Putin Pledges Personal Vote For British Troll Dirge

Vladimir Putin, the Russian Prime Minister and former head of the KGB, has pledged his personal vote for Britain’s still-to-be-written entry to next year’s Eurovision Song Contest, after Andrew Lloyd-Webber travelled to Russia to find out why Britain’s entries have fared so badly.

“Ghastly, arse-faced English lord appear without warning at breakfast table in Kremlin,” said the fearless, tiger-shooting hard man of post-Soviet politics. “I scream, I throw bowl of Frosties but he not go away. He ask me, ‘Why nobody like me, I mean us, oh great bear of Russia?’ I realise he just big, soft girly-man. Ice of Putin’s heart melt away like winter snows. I give warm but manly hug. I tell him that I, Putin, send SMS vote for British troll-friends next time for sure. He go away ugly but happy. Putin eat Frosties.”

“Some may say that one man’s vote will not make a great deal of difference to the international voting,” grunted Lord Lloyd-Webber from his luxury sewer. “But Mr Putin explained to me that his vote is like his gas. If he passes gas in our direction, all of Russia sends its gas to Britain too. In fact, he treated me to a demonstration of the potency of his gas, which was quite a memorable experience. I shall probably write it into my next musical. I think it was in the key of A#.”

“I’m happy to say that, from now on, politics will no longer play any part in the Eurovision voting,” he added.

Fancy-Dress Charles Marks 60 Years of Not Being King

Prince Charles has been indulging in one of his family’s favourite pastimes as he celebrates 60 years of waiting for his mother to die, by dressing up in pretend clothes and fondly imagining himself as some sort of military leader.

His official birthday portrait, unveiled on Friday, depicts the prince in a ceremonial costume bedecked with enormous shiny medals given to him by his mummy, pretending to be in the Welsh Guards. The photograph, by leading sycophant Hugo Burnand, is the latest example in a longstanding tradition of exercises in royal wish-fulfilment. The picture is to be hung next to the famous photograph of Prince Harry proudly wearing the uniform and swastika of Hitler‘s Afrika Korps, taken in 2005.

The Prince enjoyed a full day of activities, beginning with breakfast in bed, served by the Duchess of Cornwall in the traditional costume of a Zulu warrior. He then donned an admiral’s uniform to play with his battleships in the bath, before dressing in a full NBC suit and gas-mask for a meeting with some real people at a Prince’s Trust project, probably involving turntables. Later he changed into a fetching leather flying helmet and fleece-lined jacket, and pretended to be a Major in the Royal Flying Corps at Covent Garden.

The martial make-believe continues on Saturday with a party thrown by Camilla, featuring gravel-voiced old fart Rod Stewart. Her husband is widely tipped by royal reporters to be dressing up in a centurion outfit for the occasion, although some believe he will mark the occasion by trying to pass himself off as Sergeant Wilson from the Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard.

Charles will have to be careful not to be upstaged by his sons, however, who will be wearing real uniforms as serving members of His Mummy’s Armed Forces. They are taking time out from their arduous military duties in the West End to attend.

Mariah Carey Squeezes Out Another Hit

Pop legend Mariah Carey has revealed that she found the inspiration for her hit song ‘Hero’ while sitting on the toilet.

Speaking on TV show This Morning, the pop diva explained that she was caught short during a recording session, and whilst opening her bowels she recalled somebody telling her about the Dustin Hoffman film, Hero.

“When I got up for my PA to give me a wipe, I looked into the bowl and thought, ’There’s something I can use.’ So I ordered my PA to roll up her sleeve and fish it out - and after a quick polish, hey presto! Another megahit from the Mariah Carey song factory.”

New Testament Faces Slight Rewrite as Greek Monks Discover Body of Christ in Tomb

Yesterday’s fight between Greek and Armenian monks in Jerusalem’s Church of the Holy Sepulchre has taken a new turn, with the shock announcement by the Greek Orthodox Church that one of their clerics did in fact succeed in entering the Edicule.

“One of our brethren discovered the 2000-year-old mummified corpse of our Lord Jesus Christ inside the tomb,” said the Patriarch of Jerusalem. “This has come as a bit of a surprise, to say the least.”

Also inside the sepulchre was a visitor’s book, containing the names of - among others - Lara Croft, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Indiana Jones, Dr John Dee, Paracelsus, Saladin, Abdul Alhazred and Caligula.

Christians all over the world will now have to come to terms with the disturbing implication that, although Christ may have died for their sins, those sins have not in fact been redeemed and they will probably be going to Hell for all eternity.

“Let us look on the bright side,” said the Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams. “Since Christ was born of a virgin, his DNA must therefore be 100% God’s. Once we have successfully sequenced God’s DNA, we should be able to implant it into human egg cells, creating an army of clone-Christs to intercede with our Heavenly Father on our behalf.”

The Vatican is expected to issue a Papal Edict soon, telling all Catholic virgins that it is their duty to carry the sacred God-eggs to term for the sake of mankind’s salvation.

280-Litre Tritium Leak Nothing to Worry About, Says 50ft Flying Lobster

The spilling of 280 litres of irradiated reactor coolant into the river Tamar is completely harmless, said a gigantic winged lobster today as it plucked unconcerned Plymothians from the streets and crushed them in its fearsome mandibles.

The lobster-creature, which emerged from the murky waters of Plymouth Sound late this afternoon, is thought to have mutated over a period of many years, thanks to a catalogue of radioactive leaks from Devonport Dockyard’s nuclear submarine complex since it was privatised.

The latest hazard was caused by a hose bursting as irradiated cooling water - likely to be contaminated with tritium - was being pumped from HMS Trafalgar. The accident occurred in spite of improved safety measures supposedly put in place after previous incidents.

A spokesman for the Royal Navy, Lt. Cmdr. Strangelove, speaking from a lead-lined concrete bunker half a mile beneath the city, was quick to reassure concerned citizens, if there were any.

“Initial sampling has not detected any radioactive contamination in the local environment,” he smiled through his NBC suit’s thick visor. “Of course, tritium - which enters the food chain in contaminated water, is carcinogenic and mutagenic, and is especially hazardous to growing cells - is difficult to detect without sophisticated equipment, so our Cold War-era radiation badges may not really be up to the job. Fortunately, though, tritium is odourless and tasteless, and it’s well known that what you can’t see can’t hurt you.”

The 250,000 easily-reassured inhabitants of Plymouth immediately relaxed, and returned to their normal occupations of unprotected sex, vandalism, abusing strangers, racing uninsured old Astras and chanting ‘Arguy-oe’.

The gigantic flying lobster paused from its rampage to say: “I’m not too worried about ingesting contaminated Janners. I’ve been eating their sewage for years, and it’s done me no harm whatsoever. In fact, I’ve positively thrived on it.”

Tender Teen Minds Ripped to Shreds By Obscure Glitter GCSE Footnote

Thousands of GCSE Music pupils traumatised senseless by the loathsome paedovore Gary Glitter have been shut in rooms with trained counsellors and urged to talk about their sense of sexual violation, after it was revealed that the AQA exam board had stupidly placed his 70s hit ‘I’m the Leader of the Gang (I Am)’  on a list of ‘related listening‘.

A sharp-eyed headmaster in Windsor fainted dead away when he saw the evil glam-perv’s name on an exam paper, and after a sharp tot of brandy contacted the exam board to demand the withdrawal of the paper. He was initially told it was too late to do anything, but after contacting the Sun and getting the story splashed all over the front page he later heard that AQA had somehow found the time after all and pulled the paper.

“Boys and girls of 15 or 16 who select this song will go straight to the internet to find Glitter’s music,” he shuddered. “I dread to think what they may find searching online for him. Who knows what disgusting predatory messages lie concealed in the warped lyrics of ‘Rock and Roll Part 2’?”

The Sun’s education correspondent, Kelli (18) and her fantastic 36D knockers commented: “Tits. Tits, tits, tits, tits, tits tits tits tits titstitstitstitstitstitstitstitsTITS.”

“Tits,” she added.

Smite Evil Heretic Greeks/Armenians From The Face of the Earth, Say Armenians/Greeks

In a dramatic escalation of a monk-fight in Jerusalem’s Church of the Holy Sepulchre, Greece has launched a brutal crusade of annihilation against the small, landlocked Caucasian state of Armenia, and is appealing for help from its NATO allies to utterly extirpate the wicked heretic nation.

Fighting initially broke out when Greek monks at the shrine, for some obscure reason known only to themselves, tried to install one of their number inside the Edicule - an ancient structure said to encase the tomb of Jesus - during the Armenian Feast of the Cross.

Armenian priests immediately put down their bowls of holy, vitamin-packed splinters and laid into the unwholesome Greek apostates with anything that came to hand, including deadly tapestries. The Greeks defended themselves vigorously with the aid of fearsome-looking candles, until Israeli police arrived and broke up the brawl.

“What the heathen Armenian scum have done is unforgivable,” said the patriarch of the Greek Orthodox church. “Christ will not be avenged for this slight until they and their foul beliefs have been exterminated forever.”

“All the sacred teachings of Jesus tell us that the only good Greek is a dead Greek,” countered the catholicos, the head of the Armenian church, issuing a counter-call for Russian military assistance. World leaders fear a nuclear Armageddon could be on the cards, if the mumbo-jumbo disagreement escalates into global conflict.

The Pope, meanwhile, is reported to have put the Catholic Air Force on alert, while the Archbishop of Canterbury appealed for tea and biscuits.