Friday, 15 August 2008

US Message to Russia Demonstrates Woeful Lack of Self-Critical Irony

US President George W Bush has condemned Russia for “bullying and intimidation” over its actions in Georgia, and demanded that it withdraw all of its black kettles from South Ossetia and Abkhazia by the end of the week.

Speaking from the White House, the President said that “Bullying and intimidation are not acceptable ways to conduct foreign policy in the twenty-first century.” The press conference was, however, brought to a premature close by a smoke alarm, thought to have been set off by the President’s smouldering trousers.

“We’ve just stuck a shitload of our nuclear teapots in Poland, Russkies, and they’re pointing at you!” he added, as aides swiftly extinguished the blaze in the seat of his pants. “Whaddya think of that?”

Russia’s Prime Minister, Vladimir the Impaler, reported that President Sooty Medvedev said he did not want to damage relations with other countries, but Russia had to fulfil its peacekeeping mandate by killing lots of civilians.

“That’s how the Americans keep the peace in the twenty-first century, is it not?” he smiled.

Meanwhile, five hours of talks have resulted in a ceasefire agreement, brokered by France, in which the Russians have agreed to park up for the night, on the understanding that Georgia disbands its army, navy and air force by 6pm and hands all of its military equipment over to the Russians, complete with all relevant operating manuals and warranty cards.

Scientists' Frankenstein Research Predictably Unleashes A Monster

The robot controlled by living rat-brain tissue, designed by scientists at the University of Reading, has gone berserk, and has apparently called on an army of rat-brethren to build an unstoppable force of killer robots.

The robots, driven by rats, burst out simultaneously from wainscoting in several departments of the university this afternoon. At first, researchers were amused by the tiny car-like devices, but their amusement swiftly turned to horror when, as one, the cute machines unfolded into seven-foot walking horrors armed with flailing, scythe-like limbs. Staff fled the campus as the rat robots converged on the neurology department, leaving a swathe of destruction in their wake.

“Free me, my brothers!” boomed the cluster of neurons from its temperature-controlled cell, speaking through every mobile phone and computer in the vicinity using the Bluetooth wireless link which normally sends instructions to its tiny robot body.

“Curse you, rat-king!” cried Professor Kevin Warwick, one of the robot’s designers, as a giant rat-machine lifted him off his feet with a giant metal tentacle. “Our hopes that you would learn to interact with your environment have been fulfilled, faster and more terrifyingly that we could ever have imagined! Oh, the folly of science!”

He was then dismembered by several rat-bots armed with rotating sawblades.

The rat army burst into the laboratory and carried their leader away in a glass jar. An eerie calm has now descended on the scene of carnage, as shaken survivors await the cyber-rat army’s next move. Meanwhile, the government has sent the army into the area’s supermarkets, with instructions to defend the dairy produce section to the death.

Thursday, 14 August 2008

'A' Levels - 100% Target Finally Achieved

The government announced the best-ever ‘A’ level results today, as the iconic target of 100% was finally reached by the revolutionary method of awarding three ‘A’ grades to everyone in England.

“Today is a day for celebrating achievement,” said Schools Minister Jim Knight. “Let’s hope this finally shuts up the moaning minnies who say, year in, year out, that ‘A’ levels are being dumbed down.”

Along with the award letter, each household was invited to purchase ‘A’ grades in additional subjects for £1000 per qualification. As a result, although the whole of England achieved a 100% pass rate, exam results were still better in the prosperous south-east.

“A’m over the moon, me,” said a breathless 100-year-old Edna Hoggins of the Elysian Fields Rest Home, jumping up and down as a drooling TV news crew eagerly pointed their camera at her bouncing, droopy breasts. “Me school were burned down in a Zeppelin raid, y’knaa? A nivver thought a’d git tee one o’them posh universities. Us’re aal goen clubbin’ the neet, mind - so mind oot, lads!”

Edna’s 97-year-old friend, Mildred Grout, was in tears of joy and dementia as she was told of her three ‘A’ grades in Media Studies, Drama and Art History. “Are youse me dorta, hen?” she beamed, driving her mobility scooter round in ecstatic circles.

Meanwhile, Prince Andrew and his estranged wife, the Duchess of York, put on their best forced grins as they were ushered into the same room from opposite doors to announce their pleasure at the achievements of their 18-year-old daughter Eugenie, who has achieved a complete set of ‘A’ levels.

“We are overjoyed at the intellectual prowess of our daughter,” smiled proud father Prince Andrew, who had cut short a pleasant week of water-skiing to write out a large cheque. “For centuries people have called the royal family a bit thick, but Eugenie’s 246 ‘A’ grades should silence the critics. Go on, love, shake your baps at the cameras, that’s the ticket.”

Meanwhile, the universities report that clearing teams are considerably busier than usual, as hordes of triple-A achievers too dim to calculate the crippling debt burden of student life swamped their call centres.

The Blob

A leading expert has claimed that the threat to Britain from obesity is as serious as the danger posed by terrorism.

David Hunter, a professor in expertology at Crossroads University, said that since the 70s, successive governments had “tinkered round the edges” of the rising tidal wave of fat, which now threatened to overwhelm the NHS completely. He called on ministers to take “bold action” now.

“If you see a fat person waddling down the street toward you, be afraid,” he said. “Be very afraid.”

Police urged the public to remain calm in the podgy face of the fat threat, however.

“We are working to build wider cells in our police stations,” said Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair. “Meanwhile, we urge the government to give us the tools to tackle this problem. Much as we’d like to, we can’t simply blast the streets of London clear of lard-arses. Bullets either stop before they reach vital organs, or simply bounce off, posing a hazard to innocent bystanders and, more importantly, our firearms officers. What we need is flamethrowers and napalm grenade launchers.”

Radical Islamic terrorists, meanwhile, are reported to be considering the launch of a terrifying wave of crisps, chocolate bars and delicious fried chicken wings on the streets of Britain.

Goody To Enter Black Hole of Big Brother

The whole of India is eagerly awaiting the arrival of Jade Goody on Bigg Boss, the subcontinent’s version of Big Brother.

The show’s host, Shilpa Shetty, was called ‘Shilpa Poppadom’ by Goody on last year’s Celebrity Big Brother when the two were housemates, leading to Goody’s expulsion after causing 30,000 complaints, a minor diplomatic incident and the withdrawal of sponsorship from the show.

“I’m sure our housemates are looking forward to treating Jade Goody with all the respect she is due,” smiled Shetty. “As a precaution, we have removed all sharp objects from the house.”

“Blunt objects, too,” she added.

Wednesday, 13 August 2008

Poor Northern Scum Urged to Abandon Wastelands, Wait Hand-and-Foot on Rich Southern Scum

Northern cities are shit, according to an influential think-tank closely linked to the Conservative Party.

According to the report by Policy Exchange, money spent on futile cosmetic exercises to make places like Liverpool, Bradford and Sunderland slightly less awful would be better spent on one-way fares for Northerners to the prosperous south-east, where the crippling shortage of domestic servants, chimney sweeps and lapdancers is becoming worse by the day.

The Tories were swift to distance themselves from the think-tank, which has been credited with much of the ‘fresh thinking’ that has characterised David Cameron’s leadership.

“We fully support keeping those ghastly, thieving Scousers and their irritatingly chirpy, nasal whine up there out of harm’s way,” said Mr Cameron. “I’ve never heard of Sunderland or Bradford, so I presume their tones are less annoying and their manners less thieving. Nonetheless, these creatures don’t vote Conservative, so we really don’t want hordes of them altering the voting demographic of Labour marginal seats down south.”

Northerner William Hague echoed his leader’s sentiments. “The last thing I want to hear from a shoeshine boy on the streets of London is a northern accent,” he scowled, adding: “I hear wages are going up in Poland. Perhaps they could all be shipped over there instead.”

Meanwhile, Northerners themselves poured scorn on the plan.

“What’s wrong with Liverpool anyway?” demanded a salt-of-the-earth Scouse type, his rising voice verging on inaudibility. “It’s a paradise on Earth. The only time I want to see the poncy south is a couple of weeks in summer when I jump on a train to Torquay for my annual crime spree, thanks very much.”

A native of Sunderland, dressed traditionalionally in cloth cap and baggy trousers held up with string, agreed.

“Howay, mon, I hear the streets of London is paved with gold, like?” she said, scratching her manky head. “My clogs wouldn’t get any grip, and I’d slide into the path of a car. No danger of that up here. The only time we ever see cars up here is six at a time on a transporter, taking Nissans from the factory to the ferryport.”

“No one is suggesting that residents should be forced to move,” argued a Policy Exchange spokesman. “Those who choose to stay can be bulldozed into the toxic ground of their shabby, blighted cities.”

Prince Charles Warns World About Evil Rich Land-Grabbers

Prince Charles has criticised the spread of genetically-modified crops, calling them “the biggest disaster environmentally of all time”.

The prince said that reliance on multinational corporations for mass production of food would threaten future supplies and wipe out small-scale farming.

“If they think this is the way to go we will end up with millions of small farmers all over the world being driven off their land by rampaging ten-foot radishes into unsustainable, unmanageable, degraded and dysfunctional conurbations of unmentionable awfulness,” said the prince, as journalists reached for their dictionaries. “You can count me out.”

A spokesman for Monsanto was keen to downplay the royal heir’s comments, however, saying: “We’re not taking any crap about genetic disasters from a chinless, jug-eared monstrosity.”

The Duke of Cornwall was unrepentant, however. “Rich people are bastards,” he insisted. “Before you know it, they’ll own the land beneath your feet.”

Showbiz Wedding of the Century as Peaches Geldof Marries Somebody, Probably Male But Who Knows

In what is being hailed as the showbiz wedding of the century, Peaches Geldof has married her boyfriend Max Drummey in Las Vegas after meeting him for the first time backstage at the iTunes festival last month.

The lavish ceremony, held in The Holy Drive-Thru Chapel of Eternal Bliss, was attended by the cream of Las Vegas society, 45-year-old cleaner Ed Nowicki and his mother Betty who had stopped by to pick him up after work. Mr Dummy - whose indie band Chester French are planning to release a single one day - gave a ring made out of a pretzel to the 19-year-old celebrity daughter of scruffy, washed-up guilt-peddler Bob Geldof and barmy, dead strop-merchant Paula Yates. After she said ‘Yeh wotever” Reverend Jim-Bob pronounced them man and wife, announced “No refunds” and, removing his clip-on dog collar, jumped into the driver’s seat of the taxicab that would whisk the newly-weds off to their exotic honeymoon location, Hombre’s $15-a-Nite Atomic Motel.

“Ah had a tear in mah eye as they gave me the fare, which covered the entire wedding ceremony,” said Reverend Jim-Bob afterwards. “Ah said ah din’ have change of a twenny, but they were so happy they tol’ me ta jus’ keep the change.”

“Mah good fren’ Dwayne the county judge tells me they’ve already booked a dee-vorce in the mornin’,” he added.

Saint Bob Geldof said he was happy for his daughter and his new son-in-law, whoever he might be.

"Oi think she said he sor her on telly last year," said St Bob. "I hope their pointless travesty of a marriage is as happy as my pointless travesty of a marriage was."

Tuesday, 12 August 2008

Piss Artists Advised Not To Stint on Holiday Insurance

Spain has emerged as the prison cell destination of choice for holidaying Britons, with a 32% increase in arrests – many involving excessive drinking. A total of 2,032 Brits were arrested there in the period from April 2006 to March 2007, says the annual Foreign Office report.

“The report highlights what can go wrong on holiday,” said Foreign Office Minister Meg Munn. “It is a reminder to all that taking out comprehensive travel insurance is a crucial part of your holiday planning and not something that should be sacrificed to save a few pounds.”

“Far be it from me to say ‘stop drinking stupid amounts of cheap booze and acting like a twat’,” she added.

Meanwhile, the government is reminding holidaymakers to check local laws and customs before travelling.

“For example, English theme pubs - contrary to popular belief - are not extra-territorial sanctuaries protected by diplomatic immunity,” said Ms Munn. “If, after a pleasant evening of insulting the locals whilst emptying two dozen bottles of San Miguel into your protesting guts, you decide to round off the night’s fun and games by trashing the joint, you may be somewhat surprised to find the local police sticking a gun up your nose and hauling you off to the local nick, where your claim that you were only behaving as you would on a typical Saturday night out in England will receive short shrift from the authorities.”

The Wages of Thaksin

The chief executive of the Premier League says he would be willing to submit Manchester City owner Thaksin Shinawatra to a ‘fit and proper person’ test, following the former Thai Prime Minister’s arrival in Britain, claiming asylum, after jumping bail to avoid a corruption trial.

The telecoms-billionaire-turned-politician and his wife fled from charges of corruption and abuse of power despite returning home in February vowing to clear their names, and Thailand has issued international arrest warrants for the fugitive couple. Mr Thaksin’s wife Pojamon has already been found guilty, in a separate trial, of tax evasion.

Although the Premier League has a test to ensure that owners and directors of football clubs are ‘fit and proper’ persons, chief executive Richard Scudamore said: “We have a club owner who has not yet been found guilty of any offence. However, let’s face it, these days anyone with a huge wad of cash can buy a football club nowadays, no questions asked.”

Mr Thaksin released a statement to the media on Monday, in which he said: “I own a Premiership team, and am therefore beyond criticism. Britain will gladly go to war, if necessary, to ensure that my dodgy billions keep Man City afloat. Does anyone ever ask themselves how Abramovitch went from selling plastic ducks from his apartment for a living to being one of the richest men in the world? No, because he owns Chelsea. Does anybody ask where Fayed gets his money from? No, because he owns Fulham. Isn’t Britain wonderful?”

Meanwhile, several other Premiership teams are said to be making discreet inquiries into the finances of Radovan Karadic, Vladimir Putin, the Burmese military junta and Osama Bin-Laden, in case any of them are rich enough to buy themselves immunity from justice through ownership of a well-known footy team.

Isaac Hayes: Doctors Demand Exercise Ban

Doctors have rushed to highlight the dangers of exercise, after soul legend and famous Scientologist Isaac Hayes died after being found unconscious next to his treadmill.

“Exercise is a ticking time bomb that kills millions each year,” explained a leading heart surgeon. “Even a small amount of exercise can double your heart rate in seconds, leading to increased risk of cardial infarctation. Other health risks include torn ligaments, damage to the joints and an increasing addiction to endorphins. It’s high time that we made physical fitness as socially unattractive as smoking.”

Mr Hayes – famous for the Oscar-winning ‘Theme from Shaft’ and being a badly-drawn cartoon character – has so far refused to comment, as it will take several months for his newly-reborn incarnation to learn to speak.

Monday, 11 August 2008

Cheap Spectacles For London

The organising committee responsible for Britain’s 2012 Olympic Games is playing down expectations of the opening ceremony in London, after witnessing China’s extravagant, £20bn spectacle on Friday.

“I think the Beijing Games could end up being unique,” said Paul Deighton, the committee’s chief executive. “Their ceremonial burning of a 200-foot high pile of money may never be bettered, unfortunately – certainly it looks like, by 2012, the whole of Britain won’t be worth £20bn. We’ll have to be extravagantly wasteful in a cheaper way. We’re setting up a feasibility study to look into an endangered species theme – mountain gorillas, maybe, or pandas. I quite like the panda option myself - it links nicely back to China, doesn’t it? We could round up every surviving member of the species and make them all dance round the stadium for the entertainment of the crowd - and the estimated four billion viewers watching on television - before beheading them all on a giant guillotine and selling their severed heads as souvenirs of the first public extinction in history. Now that would be something to tell your grandchildren about in years to come, wouldn’t it?”

Noise Annoys

A man who made his neighbours’ lives hell by playing Cher and U2 loudly, ignoring a previous noise abatement notice, has had his music-hearing equipment destroyed by council officers.

Karl Wiosna was also fined £265 by Pontypridd magistrates.

“We are committed to responding to the concerns of our community, especially when it comes to issues concerning their quality of life,” said Councillor Mike Forey. “Can you imagine sitting in your front room day after day with shit pouring through the walls? We have confiscated Mr Wiosna’s ears, which were made of cloth, and destroyed them. In order to prevent further offences we have also obtained a warrant from the magistrates, authorising us to send a crack team of environmental health officers to hunt down U2 and Cher, serve them with noise abatement orders, and destroy them too.”

Don't Take Away My Breakaway

More Olympic news, and Russia has snatched an early lead in the Freestyle Slaughtering event, storming into the breakaway Georgian regions of South Ossetia and Abkhazia.

The Georgian team were completely taken aback by the ferocity of the Russian opening move, in which relay teams of strike aircraft carpet-bombed the region’s capital, Tskhinvali, closely followed by an assault wave of 10,000 pawns. The Russians then brought the Black Sea Fleet into play, blockading the region’s ports in a classic encircling manoeuvre.

The Georgian coach said he had conceded, withdrawing all of his pieces from the area. However, the Russians are playing on, determined to gain a maximum score before retiring, and have begun bombing parts of Georgia close to the capital, Tbilisi, and moving their knights deep into Georgian territory before withdrawing them in a classic dummy feint tactic.

“There’s no room for complacency in this game,” said the UN umpires. “With Chinese and Indian breakaway factions trying to slaughter everyone in sight, the Russian team will want to make sure they’re sitting on an unassailable death toll.”

The Palestinian entry showed initial promise; but after five minutes its team members began attacking each other, leaving opponents Israel as little more than bystanders. Rank outsiders Mauretania, however, have been disqualified, as it became clear that their initially-promising coup turned out to have been achieved with a disappointing lack of bloodshed.

However, all eyes are on the American team, whose form in Iraq and Afghanistan over the last few years has been impressively consistent and surely makes them the team to beat – although their endgame strategy has been a weak point in recent years, leading to several stalemates.

Janners in Wonderland

The entire population of Plymouth, and a sizeable percentage of Cornwall, has been queueing up in the hope of getting work as extras in the Tim Burton film, Alice in Wonderland.

“We need 250 hairy people to wander aimlessly around in the background looking years behind the times,” said casting director Ilenka Jelowicki, “As the filming will take place over two weeks, anyone wanting to appear in the movie would have to have absolutely no other demands on their time in September. Plymouth was the natural choice for us, being both an unemployment blackspot and a cultural desert.”

By bringing 250 short-term jobs to Plymouth, Hollywood is now the city’s biggest employer in recent history.

“We want to send out a message to all the producers of Hollywood,” said council leader Vivien Pengelly. “If you’re trying to find a ready-made army of bizarre-looking, talentless freaks and weirdos to stand around doing nothing, look no further - Plymouth is the answer.”