Miliband Becomes Transcendant Manifestation Of The Sum Of All Hopes And Fears

Newly-elected Labour leader Miliband Two ceased to exist as a physical being of flesh and blood this morning, as the Sunday papers flopped through the letter-boxes of the nation, and transcended to a state of pure thought comprised of the sum total of hopes and fears projected onto him by the nation’s editorial writers and therefore, by extrapolation, the entire British public.

Mr Miliband is now capable of radiating confidence beyond the visible spectrum

Humbled party conference delegates who witnessed the transformation state that he became suffused with a shimmering light as he ascended to the podium, which seemed to touch all present with rainbow-hued shafts of pure love before a column of blinding brilliance burst through the ceiling directly above him. As the party faithful rubbed their eyes, they saw to their amazement that Mr Miliband’s body had vanished, to be replaced by a floating translucence crackling with blue sparks.

As they fell to their knees in adoration, they each felt, rather than heard, a voice telling them, “Thank you for your first and second preferences. Now all that earthbound carpetbagging for the union vote has passed safely beyond the temporal veil, it is appropriate to say that…”

Those privileged to be present at the transmogrification disagree on what the otherworldly being said next, however.

Elderly delegates and hacks in the employ of Rupert Murdoch both insist that the being promised a full return to the founding socialist principles of the Labour movement, while younger activists raised in the era of New Labour – together with reporters from the Independent and the Observer - feel certain that it promised there would be no return to the failed policies of the hard left, but a new era of constructive centrist dialogue with the wealth creators.

All, however, agreed that their new spirit guide concluded its telepathic transmission by pledging to work towards the transformation of tragically-unmetamorphosed sibling Miliband One before thanking them deeply, on behalf of the whole ethereal realm, for telling the irredeemable John Prescott where he could stick his dreams of playing Monopoly with the party funds.

Mandelson Kicks Disinterred Grandfather To Bits

Not a metaphor for the state of the party at all

The corpse of the highly-respected Labour visionary, Herbert Morrison, was today exhumed and kicked to pieces by his grandson, Lord Mandelson, in response to a promise from leadership candidate Miliband Two to take the party beyond its “New Labour comfort zone”.

A key architect of the radical Labour manifesto which swept the party to power in 1945, Mr Morrison rose from humble beginnings as an errand boy in Lambeth to become deputy to prime minister Clement Attlee, overseeing sweeping social reforms which improved ordinary people’s lives beyond all recognition.

“Bollocks to all that socialist nonsense,” shouted Lord Mandelson hoarsely, as he kicked his grandfather’s skull off. “If little Miliband Minor, Fatso Hattersley or that baldy Welsh windbag whose name we don’t mention wants to create a pre-New Labour future for the party, then he and the rest of them will quickly find this happening to them, too.”

‘Hey Up, It Happens That I’m Ever So Working Class By Gum,’ Announces Miliband Two

'And why is this Nora person  flipping?'

The long-forgotten contest for the leadership of what’s left of the Labour Party struggled back into the news today, as Miliband Two roundly denounced the New Labour movement in which he was happy to bask for thirteen years and revealed himself as a grimy, calloused labourer who was the natural representative of millions of ordinary working-class people.

“By heck, we lost five million voters by sucking up to toffee-nosed people like ourselves,” admitted the lesser of two clones, newly respendent in his exquisitely-tailored cloth cap and silk braces. “So it’s time for me to reveal my true roots as a genuine horny-handed son of a lowly Oxford don. Unlike my posh brother, obviously.”

“Myself, I love nothing better after a hard day’s toil than to relax before the television with a foaming tankard of Cabernet Sauvignon and enjoy a right corking game of footer, “he added. “Come along now, you red chaps.”

Labour Leadership Contest Overrun By Miliband Clones

The battle is on to see which soulless machine politician will take the helm of the Labour Party, with a flood of Miliband clones throwing their identical hats into the ring.

After Miliband Two threw down the gauntlet to his brother Miliband One, Miliband after Miliband stepped from a throbbing metal casket operated by former prime minister Tony Blair to offer party members a tantalising array of choices.

“Brotherly love will survive, because brotherly love is stronger than politics,” chorused the army of Miliband candidates, staring blankly ahead.

Miliband One is expected to focus his campaign on economic and social issues, while Miliband Two is likely to make social and economic issues a priority. The agendas of Milibands Three to n are not yet known, and seasoned observers say it would be rash at this stage to make any guesses.

The few members of the Labour Party who are not also members of the Miliband family are waiting to find out if Ed Balls seriously believes that anyone likes him, whilst backbench MP Jon Cruddas – thought to be the last remaining socialist on Earth – is locked in talks with Mrs Miliband over the possibility of adoption, fuelling rumours that he has already booked an appointment with a leading Harley Street plastic surgeon.

I'm Milibandy, Fly Me

Foreign Secretary Miliband One is to have a jet plane all to himself, according to an announcement from the Foreign Office.

Official government policy is for ministers to use commercial flights wherever possible. However, this was proving difficult, said a senior mandarin, as airline passengers were reluctant to travel on the same aircraft as the Foreign Secretary, in case he bit them with his rows of needle-like teeth.

Where commercial flights are not suitable, normal practice is for a minister to call on the services of the RAF's 32 Squadron. However, due what the government describes as "changes in the RAF", hard-pressed ground crews are not always able to bolt together a working aircraft from bits of their ageing BAe 125 and 146 fleet in time for the minister's requirements.

The Foreign Office says it studied several commercial alternatives before deciding that, since Prime Minister Gordon Brown had now apparently overcome his disdain for Tony Blair's prediliction for dashing around the world pretending to be important, any appearances on the world stage by the Foreign Secretary were now merely a distracting irrelevance.

"So we've given him an Airfix kit," said the spokesman. "We decided that a Concorde would be appropriate. Unfortunately, the Foreign Secretary squeezed all the glue into his hair while his private secretary was out making a cup of tea, so the wheels keep falling off. And he accidentally swallowed the nose cone."

Meanwhile the Foreign Secretary's backup clone, Miliband Two, is reported to have thrown a tantrum and locked himself in the lavatory at the Department of Energy and Climate Change, Unconfirmed reports say he is refusing to come out until the Prime Minister buys him a Scalextric set.

‘Climate Change Action Needed,‘ Says Miliband, ‘But Not Like That’

57 environmental protesters brought widespread disruption to Stansted Airport this morning, hours after Climate Change Secretary Miliband Two called for world action to protect the environment.

The protesters from campaign group Plane Stupid occupied a taxiway 50 metres from the main runway, chaining themselves to concrete blocks to draw attention to the aviation industry’s 13% contribution to total UK carbon dioxide emissions, and bringing chaos to the air travel industry for five hours before they were removed.

Delay-hit passengers said they were generally sympathetic to the issue of climate change, but said they would rather their own flights had left on time, all things considered.

“Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want my children to grow up on a toxic, barren, dying planet,” said one impatient traveller. “But I also don’t want to sit around here twiddling my thumbs when I could be shopping in Paris. Why can’t they just take off anyway? One or two protesters sucked into a turbofan is a price worth paying for my God-given right to buy things in the European capital of my choice.”

Miliband Two later issued a statement clarifying his position on climate protests.

“When I told the papers I wanted to see a global mass-protest movement to pressure world leaders into tackling climate change, what I meant was that campaigners should go to China or India and politely wave the odd placard or two at their politicians,” he intoned. “I certainly don’t condone inconsiderate actions like this, which aim to upset decent British people by suggesting that the ruination of the world’s fragile environment may, in some way, be related to their privileged lifestyles.”

A spokesman for Stansted operators BAA reassured travellers that the airport was rapidly returning to normal levels of service and pollution.

Three Charged Over PM Character-Assassination Plot

Three men have been charged with terror offences, following investigations into an alleged plot to assassinate Gordon Brown.

Ishaq Cameron, who has made numerous threats to bring down the Prime Minister, is charged with belonging, or professing to belong to, the Conservative Party, inviting support for the Conservative Party, and dissemination of terrifying publications such as interviews in the Times and the Daily Telegraph.

Two brothers from the Labour Party - Iqband One and Two - will also face trial for threatening to stab Mr Brown in the back, and for being in possession of a Guardian article which gives rise to a reasonable suspicion that possession is for a purpose connected with the commission, preparation or instigation of an act of shameless political opportunism.

“We must be ever-watchful in our fight against the powers of darkness that threaten to overwhelm the Prime Minister,” said Detective Chief Inspector Savage of the Vote-Counter Terrorism Unit. “Take a look at the man standing next to you on the bus tomorrow morning. He might seem like a decent sort, with the Independent sticking out of his briefcase - but don’t be fooled by appearances. Inside, he is probably seething with a burning hatred for Gordon Brown’s hapless mismanagement of the country’s affairs – a hatred that can only find an outlet in random, senseless acts of voting Conservative.”

“Or he might have the mild, unassuming outward appearance of a typical lifelong Labour voter,” he went on. “But, festering in the blackest recesses of his heart, he may well harbour a vindictive, suicidal determination to destroy all that Gordon Brown holds dear, i.e. his desperation to cling to the wheel as the ship sinks under him.”

Following the announcement, the Prime Minister moved swiftly to issue a message of reassurance to his loyal followers - both of whom are currently believed to be living in a remote cave, somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

“Be pure! Be vigilant! Behave!” he said.

Entire Sea Bed Supports Tiny Island Dependency, Claims Britain: Earth's Crust Is Ours

The UK is formally presenting a case to the UN in which it will try to claim the entire crust of the planet Earth, in a landmark challenge to the existing understanding of what constitutes ‘land’.

Britain is kicking off by claiming that Ascension Island - a secretive military base in the South Atlantic – is, like many islands, actually the tip of an underwater mountain, and that the traditional 200-mile territorial limit should be measured from the base of that mountain, rather than the tiny little tip that pokes out above the waves.

“If we get away with this whopper, there’ll be no stopping us,” said the optimistic Foreign Secretary, Miliband One. “First, we establish the basic principle that land means all that stuff below, as well as above, sea level. Then we argue that, just as the island depends on the undersea mountain for support, so the mountain depends on the sea bed to stop it from crashing through to the magma layer beneath.”

“The world will be ours,” he added with an insane cackle.

The ostensible aim behind the remarkable challenge to accepted semantics is the acquisition of a larger domain in which to search for oil, gas and minerals.

However, Miliband One did not rule out the eventual annexation of hitherto-undiscovered deep-sea horrors like that hideous swimming mouth-thing, or maybe a scimitar-toothed angler fish the size of a double-decker bus, which could be modified by genetic engineering into an unstoppable legion of lethal anti-terrorist monstrosities. Or something.

“Can you imagine Osama Bin Laden’s face when he finds himself cornered in his remote cave by a nightmarish, pulsating squid-thing with a beak like a JCB?” exulted the Foreign Secretary. “Or picture a highly-dangerous Brazilian tradesman at your local station, instantly reduced to bloody ribbons before your eyes by a specially-trained giant eel with a cross-cut shredder for a face. Nothing will stand in our way! Vote Labour.”

The UN, however, is reported to be in favour of sticking to the generally-accepted definition of land favoured by the Oxford English Dictionary, and for that matter every other dictionary – namely, those bits of the Earth’s surface that aren’t sea.

“The blinkered fools,” smirked Miliband One cryptically. “Mark well their faces, my evil beauties.”