They’ll Be Forcing Us To Wear Crosses Next, Warns ‘Holocaust’ Carey

Goose-stepping secular thugs are brutally oppressing Christians every single day in Atheist Britain, according to a shocking exposé which Lord George Carey has submitted to the Daily Telegraph Court of Human Rights.

“Only the other day, a defenceless Christian registrar was ordered at gunpoint by jackbooted atheists to conduct a humiliating civil partnership for two burly, grunting lesbians while the British public just looked on and let it happen,” the former archbishop warned a shocked world. “And what about the suffering of the faithful Christian who was - quite literally - kicked out of his job at Relate merely for expressing his sincerely-held belief that the only relationship counselling buggers need is a graphic description of the exquisite torments awaiting them in the fires of hell?”

Richard Dawkins responds to Lord Carey's concerns

Lord Carey went on to paint a grim picture of show trials conducted by baying atheists, terrified believers being ordered to remove Christian images from public spaces with a toothbrush and officious railway unbelievers forcing pinch-faced Christians to share hideously overcrowded cattle-class carriages with the damned.

“You mark my words, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if one of the jumped-up little dictators who interfere in every aspect of decent Christians’ lives nowadays didn’t come out with some sinister demand that Christians should wear a cross to identify themselves at all times,” he told reporters at a secret underground crypt.

Moments later, his outspoken friend and colleague Cardinal Keith O’Brien gave the coded knock and collapsed into the oppressed believers’ sanctuary with horribly burned ears.

Loss Of Tax-Deductible Donations Could Force Us To Use More Chuggers, Plead Big Charities

If chancellor George Osborne presses ahead with his plans to limit millionaires’ cosy little tax rebates on charitable giving, warned Britain’s best-known charities today, don’t be surprised to find a detachment of pushy students camped out on your doorstep every morning, eager to harangue you into signing your family’s entire income away before you can climb into your car and drive to work.

“Our members are faced with the ever-spiralling cost of supporting a growing army of marketing agencies,” pointed out Sir Steven Blubb, head of the Association of Chief Executives of Voluntary Organisations. “Without our help, millions of impoverished students in Britain would starve.”

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“Please, look into Emily’s haunted eyes,” he implored, holding up a heart-rending picture of a photogenic young student, “Her young life has been blighted by not being able to afford basic necessities which you and I take for granted, like a pair of Ugg boots. The agency we work with locally set her up with a commission-based job to help make her fashionable again and rebuild her shattered self-esteem - but her cruel government says it’s wrong for wealthy philanthropists to claim a nice wad of tax back, threatening to send her back to a pitiful life of scavenging in our shop for uncool rags. Can you help?”

“And spare a thought for poor James, a penniless PhD intern slaving away at our London headquarters,” he cajoled seductively. “For months he’s been sweating on a spreadsheet for up to 14 hours a day, just so his uncaring bosses can put out a big press release every year saying how lovely they are. Without large donations from kind-hearted tax avoiders, his computer could be taken away from him and he’d be forced out on the streets to buttonhole you with a disturbing sob story about having to do long division with his bare hands. Please, won’t you help us to prevent this tragedy?”

Finally, Sir Steven urged the generous British public to call Mr Osborne immediately and pledge to vote regularly against the Conservatives - even if it’s just a small amount at a local level.

Bigots Place Trust In Courts, Not God

Magic Sky Pixie Issues, a pressure group dedicated to spreading their imaginary friend’s hatred of touching other men’s bottoms through the evangelical ministry of buses, is formally transferring its faith from God to the English legal system as it threatens to sue London mayor Boris Johnson for banning The Sermon On The 29A.

Christians need no further explanation

The group - which claims that homosexuals can be cured simply by spending the rest of their lives nodding intensely at the delusions of raving bigots - has chosen not to curse Mr Johnson with the traditional smiting of boils or plaguing of locusts, preferring instead to place its hopes in a letter from their learned friends, who are eagerly putting together an unarguable set of eye-watering fees.

“I didn’t realise I was living in a Stalinist police state,” ranted Mike Davidson, co-director and 50% of the membership of Magic Sky Pixie Issues, “Although I daresay the Magic Sky Pixie probably found a little corner of heaven for Stalin in the end - Hitler too, come to think of it - on account of their commendably Old Testament treatments for knob jockeys.”

“You see, there’s a little bit of the divine in everybody,” he smiled radiantly. “Not his cock, though. That would definitely be a sin.”

Modern Coventry Strangely Unfamiliar With Aircraft, Bombs And Ground Tremors

Not an earthquake

The inhabitants of Coventry are to be asked exactly why they think their city is a concrete shithole before being sat down for a little chat with their grandparents, after flooding Twitter yesterday with unprecedented ignorance of their own past when an RAF jet went supersonic.

“You might think that, having become a byword for indiscriminate death and destruction raining down from the skies, Coventry might know at least some of the key characteristics of bombs, tremors and aeroplanes,” sighed a Ministry of Defence spokesman. “For the benefit of the internet generation, let me recap. The telltale sign of an earthquake is things falling over, not a loud bang. If things fall over and there’s a loud bang, it could be a bomb. If there’s a loud bang but nothing falls over, well, that would be one of our planes doing Mach 1.”

“We do try not to do it too often,” he apologised, “Because you’re idiots.”

British Weapons ‘Just The Thing’ To Speed Up Peaceful Transition To Democracy, Say Burma’s Generals

With sanctions against the military-backed Burmese government due to run out at the end of the month, British arms salesman David Cameron and his employers are in Rangoon today outlining the many delightful ways his hosts’ security forces could deploy top-quality British-made weaponry to ease their nation’s smooth transition to a fully democratic system of government.

Only FH70 offers multicoloured smoke as an option

“Look, you don’t want cheap Chinese rubbish,” insisted Mr Cameron greasily. “Their batons are notorious for breaking the first time you direct some ignorant peasant to the nearest polling booth.”

Mr Cameron also used his legendary charm to persuade the Burmese authorities that Britain’s firework launchers, whilst perhaps not quite as attractively-priced as French or American models, keep on deploying their pyrotechnic amusements long after their competitors have been returned to the depot for a re-bore.

The leading but shy British businessmen who are keeping Mr Cameron company on his statesmanlike Far Eastern beano insisted that each and every weapon sold to the Burmese government will be supplied with a really important sticker marked ‘CAUTION! May choke small Aung San Suu Kyi’ on the packaging.

NHS Trusts Say Welcome To The 24-Hour Society, Suckers

Hospital chiefs have reacted to public outrage over the routine weekly discharging of thousands of patients into the dead of night by inviting Britain to drag itself kicking and screaming into the endless 24-hour utopia that is the 21st century.

NHS chiefs thought you'd be glad to escape

“Look at it this way,” said Brichester NHS Hospitals Trust CEO Roland Franklyn. “Thanks to the communications consoles we’ve installed over every bed whether you want one or not, we know that more and more patients are passing the tedious hours of their post-op recovery by ordering all sorts of crap on the internet or via the shopping channels. By wheeling them out of the door in the wee small hours, we’re making sure they’re ready and waiting at home when the courier turns up at 7am sharp on their doorstep with their deliveries.”

“So this is the thanks we get for trying to be helpful, is it?” he sneered. “The society that never sleeps is OK when it suits you, but not when it suits us? Screw you. Have it your own way, just don’t expect a bed all to yourself when you come round from the anaesthetic. Let’s see how you enjoy spending a whole night trying to avoid the spreading patch of old Mrs Simpkin’s wee.”

Syrians Pleased To Be Dying Under Ceasefire

Numerous Syrians who have been shot since the bilateral ceasefire came into effect today told reporters, as they succumbed to their wounds, how grateful they were to the UN for allowing them the opportunity to be the first victims of a new era of peace and stability.

Yes, well done you

In the aftermath of a roadside bomb in Aleppo, as what remains of him was being loaded into an ambulance, a soldier loyal to the Syrian government gasped that his missing legs were a small price to pay for an end to the sickening violence.

“I am so glad the fighting is over at last,” gurgled an optimistic Homs resident, on the other side of the truce which proud UN observers say is ‘holding’, as he lay in a pool of his life’s blood with an army bullet of hope lodged peacefully in his throat. “It is comforting to know that my imminent death represents a first step towards a permanent reconciliation.”

“Well, I think it’s all going rather splendidly, don’t you?” a delighted Kofi Annan tweeted to President Assad.

‘Overpriced Shit’ Business Model Not Quite Working Out For Sony

Baffled Sony executives are today struggling to understand how they could possibly lose money by slapping a shiny casing with their name on it around an LCD made by Samsung, telling their customers the resulting TV is Like. No. Other and charging 25% more than the equivalent Samsung model.

“In just 15 years, Apple soar from wiping shameful parts with shares to most valuable company on planet by shamelessly helping selves to wallets of technology junkies with more money than sense,” wept chief executive Hirai Kirai, as he solemnly reported a record $6.4bn loss. “But Sony fashionable innovator too!”

Inspiring, elegant, aspirational: how easily the world forgets Elcaset

“$2000 Aibo make digital water on inexpensive Roboraptor! Millions marvel at Rolly on YouTube when manic MP3 player on wheels fall off desk! How you forget life-changing MiniDisc?” he screamed. “Apple magic formula not work to Sony's advantage. Why? Why?”

The contrite Mr Hirai then attempted to slice himself open with a stylish but eye-wateringly priced Sony sword. Unfortunately, it was far too needlessly complicated for him to figure out how to access its ‘ritual suicide’ function.

Researchers ‘Don’t Need Research Skills,’ Say Lapdancers

Researchers no longer need research skills because vice-chancellors prefer academics who are better at ‘hustling’ their university’s name into the tabloids, rather than expanding the frontiers of human understanding, a study has suggested.

University administrators have compensated for falling profits in the academic downturn by demanding more media-friendly sensation from their performers, according to leading frottage specialists Jade and Nikki from Leeds’ prestigious Red Leopard Club. They told the British Sociological Association's annual conference that universities had relaxed standards and increased the fees students pay to dodge the Jobcentre for three years, in order to remain buoyant.

The University of Leeds' peer-review process is well underway

The expert cock-rubbers said: "It was unnecessary to have any intellectual skills whatsoever, let alone the ability to do mathematic tricks with a poll. The core skill necessary shifted from analysis to hustling for column inches."

One PhD student complained about what she said was a fall in standards. She told the lapdancers: "You'd see some girl who wasn't very bright, couldn't study, had a crap degree, making a lot more headlines than you because she was there to hang around ass-pits, not to advance the frontiers of knowledge and be intelligent."

"Overall,” concluded leading tug job authority Nikki, 36D, “There was a consensus that the cost to human knowledge of working in a university was increasing, in order to cover its overheads – such as all those shiny, soon-to-be-redundant PFI halls of residence they’ve scattered across campus on the never-never - and ensure their establishment makes a profit even when its academic reputation is non-existent."

“I can show you an unforgettable in-depth explanation in my private study area round the back of the library if you like, big boy,” she added.

Convenient Amnesia Outbreak Spreads To Blair

Former prime minister Tony Blair has become the latest victim of the terrible Convenient Amnesia epidemic which is striking so many establishment figures dumb, after tragically failing to remember why he told the British public that his government was absolutely opposed to extraordinary rendition, while his security services were cheerfully kicking anyone who looked a bit shifty to the Americans onto the next unscheduled flight to Diego Garcia.

Mr Blair genuinely has no idea why this matters

Convenient Amnesia was first diagnosed in the US in 1986, when Lt Col Oliver North developed the symptoms after a trip to Nicaragua - or possibly Iran, as he was unable to recall his travel arrangements - and quickly infected then-president Ronald Reagan. The deadly disease rapidly spread, and is now endemic throughout the elites of the world.

“Not so long ago Tony was perfectly capable of running out a superb line of self-justifying bullshit whenever he felt like it,” explained a brain surgeon. “When he was on form, he could effortlessly pull a rubber terrorist out of the top of his head and wave it threateningly in your face until you ran away, or give his credibility a good stretch by claiming that God had told him it was OK. Now he just sits vacantly in front of a microphone on The World At One, trying desperately to remember a single excuse.”

Scientists are working hard to discover a cure for this awful affliction. Meanwhile, for sufferers like Tony, their only hope is to pray that they don’t.

Movie Review: The Osborne Show

In an world addicted to contrived voyeuristic TV, ratings are dominated by the ultimate reality series – in which an innocent child unwittingly grows up surrounded by hidden cameras and millionaire actors who are only pretending to pay their taxes. Welcome, viewers, to The Osborne Show.

Lovable everyman George Osborne (played by rubber-faced goofball Jim Carrey) enjoys his job and likes everybody inside his artificial bubble until, on day 10919, a strange bundle of used tenners suddenly drops from the sky in front of him in an airmail package addressed to ‘The Cayman Islands’. Later, at his desk in the Treasury, an intrigued Osborne delves into the files – only to find that no such place appears to exist. However, when he checks the tax records, he is shocked to learn that neither he, his friends and family nor anyone else in his entire world has ever contributed a single penny to the economy.

His whole life has been a carefully-constructed illusion

Although the cynical executives who really run the show are initially alarmed, they quickly realise that the fickle viewing public will be easily distracted by Osborne’s emotional turmoil as he descends into fear and paranoia, driven to rebel against everything he has ever known and tormented by the gnawing suspicion that he may be the lifelong victim of a cruel deception.

The film succeeds because, from the very start, the audience knows what Osborne does not, seeing the scheming executives controlling everything for their own purposes, and longs for him to escape his comfortable bubble and break out into the real world.

Ironically, of course, it is only a fantasy. The Osborne Show ultimately fails to drive home the important issues it raises about wealth, the media and the rich men who control our lives, because the audience is too busy laughing to take it seriously.

Cameron Slated For Flying Dinner Guests To Japan On Non-British Plane

The jet-setting prime minister is facing mounting anger today for not using a British airline to take his friends to dinner in Japan.

Your return flight has been booked, prime minister

David Cameron rode into a storm of criticism as he flew out - along with representatives of 35 British businesses – on a chartered Angolan jet, hoping to put a little Japanese trade their way as a thank-you for their generous party donations.

“We’re bloody furious,” said a spokesman for the British air-travel industry. “All those brown envelopes our members have handed to Peter Cruddas seem to count for nothing. Sure, the pudding was exquisite, but we want a refund.”

The airlines were not mollified by Mr Cameron’s desperate announcement of closer ties between Britain and Japan’s defence industries.

“For fuck’s sake, Cameron, British Aerospace is an arms manufacturer, not an airline,” commented a spokesman for British Airways. “Pull your bloody finger out, or from now on you’ll be flying third-world class until one of the wings falls off.”