“Only the other day, a defenceless Christian registrar was ordered at gunpoint by jackbooted atheists to conduct a humiliating civil partnership for two burly, grunting lesbians while the British public just looked on and let it happen,” the former archbishop warned a shocked world. “And what about the suffering of the faithful Christian who was - quite literally - kicked out of his job at Relate merely for expressing his sincerely-held belief that the only relationship counselling buggers need is a graphic description of the exquisite torments awaiting them in the fires of hell?”
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“You mark my words, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if one of the jumped-up little dictators who interfere in every aspect of decent Christians’ lives nowadays didn’t come out with some sinister demand that Christians should wear a cross to identify themselves at all times,” he told reporters at a secret underground crypt.
Moments later, his outspoken friend and colleague Cardinal Keith O’Brien gave the coded knock and collapsed into the oppressed believers’ sanctuary with horribly burned ears.