Saturday, 17 March 2012

Pope Too Pissed To Read God’s Memo re: Demotion Of St Patrick

Pope Benedict XVI is having such a whale of a time staggering around St Peter’s Square in his ceremonial pint-of-Guinness hat, challenging shit-faced celebrants of the Holy Feast of St Patrick to a fight and then hugging them, that he has completely forgotten about the memo God sent him this morning, red-faced red-robed cardinals admitted today.

According to the ‘Action immediately’-headed memo, God informs His earthly representative that He has finally lost patience with the patron saint of Ireland’s complete undermining of the Christian ethos of pious spirituality, and has busted him down to patron saint of street cleaners and urinal manufacturers.
What in the name of Christ makes you think this is a good look?
God is understood to have originally told St Patrick to rid Ireland of leprechauns, which the hapless holy man misheard as ‘reptilians’ after a heavy night on the fermented peat. The leprechauns subsequently exchanged their pots of gold for Diageo shares and fucked off to London to further their plans for world domination.

“While we’re on the subject,” God advises His oblivious vicar, “Paddy the Snakecharmer is not, and never has been, the patron saint of multinational corporations, so perhaps you could point out that his holy charm is not an enormous fucking hat. From now on, it’s a blue disinfectant cube. You might publicise this by dishing some out at Mass on Sunday, if any bugger manages to roll up.”

Earliest Christian Skeleton Already Boring Archaeologists

Leading archaeologists are already desperate searching for any excuse to avoid the oldest Christian remains ever found in Britain, it emerged just one day after the 1400-year-old skeleton was dug up in Cambridgeshire.

Desperately in need of a good shag, say experts
“The skeleton has been identified as that of an intensely irritating sixteen-year-old girl, no doubt a fresh convert to the recently-introduced faith after about a year of obsessing loudly about veganism and a brief emo phase,” yawned leading archaeopresenter Tony Robinson. “Phil, do we know how she died?”

“Well, Tonee, oi do reckon ‘urr must of bin ‘it on the ‘ead by a flagon, wot ‘er farvur prob’ly frowed at ‘urr to put a stop to ‘urr constant naggin’ ‘bowt ‘is drinkin’ ‘abits,” opined colleague Phil Harding, a leading expert on early Christian sanctimoniousness.

“This has to be one of the most infuriating finds I’ve ever seen,” Mr Robinson told a passing camera. “Just by lying there, this self-righteous little cow highlights all our shortcomings and keeps reminding us that we’re all going to hell when we die. The diggers are already at work on a new trench, and when it’s six feet deep we'll chuck her manky bones in, backfill it and knock up a quick ‘Danger: Radioactive Biohazard’ sign.”

“And we’ve got just three days to do it,” he added.

Friday, 16 March 2012

Disability Nearly Abolished

Soon you won't have to look  the other way ever again
Government plans to make disability a thing of the past are well ahead of schedule, according to delighted officials at the Department for No Work Or Pensions, as figures were released showing that 37% of Britain’s unsightly, unaffordable disableds have already been cured by a simple but miraculous interview.

“All our wildest hopes have been exceeded,” commented pioneering doctor Iain Duncan Smith. “Disability, you see, is simply a matter of perception - and Atos Medical’s teams of dedicated nine-to-five doctors and nurses have conclusively proved that all you have to do is stop believing the disabled and hey presto! Suddenly they’re not disabled any more.”

“Despite gloomy predictions from the National Audit Office of no more than a 6% cure, I dared to think that 25% could be achieved,” he enthused. “But to have hit 37% in the space of a year strongly suggests there is every likelihood of removing disabled people from our society for good.”

“And just in time for the next general election, too,” he smiled. “Which is more than anyone could have hoped for.”

First World Holds Breath Over Dreadful Hobbit Threat

How can a loving creator sit idly by and let such things happen?
The first world’s attention remains totally focused on the desperate humanitarian struggle for the name of a pub in Southampton today as - following a heartfelt plea for sanity and compassion to prevail, from a man who asks pointless questions for a living - a man who dresses up for a living became the latest statesmanlike figure to step forward and attempt to solve the greatest first world problem in history.

The man who dresses up is already acquainted with the man who asks questions, as both of them are involved in telling a story with moving pictures. Both men promised an anxious first world that, the moment they have finished their storytelling, they will definitely undertake a fact-finding mission to Southampton and experience at first hand a pint of warm, watery beer at the critically-endangered pub.

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Government To Sell The Future

Chancellor George Osborne announced today that the entire future of Britain is to be sold off - in the form of government bonds which will not have to be repaid, together with astounding amounts of accrued interest, until we are all safely dead and past caring.

George Osborne's economics advisor
“Last night I was watching the old episode of Futurama where 93 cents in Fry’s bank account grew into $4.3bn, thanks to a thousand years of compound interest at 2.25%,” explained Mr Osborne brightly. “And it dawned on me how irresistible that sort of return would look to any investment fund manager.”

The ‘super-long gilts’ which Mr Osborne is proposing will not be redeemable for at least a century, he smirked, and corporate investors will be encouraged to hang onto them for as long as they like and rack up a truly staggering interest bill - which a generation of unfortunate sods yet to be born will one day be presented with.

“I envisage two possible repayment scenarios,” explained the chancellor. “Either Britannia shall rise again, creating a star-spanning British Galactic Empire which will meet its historic debts through the shameless exploitation of native alien races dominated by our glorious space colonies, or your great-to-the-nth-power grandchildren will be hideous mutants harvested in battery farms for their internal organs.”

“Some may feel this places an unjust burden on future generations,” he admitted. “But if you want to maintain some semblance of a Western lifestyle for a few more years, I’d cordially advise you to shut the fuck up.”

Wikipedia Eyeing Move Into Print

'A-'Area Code 802 (disambiguation)'
With the Encyclopedia Britannica announcing the demise of its 32-volume paper edition today, Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales is said to be considering a move to fill the gap in the printed-media industry.

“We think there may still be a valuable niche market for a wall of matching book spines to impress dinner guests with,” explained Mr Wales. “Britannica’s problem is that 32 volumes simply aren’t enough these days. In fact, according to us, you can cover more vertical acreage with a d’Agostini partwork - and they throw in an authentic three-funnelled model of the Titanic as well. We calculate that our limited-edition hardcopy would run to about 400,000 volumes, which ought to intimidate the holy living crap out of your guests.”

For an extra fee, Mr Wales added, customers could even opt to have some old twaddle from Wikipedia actually printed on real pages inside one volume of their Incredible Wiki Wall-o’-Fact, which they could then display to occasional stubborn diners who dare to ask for a look.

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Obama Reassures Cameron: ‘Sure, You’re Special’

Spot the prime minister
Panting with anticipation, prime minister David Cameron has arrived in the United States to receive from President Obama the reassurance he craves that he – and by extension, the whole of the UK – is ‘special’.

Wagging his little vestigial tail with delight, Mr Cameron proudly took up his customary position at Barack Obama’s heel at the press call, and yapped with glee when the president threw him a biscuit and called him his ‘special’ friend.

The highlight of Mr Cameron’s stay with the master to whom he is devoted will come when, after being flown all the way to Ohio in the pets’ hold of Air Force One as a treat, he will be invited to perform tricks in front of an admiring audience.

“It’s so cute when David leaps up to catch my basketball in his little mouth,” smiled Mr Obama, as he absent-mindedly scratched his faithful puppy’s nodding head. “He doesn’t care how much it hurts, he just rolls over every time and begs for more. David’s a bit special, but we love him anyway. He’s our dumb, loyal friend who just keeps on giving.”

“Get off my leg, mutt,” he added.

Nev Filter Still Waiting For Police To Arrest Editor

The Nev Filter is still waiting for the police to come and arrest its editor and writer, after committing the same “racially-motivated public order offence” that 19-year-old Azhar Ahmed was charged with yesterday by the West Yorkshire force.

Racist bastard Nev reckons they should all be sent home
“Obviously, like Mr Ahmed, at the time I wasn’t actually aware that British soldiers were a distinct racial group as such,” admitted evil racist Nev, “But in law, ignorance is no defence and I am currently waiting for justice to be done all over me.”

Strangely, hardly any of the national papers could find space to cover Mr Ahmed’s – or indeed Nev’s – vile claim that British soldiers’ lives might in some way be over-valued in the media. The honourable exception was, naturally, the Daily Mail, which sensibly called for Mr Ahmed – and therefore, presumably, Nev – to be kicked out of Britain immediately for having the cheek to speak the heresy that Afghan lives were in some way equivalent to British ones.

“I expect that, like the papers, the police are simply too busy at the moment hunting everyone who has ever come into contact with Rebekah Brooks,” mused Nev, as he patiently made himself another coffee whilst waiting for the inevitable and richly-deserved knock on the door. “Apart from David Cameron, of course, who only ever went within a mile of her if someone can dig out a photograph of it.”

Monday, 12 March 2012

Express Strangely Reluctant To Describe Massacre Of Afghan Families As Mass Murder

Tragically, Afghans lack the Daily Express' sense of perspective
Daily Express scientists are tantalisingly close to reaching the definitive measure of human worth today, after discovering that – unlike the deaths of six British soldiers who drove over a hidden bomb last week - the senseless slaughter of 16 sleeping Afghan men, women and children by a US army sergeant fails to meet their strict criteria for mass murder.

“Thanks to meticulous research, we now know that one British squaddie is worth a million Jews,” explained project leader Professor Richard Desmond. “Other massacres in living memory conclusively prove that the life of the average British soldier is also equivalent to about 13 Swedes, 3650 Polish officers or roughly 125,000 Rwandans who are, of course, as black as the ace of spades.”

“We’re not quite sure exactly where the typical terrorist-loving towelhead appears on that scale, because their value is simply too tiny for our instruments to measure,” he admitted. “Rest assured, though, 16 less of them barely registers on our scale. And let’s not forget that nine of them were only kids. They only count as half.”

“Anyway, never mind all that gloom and doom,” beamed the renowned scholar and tit merchant. “What’s important is how hot Joan Collins is looking. OK, she may be 78, but I’d still give her one – who wouldn’t? Down, boy!”

Meanwhile the Express’ very own political cartoonist of the year, Paul Thomas, delighted the paper’s famously astute readers with a nice drawing of an elephant.

Clegg Thanks Party For Gift Of Knife In Back

This is a smile, and Nick Clegg has the respect of his party
Wearing his best upside-down smile, Nick Clegg wiped a tear from his eye at the Liberal Democrats’ spring conference in Gateshead as he thanked the party faithful for the touching gift they presented to him yesterday - which took the form of a gleaming stainless-steel scalpel, pinning between his shoulder blades a heartfelt note thanking him for all he has done for the party’s reputation in the two years since becoming deputy prime minister.

“I can’t quite reach round to pull it out and have a good look at it,” apologised Mr Clegg bravely, as delighted NHS paramedics gleefully threw him in the back of an ambulance bound for the Royal Cornwall Hospital. “But Shirley Williams tells me it’s a marvellous example of British precision toolmaking which I should definitely show to David Cameron, if he comes to visit me.”