking clothing will be removed every fucking day until, by the last fucking week, all the fucking contestants are wandering about fucking starkers. If that doesn’t fucking breathe new fucking life into the fucking thing, I’m a fucking Nazi.”

Nation To Spend World Book Night Glued To BBC2

Britain is today looking forward to a nice relaxing evening in front of the telly, with viewers eagerly watching programmes telling them all they could ever want to know about the joys of literature.

Or you can listen to it while you're washing your pants

BBC2’s helpful contribution to World Book night kicks off with a short film showing the printing and distribution of a million free books which, by staying at home, they will not be receiving. Next, intellectual heavyweight Sue from TV’s Mel and Sue will go to Agatha Christie’s lovely house and visit a racetrack with the son of Dick Francis in a sterling effort to find out whether they preferred word-processing on Macs or PCs.

The next page-turning instalment of a gripping evening will see leading critics asked whether they think the boring old novel has finally had its day. Each will in turn put on their most ironic face when delivering to camera the line, “Er – um - not at all - um - no.”

Finally, in the highlight of the magnificently booky evening, viewers will be spared the effort of dragging a finger through a doorstop full of tedious long words thanks to the mercifully short film adaptation of ‘Brideshead Revisited’, written by somebody or other. They will then go to bed, where they will fall asleep comparing it unfavourably with Downton Abbey.

Look, Now You’ve Made Phillip Schofield Sad

Aww, wook at his sad witow eyes

ITV viewers were branded ‘cruel’ today by a protective Ofcom, after their complaints about something said by one twerp to another on some shit skating show upset dear little Phillip Schofield, 48.

2,000 of the sort of creature that watches ITV instead of enjoying the only life it’s got jammed switchboards with their sub-lingual bleating on Saturday night, after a thing called Karen Barber said something petty and spiteful about a thing called Jason Gardiner, after the Gardiner thing had cynically attempted to award points based on a newbie skater’s actual performance rather than his VC.

When poor little Phillip – who may or may not have something to do with the ratings-whoring undertaking, as if it matters – heard about the complaints, bless his little cotton socks, he poured his little heart out on Twitter.

“It’s crazy,” wailed the nicest little chap in television. “I like Auntie Karen lots, and I like Uncle Jason lots too. Will they really have to be put in the stocks next week and pelted with rotten cabbages? I don’t understand when people get cross, and now I’m all upset.”

Ofcom later confirmed that it would be investigating the nasty, horrid complainants, with a view to banning them from owning a television until they learn to say only nice things about people in future.

Jeremy Clarkson Do Bad Thing

Wah

Frizzy man on telly do bad thing, wailed millions of viewers who have reverted to a state of childish innocence for the duration of festive season, after being left deeply traumatised by a mock drive-by shooting of the Stig by the presenters of the first of two Tiny Penis Specials.

BBC switchboards have been jammed with the outraged sobs of wives and girlfriends, who claim their child-like enjoyment of Christmas has been ruined by the stupid prank as their tiny-cocked partners forced them to watch Jeremy Clarkson, James May and their hamster take pot-shots at a cardboard cut-out of the mystery racing driver who won a court battle to reveal his identity in a book earlier in the year.

“The frizzy man drived up in his car and he pointed his nasty gun at the helmet man and he went bang with it and there was a big hole in the helmet man’s head and I was scared and did a poo,” cried little Sue Hart, 34.

“my daughter samijoe says its alrigth cos its not like a reel man reely its just pretend,” emailed Michelle Hoskins, 25. “but i scremed and hid in my room my spechal frend dave just sat on the sofer and lafed and did a big smelly bottom noys hes not my freind any more im not hideing the sosige with him any moor this crismas so he can go away and play with himself until janiury”.

The BBC’s Head of Entertainment And Events, Katie Taylor, later issued a statement saying she had just about had enough of that nonsense and if viewers didn’t calm down RIGHT NOW then Father Christmas would take their bloody presents straight back to the North bloody Pole, then stamped off to the kitchen to have a fag.

Channel 4 Keen To Prove Its Existence With Footage Of Frankie Boyle Crapping Satirically Into Ethnic Child’s Wheelchair

And tonight he's going to fuck your mum in the name of comedy

The long-forgotten Channel 4 is mounting an increasingly desperate campaign to remind viewers that it still exists, by threatening to air live footage of unwanted ginger child Frankie Boyle stamping around the streets of London in an attempt to outrage everybody he meets.

“Believe it or not, Channel 4 is still here, still broadcasting away merrily to itself and still hacking away at the cutting edge of television,” ranted some cokehead nobody with a very expensive pair of glasses, who insisted he was its Head of Comedy. “But you probably fucking missed last night’s fantastic airing of Frankie’s satire masterpiece, ‘Rohypnol Nights’ - in which he hilariously told a little piccaninny with leukaemia to fuck off and kicked some blind wog bint under a passing bus – because you were watching some boring old toss like the Goodies, you provincial brain-dead cunts.”

“If you have the rudimentary intelligence to find us on your digital boxes, don’t miss Jimmy Carr pissing into a quadraplegic ex-serviceman’s eyes on Christmas Day,” he added. “It’s funny in an incredibly sophisticated way, even if you’re all too bloody repressed to appreciate it. And please, please help to spread the word that we’re still here by visiting our website, typing your name into the Outraged Viewer letter and clicking the ‘email to every Tory MP’ link. We need the publicity.”

“Shitty Christmas, everybody, and we wish you all AIDS in the New Year!” he added waggishly.

Michael McIntyre Seeks Last Few People Not Yet Irritated By Patronising Smugness

Why is there never a bus around when you need one?

The world’s most inexplicable stand-up comedy success, Michael McIntyre, is joining the panel of professional irritants on ITV’s brain-dead freak show, Britain’s Not Talent, in his personal quest to annoy the living shit out of the last few people in Britain who have not yet enjoyed the pleasure of imagining his insufferably smug act ending prematurely under a hail of blunt and satisfyingly heavy objects.

“Michael McIntyre has a rare talent for inspiring undying hatred in everyone who has ever endured his snobbish, patronising travesty of a stand-up performance,” his agent, Satan, told reporters. “There isn’t one panel show that hasn’t been permanently blighted by his smarmy hamster face with its huge, permanently-arched eyebrows and his arrogant, condescending attempts at wit.”

“Anyone with an ounce of self-respect already loathes Michael’s supercilious aura of supreme self-satisfaction,” he added, “Which is why, in order to complete the challenge I set him and complete his own franchised branch of hell on earth, his last remaining task is a judging spot on my favourite son Simon Cowell’s God-forsaken idiot parade.”

In his wholly unnecessary career spanning eleven long years, only the Daily Mail now rivals Mr MacIntyre for uniting the British people in a collective desire to see the Home Counties smitten forever from the face of the earth by pestilence, flood or nuclear disaster.

“As a precaution, prior to each show Amanda Holden will be subjected to a full body search for concealed hammers, frying pans and wellies before she is allowed to sit within striking distance of him,” added Satan. “I’m pretty sure her soul is mine now, but there’s no need to take any chances.”

TV Religion Debate Lost By Satan

Hmm... tough one

A televised debate in Canada on the topic of religion has resulted in a decisive win by atheist Christopher Hitchens against former British prime minister, Satan.

Satan - who surprised few in 2007 by publicly embracing Catholicism - opened the debate by claiming that faith was a force for good, and said it was “futile” to try to drive it out.

Mr Hitchens, however, pointed out that Satan was well-known to the entire world as the Father of Lies, and rested his case.

The Prince of Darkness fiendishly attempted to snare his opponent by suggesting that, simply by acknowledging his own unholy presence in the studio, he was accepting the truth of an eternal struggle for the souls of mankind by two opposing supernatural entities.

“Oh no you don’t,” retorted Mr Hitchens. “Any rational human being can see that behind that urbane grin lurks the unspeakable embodiment of evil incarnate, Tony Blair.”

BBC Director-General Warns Cuts May Prevent Future Legal Battles To Protect Identity Of Car Driver

Protecting this man's identity: priceless

The director-general of the BBC, Mark Thompson, has warned that the upcoming talks on the future of the TV licence fee may jeopardise the aura of mystique surrounding the identity of a man who drives cars around in circles for Jeremy Clarkson’s pleasure.

“Right now the BBC is running up eye-watering legal fees in fighting Rupert Murdoch’s HarperCollins in the high court to prevent them from publishing the real name of a man in a crash helmet,” he told dozing reporters in his MacTaggart lecture in Edinburgh. “We can only perform this essential public service because Rupert Murdoch’s BSkyB was singularly unsuccessful in persuading the previous government that the BBC should be shut down immediately for the heinous crime of charging people £145.50 a year for nine TV channels of mostly British content, eight national and 46 regional radio stations plus the World Service, five bloody orchestras and a comprehensive website, and chucking the news in at no extra cost.”

“Sorry if we don’t offer any channels of wall-to-wall football from Kazakhstan, or insultingly patronising documentary channels aimed squarely at people who would rather gnaw their own arms off than read a book,” he added. “But if viewers really want to lop a few bob off the licence fee, I’m sure we can sack David Attenborough and replace him with Vernon Kay.”

Sky Announces Plan To Put You Inside A Television

With the launch of its much-trumpeted 3D-football-with-7.1-THX-surround-vuvuzelas channel now confirmed for October 1st, Sky has announced that it is now working on a surround-vision television that will encase you completely, further enhancing the realistic disappointment-of-seeing-your-team-lose-again experience.

The six-foot cube will feature not one, but six hideously expensive 3D screens, and the enclosed football addict will float freely in 1300 gallons of chilled lager, wearing a special 3D facemask connected to an air tank. It is expected to cost £3 million, plus £20000 a month in subscription fees – although £17,000 of that goes on replenishing the lager, which Sky bosses assure customers is a bonus really, if you think about it.

“It’s not cheap,” admitted one of Britain’s many football addicts, “But nothing should come between me and the beautiful game. Not the wife, not the kids, not the house - nothing.”

Fans who still do not have Rupert Murdoch beaming stupidity into their heads 24 hours a day have been advised that there may be another way to achieve the total right-there-on-the-pitch experience.

“We think it’s at least theoretically possible to form together into ‘clubs’, go to a sports shop, buy a ball and kick it around for 90 minutes,” said a clever man in a laboratory with a clipboard.

‘Mad’ Frankie Fraser Makes Bid For Channel Four

Following the news that Ofcom has abandoned any pretence at guaranteeing the quality of British television by allowing former pornographer and bullying thug Richard Desmond to buy Five, the notorious underworld celebrity ‘Mad’ Frankie Fraser has had himself fired from a trebuchet into the regulator’s Riverside House headquarters in London, carrying a sackful of used fivers to make them an offer for Channel 4 they can’t refuse.

A shaken Ed Richards – CEO of the communications regulator – later emerged from his office with a broken nose and two black eyes to announce that Mr Fraser was exactly the sort of public-spirited philanthropist who could be entrusted with a major TV station, if only Channel 4 was for sale. He begged the government to consider placing the publicly-owned channel on the market, for the sake of his knees.

Mr Desmond, meanwhile, told reporters he would apply all of his experience of running the Daily Express, OK! Magazine, Television X and Red Hot TV to the task of making Five the first TV station to feature daily updates on the death of Princess Diana, at the same time promising exclusive footage of her lookalikes engaging in multi-orgasmic sex with a glittering showcase of third-rate celebrities in exotic locations.

Ranting Killer Offered Place On Jeremy Kyle Show

After the Sun thoughtfully published gunman Raoul Moat’s rambling, self-contradictory letter today, holier-than-thou ITV chav-baiter Jeremy Kyle today issued a promise that the killer could have an entire show to himself in order to talk through his personal issues.

“Raoul Moat is clearly the dream guest for my show,” explained Kyle in a televised appeal. “His absolute refusal to take a shred of responsibility for his actions, coupled with his irrational diatribe against his ex-girlfriend, the police, doctors and anybody who has ever said ‘no’ to him, qualifies him perfectly as a target for the anger and ridicule of people sitting at home on their fat arses when they should be out earning a proper living.”

“According to his tedious 49-page rant, Raoul seems to have got it into his stupid, working-class head that the police deliberately set Samantha Stobbart up with a new boyfriend just to piss him off,” said Kyle’s wishy-washy sidekick, Graham. “That should be good for a sustained round of laughter from the studio audience. And the fact that he shot both of them at point-blank range should raise a satisfyingly loud ‘boo’ lasting several seconds.”

Mr Kyle is reported to be heading for Northumberland with a contract for Moat to sign, under the terms of which the at-bay killer will surrender himself into Kyle’s custody and allow the opinionated non-celebrity to taunt him with scornful cries of “I’m talking, now shut up and listen!” “Oh, my heart bleeds – now stop whining and get a job” and “Whose name is on that wall? Mine”, in return for several weeks of sitting down with a nodding man who has a degree in sociology.

A police spokesman said that the ideal outcome would involve Moat being shot to ribbons by trained marksmen, but if he wanted to blow Mr Kyle’s head off first they’d be happy to hold off for a day or two and let him get on with it.