Canadian Porn Killer Offered Cabinet Post

David Cameron confirmed today that Luka Rocco Magnotta - the Canadian porn actor, murderer and lunatic noted for posting chunks of his late girlfriend to all and sundry - has been invited to join the Cabinet as a minister without portfolio.

The PM is confident that nobody will get the chop

“Luka has an exceptional gift for making savage cuts, will screw anything that moves for money and feels that accepted standards of behaviour don’t apply to him,” explained the prime minister as he opened bail negotiations with the authorities in Berlin, where the maniac was caught.

“He’ll fit right in,” he added.

Milburn Strangely Silent On Eton Alumni Seeking Glittering Careers In Call Centres

Puzzled ministers are today rechecking government advisor Alan Milburn’s progress report on social mobility, amidst concerns that a key section on downward mobility may have been inadvertently omitted due to a printing error.

I say, do get those call-time averages down, chaps

“There’s chapter after chapter bemoaning the continued reluctance of employers in the fields of law, medicine and journalism to recruit the brightest chavs directly from their inner-city sink battlezones,” exclaimed baffled employment minister Chris Grayling. “Yet I can’t seem to find a single pie chart showing any rise in public-school entry into the hallowed ranks of cold-calling professionals.”

Mr Milburn is strangely short on detail, too, regarding the number of bankers’ sons and daughters planning a meteoric rise through retail display logistics, cherry-picking the most lucrative apprenticeships in boiler maintenance or rushing to enlist in the infantry.

“I’m quite sure that Mr Milburn must have plenty to say about the main political parties, concerning the tragically ongoing shortage of MPs who have ever done an day’s honest toil in their lives, considering that he used to be a postman himself,” sneered a top Whitehall mandarin. “Perhaps he delivered that bit to the wrong printers.”

Hunt Maintains Ministerial Independence

Test Proves Queen Capable Of Converting Text To Speech

Shiny thing make it all better

Artificial intelligence specialists pronounced themselves delighted with this morning’s State Opening of Parliament, in which the experimental text-to-speech app they installed in the Queen has proved itself fully capable of rendering even the most incomprehensible scribble into something closely resembling rational speech.

“If the software was going to trip over the test data anywhere, it was likely to be the gag about spotting terrorists by reading the entire internet in realtime,” laughed Dr Mel Strangelove, the project leader who, only last month, upgraded Queen Elizabeth II to Android Ice Cream Sandwich.

“We heard Apple were running a sweepstake on which bit would make Her Majesty stutter and crash, but we always knew she’d sail through without a glitch.” Dr Strangelove added that the Queen had now been put into standby mode and returned to the software lab, where developers hope she will soon be capable of looking at modern art and working out what it is supposed to represent.

Miliband Publishes List Of Working-Class People He’s Had Dinner With

Mr Miliband will have whatever you're having

As pressure mounts on David Cameron to tell the whole truth for once, Miliband Two added fuel to the fire by releasing an exhaustive list of every ordinary member of the public with whom he has ever shared a table but not the bill.

“I am proud to say that my dinner parties clearly show that, unlike Mr Cameron, I keep my feet firmly on the ground by only dining with typical members of the general public,” droned the Labour leader. “Lord Sugar, for example, is as common as muck and taught me a lot of rude words. And my gosh, I laughed so hard I nearly choked on my pasty when cheeky chappie Sir George Iacobescu was telling me about all the attractive ladies he’d wolf-whistle as he was building Canary Wharf with his own two hands.”

Meanwhile, deputy PM Nick Clegg earnestly invited anyone at all to dine with him, adding that no donations were necessary but it would be nice if they could bring along a bottle of Lambrini.

Wah, Say Motorists

Your local garage, now

Car addicts are tearing around today with their heads out of the window, screaming uncontrollably as they desperately track down all the remaining petrol in the country and pour it into every available container on the off-chance that a few tanker drivers might conceivably go on strike for a couple of days in a week or two.

“The kitchen sink, the bath, the bins and all the saucepans are brim-full, so I poured concrete down the toilet, just like Francis Maude told me, so now it’ll hold about 20 litres mmph glug,” blurted a haggard BMW lover on a garage forecourt in Hendon, as he sucked the last few drops out of a nozzle and stored them in his cheeks for future use.

Meanwhile, an embarrassed government hastily dispatched roads minister and former fireman Mike Penning to allay the fears of Britain’s panic-stricken motorists by grasping their shoulders, headbutting them in the face and telling them to “Get a fucking grip, shithead” – starting, live on national television, with his cabinet colleague, Francis ‘Firestarter’ Maude.

Government To Terrorise Cities With Mary Portas

Local government minister Gimp Shitts today unveiled a threat to pull the names of twelve unfortunate cities out of a hat, and inflict Mary Portas on them.

Attack of the 50ft harridan

“The problem facing Britain’s high streets is that there are simply not enough shops selling posh frocks and painful shoes to young women,” crowed Mr Shitts, as he gleefully scribbled the names of every provincial shithole in Britain on a sheet of A4 and tore it into strips with a ruler.

“The key to regenerating these ghastly northern toilets is a thorough bullying from an acid-tongued battleaxe,” he enthused. “In the old days this role was performed admirably by Mrs Thatcher, but she’ll be raving about the inaccuracies in Meryl Streep’s hairdo for the rest of her twilight years. Fortunately, in Britain’s hour of need, another bitter old hag who knows more about everything than anyone else has emerged to save us from ruin.”

“The only way the chosen victims will be ever able to rid themselves of the baleful presence of Mary Portas,” he warned, “Is to give in immediately to her demands. No matter how malicious, petty, short-sighted, counter-productive or self-defeating they may appear to – or, indeed - be.”

End This Crazy Disability Bonanza, Government Tells Lords

Your kids don't get handed one of these to play with

The government today urged the House of Lords to pass the bill it promises will at last halt the obscenely generous gravy train ridden by Britain’s selfish disableds.

“Them thievin’ vultures been livin’ the life of Riley for twenty years now while the rest of us starve, thanks to all them state freebies what that bleedin’ lefty John Major give ‘em,” pleaded undernourished crips minister Maria Miller, as she sat forlornly outside the entrance to the upper chamber with a dog on a string. “Please, milord mate, give us a vote - else I swear I’ll just have to stop me poor little middle-income mums’ Wine Benefit ration, the poor darlin’s.”

The government faces an uphill struggle in trying to explain to Their Rebellious Lordships that most disabilities – including Parkinson’s, muscular dystrophy, Down’s syndrome, terminal cancer and permanent vegetative state – are really no more debilitating or long-lasting than man flu, or a paper cut.

“Them bone-idle buggers are just as capable of the same low-paid, dead-end jobs as any other dolescum, if they could only be arsed to put whatever functioning body parts they might possess into it.” mumbled Ms Miller - who had to curtail her former marketing consultancy activities when she was cruelly elected to the House of Commons in 2005, and now has to cover all her many needs on a grudging state handout of £97,139 plus a meagre expenses allowance.

“I tell you, milord mate, I bleedin’ wish I was disabled,” she sobbed convincingly. “An’ I tell yer, there’s lots of others what feels the same way.”

Backlog Of Lessons To Be Learned Now Expected To Require 1000 Years Of Study

This is just the lesson to be learned from eating too many pickled onions

As the Health & Safety Executive predictably added the lessons to be learned from the Welsh coal mine tragedy to Britain’s enormous backlog of unlearned lessons, education experts warn that it will take generations of scholars 1000 years to absorb, understand and act upon the vast pile of terrible mistakes.

“As the government has, predictably, handed the initial inquiry into the flooding which caused the deaths of four miners to the South Wales Police, rather than to anybody who might reasonably be expected to have any sort of clue about mine safety, I think it’s safe to say we probably won’t be gaining any life-saving knowledge from this unfortunate incident within our lifetimes,” observed Professor Myfanwy Strangelove, curator of Britain’s ever-growing lesson mountain.

“Let’s face it, successive governments still haven’t really got to grips with picking out any tips on best practice from Harold Godwinson’s futile attempt to fight battles on two fronts, and that was way back in 1066. With a bit of luck, we should get around to safer mines just in time for the next millennium.”

“Right after we come up with a viable alternative to unrestrained global corporatism, in fact,” she added cheerfully.

Anarcho Squad To Arrest Francis Maude

Francis Maude, or someone who looks quite like him

City of Westminster police are preparing to storm the Houses of Parliament this aftrernoon, after a call for the public to inform on anarchists resulted in switchboards being jammed with warnings about the Conservative party, and Cabinet Office minister Francis Maude in particular.

“Anarchism is a political philosophy which considers the state undesirable, unnecessary, and harmful, and instead promotes a stateless society, or anarchy,” warned the City of Westminster’s counter-terrorism focus desk, on the same day that Mr Maude cheerfully admitted the wholesale wanton destruction of the machinery of government – with 17,000 civil servants taken out and many major infrastructure projects stopped dead in their tracks as part of a carefully-orchestrated £3.75bn assault on the very foundations of state.

“This is just scratching the surface of what we have planned for the coming months and years,” taunted the black-suited Maude on his notorious anarchist website, http://www.cabinetoffice.gov.uk.

“Remember, lads, the primary objective is this jumped-up little prick Maude, who struts around the gaff looking like Boris Yeltsin,” Inspector Savage of the Westminster Bastard Squad briefed his team as they eagerly smacked their nail-encrusted truncheons into their gloved palms. “But if you happen to see that budget-slashing creep Cameron, or his nihilist accomplices George Osborne or Theresa May, the odd riot shield in the teeth certainly won’t go amiss.”

Unions And Government Deep In Talks To Avert Strike Both Sides Are Spoiling For

Representatives of the government are still locked in desperate last-minute negotiations with union delegates - with both sides expressing optimism that, if they keep praying hard enough, an exasperated Jesus will magically appear, invite them to shut the fuck up and present them with a supernatural miracle which somehow enables both factions to claim victory.

Jesus might pop in later

The fundamental problem facing both sides is that they are all desperately looking forward to tomorrow’s national public-sector strike. The unions are dreaming that the walkout will spark an Arab Spring-style popular revolution leading to the overthrow of the discredited ConDem regime; while the government is trusting the papers to orchestrate citizen outrage at being somewhat inconvenienced for a few hours, in the hope that public-spirited vigilante groups will form spontaneous lynch mobs and string Britain’s remaining union members up from the nearest lamp-post.

“I expect the discussions are taking the form of the unions endlessly repeating, ‘Our members want N or M’ - in this case, protection guarantees for their pay, pensions and early retirement - and the government chanting, ‘Get stuffed, Trotsky’,” said a spokesman for industrial relations consultancy Ebenezer-Skrüge. “Those are the set invocations and responses as laid down in the Service For Deliverance From Industrial Dispute, a little-known appendix of the Alternative Service Book.”

“The hoped-for outcome is the simultaneous fulfilment of both sides’ wishes,” he added, “Which clearly demands divine intervention.”

Put Amusing Pictures Of Stoners On Drugs, Suggest Experts

The international war on drugs has failed, according to an influential report by the Global Commission On Drug Policy which suggests legalising all drugs but selling them with graphic pictures of users making complete tits of themselves in public.

“The global war on drugs has failed, with devastating consequences for individuals and societies around the world,” said the report, issued today. “Governments should instead experiment with models of legal regulation of drugs, but educate the population to chuckle at the hilarious consequences which users end up inflicting upon themselves.”

Government Health Warning: You are going to look like this

“See Appendix 12: there’s a brilliant picture of a bloke arguing with his fridge,” the authors concluded. “Isn’t that enough to make any sensible person think before rolling a joint?”

World leaders were quick to condemn the report, however.

“It’s sheer madness to allow people any degree of personal responsibility,” scowled David Cameron. “Decent people would be shooting all kinds of noxious thoughts out before you could say Jack Robinson, such as: ‘Why is it perfectly OK to piss it up until my ruined kidneys trickle out of my arse, but I can’t smoke a spliff now and then to relieve myself of the constant pain of advanced arthritis?’ By the end of the week, you’d be staring the end of civilisation in the face.”

"As you can plainly see,” he added solemnly, “Experimenting with models of legal regulation would inevitably lead to dangerous hard questions which permanently damage your perception of reality.”

Government Unveils Silliest Excuses For Fraudulent Benefit Claims

This is what an unemployed looks like

The government today unveiled the flimsiest excuses used by devious claimants in their efforts to get their thieving hands on the taxes paid by decent, hard-working families who live in the sunny south east.

“I used to have a job, but my company let me go because nobody’s got any money to buy anything any more";

“I used to be self-employed, but my company folded because nobody’s got any money and the banks aren’t giving out loans any more”;

“There are no bloody jobs, because we don’t make anything any more”;

And, most pathetic of all: “I’m disabled.”

The government added that it has renamed tomorrow’s bank holiday National Laugh At The Jobless Day, although a jobless who obviously has plenty of time on his idle hands pointed out that this is hardly a special occasion.

Benefit Claimants Unveil Silliest Excuse For A Fraudulent Government

Just sits around all day doing bugger all

1. David Cameron is the Prime Minister.
2. Nick Clegg is not.
3. George Osborne is the Canceller of the Exchequer.
4. Theresa May is the Lights-On-But-Nobody-Home Secretary.
5. Ken Clarke is the Lord Chancer.
6. William Hague is the Secretary From Another Planet.
7. Dr Liam Fox is the swivel-eyed Secretary of State for Attack.
8. Jeremy Hunt is the Secretary of State for Culture, Olympics, Sport and Mr Rupert Murdoch.
9. Dr Vince Cable is the Secretary of State for Any Other Business, Innovation and Skills.
10. Caroline Spelman is the Secretary of State for Selling the Environment.
11. Michael Gove is the Secretary of State for Denying The Poor An Education.
12. Angela Lansbury is the Secretary of State for Destroying the NHS (correct at time of writing).
13. Chris Huhne is the Secretary of State for Driving With Energy and Wife Change (ditto).
14. Richard Hammond is the Secretary of State for Petrolheads.
15. Eric Pickles.
16. Iain Duncan Smith is having a laugh.

Simplified Train Fares To Be Further Simplified Into One Price For All Tickets

This is the age of the train (36 years)

The government has announced another full review of train fares, with a view to simplifying them even more than a couple of years ago, when the last review of train fares was announced.

“The problem, in a nutshell, is that these bloody passengers will keep getting on trains all over the place and getting off wherever they damn well please,” complained transport secretary Richard Hammond. "Because of this, God only knows how many different tickets there are. More than ten, I reckon. Easily.”

“Not wishing to pre-empt the independent review’s findings, but I imagine some fares might have to go up, while others will probably go down,” he added. “By ‘some fares’ I mean singles, returns and season tickets, and by ‘others’ I mean the 14-day First Class All-Line Rail Rover.”

“Basically, all tickets will cost £989,” he concluded. “Unless you want to arrive at your destination in time to actually do anything, of course. I'm afraid that’s going to cost you.”

Number Ten Admits To Making Up Deputy Prime Minister

The cat seems real enough

Staff at 10 Downing Street have admitted that they routinely use false names on official communications, after veteran Labour MP Gerald Kaufman said he had received a reply signed by a “Mr N.Clegg” whom nobody could trace.

“I needed further clarification on a point of order, so I rang Number Ten and asked to speak to this Clegg fellow,” stormed Mr Kaufman. “At first I was fobbed off with some high-handed excuse that Mr Clegg does not speak on the telephone. When I asked if the cat had got his tongue I was put through to the cat, which was no help at all. When I rang back to complain about the cat, somebody finally admitted that Mr Clegg doesn’t actually exist at all. Apparently he was invented for the sole purpose of protecting the prime minister.”

“Real names have not been used on correspondence since 2005 for security reasons,” sniffed a Downing Street spokesman, who gave his name as Ziggy Stardust. “Until a year ago, our made-up fall guy was called ‘Gordon Brown’, and he was outstandingly successful at drawing off attacks which could otherwise have been done an awful lot of damage to Tony Blair.”

Nick Clegg, meanwhile, has announced that he has grave misgivings.

Finding A Space In House Of Lords Car Park Now Damnably Hard

Lord Adonis can't bear to rub shoulders with people like himself

A cross-party group of senior peers of the realm has rebuked prime minister David Cameron, warning him to stop creating any new peers as they are finding it “damnably difficult” to get a parking space since he added 117 “grubby little parvenus in their ghastly polyester suits” to the upper house.

Curiously, all 13 peers who endorsed University College London’s report into recent pressures on the House happen to be grubby parvenus themselves, including such jumped-up photocopier-seller johnnies as Lord Mackay of Number 23, Railway Cuttings, Lord Woolf of This Site Available For Redevelopment, Baroness Showgirl, Baroness Sousaphone, wee Lord Steel’s Spitting Image puppet and Lord Narcissus of that ego.

The group, which consists mostly of former MPs, added that the rapid influx of so many new ex-MPs has had a negative effect on the convivial, non-partisan atmosphere in the House of Lords Bar and Peers’ Dining Room.

“We’re all right so far, but what is desperately needed is for some commoner called Jack to pull a ladder up after us,” cautioned Lord Narcissus, as he admired his ermine-draped reflection in a full-length mirror.

Census Form Ushers In New Dark Age Of Nazism

Hooray! It's the listening totalitarian state you always wanted

The government began construction of a system of extermination camps and started planning the invasion of Russia today, as soon as private data-processing contractor Messerschmitt AG had put the last batch of 2011 Census forms in the post.

“It’s very simple,” announced fűhrer David Kamerad, as tailors measured him for a stylish black uniform and natty red armband designed by John Galliano. “You tell us how fast you can get up the stairs, whether you believe in Yoda and your understanding of the different usage of ‘to’ and ‘too’, and if you get any of them wrong we take you away and incinerate you. So you see there’s really nothing to worry about, schwein. Unless you’re functionally illiterate, immature or feeling a bit peaky.”

“Everyone agrees that Britain is overcrowded,” smiled deputy fűhrer Klaus Klegg. “Well, then this is the answer you’ve been waiting for.”

“So let’s hear no more complaints that the government doesn’t listen to the views of the man in the street,” he added. “Because that too will get you a one-way ticket up the chimney. Sieg!”

Charitable Britons Not Exactly Jumping For Joy At Promise Of Patronising Letter From Junior Minister Of Paperclips

+ Citizen transaction detected +

The government’s suggestion that some junior minister’s secretary might post a patronising form letter to members of the public who make large donations to charity has somehow failed to generate the hoped-for dancing in the streets, Cabinet Office minister Francis Maude admitted this evening.

“On the one hand, people seem to appreciate that simply having cash deducted from every transaction they make frees them from the onerous responsibility of having to actually think for themselves about which charities they might wish to support,” he said. “Unfortunately, however, people seem to have noticed that a suitable-for-framing letter from a government minister congratulating them on their generosity rather implies that the government will be keeping complete records of every single transaction they make, right down to which cash machines they use, and for some reason they find this rather irksome.”

Charities have already welcomed the scheme, albeit with some reservations.

“We think the scheme doesn’t quite go far enough,” said John Low, the rather well-paid chief executive of some strange and hitherto unnecessary entity calling itself the ‘Charities Aid Foundation’. “What we would greatly prefer to see is a scheme whereby everybody’s wages are automatically paid direct to us, and we can then opt to make the occasional one-off donation of a small percentage of their earnings to people whenever a rare mood of philanthropic benevolence briefly takes us.”

Cameron And Clegg Sew New ‘Property Of R. Murdoch’ Label To Vince Cable’s Tongue

After 24 hours of Kay Burley, Mr Cable will be like this for the rest of his life

The leaders of the coalition have reacted quickly to Lib Dem rebel Vince Cable’s astonishing attack on media tycoon Rupert Murdoch, by stitching a new label to the business secretary’s tongue and reminding him to look at it every morning when he brushes his teeth.

“I bought this bastard government fair and square,” exploded the owner of News International, “Just like I bought the last one, and the one before that, and the one before that. If I want to fulfil my manifest destiny by gaining complete control of information across the entire globe, it’s no bloody business of jumped-up little nobodies like the British government to interfere with my plans for world domination.”

“Some little shit will be expecting me to pay tax next,” he added, as his faithful editors hastily fabricated front pages about the loathsome business secretary’s newly-invented predilection for little boys and farmyard animals.

Grovelling abjectly as they backed out on their knees from their lord and master’s presence, David Cameron and Nick Clegg swiftly caught the maverick business secretary in a trap - cunningly baited with a pair of dancing shoes - and examined him for defects before noticing that Mr Murdoch’s label had somehow come loose, possibly during a paso doble.

After strapping Mr Cable into a dentist’s chair and bombarding him non-stop with Sky News for 24 hours, the PM then forced the reprogrammed Mr Cable’s jaws open while Mr Clegg carefully stitched a new strip of fabric printed with ‘Property of R. Murdoch’ in place.

Meanwhile, opposition leader Ed Miliband faithfully promised the disgruntled billionaire that, if Labour were in power, he would assuredly have strung any such cabinet traitors up with piano wire, dragged their bodies through the streets in chains and sent the bloody chunks of their dismembered corpses to every MP’s constituency office.