The lifeless corpse of former Beatle John Lennon has been dug up and reanimated by the sinister One Laptop Per Child Foundation, as part of an inhuman plot to transform an entire generation of African children into the call-centre slaves of the future.
Lennon's leathery cadaver - which is badly decomposed after 28 years in the grave - is being manipulated by malevolent sorcerers into urging the public to buy the brightly-coloured, but almost totally useless, £135 XO laptop for their children. For every cute-but-inadequate computer sold, another will be forced on an impoverished child in Africa.
The foul necromancers say their aim is to create a generation who have the barest level of computer literacy needed to perform simple, repetitive tasks for just enough of a pittance to keep them hovering indefinitely on the brink of starvation.
"Despite our best efforts, the average Indian's standard of living is rising steadily," hissed a serpent-like spokesman for the magicians' unholy cabal. "Soon they will be able to free themselves from the curse of stultifying wage-slavery. We have, however, discovered a huge, untapped stock of humans in Africa - and, as many of its nations offer the added bonus of being run by corrupt, easily-bought governments who care nothing for the lot of their people, these lost souls will be bound to us for the whole of their worthless lives. To get them used to the idea of serving the computer constantly, the human hatchlings will find that they must wind a handle constantly, just to supply it with electricity. Now begone with your insignificant questions, puny man-thing, lest you awaken our cosmic lord's insatiable thirst for blood-sacrifice."
The rotting, soulless Lennon-travesty is set to claw its way into the nation's homes this evening, when the stars are right, dully shrieking its sinister, but seductive, message: "Brains! Brains, brains, brains, brains, brains."
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