Saturday, 21 February 2009

Newspapers Relinquish Last Vestiges of Grip on Reality

Claims in the Sun that Atlantis has finally been found, thanks to pictures posted on Google Earth, have been wearily dismissed by Google.

"The reason the scans in question show criss-crossing lines is because the boats that made them travel in criss-crossing lines," said a spokesperson, speaking very slowly for the benefit of hard-of-thinking journalists.

The Sun claimed that the grid pattern was a clear indication of modern urban planning, and that the area off the coast of West Africa was one believed by Atlantis experts to be a likely site for the mythical lost island.

"Sorry to piss on your fireworks, dummies," continued the spokesperson, "But every single square inch of the world's ocean floor has been claimed at some time or other as the probable location of Atlantis by these so-called experts. Speaking of which, would any of Mr Murdoch's investigative geniuses like to explain to us how the hell anyone can be an 'expert' in something that isn't there?"

Intrepid Sun reporters promptly rushed off to doorstep Plato and demand to know why he was cruelly conning the gullible British public with blatant lies about a made-up holiday destination.

Were You Fooled By Julia Bradbury? Call Watchdog Now

The BBC presenter Julia Bradbury is taking time off from fronting Watchdog while she faces a police investigation into allegations that she and her sister - who is also her agent - have received thousands of pounds in free flights via unauthorised Air Miles credits to her Virgin Atlantic account.

In her final appearance on the BBC's flagship consumer rights programme, the hapless Bradbury was suddenly shoved onto a sofa by Nicky Campbell, who bluntly put it to her that she was nothing but a fraudulent hypocrite. The following exchange then took place:

BRADBURY: "I have done nothing wrong."
CAMPBELL: "Oh, come off it! On several occasions in the last three months, according to the police, you've received Air Miles worth over £20,000. Do you really expect our viewers to believe you didn't know what was going on?"
BRADBURY: "I'm very concerned about - "
CAMPBELL: "So you should be!"
BRADBURY: " - about these allegations. Although I have not been contacted by the police - "
CAMPBELL: "Perhaps you've been too busy swanning round the world at other people's expense for them to catch up with you!"
BRADBURY: "I understand that my name appears on a list that includes several Virgin passengers with discrepancies - "
CAMPBELL: "So you're part of a widespread conspiracy of fraudsters?"
BRADBURY: "I will, of course, willingly co-operate - "
CAMPBELL: "Just answer the question! No, don't bother - we've run out of time."

Sir Richard Branson was not available for comment, as the grinning pseudo-hippy was fully occupied with squaring his well-known regard for protecting our fragile environment with his hopes of adding the Honda Formula One team - complete with its fume-spewing cars, gas-guzzling fleet of giant lorries and globe-spanning race schedule - to his bulging portfolio.

Cute Indian Child Actors Eagerly Looking Forward To 3-Millisecond Spending Spree in the Malls of LA

As the Academy Awards committee hastily tweaks the results of the Oscars after a leaked 'list' of winners appeared on the internet, two children from the slums of Mumbai set off on the trip of a lifetime for the unimaginable glamour of Hollywood.

Rubina Ali and Azharuddin Ismail - both under 10 years old - both have roles in the film Slumdog Millionaire, which is widely tipped to pick up every award not already engraved with Kate Winslet's name, including categories in which has not even been entered.

The two appealingly-cute children, who are now able to go to school for the first time in their lives, and are tipped to appear in several Bollywood films, will reinforce many self-deluding white liberals' fondly-cherished illusions - central to Slumdog Millionaire's success - that there might exist some sort of hope of escape for the teeming tens of millions condemned to a miserable life of unremitting poverty at the bottom of Indian society.

As they boarded a flight bound for Los Angeles, the child actors said they were looking forward to shopping, and could not begin to imagine what kind of luxurious, life-changing Western consumer items they might bring home with the whopping 250 rupees (almost $5.04) they had managed to save for the trip to America. They are also said to be hugely excited about their once-in-a-lifetime chance to sleep rough amid the discarded trash of Sunset Boulevard.

Meanwhile, the whole of India is thought to be full of gratitude to director Danny Boyle for kindly coming to the sub-continent and showing them how to make a film.

Friday, 20 February 2009

'Take Over From Gordon? Do I Look Mad?' Says Harman

Labour's deputy leader, Harriet Harman, has poured scorn on rumours that she hopes to succeed Gordon Brown in Number 10, in the event of his appointment as Global Financial Regulator.

"Let's get a few things straight, shall we?" she told reporters. "First of all: Gordon being trusted with regulating the money markets of the world is about as likely as Robert Mugabe being given the top job at the World Health Organisation, or Frank Spencer chairing the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents. Second: I'm determined to support Gordon as the prime minister of this country, as he takes the country through what are very difficult economic times - right up to the moment when he does the decent thing and throws himself off Beachy Head clutching a live grenade, the morning after he's handed the country to David Cameron on a plate with a gilt-edged compliments slip."

Meanwhile, communities secretary Hazel Blears warned her cabinet colleagues to "get a grip" and put a stop to media speculation over who might succeed the Prime Minister.

"We all agree that Gordon is doing a splendid job as a flak-magnet," she said. "Abuse and ridicule are attracted to him like flies to shit. As long as we keep our heads down and don't do anything to remind people that we're members of the Cabinet, any of us who are lucky enough to survive the inevitable election cull of the Parliamentary Labour Party will be well placed to dump the sole blame for everything on that useless slab-faced psychopathic control freak. From now until the general election, we should all be concentrating our efforts on buttering up our smelly constituents and pretending that we have only their best interests at heart."

She then climbed a conveniently-placed tree and rescued a cute, fluffy kitten which had been placed there earlier by a spin doctor.

This Parrot Is Speaking In Cornish, Irate Tall Man Tells Pet Shop Owner

The lopsided, inbred troglodytes of Cornwall are set to declare war on the United Nations, after its cultural body, UNESCO, declared the Cornish language officially extinct.

Thirty expert linguists working on the Atlas of The World's Languages In Danger pointed out that Cornish has not been spoken since 1777, except by a tiny hardcore of about 300 fact-proof nutters with bizarre delusions about the glorious resurgence of some mythical Cornish nation that only ever existed in the vacuum of their minds.

However, Jennifer Lowe - development manager of the Cornish Language Partnership, and therefore one of a handful of people in Cornwall whose so-called job does not consist of grovelling to grockle tourists - boasted that there were thousands with a "smattering" of Cornish, due to pig-headed council schemes to cram the defunct, worthless language into the heads of schoolchildren in place of knowledge that might actually prove to be of any value in their lives.

"Thousands of unemployed Cornish youngsters can now grunt, 'me want pasty' and 'you're not from round here' in their native tongue, if you prod them with a stick and promise them a shiny coin," she explained with sadly-misplaced pride.

However, a spokesman for the UN laughed convulsively for five minutes before breathing deeply and saying: "In the deluded fantasies of the Cornish nationalist mind, Truro would be the tin-paved capital of the glorious Kernow superstate. And what does 'Truro' actually mean, in Cornish or any other language? Nobody has the faintest idea. I think that pretty much sums up the tragic futility of Cornish, don't you?"

A shabby, bearded wreck of a man - or possibly a very ugly woman - in the total-unemployment singularity known to the Ordnance Survey as Redruth shouted incoherently to our reporter for several tedious minutes. Expert analysis of the recording later suggested, however, that he was not in fact making an impassioned speech in the Cornish language after all, but merely demanding a pound in a hideously-garbled debasement of English.

Thursday, 19 February 2009

Rail Fares Now More Expensive Than Chartering Your Own Private 747, Probably, Warns Watchdog

Millions of Britons fell off their chairs in surprise today, on hearing the astounding news that UK train fares were a bit pricey.

The national rail-users' group Passenger Focus announced their astonishing discovery this morning, saying that annual season tickets for short journeys were up to 88% more expensive than in France - the second most expensive country in Europe. Some long-distance journeys were theoretically cheaper, admitted the watchdog - but only for one lucky passenger who happened to book at the exact moment when the affordable seat on the entire journey appeared unexpectedly in the booking system.

A three-ton ginger spokestom for the Association of Train Operating Companies explained the fares structure in unusually succinct terms, telling reporters to "Piss off." The same sentiment was also expressed by the Transport Secretary and stripper, Lord Adonis - although, when threatened with a wet towel, he pointed out that rail fares had actually gone down in relation to the cost of a loaf of bread.

Chav-Abuse Atrocity Surpasses Worst Excesses of Nazi Germany

Britain has been warned to be on the lookout for a highly-dangerous amateur cartoonist on the loose, after a car insurance claim form was posted on the internet featuring a shocking sketch of a roadside argument between a male motorist and a female "freeloading fat chav who doesn't have whiplash!!!"

A spokesman for insurers AIG said: "We take any potential breach of data security very seriously and we are actively conducting a full investigation into this matter."

"Chavs are a small minority group," he added. "At least as far as the insurance industry is concerned."

Oppressed chavs all over the country expressed shock and outrage when the cartoon's gratuitously offensive wording was read to them by grown-ups with computers.

"Us chavs is sortuv like an endangered species or woteva, right?" said an angry chav in an uninsured Astra with a blue searchlight mounted beneath the floorpan. "We got rights an' all innit, nowarramean? I'm reely like hurt an' upset an' that. Just hearing about this evil insulting facist bastud has like given me like reely bad trauma for life. I'm gonna want big compy for this, innit? Sorted."

A spokesman for Equality and Human Rights Commission assured the nation's scum that the vile motoracist, whose name was given on the posted from, was currently being hunted down by police marksmen and would certainly be dead before dawn.

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

US Auto Industry Sends This Week's Extortion Demand To Washington

Two of America's car giants, General Motors and Chrysler, have asked the US government for another $21bn, on top of the $17bn already given to them in recent weeks.

The firms have also announced that, handout or no handout, they will also be sacking 50,000 workers.

"There's no point in making automobiles, not even the tinfoil junk that we churn out," said GM's chief executive officer Rick Wagoner. "It's far easier just to go to Washington with a stonking great sack every day and order the President to fill it with cash. That's what we're aiming for, and we sure as hell don't need 47,000 skilled employees to do that."

GM also announced that it is to sell Saab, and is demanding that the Swedish government hand it large sums of money to cover its expenses in dismembering half of the country's motor industry.

Meanwhile, Chrysler unveiled plans for a huge underground conveyor belt running directly from the federal gold reserve at Fort Knox to its Detroit headquarters - which it hopes will be built, paid for and fed with bullion by the government as some sort of New Deal-type job-creation scheme.

"We're just too big to be allowed to fail," smirked a Chrysler spokesman. "If we fold - and make no mistake, if we are not given whatever we want, whenever we ask for it, we will fold - all we have to do is yank the chain, and the entire US of A goes down the john with us. "Look into my eyes, America, and tell me I'm bluffing. You know I mean it."

"Here at Chrysler, we don't approve of the term 'protection racket' - it makes us sound like some kind of shabby, old-fashioned criminal organisation," he added with a sinister smile. "But if you prefer it, I guess your people and our people could probably brainstorm a work-around. You know, for a fee, you hear what I'm saying?"

Facebook Temporarily Reassigns Hypothetical Future Ownership of Souls To Users

After an unprecedented outcry from many of its 175m victims, the social networking disease Facebook has backed down - for the time being - from its claims to own their mortal souls for all eternity.

The row began two weeks ago when Facebook altered its Terms of Service, allocating to itself the right to send people into every user's home and forcibly tattoo 'Property of Mark Zuckerberg' onto their foreheads.

Mr Zuckerberg, 5 - a stereotypical friendless nerd who originally founded the website as a means of keeping in touch with his other kindergarten playmates, oblivious to the fact they all hated him at first sight - pointed out that the precious content that people seemed to be getting so worked up about consisted mainly of trivial brainfarts about their drunken antics, trivial emotional upsets and peculiarly fact-resistant worldviews.

"As you drooling retards clearly can't make sense of a simple contract written in your own blood by my legal representative Mephistopheles, I have decided to withdraw it temporarily," snorted Mr Zuckerberg from his luxury dork-tank at the centre of the Earth. "I still retain the rights to the precious souls you cheerfully donated to me under the old contract - which, of course, you didn't bother to read, tee hee - but since you all seem to be getting so shirty about me owning you for all eternity, I'll gladly pass up on that particular claim for now. And later, as soon as your pathetic five-minute attention span has been distracted, I'll just reinstate it with the words in a slightly different order and backdate it," he added. "Happy now, morons? Nerk, nerk."

Millions of disgruntled Facebook addicts immediately celebrated their entirely imaginary victory, then went off to YouTube to laugh at a Muslim being publicly beheaded, or something.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

Never Say Terror Again, Urges Retired Superspy

Top retired British secret agent, James Bond, says the UK government is exploiting the fear of terrorism to bring in laws that restrict civil liberties.

Speaking to Spanish newspaper La Vanguardia, the former agent 007 said: "It would be better that the government recognished that there were rishksh, rather than frightening people in order to be able to pash lawsh which reshtrict shivil libertiesh, preshishely one of the objectsh of terrorishm - that we live in fear and under a polishe shtate."

He then offered to have brief, meaningless sex with his attractive female interviewer, despite being old enough to be her grandfather.

Agent 007's comments follow hard on the heels of yesterday's report by the SPECTRE-controlled International Commission of Jurists - which claimed that, in the name of the 'war on terror', the UK and US governments had actively undermined international law.

Commander Bond's Martini-fuelled fumblings were instantly relayed from his luxurious hotel suite, via an ingenious satellite link concealed in a condom, directly to M - the head of MI5 - who explained that the government took the sensible view that it was necessary to terrify the population in order to make them feel safe, and to protect their traditional freedoms by treating them all as criminals.

She then shouted "Bang!" to the assembled reporters, causing a mass soiling event.

Corrupt New Labour Lawyer Corruptly Accepted Corrupt Bribe From Corrupt Italian Prime Minister (and Very Good Friend Of St Tony)

David Mills, the estranged husband of Olympics Minister Tessa Jowell, has been found guilty of accepting a $600,000 bribe from Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi, and sentenced in his absence to four and a half years in prison.

The Milanese court said the British lawyer and former Labour councillor accepted the money in return for lying under oath in two corruption trials against Mr Berlusconi, who has since invented a law making himself immune from prosecution. Mills then used the money to pay off a mortgage held jointly with his wife, deciding not to bother her pretty little head about it, and Ms Jowell somehow never noticed the sudden disappearance of hefty mortgage repayments from her monthly bank statements.

Mr Mills - who, coincidentally, estranged himself from Ms Jowell on the very day the British papers got hold of the story - says he will appeal, and has every confidence in the deep pockets of his lawyer, Federico Corrupti.

Ms Jowell, meanwhile, issued a statement claiming that she may have met Mr Mills briefly at a wedding in 1979, and pointed out that she had been totally exonerated of any wrongdoing by completely impartial parliamentary officials appointed by her very good friend Tony Blair.

Meanwhile, the scrupulously honest Mr Blair gratefully accepted a million dollars from an Israeli foundation for his totally unbiased work as Middle East peace envoy.

Monday, 16 February 2009

When Subs Collide

The Royal Navy has confirmed that the nuclear submarine HMS White Vanguard was involved in a collision with a French counterpart, Le Capitulant, in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean ten days ago.

Despite having extensive sonar systems, both submarines were unaware of the presence of the other until they crashed into each other, said a naval spokesman, adding hopefully: "Well, at least it proves that the stealth technology works, eh?"

Details of the incident are only now emerging. It appears that HMS White Vanguard's helmsman was engaging in a difficult travelling-in-a-straight-line manoeuvre while scrabbling around on the floor for a Queen CD, when the French submarine suddenly appeared out of nowhere on the wrong side of the sea while its crew were looking at porn on a computer. The White Vanguard's captain sounded his horn, shouted, "Watch out, you wanker!" as required by the international law of the sea and tried to swerve out of the way, but sideswiped a passing whale and bounced back into the path of the oblivious French sub - causing extensive damage to his boat's go-faster stripes and fibreglass air dam.

Both subs surfaced immediately and - according to eye-witness accounts from the shadowing US and Russian subs - the White Vanguard's captain, inspired by centuries of RN tradition, immediately offered to send a boarding party across to "sort out" the French. The slovenly, cognac-sodden captain of the Capitulant, however, merely waved his arms around like an orang-utan, gibbered like a mad parrot and seemed extremely agitated about the scratches on his shoddily-built vessel's paintwork.

Once the traditional exchange of maritime pleasantries was over, both captains exchanged insurance details and sailed off to their home ports.

The details of the French claim are not known; it has been suggested that the details they gave may be bogus, and they may in fact have been joyriding recklessly in a stolen, hot-wired sub. Meanwhile, the Royal Navy is said to be claiming that all sixteen Trident nuclear missiles fell out of the back, and is demanding that Lloyds of London replace the sub with a shiny new one, due to a bent reactor. A spokesman for the venerable marine insurers, however, said that if the senior service checked the small print of its contract it would realise that it stood to lose a £500bn no-claims bonus if the sub was written off, adding that the White Vanguard's captain is liable for the first £3bn cost of repairs out of his own pocket.

The Fleet Air Arm: 100 Years of Second-Rate Service

The Royal Navy has unveiled plans to celebrate 100 dismal years of British naval aviation, it announced today.

It was in 1909 that the Sea Lords signed a landmark £35,000 contract to build a rigid airship to compete with the German dirigible programme. The result - HMA 1, known as the Mayfly - never flew, as a gust of wind blew it into an obstruction and it broke in half, thereby setting a precedent for much of what was to follow.

Highlights of the Fleet Air Arm's century of illustrious efforts include:

- the death of Lt Dunning, the first man to land a heavier-than-air craft on a seagoing warship, immediately after his achievement;
- a generation of useless, overweight naval fighters, because of their Lordship's refusal to believe that pilots could possibly read a map without carrying a navigator in the boot to do the thinking for them;
- a total inability to make a torpedo bomber stay in one piece without involving half a mile of piano wire;
- launching Hurricane fighters off merchant ships in the middle of the Atlantic with no means of recovering them;
- trying to squeeze the carrier, HMS Indefatigable, through the Panama Canal, then having the cheek to bill the Americans for all the bits it knocked off along the way;
- handing its Avengers back to the US Navy after the war, then having to borrow them again four years later because Britain's aviation industry couldn't make anything that worked;
- wasting a fortune trying to belly-flop jets onto rubber-decked carriers;
- the Fairey Gannet;
- ordering two squadrons of Phantom jets, insisting that they be completely redesigned for Rolls-Royce engines regardless of cost, then promptly decommissioning the only aircraft carriers that could carry them;
- somewhat optimistically maintaining that a Sea Harrier with a Sidewinder bolted onto each wingtip was some kind of first-rate fighter;
- taking its last Sea Harriers out of commission, leaving no fixed-wing aircraft in naval service for years to come, yet stoutly maintaining that its long-delayed new carriers will somehow be 'essential' to Britain's defence;
- fondly imagining that a carrier named after a cruise liner will in some way strike mortal terror into the nation's foes.

The Ministry of Defence joined in the celebratory mood today, saying that an "exciting" announcement would be made in the next few days concerning the next-generation Joint Strike Fighter. Aviation experts said the announcement would probably confirm that the Americans had finally given up trying to make the damned thing work.

Sunday, 15 February 2009

Jobfinder-General Joins Conservatives

The Labour government has been left reeling by the shock defection of their key unemployment advisor, Sir David Freud, to the Conservatives.

The financier was initially recruited from the City by former PM Tony Blair to devise new sticks to beat the jobless with, and was subesquently rehired by new Work and Pensions Secretary Andy Burnham to write a green paper tarring all single parents and the disabled as feckless loafers. However, it is claimed that even the compulsive work-ethic addict Gordon Brown found the Jobfinder-General's more advanced suggestions hard to stomach - and when the Tories offered him a peerage, he decided the time had come to change his allegiance.

"[Sir David] feels very much that, through this recession, welfare is going to be one of the big challenges in the next few years," said a Tory source, "And he would like to be part of the destruction of it, hopefully in a Cameron administration."

"The Jobfinder-General has many interesting proposals which match traditional Conservative policies far more closely that those of this waster-friendly government," said shadow chancellor George Osborne. "For instance, never in a million years would those welfare-addicted socialists on the government benches even contemplate herding the disabled into glass tanks in fashionable West End restaurants so that diners can select the one they would like to eat."

"And only a Conservative government will deliver on a promise to use the entire population of Liverpool as an energy-rich fuel for a new generation of private-sector power stations," he added.

Mr Cameron is planning to give Sir David a place on the shadow front bench as soon as he has been elevated to the House of Lords. He is also expected to advise the party on economic policy - bringing to bear 20 years of banking experience as the architect of the taxpayer-cheating bargain-basement disposal of Network Rail to his City chums, and as the idiot who dreamt up the eternally-unpayable financing of the Channel Tunnel on the never-never.

It is, however, in his main role of Jobfinder-General that Sir David is expected to shine, with his fearful cry of "I smell... doleys!" set to strike terror into Labour MPs facing the prospect of long-term unemployment after the next general election.

Put Homeless in Burnt-Out Shells, Says Cameron

Conservative leader David Cameron has unveiled a radical plan to reduce waiting lists for social housing by removing tiresome, unnecessary housing regulations, such as the requirement for a roof.

There are currently 4.5 million people waiting to be housed and, with over a hundred repossessions every day, the number is rising rapidly.

"There is far too much red tape holding everything up," explained Mr Cameron. "In these difficult times, people can't afford to be too choosy. Obviously glass windows are better than plywood boards, wallpaper is more decorative than obscene graffiti and boards are ideally placed in neat rows on the floor rather than doused in petrol, stuffed under the staircase and lit - but really, all you need to make a home is four walls. In fact three will do, at a pinch."

"Councils are just wasting valuable time and money bringing these hovels up to an arbitrary level that some fusty do-gooder long ago decided was 'fit for human habitation'," he continued. "What's important is to get these ghastly scum housed right away. Then, if they've got to put their own roof on, replace the melted electrics and kill all the cockroaches, they'll be far too tired to go out stealing cars and throwing stones at fire engines, or whatever it is that they do on council estates."

Mr Cameron went on to say that, once the rehoused families were able to move out of the coal cellar, they would then be free to convert it into live-in quarters for their domestic staff.