Children Are Evil, Admits Charity

Want! It! NOW!

New research has conclusively proved that children are utterly and irredeemably evil, a leading children’s charity confirmed today.

“What parents have long suspected is true,” acknowledged a quaking Anne Longfield, chief executive of 4Children. “They have spawned an unstoppable legion of brutal monsters.”

“God help us,” she moaned in terror. “They’ll kill us all.”

Meanwhile, the rampaging child horde issued its latest ultimatum to Britain, threatening that one supermarket will be wrecked every day until they all get PS Vitas.

Your Children’s Irredeemable Ghastliness Might Possibly Have Something To Do With Yours

The spoilt behaviour, self-obsessed attitudes and impossible expectations of your godawful spawn could conceivably be in some way connected to your spoilt behaviour, self-obsessed attitudes and impossible expectations, Ofsted chief inspector Sir Michael Wilshaw told Britain’s appalling parents – i.e. you - moments before sealing himself inside the well-stocked secret bunker where he will spend the rest of his life avoiding your wrath.

Oh look, it's the latterday Virgin Mary

“It might have helped a bit if you hadn’t appointed Jordan - a walking orange whose tits drip silicates - as the 21st-century equivalent of Dr Benjamin Spock,” he warned sadly. “And perhaps if you hadn’t delegated all responsibility for your offspring’s welfare and development to their poor bloody teachers, the DVD player and a Nintendo DS Lite, they might even consider standing on their own two feet one day, instead of plaguing you with incessant, whining demands until the merciful day that you die. Which, needless to say, they will never forgive you for.”

“But hey, don’t listen to me because I’m only some sort of expert, so what do I know?” Sir Michael added ruefully, as the hatch closed over his head forever. “Whereas you, of course, were born knowing it all.”

Contact With Anybody At All Turns Young People Into Teenage Alcoholics

This always happens whenever two children meet

Coming into contact with parents or friends is the cause of underage drinking, according to new research from the Rowntree’s Fruit Pastilles Foundation published today.

If children see their parents drinking, even once or twice, they will get pissed immediately,” asserted head researcher Dr Melvin Strangelove of Dipsos MORI, who conducted the poll. “If children spend any time with friends, they will get pissed immediately. The only conclusion is for children to be taken away at birth and confined to a padded cell for eighteen years. QED.”

“Whilst in solitary confinement, it is imperative that the child not be shown any 18-rated films,” he elaborated sternly. “If they see one, they will get pissed immediately.”

A spokesman for the government, however, pointed out that there were some fantastic discounts on twelve-packs of lager at Tesco and Sainsburys at the moment.

Parents Are Fuckwits, Reveals Survey

Parents are utterly convinced that a knife-wielding maniac will murder their children unless they are protected from stab wounds by a six-inch layer of fat, according to a survey published today.

The poll shows that only 5% of parents thought that shovelling an endless stream of crisps and sugar down their bloated children’s throats posed any health risk, yet one in three was absolutely certain that a bad man would certainly jump out and dismember their little darlings if they were irresponsible enough to let them waddle to school.

“For some reason, parents are convinced that some evil stranger wants nothing more than to deprive the world of their blubbery spawn,” said a parenting expert with a certificate. “But the stark truth is that children are most at risk from members of their family circle - especially when their family circle contains at least one utter fuckwit."

"Which, according to these figures, seems to be a statistical certainty,” she added.

Britain’s upset parents reacted to the findings by running wild in supermarkets, shouting and screaming, “Why int the Walkers multipacks on special offer no more?” and “Where’s them oven chips?” until their vexed children suddenly exploded in temper tantrums and yelled at their unruly parents to get here, now, and shut the fuck up.

9 Out Of 10 Parents Think Coco Pops Are Some Kind Of Food

A chilling survey published today by the British Heart Foundation shows that nine out of ten breeders are such gullible fucktards that simply carving the words 'Nutritional Information' into a kilo of lard would convince them that it was a perfectly safe substance to cram into the faces of their children morning, noon and night.

"Regrettably, it seems you can print anything - or indeed nothing - after the inscription, 'Nutritional Information'," observed a despairing BHF boffin with a proper qualification. "Most parents in Britain are so pitifully dense that they couldn't tell a vitamin from a saturated fat if you hit them repeatedly in the face with a huge, grunting porker - or, for that matter, one of their own globular spawn, which is much the same thing these days."

Other magic words which instantly disengage any remaining brain cells from ringing alarm bells on sugary cholesterol in a packet include 'wholegrain', 'enriched', 'calcium' and 'unleaded'.

"I'm afraid it's got to the stage where parents would happily tip the entire contents of a 500g box of salt into their child's gaping gullet, as long as the packaging reassured them that it contained 'no added salt'," the spokesman went on sadly. "As a rational scientist I'm not a religious man - but in the face of such staggering idiocy, Christ on a bike is all I can think of."

A grinning, fork-tailed minor demon from the Kellogg's Circle of Hell refuted the scientists' claims by pointing out that one tiny Coco Pops Cereal And Milk Bar "actually contains less than two teaspoons of sugar per bar" - prompting millions of Pavlov-conditioned parents to rush out immediately to buy a multipack of the sickly-sweet crap sticks for their bloated brood.

"While you're down Lidl's, don't forget to grab a couple of sacks of raw cane sugar," it roared, with a maniacal cackle. "Mixed into a bucket of Coca-Cola, it like rilly helps your litto man or princess to develop a healthy brain muscle, or whatever."

"And remember, mums - raw cane sugar contains no added colouring, salt or monosodium glutamate," added the diabolical thing, "Which means it's like rilly, rilly good for your litto darlin's girth - oops, I mean growth."

Chief Medical Officer Breaks Link Between That Nice Cabernet Sauvignon You Like With Your Dinner and End of Civilisation

Britain's social problems were solved at a stroke today by the outgoing Chief Killjoy, Sir Liam Donaldson.

Britain's top stroppy doctor delivered a devastating diatribe against irresponsible parents who recklessly allow their children to cotton on to the fact that there exists a mysterious substance called alcohol, which may actually be quite pleasant if drunk in moderate quantities.

"Children who find out about this vile chemical abomination invariably grow up into the kind of tragic sub-human wreckage for whom home is a urine-soaked bench in the bus station," hectored Sir Liam in all the proper newspapers which nice people like us read. "And I'm not talking about the council estate rat-people, Middle England - their foul whelps are already hooked on the pure crystal meth that flows from their prostitute mothers' needle-pocked breasts. I'm talking about you - you there, the chap reading this on the 0810 to Charing Cross - yes, you! You disgust me with your corrupt Stowells of Chelsea wine collection and your perverted bottle of single-malt Scotch. The mere presence of this unpardonable toxic waste in your household has condemned your carefully-conceived offspring to a short, wasted life shambling in and out of the prison system. Proud of yourself? God, you make me sick. I want to hurt you badly."

Meanwhile, readers of the Sun and the Mirror were anxiously dragging their fingers along a version of Sir Liam's advice specially tailored for what little remains of their pickled brains.

"You will raise a tribe of uncontrollable little SHITS who will certainly turn round and HACK you to BITS over some silly bloody toy, BECAUSE YOU DRINK," he wrote in big letters. "And you WILL have kids, because you're too sodding THICK to use a CONDOM. The only way to save your wretched life once you start dropping sprogs is this: STOP DRINKING until the ungrateful little buggers eventually fuck off."

Within 12 hours of Sir Liam's sour prognosis, Britain's teen pregnancy rate is reported to have plummeted from 95% to zero. The country's chavscum are said to be signing up in droves to be neutered or spayed by specially-deployed teams of vets, while decent middle-class people like you and me are hastily adding bleach, paraquat and creosote to the contents of our wine cellars and administering the deadly cocktail to the family pet in a desperate collective effort to convince our sons and daughters that alcohol is not, as they had previously been led to believe, rather agreeable with a Sunday roast, but in fact agonisingly fatal even in the tiniest doses.

Traumatised Joshuas and Emilys are now confidently expected to live for at least 150 enjoyment-free years. Meanwhile, the dwindling numbers of Cody-Lees and Sammi-Jos will soon be rounded up by the authorities and placed in an underwater holding tank somewhere off the coast of Cornwall, until their stunted Morlok race mercifully dies out for good.

"I can retire with a clear conscience," said Sir Liam this evening. "My work here is done."

"Unless I can think of some way to cure the nation of sugar, " he added. "And television. And comfortable furniture."

Feckless Baby Becomes Britain's Youngest Irresponsible Parent

A baby has become Britain's youngest dad at the age of two months, after impregnating his twin sister while still in his mother's womb.

"Young Jossyouwere is like rilly mature friz age an' will make an ace farva an' shit innit," insisted proud 13-year-old grandfather Coady-Leee. "Fruh start, right, 'e juss luvs playin' wiv 'is toys, so 'e'll be spendin' loadsa quality time like wiv da nippa when it evenchooly gits artuv its ventilator yeh?"

The proud parents are thought to have formed their relationship whilst developing in their 16-year-old mother's amniotic fluid, with doctors noticing the two foetuses energetically experimenting with sex during ultrasound scans.

"Lookit this bit 'ere," laughed Coady-Leee as he loaded a DVD into his Playstation. "E's 'avin' a blow-job orf 'is sista, the dirty litto sod! Them older birds is proppa gaggin' frit, jenotamean? Cor, the expression on 'is uggaly litto face, eh? 'E's gunna piss 'isself wun day wen 'e seez us passin' it round us mates on me moby."

"Oy, yer randy litto bastud, I wornjer befaw 'bout starin' at yer muvver's tits din I? I got a knife 'ere innit," he added.

Meanwhile, the 75-gram infant has not been given a name yet, as nursing staff say it will be several weeks before the eyeless thing develops any visible signs of whether it is a boy or a girl.

"We's finkin' uv waiting till its mum an' dad learn to tork proppa, then they kin choose a name theirselves," said Coady-Leee, "Though I reckon Docta Oo ud be pretty wikkid."

The thumbnail-sized foetus is the doyen of the nursing staff in the Intensive Not-Expected-To-Live Ward of St Billy-Bob's Hospital, where it is already said to be leaning out of its ventilator and squeaking incomprehensible gibberish whenever anyone passes by.

Parents Urged Not To Let Their Little Man Play With The Trains: "He's Not Really a Little Man, But The Trains Are Real Trains," Warn Experts

Parents are being warned that their infant children are not really little men and princesses, no matter what they might fondly believe, after two-year-old Johnny Hall toddled through a gate and into the path of a speeding train while his mother was chatting to relatives at a travellers' site next to the railway line.

As police investigators scraped little Johnny off the wheels of the Lincoln-Peterborough train, his aunt told reporters that his death was a "tragic accident" and nobody was to blame - especially not his mother, nor any of his other pikey relatives who were present and allowed him wander head-first into a 60mph train because they were busy discussing the price of heather.

Little Johnny's mother - who saw her young son splattered to bits, after she belatedly decided that losing sight of a two-year-old when you are standing next to a busy railway track might not be considered good parenting - is said to be distraught. However, relatives hoped she would soon be recovered enough to ring some real solicitors at the National Accident Helpline to see about getting some compy.

"Children are increasingly treated like tiny, demanding adults by their parents," warned a child psychologist. "But they're not adults. They're fuckwits. If you must think of them as small grown-up people, try to imagine them as Mr Bean with a strong deathwish."

"But the essential thing to remember, above all other considerations," he added, "Is that no matter how clever you think they are, your kids are complete and utter fuckwits."

Four Out Of Five Parents Think Babies Fell Out of Mummy's Bottom

Most parents are unable to tell their children the difference between an arse and an elbow, according to a poll published today.

Other scientific questions that leave parents scratching their genitals include "Where do babies come from?", "What makes a rainbow?" and "Well, is there anything you do know?"

More than half of the parents said they felt their children knew more about science than they did, largely because the image-obsessed self-absorption of their spawn compels them daily to absorb scientific terms like 'targeted dermahydration' and 'digestobogus uprectum' from infomercials for cosmetics and slimming products.

"When I was a little girl, the science of narcissism was in its infancy," admitted Ug, a mother of three. "When they stopped saying 'She isn't, she is, she's wearing Harmony hairspray' and suddenly started banging on about something called Ceramide R, I thought they were talking about motorbikes or something."

"And as for AHA complexes, I thought that meant you fancied Morten Harket," she added, as she knapped a new flint for her husband's spear. "I used to have a poster of him on the wall of my cave. He had a nice elbow."

Her reverie was interrupted by the arrival of her eight-year-old daughter from school.

"How does Botox work?" demanded little Harriet-Jo, stamping on the bone-strewn stones at her feet. "I want it. Now. Book me an appointment, peasant."

Meanwhile, researchers are trying to determine whether there is any correlation between parents who display more scientific knowledge than a blowfly and those who are old enough to have taken O-levels.

"I'm afraid it might take a while to work this out from the data available," apologised a spokesman for the Department for Business, Innovation and Skills. "Does anybody understand formulas in Excel?"

Schools To Tackle Disruptive Parents

Schools will be given the right to discipline the parents of unruly children, under proposals announced today by Schools Secretary Ed Balls - who explained that the move is aimed at the small number of parents who disregard existing home-school agreements, which define what is expected of parents and pupils in the education system.

If the schools white paper is passed by parliament, teachers will have the power to bring parents before a court, which will have the power to make them attend parenting classes in detention, write out 'I must not encourage Sammi-Jo to call the art assistant a fucking whore' five hundred times or, in persistent cases, receive six of the best in front of all the other parents.

The white paper is also likely to contain plans for remedial one-to-one tuition for children lagging behind in maths and English, and the removal of centralised standards for literacy and numeracy - conveniently making it next to impossible to define 'lagging behind' in any meaningful sense, and thus sparing the government the trouble of finding and funding the tens of thousands of teachers who would otherwise be required for one-to-one tuition.

Britain's Children Spurt to Top of Underage Sex League

Britain is celebrating its return to the top of the international underage-sex tables today - thanks to a sterling effort by 13-year-old Alfie Patten, who successfully put a bun in his 15-year-old girlfriend Chantelle Steadman's oven a mere 3 minutes 20 seconds after his balls dropped.

"For decades, the UK proudly held the record for the largest number of teenage pregnancies in the world," said Prime Minister Gordon Brown today. "In recent years, however, we have lost our place at the top of the league tables to the ignorant trans-pubescents of America. I urge our vast army of stupid, no-prospect teens - and, what the hell, preteens too, if they can get it up - to take inspiration from young Alfie and Chantelle. Put the Nintendo down for five minutes, lads - drop your football shorts and restore Britain to its rightful position as the most sexually-backward nation of ignorant fuckers on the planet. Show the world what you can do with your tiny willies. Let's face it, we're crap at everything else - so thank God we can beat the foreigners at something."

Meanwhile, Alfie has vowed that he will be a good father to baby Maisie Roxanne, as long as it doesn't interfere with his efforts to get the high score on Grand Theft Auto IV, and says he is looking forward to becoming a semi-permanent fixture on the Jeremy Kyle Show for years to come.

Current Generation of Children Desperately In Need of Love, iMacs and This Week’s Manchester United Strip, Says Report

A two-year survey by the Children’s Society has found that - despite having more of everything than any previous generation - today’s children remain tragically unhappy, viciously aggressive and horribly prone to mental illness, and lays the blame squarely at the feet of selfish parents.

“It’s all the fault of these wicked women,” said one of the report’s authors, Percy Fossil. “The damned whores insist on having their own precious careers, instead of spending their lives chained to the kitchen table with a child clamped to each nipple as the good Lord intended.”

According to the survey, the children of today are relentlessly bombarded with advertisements for costly material goods as they absorb a non-stop diet of violent television and internet porn. They are also forced into comparing the finely-sculpted features of pampered celebrities with their own hideous, potato-like faces - leading to a total collapse in self-confidence which inevitably spirals into depression, self-harming and constant demands for increasingly-expensive consumer products to deflect their feelings of utter inadequacy.

Meanwhile, their uncaring parents selfishly work all the hours of the day to buy their traumatised offspring more and more things they don’t need in order to gain a brief respite from their never-ending whiny demands – and then spend up to four selfish hours a night asleep, cruelly ignoring the tragic plight of their children.

“I’ve tried so hard to love my kids, really I have,” wept one woman as she selfishly pursued her career at the checkout in Morrison’s. “But it’s just so hard sometimes. Only this morning they stamped on the Playstation 3 and told me they’ll cut themselves and call the social if I don’t come home tonight with a MacBook Air.”

The Truth? You Can't Handle The Truth

A wicked teacher, who left a group of Year 3 pupils shocked and upset after gratuitously telling them a fact, has been sacked by Oldham Council.

Parents were beside themselves with anger when their children stumbled home in tears after the evil, twisted supply teacher at Blackshaw Lane Primary School told them that Father Christmas wasn't real, and their presents were just bought for them in a shop by their parents.

"It is not for teachers to contradict any child's fondly-held beliefs with inconvenient facts," said a spokesman for the council, adding that the head of the school had been ordered to write out 'My staff must not tell the truth' 500 times.

"I'm bloody fuming, like," said one local parent. "Next thing, some bastard might be telling my precious little darling that the world doesn't actually revolve around him, or he might need to work a tiny bit harder if he doesn't want to look forward to a life of stacking shelves. That would just break his little heart. The next teacher I run into is going to get a right lamping, so help me God."

Other concerned parents agreed, saying that if this sort of thing wasn't stamped out, their little men and princesses might even get the impression that, far from mummy loving daddy and dearly wanting to start a family, the harsh truth was that they were no more than the unwanted result of a furtive, fumbling shag behind the pub after an ill-considered night of pissing it up on the Bacardi Breezers.

The Nev Filter asked some typical seven-year-olds what cherished beliefs they held to be true - but, unfortunately, all we gleaned from our research was that they were all a bunch of hopelessly self-deluded little gits.

Pop-A-Bye Baby

Modern mothers are turning their backs on traditional lullabies, according to a poll by the Baby Website, preferring instead to frighten their babies to sleep with tuneless renditions of unspeakable chart pap.

Spokesman Kathryn Crawford said the results suggested that “most mums put the radio on when at home with the baby and the banal, tedious lyrics make it impossible to sing anything else at bedtime.”

She also stressed that the results were limited to those mothers who had enough basic intelligence to browse the internet. “Christ knows what some of the fuckwits out there are singing to their unwanted brats,” she added. “Perhaps they’re delivering some twisted rap about offing cops, dealing drugs and beating up hoes. God help us all.”

A senior paediaphile said that babies needed rhythmic, ambient sounds that reminded them of being in the womb, and recommended Simian Mobile Disco’s ‘Sleep Deprivation’. “Not only will its repetitive analogue bleeps and squeals calm the baby to sleep, but the fact that it is entirely instrumental means that no child need be disturbed by its tone-deaf mother’s tortuous caterwauling.”

“Rammstein are good, too,” he added. “German is such a soothing language. Try ‘Herzeleid’ on your child tonight.”