Saturday, 14 March 2009

'What Do These Immigration Protesters Want?' Asks Puzzled Immigration Minister

The Immigration Minister, Phil Dumbas, was left mystified after video camera-carrying members of protest group Manchester No Borders entered his constituency office without an appointment, produced posters saying 'Abolish Immigration Prisons - Freedom of Movement For All' and began putting up stickers saying 'No To Immigration Controls'.

The stickers also called for 'More Pies For Dumbas' - a reference to his visit to Manchester University six months ago when he was hit by a custard pie thrown by the group, who called for the closure of all immigrant detention centres, and specifically Manchester Airport's Pennine House.

The minister - who was miraculously uninjured by any stickers during the entirely peaceful 25-minute ordeal - later told reporters that "the frustrating thing from my point of view was that they didn't tell me what they wanted."

"Perhaps they were making some kind of surrealist art-student film," continued Mr Dumbas, scratching his head in bafflement, and finding a sticker on the back of his neck bearing the message: 'Detaining immigrants without charge for an unlimited period, separating children from their families, denying them the right of appeal and forcibly deporting them to countries where they will be tortured and killed is an outrage against simple human decency. Do something about it, you smug bastard, in the name of humanity.'

" Please, won't somebody tell me what was it all about?" begged Mr Dumbas. "If only they'd left some kind of explanation."

Expert Points To Face, Tells Teachers' Conference: 'This Is A Nose'

The self-esteem agenda now prevailing in Britain's schools is creating a generation of insufferable, self-centred arseholes who genuinely believe that the world exists solely for their personal benefit and gratification, the Association of School and College Leaders was warned today.

Dr Carol Craig told the conference that, thanks to a "big fashionable idea" imported from America, Britain's children were being over-praised into developing an 'all-about-me' mentality. She went on to say that teachers were faced with increasing complaints from parents if their darling little men and princesses failed a spelling test or did not get a leading part in the school panto.

Parents across the nation have responded with fury to Dr Craig's message, however.

"Wossat pasty-faced caah on abaht?" said Shelly Munter, 27. "My boy Grendel's a 12-year-old fuckin' Einstein, I tell yer. I mean, time 'e was nine 'e could fart all by 'isself an' everyfin', innit? 'E made me proppa prahd when 'e nicked is firce mota larce week - 'e 'otwired that Astra an' figgerd aht orl the gears an' shit orl by 'isself, dincha san? Wiv skills an' nollij like that e'll go far, I'm tellin' yer. Respeck due, me litto darlin'."

Miss Munter then went round to Grendel's school to twat a teacher who had the cheek to suggest that her grunting, potato-faced progeny might one day learn to scrawl something resembling his name, if he would only stop shagging year 9 girls for five minutes.

However, there was an indication that the problem may have been around for some years, and not exclusively confined to the underclass either, when visibly-upset delegates cornered Dr Craig after her speech and gave her a really hard time for telling them how to do their jobs when everybody in the whole world had it in for them already even though they were working so hard and doing so brilliantly at educating the cleverest generation ever to bestride the earth.

Video Games Offer Best Way To Super-Fitness, Claim Video Game Makers

The console-game industry has lashed out at the government's recent Change4Life advertisements, angrily refuting the suggestion that people who while away their empty lives sitting on their arses, mechanically shaking a bit of plastic at a screen, may not in fact be leading the healthiest of all possible lifestyles.

The health campaign - which is supported by Cancer Research, the British Heart Foundation and Diabetes UK - featured a young boy holding a Playtendoboxega-type controller, with the strapline: "Risk an early death: just do nothing."

The industry has formally complained to the Advertising Standards Authority, claiming that they are being unfairly targeted.

"Many video games are mentally stimulating, potentially educational and social and some involve physical exercise," said one software developer. "Just look at the millions of people whose mental agility has been boosted way beyond the level of mere genius by being asked to add single-digit numbers in their heads by their handhelds. See how society as a whole has benefited greatly from a generation of Warcraft players learning how to co-operate in total harmony with other oddballs they will never meet, in order to slaughter everything that crosses their path. And furiously shaking your Pii controller at the telly all night has been scientifically proven to give the average teenager the right arm of a fiddler crab up to three times faster than compulsive wanking."

"Our researchers have painstakingly built up a profile of the average console addict," said a Microninkony spokesman. "They are exactly like Dr Manhattan in mental capacity and physique - although, of course, female players are missing the cock."

"Perhaps I should rephrase that," he added. "Or then again, perhaps not."

The government, however, asserted that there was plenty of contradictory research showing that most members of the gaming community actually bear a far stronger resemblance to the psychotic sociopath Rorschach, if Rorschach were to abandon his sparse diet of cold baked beans, nail himself to a lavatory bowl for ten years and punish his protesting guts mercilessly with a relentless, conveyor belt-fed diet of pizza, crisps and Red Bull.

Wednesday, 11 March 2009

Outraged Britain Demands Curbs on Democracy After Luton Protest Against Democracy-Supporting Troops

Britain's senior officer in Basra, Major General Andy Salmon, has spoken movingly of the devastating effect on his troops' feelings by a couple of noisy placard-wavers in Luton.

"Morale here has collapsed entirely," wept the modern Major General. "My poor lads are sitting in their tents, bawling their eyes out. It just broke their little hearts to hear that one or two people in the UK aren't behind them, cheering on their unstinting efforts to bring freedom and democracy to the Iraqi people. I've texted them all and told them I'm here for them if they want to talk about it, but so far very few of them have taken up my offer of a manly hug."

Back in the UK, there was widespread public outrage that the perpetrators of the outrage have not been immediately deported back to wherever they came from - or, should they in fact turn out to be British, to be sent into exile in the Arctic Circle.

The British populace has displayed a rare unity in its condemnation of the protesters, with many calling for the immediate abolition of the centuries-old democratic freedom to make public expressions of dissent.

"It's a bloody disgrace, upsetting our boys like that," ranted one disgusted member of the public. "I reckon scum like that oughtt to be strung up without so much as a trial, or chucked into the sea at gunpoint and forced to swim to Iraq, since they love it so much. Our brave lads are dying out there in the name of democracy, you know, and anyone what don't support them without question better shut their trap and piss off - there's no place for their sort in Britain."

"I'm so angry right now, I could go out and burn down a mosque," he added. "But I'll probably calm down once I've tracked down the nearest halal restaurant and smashed a few windows."

Brown Unveils Pointless, Distracting Feedback Plan For Public Services

Gordon Brown has announced exciting new plans to allow the public to give feedback on public services, saying it was wrong that online retailers like eBay and Amazon had "higher standards of transparency" than the police, councils, Jobcentres and health services.

In a newly-published document called "Working Together To Distract The Public From Anything That Matters", the Prime Minister admitted that the government has been "much too slow to make use of the enormous democratising power of information to make people feel important and think they might have some sort of choice when they haven't."

From this summer, people in England will be able to comment online about their woeful experiences at the hands of monopolistic public bodies, as if it will actually make any difference to anyone reading their 127-character rants.

"This will completely transform my life," said one easily-distracted member of the public. "If my home gets turned over, I will be able to go online right away and check which police force apologises in the nicest way about not being able to do very much about it, before I ring the local plods to ask for an incident number."

"Of course, I'm assuming the thief won't have nicked my laptop," he added.

A typical doley wastrel was overjoyed to learn that he could find out which Jobcentre had the least patronising attitude before signing on wherever he was told to, while a local householder said it would make all the difference knowing precisely what people thought of her local authority's recycling scheme before paying her council tax.

However, the Tories were quick to point out that Mr Brown had neglected to mention anything about inviting members of the public to rate the national government.

"The Prime Minister appears to have forgotten that there is already a system in place for this," he said. "But we haven't."

PM's Speeches Sadly Lacking In Hilarious Buggery Innuendoes, Says Poll

In the latest in a never-ending stream of polls which didn't include you, Gordon Brown has been voted the most boring public speaker in the world, followed by David Beckham, Kate Winslet, Chris Moyles and Prince Charles.

Top of the list, according to the 1000 adults who always vote in these surveys, was the actor, writer, clever dick and credit card fraudster, St Stephen of Fry.

"A common mistake made by many public speakers is that they don't include nearly enough chortling references to anal sex," droned a tedious PR consultant to a slowly-emptying press conference.

Tuesday, 10 March 2009

If It Looks Like a Duchy and Quacks, It Must Be The Duchy of Cornwall

Prince Charles has come under attack from a leading academic for selling a bucket of shit to constipated dupes at £10 a throw.

Edvard Ernst - professor of complementary medicine at the Peninsula Medical School in Exeter - condemned the Duchy of Cornwall for exploiting a gullible public at a time of hardship, saying: "Prince Charles contributes to the ill health of the nation by pretending we can all overindulge, then take his tincture and be fine again."

'Duchy Herbal Detox Tincture' - containing artichoke, dandelion and rabbit poo - is on sale at Boots and Waitrose, where it is being snapped up by waddling, shit-choked royalists with more money than sense who are desperate for their first dump of the year.

Prince Charles was unavailable to comment on his move into the quack market, as he was busy playing with the Chilean Navy's boats. However, Andrew Baker - Chief Executive of Duchy Originals, described the overpriced tub of compost as a natural aid to digestion, saying: "it is not - and has never been described as - a medicine, remedy or cure for any disease."

"If these women weren't systematically wrecking their digestive tracts in the first place by slavishly pursuing every stupid new Daily Mail diet fad, in the vain hope that they can somehow restore their sagging tits and arses to irresisitable heights of nubile desirability," he added, "Then there wouldn't be a market for shite like this in the first place, would there? You can't really call it exploitation if these middle-aged, middle-class idiots are just begging to be exploited."

He went on to add that the Duchy Originals range would soon be expanded to include several exciting new items of bare-faced quackery, including:

- The Queen Mum's Bona Fide 100% Organic Wrinklebuster (ingredients: lard, gin and tonic);

- Her Majesty's Crock of Homeopathic Hair Balm, available in a variety of man-teasing tones (ingredients: Fantasy Brown - slurry; Pearly White: flour; Battleship Grey: whatever's lying around the farmyard);

- St Diana's Anti-Ageing Extract of Urine (ingredients: recycled newspaper articles);

- Camilla's Patent Slack Fanny Restorer (ingredients: tobacco, mechanically-recovered bull semen, tar, nicotine).

Teenagers' Brains Not Programmed to Stop Wanking and Get Out of Bed, Says Controversial Head

Teenagers should be allowed a lie-in in the morning, according to a head teacher in Tyneside.

Dr Paul Strangelove, head of Monkseaton School, says that starting school lessons at 11am can have a "profound impact" on learning.

"Teenagers are wired differently from adults," he explained. "Adults' brains eventually adapt to cope with getting up in the morning, once they finally realise you can't really get away with drinking like a bastard until sunrise, every single night of the week, and expecting to go to work in the morning feeling like Einstein. But the mind of a teenager simply isn't capable of working this out, as it is totally preoccupied with imagining what sex is like."

Memory tests performed without anaesthetic on the school's pupils by Professor Pat Pending, chair of circadian pseudoscience at Bullnose College, Oxford, showed that students' brains worked better in the afternoon.

"I say that their body clocks shift as they begin their teens because they're biologically programmed to do so, and I'm a fucking Oxford don with a gown and all that," shouted the white-coated professor from his self-designed Convert-a-Car. "Anyone who says it just takes the lazy fuckers all morning to sober up is a dirty stinking paedophile who should be strung up by the goolies."

Dr Strangelove also cited evidence showing that rousing teenagers from their beds early in the morning resulted in abrupt mood swings, increased irritability, depression, weight gain, bum fluff and a tendency to worship Bob Dylan. When it was suggested that asking teenagers to do anything at all generally produced the same results, he grabbed a nearby bottle by the neck, smashed it against a table and challenged doubting parents to come on if they were hard enough.

This is not the first time that Dr Strangelove has made the headlines. Last year he carried out a controversial experiment at the school, in which unsuspecting victims with no prior experience of the GCSE science syllabus achieved 90% pass rates after only one hour's study, punctuated by short bursts of being forced to jump through burning hoops at gunpoint.

Monday, 9 March 2009

Auschwitz Unknown To Fuckwits

One in four secondary schoolchildren do not know the meaning of the term 'Fuckwits', according to a survey run in conjunction with the DVD release of the Holocaust-related film, The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas.

2% of the ignorant little shits thought it was a beer, 8% said it could be a country bordering Germany, 2% fancied it was some kind of religious festival and 1% came up with the half-assed notion that it might be a type of bread. None of the drooling idiots realised that in fact it referred to them.

When shown a photograph of Adolf Hitler, however, 97% recognised the Jew-murdering fascist monster - although not necessarily in those terms, with some raising their right arms in salute. Of those who failed to recognise the most notorious face in human history, some thought the picture depicted Winston Churchill, Salvador Dali, Albert Einstein or their dad.

When shown a mirror, half of the teenage fuckwits failed to identify themselves. Of those, 40% said it might be Jade Goody, 25% thought it was Ben 10, 20% believed they were looking at a jacket potato, 10% were completely baffled and kept looking for a person behind the mirror and the remaining 5% tried to pick a fight with their own reflection.

"The Holocaust is a compulsory subject on the National Curriculum at secondary school," said a spokesman for the London Jewish Cultural Centre. "But, sadly, it seems that many of the current generation are absolutely education-proof. The horrific legacy of Fuckwits should be remembered for as long as human memory endures - unfortunately, I suspect this may only be about six seconds."

Jobcentres To Reassure Unemployed Mail Readers: Of Course You're Not Scrounging Doley Wasters Like Them

The government has announced a £40m package to help honest, hardworking middle-class people who read the Daily Mail and have lost their jobs through no fault of their own.

The scheme will ensure that decent folk are treated with the full respect to which they are entitled when they present themselves at their local Jobcentres, and not lumped in with the drug-addicted criminal retards commonly found slouching about such places.

Work and Pensions Secretary James Purnell told the press: "Nice people with a degree will be offered one-to-one interviews with personal advisors, invited to attend group sessions with people in similar circumstances and given tips on changing career."

When it was pointed out that this was no different from standard Jobcentre practice, Mr Purnell put a finger to his lips and said, "I know that, you know that - but Daily Mail readers desperately want to believe that Jobcentre staff regularly take horsewhips to the underclass, and who am I to spoil their illusions?"

After being taken aside by his minder and suspended upside-down by the testicles for a minute, however, the Employment Secretary rephrased his answer, saying: "No one will be getting help that is denied to other people. We want to make sure everyone looking for work has the skills and confidence they need to find a suitable job as quickly as possible."

Pressed to explain what the extra £40m would actually be spent on, Mr Purnell eventually admitted that discreet side entrances would be built onto Jobcentres, through which recently-dismissed white-collar professionals would be admitted by a smartly-dressed doorman, shown to a special reception area and offered refreshments before being apologetically asked by a grovelling PA if they wouldn't mind just signing this silly little chit and making an entry in their iPhone's scheduler for another visit in a fortnight, if it wasn't putting them to too much trouble.

Sunday, 8 March 2009

Political Journalists Struggle Manfully To Keep It Under Control

TV and radio journalists have spent today fighting a losing battle against facial cramps, as the story about somebody chucking their custard over Lord Mandelson refused to go away.

Scotland Yard did its bit to extend the life of the story by arresting the protester, Leila Deen, today in her home town of Brighton.

"At the time we just thought it was a bit of harmless fun," explained DCI Savage of the Yard. "But then we saw John Prescott on the news pointing out that it was technically assault - which is a crime apparently, even if not perpetrated against an officer of the law while being forcibly restrained by six of us in the back of a van."

Lord Mandelson appeared on the Andrew Finmarr Show this morning, where the jug-eared giant of political journalism somehow managed to blurt out, "So, Lord Mandelson, which other politicians do you think people might want to chuck their custard over? Fnarr," before being overcome by a hysterical giggling fit.

As a red-faced Mr Finmarr repeatedly bit his fist, the Business Secretary replied that he was "slightly disappointed that some in the media just took her into their studios and started interviewing her."

Finmarr - by now sliding off his chair and turning purple - tried to suggest that this was in fact normal procedure when someone did something newsworthy; but his words were rendered almost unintelligible by a series of sobs, sniggers and gasps for breath.

Undaunted, Lord Mandelson added: "We do not live in a police state, and thank goodness for it." He was then knocked senseless by the boom mike, which the sound recordist had dropped in order to hold onto his splitting sides.

"Did you see that coming?" ejaculated the helpless, rolling Finmarr, before losing control of his bladder and turning hastily to the morning's papers in search of something absorbent.

Meanwhile, over on Sky News, Sunday Live presenter Adam Hardon was left doubled up and biting his thumb knuckle after Jacqui Smith told him with a straight face: "I don't think in a democracy where people are able to speak up that anybody should chuck custard over anybody in the street."

"So would it be all right, then, if I were to chuck my custard over you behind closed doors, Home Secretary?" sniggered Sky's senior news editor, with tears rolling down his cheeks.

Her ample cleavage wobbling with indignation, Ms Smith went on: "The protester was so busy chucking her custard she wasn't actually explaining what the point of her protest was."

To barely-stifled roars of laughter from the studio crew, the convulsed Hardon then offered to demonstrate to the buxom Home Secretary the extreme difficulty of concentrating on anything else whilst chucking one's custard - at which point the nation's screens went blank due to 'technical difficulties'.

Executives at BBC Parliament are said to be eagerly anticipating record audiences this week, with easily-pleased fans of the humble double-entendre set to engorge the digital channel's flaccid viewing figures for live mass debates from the Houses of Parliament.