Saturday, 1 May 2010

Paper Rats Last To Leave Sinking Ship

Two particularly large rats were seen to jump off the foundering wreck of the SS New Labour yesterday and begin paddling frantically in different directions.

With only the stern sticking out of the water, it was thought that there was no hope remaining for any of the souls still on board. However, the rats were seen to squirm through the open porthole of the vessel's radio room and drop into the murky, swirling waters, leaving only one rat to go down with the ship and its stubborn master.

The first rat, The Guardian, swam in circles for a few minutes before heading for the nearby SS Liberal Democrat, which has already taken off most of the survivors of the New Labour. It was fished out of the water by crewmen, wrapped in a hand-knitted Fairtrade sweater and taken to the bridge to meet Captain Clegg, whom it promptly hailed as the hero of the hour.

"When the New Labour's Captain Blair jumped overboard, leaving the ship's purser in charge, many of the passengers expressed misgivings," said the shivering rat. "But I decided back then to throw my weight behind the new acting captain, despite the black clouds looming on the horizon.

"With hindsight, perhaps I should have noticed that Captain Blair and his entire crew were only qualified to sail in fine weather. Nobody checked the radar, and when the sea started to get choppy Captain Brown didn't even batten down the hatches or cancel the deck games. He attempted to restore confidence by throwing all the ballast overboard, but that only made us more queasy. Even when the ship started going down by the head, he was still on the poop deck, rearranging the deckchairs in the teeth of a raging thunderstorm."

The bedraggled rat was taken to the Liberal Democrat's unusually-crowded lounge to be reunited with the New Labour's first-class passengers, who took to the lifeboats in panic when the doomed ship tore its bottom open on a well-known bank.

The other rat, The Times, was picked up by a helicopter chartered by the billionaire philanthropist Rupert Murdoch, who had booked a first-class stateroom on the New Labour's maiden voyage but never actually set foot on the doomed vessel.

Many people expressed surprise that the rat had remained aboard the New Labour until the last minute, as it had been sending out critical signals for some time.

"Captain Brown pleaded that somebody had to stay behind to broadcast a final Mayday message," explained the shivering rat later, aboard Mr Murdoch's sleek yacht, as cabin boy Cameron brought him a tot of rum. "But with the water flooding into the radio room, I decided it was time to join my brother The Sun, who cast off weeks ago in a rubber dinghy. But I thought it best to stay aboard for as long as possible, because somebody had to let the world know how bad things were getting."

Rescuers say there is little hope for the elderly passengers in steerage, most of whom booked years before the New Labour was even laid down, hoping for the dream voyage of a lifetime.

Prescott the steward - who disappeared into his cabin some time ago with a bottle of whisky - has lately been seen staggering around the ship, together with the last rat, The Daily Mirror, trying to reassure those remaining that the ship was still maintaining its original course. Tragically, many of the doddering old paupers believed the humble rating was one of the officers, even as the foolhardy Captain Blair was recklessly steering them into uncharted waters.

Now, with only the purser remaining above decks, loudly cursing the passengers for his predicament, salvage experts fear that the once-gleaming cruise vessel will soon be a total write-off.

"Fortunately, thanks to Purser Brown giving us the entire contents of the ship's locker and bundling us into the first lifeboat away, at least we won't be going down with the ship," said a spokesman for Lloyds. "Unlike him."

Friday, 30 April 2010

Tory Won Leadership Debate, Say Polls of Tory Papers' Tory Readers

Britain's Tory media today published incontrovertible proof that several of their Tory readers say they will definitely be voting Tory after watching David Cameron's statesmanlike performance in the final Leadership Show last night.

"Make no mistake," said the Times, "When eleven of our readers phone our highly-scientific poll hotline to say that they would vote Conservative if the only candidate was a dog's bum with a blue rosette, Those shamefaced losers Clegg and Brown can forget about any lingering hopes they may harbour of forming a weak coalition. David Cameron is going into Number Ten with a huge working majority."

Apple: You Can't Run Flash Clips Because You're So Superior To PC-Owning Scum

Insufferable pricks who think they're better than you because they paid over the odds for an electronic toy with an Apple logo found out today that the reason they can't watch Flash clips on their electronic toys is because they're better than you.

"Your IPod, iPad or iPhone won't run Flash because that comes from the age of PCs and mice, i.e. now," smirked Apple's head prick, Steve Jobs. "Even if we permitted you to let yourselves down by allowing Flash on our gorgeous products, they would run poorly. That's because your Apple device would be having serious second thoughts about whether you deserved to own it, and certainly not because the hardware inside the sleek, desirable casing is in any way inadequate for simple, everyday tasks."

Insufferable Apple owners nodded sagely on reading Mr Jobs' open letter, satisfied that their inability to watch half the internet was further incontrovertible proof of their aesthetic purity.

Thursday, 29 April 2010

Shock As Voters Discover Gordon Brown May Not Be The Kind, Caring Saint We All Thought He Was

Britain exploded in fury yesterday, after discovering to its horror that prime minister Gordon Brown may have a grumpy side to his normally sunny disposition.

A dear, sweet little old lady on her way to buy 200 tins of cat food was seized by a Labour party worker called Sue and dragged in front of the leering PM and 200 TV cameras, where she was told to read out a card saying: "Mr Brown, you are the best Labour leader since that nice Mr Attlee."

When, to Mr Brown's horror, the little old lady suddenly turned into an evil, cackling witch, he leapt into his car and hid - forgetting to switch off a microphone given to him by Rupert Murdoch, which picked up the following conversation:

BROWN: That was a disaster. Now I look like a man who's afraid of witches. Who arranged that?
BROWN: I bet it was that bloody bitch Sue. She's always had it in for me. I bet she's a Sun reporter under deep cover. She needs to have an accident. Arrange it. I hate old people. They smell of wee, and they're always moaning. Never let old people near me again. If I ever see another old person I'm going to kill them, do you hear me? I hate them. Cackling at me like that. They're all the same. That's my message for today. I'm going to kill your nan.

A chastened Mr Brown later appeared on the Jeremy Whine Show on Radio 2, telling the nation that he had been under a lot of strain lately and had only been trying to express his profound admiration for a woman who flew a Spirtfire in the Battle of Britain, but his words somehow came out all wrong.

Later in the afternoon, Mr Brown was left trussed up on the doorstep of the little old lady's sinister gingerbread cottage in the dark woods, tied to a note saying: "Please wait for Sky News to arrive before punching this sack of shit in the mouth. Signed, Lord Mandelson."

Meanwhile, David Cameron and Nick Clegg both told reporters that witches were at the very heart of their parties' policies, and that they think your old nan is a lovely lady.

Wednesday, 28 April 2010

'I Had To Do Something So I Arrested An MP For No Readily Apparent Reason,' Claims Former Police Chief

Former Metropolitan Police Assistant Commissioner Bob Slow has defended his raid on MP Damian Green's office in 2008, claiming that he barged into the Palace of Westminster - where he had no jurisdiction - and unlawfully arrested the MP for no other reason than an urge to do something.

"Wot you got to remember, right, is that we got wind of some naughty leaky person up to no good, tellin' the papers wot the 'ome Seckitry - gawd bless 'er - wuz up to an' that," said the former national co-ordinator of counter-terrorism. "All we really knew right wuz that someone or maybe more than one person - oo knows, it could easily of bin 'undreds of the buggers - wuz prepared to 'alf-inch documents from the 'ome Seckitry's private orifice safe an' intercept 'er letters to the prime minister."

"But I wuz facked if I could figger aht oo it wuz, an' I was getting' narked, right," added Mr Slow. "So in all the excitement of gettin' the boys tageva right I must of clean forgot I dint 'ave no right to go chargin' in there, an' befaw the red haze cleared I only went an' arrested some random 'erbert. Ah wuz I ta know the little sneak 'ad a 'idden camera in 'is office, filmin' evryfink? Cor, 'e made me look a right twat, dinee?"

"Ironic, innit? I arrest one politician wot nobody never 'eard of befaw, an' everyone 'ollers blue murder," he reflected. "Now we all know they wuz on the fiddle, the 'ole bleedin' lot of 'em, faw donkeys years - an' all but three of 'em gits orf scot-free."

"Y'know, praps if I 'adn't of made a tit of meself over all that, oo knows? I might of not got the 'oof later, after I waved a top secret file in front of the world's press," deduced the former ace policeman, as he toddled off to the Jobcentre to sign on. "Funny old world, innit?"

Meanwhile, his former employers once again demonstrated their legendary dedication to justice by finally admitting that they kept quiet for 31 years and did nothing - and will continue to do nothing - about an internal cover-up to protect the Special Patrol Group officer who got away with murdering anti-fascist protester Blair Peach.

Independent Think Tank Sidelines Obvious Solution In Criticism Of Parties' Sidelining Of Deficit

A think tank has sharply criticised all three main parties for pretending that the yawning £850bn chasm in Britain's finances will fix itself somehow.

According to the Counting Institute, neither chancellor Alistair Darling, shadow chancellor George Osborne nor the man with the Lib Dems' calculator, Vince Cable, have adequately explained how the gaping black hole will be magically filled overnight by a bit of playful tinkering with the inheritance tax threshold. A spokesman for the think tank said that the only viable option was to sack all public employees, sell the NHS and raise both income tax and VAT to 75%.

However, the statement was swiftly followed by a press release from the Institute for Institute Studies, which pointed out that the reason the Counting Institute had avoided the alternative route of giving the banks a bloody good kicking was that most think tanks receive their funding from large business organisations which like to express their self-serving opinions through their puppet groups, which operate under a paper-thin facade of 'independence'.

This was immediately countered by the independent Institute of Institutes, which said that think tanks were simply philanthropic organisations whose influential members spent their free time working selflessly to bring about a veritable heaven on earth - a view challenged by the Institute Studies Institute, however, which claimed that a survey of all 61m men, women and children in Britain conclusively proved that think tanks were merely a handy mouthpiece for political parties to float ideas which they could then adopt or denounce, depending on how Rupert Murdoch reacted.

Tuesday, 27 April 2010

Millions of British Troops Died In Two World Wars Fighting For The BNP, Claims Wonky-Eyed Man On Telly

A controversial BNP party political broadcast was aired last night on the BBC in front of an estimated three viewers who couldn't find the remote, sparking angry protests outside Broadcasting House which ensured that it was all over the news this morning for everyone to see.

In the broadcast, wonky-eyed BNP leader Nick Angriff was seen sitting in front of a case full of medals that weren't awarded to him, with a framed photograph of Churchill glaring at the back of his head, and flanked on one side by a Union flag nicked off a sandcastle and on the other with two sets of books whose spines showed the Dutch flag.

"I'm here to tell you the truth," lied Mr Angriff, after initially scaring a pensioner to death with an air raid siren. He then told both of his surviving viewers that millions of white servicemen, totally unaided by any colonial forces, had selflessly laid down their lives fighting black people in two world wars, before promising faithfully that no more white British soldiers would remain in Afghanistan for a single second after he graciously accepted his destined task of forming a government.

He also explained to his audience - who, by now, were desperately searching for the manual to find out how to turn the telly off from the front panel - that Labour, Tory and Liberal Democrat MPs were directly responsible for plotting to exterminate tens of thousands of innocent white pensioners every winter, who under a BNP government would live forever.

At this point, the portrait of Churchill floated from its shelf and battered Mr Angriff unconscious - bringing the party's broadcast to a timely close.

"I'm sure my wife and I will recover after a nice cup of tea," said traumatised viewer Jimmy Dawson. "And at least now, thanks to the BNP, we know how to turn the telly off with the phone directory in an emergency."

Science Finally Gets Around To Saying Chocolate Is Bad For You

After an unexpectedly long wait, scientists have finally declared that chocolate may well be bad for you - although, unusually, they also say it might be good for you.

Joyless researchers from the University of San Diego - of course - found that people who eat chocolate on a regular basis (known to medical science as 'women') tend to have more depressive tendencies than those who can take it or leave it (otherwise known as 'men').

"It could be that chocolate is a major cause of depression, turning normal people into horrible whiny emo dorks," said chocolate-smeared project leader Dr Natalie Rose. "It's equally plausible, though, that naturally miserable bastards have discovered that chocolate actually acts as a mood elevator to relieve the crushing sense of futility that is, essentially, modern life. We haven't a fucking clue right now. Give us another research grant and we'll get on it. A few million dollars should provide a definitive answer, for sure. Just make the check out to K-Mart."

A spokesman for the Department of Health told reporters, mostly from the Daily Mail: "Well, there you have it. Chocolate is the leading cause of death in Britain today. With your help, we'll have it reclassified as a Class A drug by Friday."

He was then felled by a swift kick in the gonads by a chocolate-smeared spokeswoman for the Department of Health, who immediately slapped a D-notice on the story and threatened anybody who published a word of it with two to ten years in prison - er - look, just forget you read this, OK?

Monday, 26 April 2010

Supermarkets Thank Brown For Boosting Egg Sales

Britain's supermarkets have thanked Gordon Brown for a sudden rush for eggs, after the prime minister's self-pitying whinge on a train to Bournemouth today in which he basically challenged the public to throw things at him.

"I think what you guys are looking for," a surly Mr Brown told journalists, "Is someone to throw an egg at me or something and then say that there is some public anger. This is not like 2005, just let me tell you. This is not like 2005, when there was so much anger about Iraq."

The population - now angry about national bankruptcy, job losses, thieving politicians, greedy bankers, soaring fuel bills, volcanoes, Europe, gay men in B&Bs, yokels with Chinese accents, immigration, chavs, those horrible bastards next door, everybody else's driving skills, the ongoing existence of Andrew Lloyd Webber, the instability of Facebook and the general shoddiness of everything which surrounds them - responded swiftly by emptying the shelves of eggs. When the eggs ran out, the electorate turned to tomatoes and overripe melons before moving onto harder throwable goods such as tinned pilchards, frozen sides of beef and toasters.

"I'm almost tempted to vote Labour," beamed the manager of Aldi in Bournemouth's Wallisdown Road, as he surveyed his stripped-out store. "Don't worry, folks, I've got a special warehouse delivery arriving later."

All over Britain, the scene was repeated as voters fervently hoped for a prime ministerial visit.

"I wish we could have a general election every month!" an ecstatic Tesco chairman and chief executive Sir Terry Leahy told reporters, adding with a smile: "I'll tell whoever wins to see to it."

Thousands Complain About Return of Dr Who's Old Enemy

Dr Who fans are still reported to be hiding behind the sofa, two days after witnessing the terrifying return of the Time Lord's deadliest enemy, Graham Norton.

"My little Timothy hasn't stopped crying since," said Mrs Edna Timms, who has complained to the BBC after the cliffhanger ending of Saturday's episode saw the horrific creature - rendered in state-of-the-art CGI - suddenly leap up and prance around in front of Matt Smith. "I've had to phone B&Q and explain why poor Timmy hasn't turned up for work today."

The 52-year-old child is only one of thousands of sad cases brought to the attention of the BBC by angry retired parents.

"We like to throw in the odd surprise," said Steven Muppet, lead writer of the highly-profitable marketing vehicle. "And the return of the dreaded Graham Norton was long overdue. He hasn't been on Dr Who since he memorably talked over the opening scenes of Christopher Ecclestone's first episode way back in 2005."

"And many of our viewers are a bit too old to remember that," he added.

Sunday, 25 April 2010

Pope Stable After Shock Of Receiving Apology

A shocked Pope Benedict is reported to be under sedation today, after someone apologised to him for a change.

The British ambassador to the Vatican issued a grovelling governmental apology, after it emerged that a damnation-bound junior official in the Foreign Office circulated an internal briefing note making ridiculous suggestions, such as - among other degrading absurdities - the Pope launching a child-abuse helpline and maybe sacking a few dodgy bishops during his state visit later this year.

Repentant Foreign Secretary Miliband One appeared on the Andrew Marr Plays Guitar Show this morning, lying prostrate on the studio floor in a hair shirt, to reassure the world's most respected witch-doctor that anybody in Britain daring to question his mumbo-jumbo organisation would be persuaded into repentance according to the tried-and-tested methods laid down in the Malleus Maleficorum.

In accordance with those guidelines, he added, the nation would be shown the horrific instruments of persuasion in a TV documentary series prior to the papal visit.

"I'd also like to take this opportunity to express Britain's deep regret for forcing our repugnant denazifying values on the Pope in the aftermath of World War II," he added. "We now realise that the years he spent in the Hitler Youth were a marvellous preparation for the day when he would rise in a position to tell millions of people what to think."

Meanwhile, Wing Commander 'Buffy' Pilkington, the former RAF officer who yesterday suggested a low-level flypast by the Battle of Britain Memorial Flight's Lancaster - to remind the Pope of the happy times he spent blasting similar aircraft and their crews from the skies with his Flak gun - has been placed aboard a special train, which is travelling east to a new but strangely unspecified homeland set aside by His Holiness for all non-Catholics.