Tower Nobody Knows The Name Of To Be Given Name Everybody Will Forget

Google 'Big Ben' and this comes up. QED

The pointy bit of the big place where all the politicians live with bells in it, which everyone mistakenly calls Big Ben, is to receive another name which they will immediately forget.

Despite the tall thing being given the same name as the Queen, the collective British consciousness said it is supremely confident that it will remain as impervious to new information as it has been over the magnificence of its empire, the benefits of its special relationship with the United States and the obvious superiority of its footballers.

Liberian War Criminal Taylor ‘Refers Himself’ To Prison For 50 Years

Public Should Stop Being Shallow, Judgemental Fuckwits, Say No MPs

This is what a healthy child should look like

The British public should grow up and stop judging everyone according to their waistlines, according to a controversial report which exists only in the minds of the MPs on the All-Party Parliamentary Group on Body Image, none of whom wants to commit political suicide by telling Britain a few home truths.

Instead, they have opted to blame the media as usual, dump the problem on overworked teachers and expect them to sort it all out, said hamster-cheeked chairwoman Jo Swinson MP.

“Tragic social afflictions ranging from low self-esteem to fatal eating disorders should definitely be laid solely at the door of the fashion industry,” blubbered the double-chinned chubster. “It’s really not about your NHS-funded GP telling you ‘Lose the flab or die, you disgusting fat fuck’ every time you go in for your travel jabs. And it certainly has nothing to do with the average voter being a petty-minded fucktard whose corrosive spite ultimately harms them and their own loved ones as much as everyone else on whom they pass their spectacularly ignorant snap judgements.”

The committee will now pretend to focus its attention on dreaming up a new, inoffensive way to tell you how disgusting you all look.

“It seems that ‘fat’, ‘obese’, ‘overweight’ and ‘Christ, look at the state of you’ have somehow acquired negative connotations,” snapped a pinch-faced GP, in whose mind everyone can and should look like Kate Moss and all smokers are equivalent to the Moors Murderers. “I’m already looking forward to reducing ‘cuddly’ to a gratuitous term of abuse hurled from the windows of passing Astras.”

Chimps And Humans Exhibit Similar Behaviour, Announce Researchers As Cameron Hurls Faeces At Rival

And there's plenty more where that came from

Anthropologists today unveiled conclusive proof that chimpanzees and humans share distinct personality traits - citing as evidence David Cameron’s classic exhibition of aggressive behaviour during Prime Minister’s Questions, in which the dominant male responded to a challenging display of Balls by screeching furiously and flinging handfuls of excrement across the floor of the House of Commons.

“This is a key part of the day-to-day ritual within the Westminster troupe,” whispered Sir David Attenborough, bravely squatting just inches from Mr Cameron, who hissed and bared his teeth threateningly but continued to forage for wine.

“Having no social status within the hierarchy of government, the tribal outcasts will, from time to time, openly flaunt their Balls at the leader just to provoke a reaction,” he continued sagely. “Most of the time he will ignore them as he goes about his routine, marking his territory and trying to pick fleas off his subordinates. However, his advances have recently been rejected by an older female, Angela, leaving him sexually frustrated and aggressive.”

“Oh, you dirty little monkey,” exclaimed the broadcasting legend indignantly, as a clearly aggravated Mr Cameron suddenly showered him with a barrage of shit.

Test Proves Queen Capable Of Converting Text To Speech

Shiny thing make it all better

Artificial intelligence specialists pronounced themselves delighted with this morning’s State Opening of Parliament, in which the experimental text-to-speech app they installed in the Queen has proved itself fully capable of rendering even the most incomprehensible scribble into something closely resembling rational speech.

“If the software was going to trip over the test data anywhere, it was likely to be the gag about spotting terrorists by reading the entire internet in realtime,” laughed Dr Mel Strangelove, the project leader who, only last month, upgraded Queen Elizabeth II to Android Ice Cream Sandwich.

“We heard Apple were running a sweepstake on which bit would make Her Majesty stutter and crash, but we always knew she’d sail through without a glitch.” Dr Strangelove added that the Queen had now been put into standby mode and returned to the software lab, where developers hope she will soon be capable of looking at modern art and working out what it is supposed to represent.

Big Boys Stole My Budget, Claims Naughty Little Schoolboy

Little George Osporge has told a sceptical Treasury Committee that last week’s budget was the most comprehensively leaked in living memory because big boys threatened to give him a Chinese burn unless he handed it over.

“Then the horrid bullies threw my budget into the papers and ran away laughing, miss,” insisted the crimson-faced chancellor of the exchequer, adding that he had been working so hard to get all the answers right that he completely missed Sport Relief Does Glee Club on CBBC. “I swear, miss, that’s what happened. No, I can’t remember any of their faces, miss.”

The chancellor's Treasury Committee performance

The chancellor went on to suggest that he should nevertheless be given full marks for his budget, as he was absolutely sure that he was 100% correct.

When committee members failed to reward his diligence, Osporge Minor went on to offer other perfectly plausible excuses, including “the dog leaked my budget”, “I left my budget on top of the telly, and horrible old Mr Murdoch grabbed it and pulled it through the screen” and “it’s my time of the month”.

The little liar was then given a jolly good thrashing.

Britain’s MPs Urge Government Not To Send Aid To Countries Which Act Like Britain’s MPs

MPs on parliament’s influential International Affairs Committee today urged David Cameron to consider cutting off aid to foreign governments with a history of behaving like British MPs.

The committee is very concerned about this sort of thing

“In countries where fraud and corruption are as rife as they are within these walls, the Department for International Development will not always be able to mitigate against this adequately,” said Malcolm Bruce, the Lib Dem committee chairman who claimed £3,100 in expenses for ‘working’ from a home which was less than 30 minutes from his taxpayer-funded constituency office.

The moralising report was enthusiastically endorsed by international development secretary Andrew Mitchell - who relieved taxpayers of £19,000 for cleaning, redecorating and refurbishing his home and garden – and will now be passed on for the attention of chancellor George Osborne, who claimed for interest on a £450,000 mortgage for a house he bought for £45,000.

Have You Seen Little Nicholas?

Little Nicky has no idea of the dangers of the real world

Concerns are growing for the welfare of little Nicholas Clegg, 44, who has been missing from his House of Commons since yesterday.

Little Nicky’s picture has been circulated to transport police amid fears that he may try to hitch-hike to Europe hoping to stay with his penpal, his Spanish wife Miriam.

Young Nicholas had seemed somewhat sullen and confused for days, according to his Guardian – sobbing to his Sunday School teacher, Mr Marr, that he was afraid of being “isolated and marginalised” but still insisting that he was OK and nothing was the matter.

“He told me he was just popping along to the parliamentary sweet shop to get a great big gobstopper for his friend David, and nobody’s seen him since,” said the young runaway’s distraught Uncle Vince, in a distressing attempt to appeal to the public. “He can’t have run away to join the circus, because he’s already in one.”

That Select Committee Hearing In Full

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah SPLAT blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Unicorns Prance In Britain’s Streets

The single most riveting event in human history

Unicorns, fairies and other mythical creatures disported themselves, unmolested and unseen, through the deserted high streets of Britain’s cities today as all eyes were glued to the unremitting tedium of the Culture, Media and Sport Select Committee hearing on the off-chance that tainted tycoon Rupert Murdoch might announce imminent plans to commit ritual suicide to atone for his shame.

A giant flying saucer landed in the middle of Regent’s Park in the early afternoon, but after wandering to and fro along a silent Oxford Street for two hours the lonely ambassadors from an unknown galactic empire gave up, returned to their UFO and abandoned their futile search for intelligent life in this solar system.

Similar disappointment awaited the unfortunate Whale King who, sadly, chose today to trundle out of the sea, riding his majestic coral unicycle up and down the Brighton seafront without attracting any attention whatsoever.

The people of Britain declared themselves overjoyed, however, when their lives were made complete by a publicity stunt involving a comedian nobody has ever heard of, or will ever hear of again, and a plate of shaving foam.

Those Non-Prejudicial Questions The Culture, Media and Sport Select Committee Will Be Keen To Ask Rebekah Brooks, Following Her Timely Arrest

"How the devil are you, Mrs Brooks?"
"And how is Mr Brooks?"
"Would you like to sit down?"
"Would you like some tea or coffee?"
"Did you have any trouble finding us?"
"Some weather we’re having lately, isn’t it?"
"Well, well, isn’t this nice, all of us here together?"
"Are you quite sure we can’t get you anything to drink?"
"A glass of water, perhaps?"
"Can you think of anything we haven’t covered that we might be able to ask without prejudicing Inspector Savage of the Yard and his investigations?"
"Not a dicky bird?"
"Well, aren’t you the lucky one?"
"How soon can you start to breathe a sigh of relief?"

Murdoch Now Even Less Popular Than Arse Who Led Us All Into Lifetime Of Penury

Admit it - you loathe him slightly less now, don't you?

Even the gormless, arse-headed Gordon Brown - whose perversely pig-headed refusal, as both chancellor and prime minister, to regulate the City of London led to global ruin - is now held in higher esteem by the penniless public than Rupert Murdoch, it emerged yesterday, after the charm-free backbencher broke his self-imposed vow of silence in the House of Commons to accuse the tarnished mogul’s media empire of a “lethal combination of illegality, collusion and cover-up”.

All over the country, people were leaping from their sofas, punching the air and cheering wildly as the hatchet-faced incompetent droned on for half an hour.

“Even allowing for the fact that 29 minutes and 57 seconds of Gordon Brown’s speech were nothing more than a shameless, self-pitying attempt to offload the blame for his appalling mismanagement of the nation’s finances onto what he apparently, in all seriousness, believes to be misrepresentation in the Murdoch papers,” said a typical dewy-eyed viewer, just one of millions glued to BBC Parliament, “The words that will remain forever seared into my memory long after senility robs me of the ability to remember my own children are his stirring summary of News Corp’s methods as ‘lawbreaking on an industrial scale’.”

Meanwhile, MPs on parliament’s Culture, Media and Sport Committee have asked Mr Murdoch, his equally loathsome son James and their mysteriously limpet-like sidekick Rebekah Brooks if they wouldn’t mind dropping by one afternoon, if they haven’t got anything else planned, and entertaining them all with an improvised comedy routine.

Cameron’s Circus Cruel To Wild MPs, Claim Animals

Britain’s lions, tigers and elephants today blasted David Cameron’s Circus for its “barbaric” handling of wild politicians, saying that it was cruel and outdated to threaten dumb parliamentarians with whips.

This endangered MP has won a 'best of breed' award

“Only yesterday, I saw a magnificent Mark Pritchard MP suffering the sort of abuse I wouldn’t have believed possible in an enlightened society,” trumpeted famous elephant Brian Blessed indignantly. “The ringmaster and head clown, David Cameron, tried to lure him into a pathetically small office - and when the defiant Pritchard refused to cower and grovel, Cameron threatened him with a selection of brutal whips. This shames us all.”

A spokesman for Cameron’s Circus, however, claimed there was a huge public demand to see endangered MPs jumping through various hoops - including the crowd-pleasing Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority trick, in which the snarling politicians are humiliatingly made to submit their expenses claims.

“It’s not as if we could just release these creatures back into the environment,” he added. “They simply don’t have the skills to survive. This circus is the only sanctuary they have.”

“Grr,” commented an angry tiger.

Kraft Boss Admits Being In Contempt Of Parliament, Asks Who Isn’t

Irene, to his friends

Kraft chairman, CEO and insatiable god Moloch today accepted that he was totally in contempt of Parliament, after pointedly ignoring requests to turn up and answer questions from the Business, Innovation and Skills Committee – pointing out that if contempt of Parliament was such a heinous crime, the government had better start arresting pretty much everyone in the UK and issuing extradition orders for the rest of the world.

The committee today stopped short of actually charging Moloch with the offence, stating feebly that his company’s complete refusal to be held to account - for promising to maintain staff levels at Cadbury’s during the takeover, and then promptly eating them and switching production to the famed chocolatiers of Poland – showed a “regrettably dismissive attitude” which “steered close to a contempt of the House”.

Experts have suggested numerous ways in which the Kraft god might actually goad the committee into actually invoking the contempt law, ranging from selling a range of novelty chocolate willies with MPs’ names stamped into them to simply hiring a blimp painted like a Crème Egg to hover over Westminster flashing “Business, Innovation and Skills Committee - PAEDO RING” out across London.

Moloch replied by pointing out that he was Moloch, and invited all to bow down and worship him.

Finding A Space In House Of Lords Car Park Now Damnably Hard

Lord Adonis can't bear to rub shoulders with people like himself

A cross-party group of senior peers of the realm has rebuked prime minister David Cameron, warning him to stop creating any new peers as they are finding it “damnably difficult” to get a parking space since he added 117 “grubby little parvenus in their ghastly polyester suits” to the upper house.

Curiously, all 13 peers who endorsed University College London’s report into recent pressures on the House happen to be grubby parvenus themselves, including such jumped-up photocopier-seller johnnies as Lord Mackay of Number 23, Railway Cuttings, Lord Woolf of This Site Available For Redevelopment, Baroness Showgirl, Baroness Sousaphone, wee Lord Steel’s Spitting Image puppet and Lord Narcissus of that ego.

The group, which consists mostly of former MPs, added that the rapid influx of so many new ex-MPs has had a negative effect on the convivial, non-partisan atmosphere in the House of Lords Bar and Peers’ Dining Room.

“We’re all right so far, but what is desperately needed is for some commoner called Jack to pull a ladder up after us,” cautioned Lord Narcissus, as he admired his ermine-draped reflection in a full-length mirror.

Noddy and Big-Ears Narrowly Escape Toyland Lynching

How dare they

Lovable brownie Big-Ears and his friend, Noddy, had a narrow escape yesterday evening, when naughty goblins Sly and Gobbo launched a vicious attack on their lovely car as they drove innocently through Toyland on their way to see a performance by the Clockwork Clown.

Sly and Gobbo had been running amok through Toyland after Mr Plod steadfastly refused to let them anywhere near the big house belonging to the conniving Bunkey and his friend Mr Wobbly Man, who want all the goblins to pay them an awful lot of money to go to Miss Prim’s little school.

After Mr Plod chased the angry goblin duo away from the house by hitting them with his riot whistle, Sly naughtily painted a very rude word on the side of Jumbo’s statue while, not to be outdone, Gobbo went one stage further and did a wee-wee on it.

But it was the ferocity of the goblins' unprovoked assault on poor Noddy and Big-Ears as they sat terrified in their lovely red and yellow car, frantically parp-parping the horn to attract Mr Plod’s attention, which has lost them the sympathy of decent, hard-working toys throughout Toyland.

Art history, the pair of them

“What have Sly and Gobbo got against poor old Noddy and Big-Ears?” frowned Noddy’s puzzled next-door neighbour, Mr Tubby Bear. “I could understand them having a go at that bone-idle brother of his, Little-Ears, who has a potty mouth, shows no respect for Mr Plod and hands out water pistols to all the bad toys - but Big-Ears’ Trust actually helps lots of struggling new toys to start their own little businesses.”

“Poor old Mr Plod’s been puffing to and fro on his bicycle all day long, looking to give them both a stern telling-off,” pointed out his wife, Mrs Tubby Bear. “Well, he can lock them up in his cells and throw away the key for all I care. Putting Noddy’s little car back together again is certainly going to pose a bit of a challenge for Mr Sparks the handyman.”

Just then, however, the papers were delivered, and poor Mrs Tubby Bear promptly fainted with dismay at front-page pictures of her son, Master Tubby Bear, disgracefully clambering all over the toy soldiers’ shiny monument and burning down the town square’s lovely Christmas tree.

Later, Mr Wobbly Man and Bunkey appeared on Toyland TV, with Mr Wobbly Man desperately trying to explain to all the toys how, thanks to his new best friend Bunkey, he no longer had any problems with lying.

A smiling Bunkey then assured law-abiding toys that he would be asking Mr Plod why he had failed to hit Sly and Gobbo hard enough. “Lessons will be learned,” he promised, “If you pay Miss Prim the new bargain rate of £9000 a year.”

Japanese Minister Under Pressure To Resign For Telling The Truth About Lying

Nobody would have a problem if he'd just kept lying

Japan’s justice minister, Yanagida Minoru, is facing demands for his resignation today, after admitting to supporters in Hiroshima Prefecture that his job was easy and simply involved covering his complete ignorance of departmental issues with one of two stock fibs in parliament: “I won’t comment on individual cases” and “I’m acting in accordance with the law and the evidence.”

Opposition conservatives have reacted with fury to hearing the minister’s frank confession.

“We fully expect members of parliament to lie through their teeth and cover up a blissful ignorance of what goes on in their departments,” commented one former minister. “After all, we’re no experts. An election is a popularity contest, and has nothing to do with expertise, insight or understanding of what actually goes on. That is how representative democracy works. How dare Mr Yanagida drop the pretence?”

“Er… what I meant to say is that Yanagida Minoru has brought unforgivable shame upon himself and his party by his cynical attitude to important matters of state,” he added, under withering glares from parliamentary colleagues. “I'm afraid that whatever is the matter with him, it appears to be catching.”

Prime minister Kan Naoto later gave Mr Yanagida a severe warning, ordering him to remember the importance of maintaining a charade at all times, not just during parliamentary debates.

‘Iron Fists’ Farrelly Taunts Police

Hurrell went down like a sack of shit in the first round, according to Farrelly supporters

The All-In Parliamentary Wrestling Champion, Labour MP Paul ‘Iron Fists’ Farrelly, today issued a scornful challenge to Westminster police to ask him questions about the one-sided fight which saw him take the title from John ‘Two Jags’ Prescott.

The raging Newcastle-under-Lyme MP spectacularly seized the crown on Thursday evening by smashing unranked outsider Bjorn Hurrell to the floor at a no-holds-barred karaoke party at parliament’s Sports & Social Club, to the delight of a capacity crowd.

“Decent people should not see their lives blighted by nuisance and anti-social behaviour, nor should our children be led astray by a mindless minority, but when some jumped-up nobody gets between me and my pint then a line has been crossed,” said Mr Farrelly after his brutal slugging match. “Any normal person who is capable of defending themselves would have done exactly as I did, and twatted the fucker.”

A police spokesman deeply regretted that no formal complaint had been received about the incident, but urged Mr Hurrell to come forward and press charges against the Labour slugger - who in the meantime has issued them with an invitation to come on, if they think they’re hard enough.

“The force legend that is PC Savage has already taken his trusty truncheon down off the trophy shelf, and he’s giving it a good polish,” said Scotland Yard. “It’s got a notch for every bolshie Trot he hospitalised back in the good old days of the miners’ strike and poll tax march. He’s getting on a bit now, but he assures the public that the old magic’s still there and he’d love nothing better than to bring in a Labour MP for a few clarifications before he hangs up his riot gear.”

‘Whoops,’ Say Labour MPs After Missing Chance To Vote Down Spending Review

The small number of coalition MPs present in the House of Commons today feared an embarrassing defeat when they realised that the Labour opposition had issued a three-line whip to its MPs, demanding their full attendance at the debate on the Comprehensive Spending Review – but breathed again when the deeply unpopular package was safely talked out of time at 6pm without a single Labour politician realising they could defeat it simply by asking the Speaker for a closure motion calling for a vote which they would certainly have won, with so many empty seats on the government benches.

“Sorry, I’m a bit new to this,” admitted Ed Miliband’s new chief whip appointee, Rosie Winterton. “Well, that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.”

Rosie Winterton may not have a clue about how parliament works, but on the plus side she can spot a mirror at 500 metres

Experienced but red-faced Labour MPs have so far remained in their seats, and look set to remain there for some time rather than face grinning parliamentary journalists in the lobby.

“Look, you can’t expect busy Labour MPs to waste their precious time familiarising themselves with the standing orders of the place they are paid £65,738 a year plus expenses to work in – or, for that matter, thinking about anything in particular apart from what to wear when it’s their turn to appear on Question Time,” explained one former parliamentarian. “That’s what you appoint a camera-friendly muppet with a vacant smile full of superb cosmetic dentistry to the post of chief whip for.”

Jewel-Encrusted Queen Mounts Gold Throne To Announce Huge Cuts

With all the pomp of state, the Queen travelled in her gold-coated landau to the Palace of Westminster this morning, where she put on her most jewel-laden crown before sitting on a golden throne to inform her subjects of an appalling catalogue of swingeing cuts that are a matter of supreme indifference to her.

Her Majesty then returned to Buckingham Palace, where she and her husband are said to be looking forward immensely to next month’s jolly to Canada followed by a pleasant jaunt to New York.