‘Arse’ Is Complimentary Military Acronym, Insists Red-Faced Tory MP

Colonel Patprick Mercer, the Tory MP in hot water after directing a barrage of insults at PM David Cameron at a party last week, has strenuously defended his words, claiming that they are merely military jargon which has been misconstrued by civilians.

A compliment to the Prime Minister

“I say, chaps, when I called Cameron an arse, that’s just a common acronym among the rank-and-file soldiery for A Really Spiffing Example,” he spluttered, over a G&T at the Army and Navy Club. “And to call a fellow ‘a most despicable creature without any redeeming features’ is, well, that’s merely the traditional toast of the Worcester and Sherwood Foresters’ mess complimenting the latest fearless exploits of one’s commanding officer.”

The former BBC defence correspondent also took issue with the sound quality of the recording made at the private function.

“Now look here, old boy, this won’t do at all,” he mumbled into his glass. “When I said I’d take a beggar from the streets rather than him, that blasted tape thingummy completely garbled the bit towards the end where I said ‘and give him a jolly good thrashing’. Have a couple of whisky chasers on me – here, finish the bottle – and I think you’ll agree.”

“And damned if the bloody thing didn’t make an absolute balls of the part where I was explaining to the waiter that I hate macaroons,” he insisted as he slowly slid from his armchair.

The Prime Minister later told reporters that he gave his full support to Colonel Mercer, adding that they could interpret that in any way they pleased.

World Mental Health Day: More Mentally-Scarred Soldiers To Be Hidden From Public View

To mark World Mental Health Day, the government has urged more soldiers whose minds have been shattered by the trauma of conflict to come forward so they can be shunted off to specialist treatment centres sited well away from public view.

A salubrious place to bury a PR problem

“Nobody likes to see a strapping squaddie shambling about in tears,” said a Ministry of Defence spokesman. “It’s bloody inconsiderate of them. It makes the public feel deeply uncomfortable. People have no problem at all with the odd leg blown off here and there, especially if the resulting monopods go on to hop a half-marathon. But the sight of an apparently fit and healthy man twitching uncontrollably every time somebody slams a window shut puts all sorts of inappropriate ideas into their heads, like maybe a tour of duty in Afghanistan isn’t quite the adrenaline-pumping adventure holiday that they see on the telly.”

5,000 troops have already been specially trained to sensitively shout: “Perkins! You’re fucking mental” at fellow soldiers at the first signs of instability, so they can be transferred to secluded barrack blocks conveniently hidden behind towering walls instead of trying to bottle up their traumas until they return to civvy street and upset the general public with their unmanly behavioural problems.

“I’m s-so g-g-grateful to the army for sh-showing me some helpful p-p-p-Powerpoint slides,” shuddered former combat stress victim Rifleman Barry Snopes. “Now I c-c-can offer p-prospective employers a history of m-m-mental illness, as well as th-thirty d-d-different ways to k-k-kill a towelhead.”

MoD Confident Taleban Will Agree To Attack Only On Saturdays

The Ministry of Defence has high hopes that the Taleban can be prevailed upon to leave British bases and convoys in Afghanistan alone from Mondays to Fridays, opined Dr Liam Fox today as he unveiled plans to close down Britain’s increasingly unaffordable army and replace it with the weekend warriors of the Territorial Army.

There may be a few savings on equipment, too

“Thanks to the Labour government, not only do we lose an investment of tens of thousands of pounds in training every time a British soldier is blown apart, we now have to pay their WAGs a bloody fortune,” complained the swivel-eyed defence secretary. “Even if the buggers spend their entire tour of duty just lying there in their tents playing with themselves, we’re paying them double combat pay. Well, sod that for a game of soldiers - or ‘Join The Territorial Army’, as we call it.”

Dr Fox stressed the advantages of part-time warfare as being particularly suitable for hideously-unqualified single parents now being forced into Jobcentres once their youngest child turns 8, as well as the self-obsessed karate kids at Currys who have traditionally formed the core recruitment of the TA.

On other fronts, the RAFVR will give French pilots the weekend off as they bravely soar their gliders over Libya, looking up the symbol for a bunker on their Thomas Cook maps, while the Royal Naval Reserve will heroically steer Britain’s nuclear hunter/killer submarine fleet on sightseeing trips round Plymouth Sound.

Heads Exploding All Over Britain As Tabloid Readers Try To Process Bereaved Mother’s Opinion Of Army

Emergency services all over Britain are struggling to cope today, as the brains of millions of hero-worshipping readers of the mass media explode whilst thinking about grieving mother Suzanne Ashe’s hatred of the army.

Ms Ashe might benefit from a toy bear, say papers

“Brave boys and girls… fine job… hate… heroes… does not compute… error,” muttered a glassy-eyed Sun reader, with smoke pouring from her ears moments before her head burst apart.

MoD officials are trying to understand how the bereaved mother of Private Gareth Bellingham, 22, who was shot whilst on patrol in Afghanistan, could have deviated from the officially-approved script.

“In these circumstances, relatives are supposed to say that their loved one died doing an important job of protecting us all, helping to make the world a better place, and so on and so forth,” said an MoD spokesman, “Not some bitter emotional guff about him missing out on having a relationship and raising a family. Most of all, they are supposed to thank the army for allowing him to live his dreams, not hate it for ending them. That’s bloody close to treason.”

Defence secretary Liam Fox is expected to announce an urgent review into the catastrophic failure of Ms Ashe’s stiff upper lip.

Britain’s Heroes Itching To Have A Crack At Unemployment

Advisors could be lurking anywhere, ready to explode

Our plucky British heroes are desperately keen to do battle with their local Jobcentres, said admiring army chiefs today, after they were inundated with redundancy applications from enthusiastic volunteers - from the humblest privates to the most promising colonels.

The gung-ho spirit of Britain’s finest is, typically, undaunted by their woeful lack of equipment for the bitter struggle they will face as they search carefully among the ruins of Britain’s blasted employment landscape for a civilian job that requires the ability to march 25 miles with a 45lb backpack, strip a rifle blindfolded and cut a man’s throat in silence.

“It is a mark of the professionalism of our brave boys and girls in the front line that, in some cases, entire units are vying for the honour of being the first to go out,” said Brigadier Richard Nugee, Head of Army Unmanning. “It makes a man proud to see so many soldiers of the very highest calibre at our disposal.”

Colour Successfully Trooped For Another Year

Great Scenes of Relief in The Capital

That Colour won't be troubling Britain again for a while

The nation breathed a collective sigh of relief today, after the dreaded Colour was successfully trooped for another year through the skill, determination and sheer guts of our plucky British boys.

Pillbox Trick

Led into the field for the first time by General HRH The Duke of Ambridge - who heroically oversaw a textbook example of modern urban warfare from his exposed observation post on a Buckingham Palace balcony - cavalry shock-troops spearheaded the assault, sabres rattling as they escorted into position our big guns: Commander-in-Chief HM The Queen (cunningly disguised as a pillbox); Lord High Admiral of the Fleet HRH The Duke of Edinburgh; Chief WAG HRH The Duchess of Ambridge; and Lance-Bombardier Camilla Parker-Bowles of the Royal Horsefaced Artillery, who deployed heavy smoke to conceal our brave lads’ advance.

Craven Surrender

A sterling mass of plucky infantrymen, wielding their feared Palitoy Guns, then marched in to completely surround the terrible Colour, which cravenly surrendered as our magnificent men in their flying machines went up-tiddly-up-up and down-tiddly-down-down, looping the loop, defying the ground, flying upside-down with their feet in the air.

Real Fear Of Colour

“With Britain’s forces stretched by deployments in the Middle East, this year there was a real fear that the Colour would triumph at last,” commented a Mr Rik Mayall, speaking on behalf of Britain’s brewers. “Thank God the drab streets of London have been saved once again from the depradations of any unwelcome Colour!”

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“Huzzah!” he added on behalf of his sponsors.

Collectors Excited By New No-Fly Top Trumps Helicopters

Little boys are enthusiastically snapping up the latest long-awaited release in the popular No-Fly Top Trumps card game, eager to trump Libyan motorists’ knackered old bangers even harder with the British Army’s Apache attack helicopter and their French counterparts’ significantly cheaper SA342 Gazelle.

“OK, so the British-built Apache was only ordered years after the original version went into service with the US Army, and yes, it may have taken the army six years to make the radio work properly and stop bits falling off every time it fired a missile,” gushed keen little military hardware enthusiast Tommy Wilkins, 48, who pretends he is a national newspaper's resident expert on defence matters. “But its impressive £64m unit cost makes the bargain-basement Gazelle look really silly.”

You can almost feel their throbbing power

“Oh, poo,” he cried in disappointment, as he unwrapped his shiny new cards. “Cost isn’t on there.”

Soldiers Too Busy Fighting To Demonstrate Military Prowess, Complains Infantry Chief

Tragically, the SAS aggressometer is only accurate within 25m

The head of Britain’s infantry forces, Brigadier Alistair Lethbridge-Stewart, has warned that SAS recruitment is at an all-time low, with the nation’s soldiers spending so much time in combat against Afghan rebel forces that nobody is able to assess their fighting capabilities.

“How can we possibly measure our chaps’ fitness, teamwork, fighting spirit and grasp of tactics when they’re always in the middle of a firefight with some bloody towelheads who have just ambushed their convoy?” complained the Brigadier, in a leaked outburst. “It’s damned inconvenient.”

“Yes, I don’t mind if I do have another brandy, thank you, steward,” he added.

Military experts at Sandhurst warn that, if not addressed, the crisis in special forces recruitment could one day lead to a serious shortage of ex-squaddies propping up bars and aggressively warning complete strangers that they could kill them so stealthily they wouldn’t even know they were dead.

Ross Kemp, Alex Reid, Danny Dyer and Vinnie Jones Safely Evacuated To Malta

Ross Kemp's identity is covered by the Official Secrets Act

Britain’s hardest men have been successfully rescued from Libya after their abortive diplomatic mission to the rebel forces, confirmed foreign secretary William Hague today.

The crack squad, led by heroic Lt. Ross Kemp, was ignominiously taken prisoner by Libyan rebels after being dropped head-first out of the back of a Hercules.

“With the benefit of hindsight, maybe our forces would have been able to meet up with the right people if they hadn’t been driven into the hard Libyan soil like angry nails,” opined Mr Hague, “But Lt. Kemp and his men made an operational decision after they all agreed that parachutes were gay.”

Details are scarce, but Libyan sources claim that Lt Kemp, Sgt. Reid and Trooper Dyer were escorting tough-talking diplomat Jones on a trade mission to make the rebels an offer they couldn’t refuse, namely a BOGOF deal on anti-tank missiles.

“Alex Reid’s legs would have been flailing uselessly as he struggled to kickbox his head and shoulders out of the stony ground of North Africa,” said an unnamed military source, “And plucky little Danny Dyer would have been vainly trying to chew himself free, much as he chews the English language into submission. Meanwhile, Lt Kemp would have probably been slowly working himself free with the aid of his terrible prehensile eyes.”

The embarrassing failure of Britain’s legendary black ops unit contrasts sharply with its previous successes, notably the successful storming of the Iranian embassy in 1979 by Lewis Collins and Martin Shaw.

US Special Forces’ Tactical Manual Now Available As T-Shirt

US special forces carry their tactical manual with them at all times, in case they have trouble remembering the finer points

Following the unfortunate death of British hostage Linda Norgrove at the hands of the American forces who were supposed to be rescuing her, Pentagon sources have taken the unprecedented step of publishing in full their elite forces’ hitherto-classified tactical training document in the form of a 100% cotton t-shirt, to fit all sizes up to XXXL.

The sad demise of kidnapped aid worker Ms Norgrove, who appears to have been killed by a grenade thrown by one of her supposed rescuers, is covered by Part I of the machine-washable manual, which covers the assault doctrine of ‘KILL ‘EM ALL'. Part II, which contains detailed instructions for the mopping-up phase, advises troops to ‘Let God Sort ‘Em Out!’

Meanwhile, reports are emerging of a rift between the unit, who mounted the operation in a part of Afghanistan nominally under US control, and the British SAS advisors who accompanied them. MoD sources are privately saying that the SAS team would have been keen to implement their own expert tactics, claiming that the best chance for victory lay in openly daring Ms Norgrove’s captors to kill her if they were hard enough. They were, however, overruled by the US strike team, who instead placed their faith in small-unit tactics learned the hard way by their counterparts in Vietnam forty years ago.

“We had to destroy the hostage in order to save it,” confirmed a Pentagon source.

MoD Unveils Reassuringly Expensive McLaren-Designed Alternative To Buying Back 55-Year-Old Humber Pig

Proud defence chiefs smiled indulgently today as they proudly revealed the brand-new £500,000 Sex Potto, the long-awaited replacement for the much-criticised Snatch Land Rover.

For a measly three grand you deffo won't get an iPod dock

“The McLaren-engineered Sex Potto fought off stiff competition from the Jaguar Fanny Magnet, the Massey-Ferguson Quim Tractor and Ferrari’s Sucky-Fucky Gibbon,” beamed Captain James May of the Royal Off-Road Corps. “You see, old boy, the clever trick was to make the underbody V-shaped - blast goes sideways, not straight up your arse. Dashed clever, these boy-racer johnnies, what?”

“Of course, every crank came out of the woodwork as usual when we were scouting for new toys,” he snorted derisively. “We even got a letter from a batty old retired sergeant-major, suggesting that if the old Humber Pig’s armoured floor was IRA pipebomb-proof, it just might be towel-head improvised explosive device-proof too. Pshaw!”

“I ask you,” he slurred, spilling a triple G&T down his combat fatigues, “Would the great British Sun-reading public be satisfied to see their beloved soldier boys rattling around in a cranky old grid we flogged to Idi Amin donkey’s years ago, that we bagged on eBay for three grand including postage and packing? I rather think not! Only the best, what?”

“We did think about taking out a licence to put the trusty old Sd.Kfz.222 back into production, actually,” he added. “But then Buffy fforbes-Hamilton pointed out that pootling round the Middle East in Nazi armoured cars might not quite match the media profile we’re striving to promote.”

This Sex Potto is halfway to becoming a god knows what

Captain May also stressed that the Sex Potto was especially easy to take apart and put back together again in a variety of imaginative configurations, vitally giving bored British troops something to do whilst twiddling their thumbs, stuck inside a dismal compound in the dusty Afghan hinterland. Royal Engineers have already drawn instructions for a speedboat, a tipper truck and an Andrew Lloyd Webber bionicle.

Finally, to round off the launch party, Formula 1 maestro Lewis Hamilton took the wheel to demonstrate the Sex Potto’s agile handling to the press - who luckily scuttled out of the way in time when it fell over reversing out of the garage.

Ex-Army Chief Throws Inadequately-Funded Toys Out Of Pram

The Taleban wouldn't have liked this up 'em

The former Conservative head of the army, General Richard Dammit, today fired an ineffectual broadside from a rusty popgun at Tony Blair and Gordon Brown – accusing the pair of cynically underfunding Britain’s armed forces despite sending them to fight two foreign wars.

In his book ‘Leading From The Right’, Gen Dammit accuses Gordon Brown of “malign intervention” by refusing to fund sun cannon, crater guns and flybots for the armed forces, and claims Tony Blair “lacked the moral courage to impose his will on his own chancellor.”

“Thanks to those communist CND hippies, for the first time in its illustrious history the British army went into battle without every single item on its fantasy wish list,” he huffed from his camouflaged pram.

The retired general contrasted the Labour government’s parsimonious attitude with previous military operations like the Battle of France, in which the Germans were swiftly overwhelmed by grav tanks armed with multi-lens pulse lasers and orbital-drop troops equipped with power armour and man-portable fusion guns, bringing the Second World War to a swift end in 1940.

This crap is all that Gordon Brown would pay for

“The general staff knew all about winning in Afghanistan, from three previous victories back in the days of empire,” continued the red-faced general. “A devastating frightfulness-and-wonder assault with tacnukes by Queen’s Own G-carrier Division, followed up with the elite 14th Psionic Shock-Lancers’ mopping-up operation soon sorted out Akbar Khan and his fractious tribesmen.”

“Yet even such steampunk technology was callously turned down by those peacenik trots in Downing Street,” snorted Gen Dammit over a stiff G&T. “Instead, brave Tommy Atkins was sent into battle with nothing more than a recoilless rifle and a moped. Vote Conservative.”

Cameron Seeks To Pull Troops Out Of Hat Before General Election

Prime minister David Cameron is meeting President Obama today, to politely ask if he could have his army back just in time for a general election.

The Conservative leader said he wanted to pull British troops out of a hat by 2015 at the latest, but added that he preferred not to “deal in too strict timetables”.

“Naturally the PM will be looking to pull our long-suffering boys and girls out of the coalition when the time is right for a ten per cent boost in the opinion polls,” commented Richard Holmes, a veteran armchair general of two War Walks. “However, it all rather depends on if and when the Lib Dems decide to pull their long-suffering boys and girls out of their coalition.”

Seasoned observers point to the ever-rising toll of Liberal Democrat casualties – 2 to date – and increasing scepticism among the general public about the point of the coalition.

“Whenever hostilities break out, the casualties are always worst in the ranks of the Lib Dems,” said Mr Holmes. “Nobody doubts the professionalism of this small but important body of MPs - but how much longer can they sustain such a high level of collateral damage to their credibility?”

“It’s already hit recruiting,” he added.

Alcoholism Hailed As Miracle Cure For Combat Stress

British soldiers who have served in the front lines of Iraq and Afghanistan have developed an immunity to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder by drinking themselves into a stupor for the rest of their lives, according to exciting new research for the MoD carried out by researchers at King’s College London.

The survey of 10,000 personnel - published in the Lancet - found that, despite almost a decade of armed conflict, only 4% of UK personnel suffered from horrifying flashbacks, recurrent nightmares and crippling depression, compared to US rates as high as 15%.

“It looks like our troops have stumbled upon a natural antidote to stress previously overlooked by psychiatry,” commented research team leader Dr Nicola Fear. “Ten or twelve cans of Carlsberg a day seems to do the trick.”

“Hic,” added co-leader Professor Simon Wobbely.

“Post Stramotic Dress Distemper is for girly boys, like the US Marines,” said expert army limb-chopper Brigadier Mark Dee-Tremens of the RAMC. “I preshcribe my lucky lads a six-pack of cooking lager every morning, - chin chin, old boy - and another in the evening to be taken before lightsh out.”

“And a litre or two of wine for the ladies,” he continued as he slid down behind his desk.

Military mental health experts say they are confident that becoming mumbling, glassy-eyed alcoholics will present no hindrance to soldiers seeking to integrate themselves back into civilian life once they leave the services, as the general population has been drinking itself stupid for years to cope with the mind-blasting awfulness of trudging through the tragic futility of their insignificant existence in the 21st century.

UK To Keep Waving Enormous Nuclear Cock At Rest of World

Notwithstanding suggestions that a separate army, navy and air force may soon be unsustainable, defence minister Bob Ainsworth today promised the nation that the future of the UK's enormous nuclear cock is assured.

In a speech intended to reassure the Daily Mail that the sun has still not set on the British Empire, Mr Ainsworth also said it was likely that the construction of two new aircraft carriers will also go ahead - although they may not actually carry any aircraft. Or crew.

"With the country defended by two vast floating bricks and an enormous nuclear cock that can be unzipped and waved menacingly at any aggressor within minutes of the Americans agreeing to give us the launch codes, the British people can feel completely safe from any sneak attack from a resurgent Zulu nation or the dreaded Fuzzy-Wuzzies," promised the defence secretary. "And you hardly need three services to operate that kind of hardware. One TA corporal and a few deckhands from the Isle of Skye ferry should be enough to meet out future defence requirements."

"Which is just as well," he added, "Since there won't be any money left in the pot for anyone else."

A spokesman for the Fuzzy-Wuzzies privately admitted that they would not like Britain's enormous nuclear cock up them.

Top General Urges Defence Spending On Computer Security, Not Things That Go Bang

The head of the British Army, General Sir David Richards, today launched a sensational attack on the government's defence spending on traditional weapons the country cannot afford, claiming that the MoD should concentrate on cyber-threats instead and pop down to PC World to pick up Norton 360 for fifty quid.

"I am not proposing that we get rid of all our more traditional military capability," said Sir David. For example, we can keep our fleet of sixties-designed Harriers flying until they fall apart. As for our aircraft carrier program, why not just plonk a Harrier or two on every cross-channel ferry instead?"

Citing the estimated £110m unit cost of the delayed next-generation Nimrod MRA4 aircraft, Sir David pointed out that, in a crisis, the government would spend less if it simply requisitioned every restored Spitfire and Hurricane in the country.

"They were good enough to win the Battle of Britain," he pointed out confidently.

Urging the use of unpiloted reconnaissance drones, Britain's top soldier pointed out that radio-controlled replicas of the legendary Lockheed SR-71 'Blackbird' spy-plane were available on the internet for a bargain $279.99.

He also called for Britain's front-line troops to be phased out and replaced with the country's leading Call of Duty 2 players.

"Anyone who can complete that game is clearly a top-notch machine killer with the lightning reactions needed for the electronic battlefields of tomorrow," he said. "And as long as they get a regular supply of Doritos and Red Bull, they'll work for nothing."

'All My Medals Are Genuine,' Insists Remembrance Day Marcher Who Isn't

Roger Day, the 61-year-old man who marched in a Remembrance Day parade wearing medals covering a period from the Battle of Waterloo to the Dalek Invasion of Earth 2150AD insisted today that, as a bona fide member of the SAS, he was absolutely entitled to each medal and had the receipts to prove it.

"I could tell you how I managed to fight in World War Two, despite being born three years after it ended," Mr Day told a Sun reporter, as he polished his genuine Swiss Army penknife. "But then, of course, I'd have to kill you."

"I strangled a man with my own pubes once," he added darkly.

Mr Day denied that, instead of a regimental tie, he marched wearing a gaudy monstrosity from Marks and Spencer.

"The abstract swirl of colours denotes that famous unit of Kitchener's army, the Artists' Rifles," he insisted, whilst cleaning his authentic First World War cycling mask. "It was a privilege to serve in the trenches alongside men of the calibre of 'Sharky' Hirst, 'Stinker' Emin and 'Banksy' Banksy."

Britain's greatest war hero also denied that he fled the march after being challenged about his 21 medals by a real veteran.

"I saw the parade out to its bitter, bloody end," he claimed, while he stripped and reassembled his plastic BB gun. "Then I went for a victory drink with my old SAS pal, Andy McNab. Of course, he'll deny it, even if you torture him by telling him his books are shite. It's all part of our training."

MrMcNab did indeed refute all knowledge of Mr Day, saying: "This is an insult to the brave men and women who have served in our armed forces. Roger Day is not the first to do this sort of thing. And unfortunately he will not be the last."

"Well, there you are, just as I told you. What more proof do you need?" crowed Mr Day triumphantly. Before the reporter could ask him the colour of the boat shed at Hereford Barracks, however, Mr Day leapt into his metallic-camouflaged 7th Armoured Division Mahindra Jeep and drove off to pick up his wife, the Celtic warrior queen Boudicca.

Best Equipment In The World Ordered For British Troops

Every British soldier serving in Afghanistan will shortly be issued with their own Hallibritish Aerocockheed FU-9, the most advanced raghead-shafting machine ever built, said a spokesman for the Ministry of Defence this evening.

"Happy now?" he demanded.

Brave Army Hero Blames Nobody But Himself

A former squaddie who served in Afghanistan has today sensationally pointed the finger of responsibility squarely at himself, for joining the army in the first place.

Former trooper Chalky White took time out from his civvy street job of patrolling a shopping centre in Sheffield to tell reporters: "There was me at 16, wi' nowt but a GCSE in kickboxing, an' years of pissin' about in school left me wi' two choices - signin' on in the 'ope of findin' a minimum-wage McJob one day, or gettin' silly money for joinin' up an' gettin' me own gun an' that."

"Perhaps I should of stopped to ask meself why the money was so good," reflected Trooper White. "But the adverts said I'd be pissin' about on a tropical beach all day, surrounded by fanny. I takes one look at the manky trolls on the estate an' I'm straight down the recruitin' office shoutin' 'Where do I sign, mate?' Next thing I know, I'm marchin' round Helmand wi' towelheads all around tryin' to blow me cobblers off, like."

"Reckon I must of bin a reet twat not to see that comin'," he admitted ruefully.

"I 'ad some daft notion that I'd come out o' the service set up for life, too, wi' a cushy job, page 3 models queuein' up to drop their knickers for me an' everyone treatin' me like a celebrity," he continued. "Instead I get a couple 'undred nicker, a stroppy bird what shouts at me for gettin' under 'er feet all the time I'm 'ome, an' cheeky nippers tryin' to nick me cap when I'm at work. All a bit predictable, really."

"I s'pose if I'd o' thunk about it, there in't a lot of civvy jobs where the ability to strip an SA80 wi' a blindfold on is a must," he mused.

Controversially, Trooper White refused to lash out at the MoD for failing to supply adequate equipment, politicians for sending troops out to fight pointless foreign wars, or protesters for demonstrating against the occupation of Afghanistan.

"Since when 'as the British soldier ever 'ad an abundance of the best kit?" he asked. "Us already spends more on defence than any other country in Europe, there in't a bottomless pit y'know. As for the rest - well, in't that the democracy we was out there fightin' to protect? It's never been no different, like."

"I seen some good mates killed out there," he added with a shrug. "Well, that's what we got paid for. Can't say I'm 'appy 'bout it, but shit 'appens."

Troops Cheer Brown's Unscheduled Visit To Front Line

Beleaguered British troops in Afghanistan's turbulent Helmand province wept tears of joy today, when prime minister Gordon Brown arrived in their midst for an surprise photo-opportunity.

"Hullo, boys!" grimaced a scantily-clad Mr Brown, crossing and uncrossing his stockinged legs whilst riding round the camp on the bonnet of a Land Rover. "I know just how much you love my morale-boosting visits, so I thought I'd give you something special this time!"

After seductively flashing his man-boobs at the stunned soldiers, the Prime Minister dismounted and ducked coyly into a tent, urging them to "form an orderly queue!"

Back in the UK, Lord Mandelson called a press conference to explain that the idea for the visit had come from the prime minister himself.

"Gordon has spent his holidays out of the public eye, marooned on an unihabited, rain-swept isle in the Hebrides," explained Lord Mandelson. "He has had a lot of time to reflect on all the blessings that have come his way since becoming PM, and on his inspired leadership. When the prevailing wind finally changed, enabling him to sail an improvised raft back to civilisation, Gordon's first thought was for the troops who love him so dearly - as he explained in great detail to a small yapping dog that was running up and down the shore. That dog is now Britain's ambassador to the Animal Kingdom."

"I think I can safely say that all of Britain's recent woes will soon be over," he added, smiling enigmatically.

Meanwhile, the enthusiastic troops in Afghanistan carried their naked, proud Prime Minister at shoulder height across the camp, strapped a parachute to his back and whisked him off in a Chinook helicopter for a closer look at some of the Taliban strongholds they are struggling to quell.

"We've put him right by the door so he can get a clear view," said a sergeant on his third tour of duty in the Middle East. "Several of my longest-serving colleagues are right behind him, with their shiniest boots on. They've been involved in several big pushes in the past, so they know exactly what to do when the occasion arises. Let's hope Mr Brown keeps a firm grip on the safety harness we've rigged up for him out of bits of string and old newspaper. It really would be a terrible tragedy if he were to unaccountably slip and fall out of the helicopter from a height of, say, a thousand feet whilst passing over a known hotbed of Taleban activity, miles beyond all hope of rescue."

The sergeant was interrupted by the sound of cheering from the radio tent, no doubt occasioned by Mr Brown's sudden, unscheduled drop-in visit to the warzone.