Saturday, 25 July 2009

Brown Invites Clarkson To Step Outside

Gordon Brown has stormed round to BBC Television Centre with his sleeves rolled up and shouting for Jeremy Clarkson to "come outside and face me like a man", after the TV presenter called the prime minister "a cunt" during the warm-up to a recording of Top Gear.

BBC2 controller Janice Hadlow later confronted Mr Clarkson, but did not order him to apologise after voters in Norwich - and, subsequently, many Labour MPs - confirmed the inescapable truth of the statement.

Nevertheless, Downing Street aides report that Mr Brown threw his bowl of cold porridge across the kitchen when Mr Clarkson's comment was reported on breakfast TV, then stamped out in his shirtsleeves vowing to "rip the cock clean off that smug Sassenach twat and ram it so far down his throat he'll be pissing out of his arse for the rest of his miserable life".

Mr Brown was later captured on CCTV at a Central London branch of Costcutter, where he ran out without paying for a bottle of own-brand whisky - presumably to fortify himself for the forthcoming punch-up.

When he arrived in Shepherd's Bush, Mr Brown relieved himself against the car park barrier before staggering around shouting for Mr Clarkson, who was in fact at home in Chipping Norton, extracting his latest opinions from the top of his head for the enlightenment of readers of the Sunday Times.

"Gordon Brown, eh? What a piss-faced, shit-eating, ball-wrenching cunt," the Repton-educated Mr Clarkson told reporters, as speech-recognition software simultaneously transcribed his words of wisdom and emailed them directly to Rupert Murdoch's presses.

Meanwhile, back at Television Centre, Mr Brown was repeatedly punched to the ground and kicked by a growing queue of BBC staff, assisted with enthusiasm by passing members of the public until Lord Mandelson arrived in a New Labour ambulance and took the insensible cunt back to his cage to sleep it off.

'Fading Away' of Old Soldiers Now Completely Discredited By Medical Evidence

The death of Harry Patch - the last survivor of the horrors of trench warfare in World War One - has conclusively disproved the once-prevalent medical theory that old soldiers did not, in fact, die at all, but merely faded away.

"Harry certainly didn't fade away," said a spokesman for the Bath care home in which he passed away at the age of 111. "He died in the usual way, just like non-soldiers do, and his body is very much in evidence at the hospital morgue."

Mr Patch's fade-defying demise comes only days after his fellow-veteran of the Great War, Henry Allingham, similarly died in a completely material manner.

Conscripted into the Duke of Cornwall's Light Infantry as a machine gunner after the Battle of the Somme wiped out most of British youth's former enthusiasm for volunteering for the glorious opportunity to be eviscerated, gassed, mutilated, bayoneted, riddled with bullets, blown to fragments, drowned in mud or merely driven insane by the relentless mind-numbing horror and shot by their own side, Harry arrived at the front line in 1917 - just in time to take part in the hideously pointless slaughter of Passchendaele, during which a German shell exploded above him, killing three of his friends outright and slicing him open so badly that he was still in hospital when the war ended over a year later.

For most of his life afterwards, Mr Patch was strangely reluctant to boast of his worthwhile efforts to promote the democratic British way of life to foreign nations, shunning the annual wreath-laying ceremony at the Cenotaph as "show business" and insisting that "war isn't worth a single life" - until the media tracked him down in recent years and repeatedly dragged him from his retirement home, as part of their inspirational campaign to convince the public that dying needlessly for some nebulous idea which exists only in the heads of politicians is in fact the noblest and most honourable pinnacle of human achievement.

The same public figures who issued statements last week praising Henry Allingham quickly emailed the same statements to the press again today with the names changed, then carried on with what they were doing.

However, not all doctors have given up entirely on the idea of old soldiers fading away instead of dying.

"There is still one British survivor of the First World War," said an Australian GP. "Claude Choules served with the Royal Navy; but since he now lives down here in Perth and nobody today realises that the navy also took part in The War To End Wars, he seems to have faded completely from public awareness."

Friday, 24 July 2009

Foetus Defeats Labour In Mutant Country By-Election

Tory leader David Cameron hailed an "historic" victory in the Norwich North by-election today, after an unborn foetus snatched the seat from Labour with a 7000-vote majority.

As the foetus - to be named Chloe when she is born in six weeks' time - was unable to conduct her own campaign, except through occasional kicks and personal appearances on an ultrasound scanner, the entire shadow cabinet moved into the constituency for the run-up to the election.

"As far as I can see, the oddly-shaped creatures which inhabit Norwich will be well-represented by a foetus," said Mr Cameron, sighing with relief as he jumped into a helicopter the moment the result was confirmed by election officials. The announcement was delayed until 12.30pm, as many of the counters had more than the usual number of fingers.

By happy coincidence, Chloe's birth is scheduled to coincide with the State Opening of Parliament in September, after its lengthy summer break. The Queen is expected to act as midwife to Britain's youngest MP.

Meanwhile, the long-suffering public are already complaining about bored, uncontrollable MPs terrorising them in their homes as they kick their political footballs in residential streets, ride recklessly around public opinion, scrawl abusive graffiti about the elderly all over the local papers and scream loudly for more pocket money.

Courts Send Clear Message On Violent Behaviour

Richard Norman, a father who punched a football referee for abandoning an under-14s match, has been jailed for 18 months at Swansea Crown Court, after recorder Paul Thomas QC told him he had set a "dreadful example" to impressionable young teenagers.

"It is very important to get this clear message across to British youth that violence is completely unacceptable in a civilised society," commented Justice Secretary Jack Straw later. "This aggressive thug, who callously ignored his responsibility as a role model to his son and other teenagers, has earned a well-deserved penalty for his unacceptable behaviour."

Meanwhile, Liverpool captain Steven Wellard and Troubled Singer Whiny Shithouse - both completely unknown to young people - walked scot-free from courts today, after punching ordinary members of the public for getting within striking distance of the celebrities.

The Troubled Singer was unavailable for comment, as she emerged from the City of Westminster magistrates' court with an enormous drug in her mouth. However, an elated Steven Wellard stood triumphantly on the steps of Liverpool Crown Court, punching the air and any reporters who foolishly got within range.

"This a great victory," he grunted, beating his chest. "Me celebrate - ring rich mates - go clubbing. Us club any peasant what not run away fast enough."

Thursday, 23 July 2009

Church Unveils Two-In-One Service for Fornicators and Bastards

Children born out of wedlock can now be dunked in a font as their sinful parents belatedly tie the knot, thanks to a new 'buy-one-get-one-free' service launched today by the Church of England.

Sexually-repressed frumps whose idea of orgasmic ecstasy is a vase of nicely-arranged flowers and happy-clappy Jesus freaks who know the Bible is literally true because it says so in the Bible have, however, spoken out against the combined service.

"With this twisted travesty of a holy ritual, the bishops are giving a big thumbs-up for wicked fornicators to live in sin and beget one abominable bastard after another from their unclean, Satan-fuelled loins as they abandon themselves wholly to their perverse lusts," said a sniffy old maid who has devoted her life to writing letters of complaint to the BBC.

"Instead of making up a wicked lie that Jesus in some way approves of their unnatural passions and loves their tainted spawn, the church authorities would do well to revive the wiser traditions of our Godfearing elders," insisted a man with tiny eyes half an inch apart and no discernible forehead. "They would not have hesitated for a second before stripping these fornicators and whores naked and parading their vile shame through the streets for all to see, before flogging them unconscious and dumping their bloody carcasses on the dungheap outside the town gates, with the rest of the stinking ordure."

"And their horrid devil-brood should be exposed at birth and left on a hillside to die, before they grow horns and cloven hooves," he added. "Hallelujah!"

A spokesman for the Archbishop of Canterbury said, "Would you like a cup of tea?"

Courts To Rule On Celebrities' Right To Deck Proles

Liverpool captain Steven Wellard and Troubled Singer Whiny Shithouse are appearing in court today, to explain why beautiful, talented stars like them must retain the right to twat any member of the unwashed masses who gets within punching distance.

"This bloke moved towards me and my mates in a nightclub," explained Wellard to the judge and jury at Liverpool Crown Court. "It was immediately obvious to me that he didn't have any talent or beauty at all, like. So I reached behind him as he came closer with my special telescopic arm, grabbed the back of his jumper and swung my fist around a few times. I don't remember what happened next, but when the red mist faded I was told that each swing struck him right in his untalented face. If only I could get that kind of 100% accuracy when I'm on the pitch."

Meanwhile, Whiny Shithouse was telling the City of Westminster magistrates why she laid into a dancer at a charity ball in Berkeley Square.

"Like this dozy slapper she cam apta me wiv 'er arm ap, like she reckon she's allowed to like taach me or sumfink, innit?" slurred the Troubled Singer. "I wuz like, 'Naah!', and she's all like, 'Yeah?', right, an' I give 'er face a gennle shaav like, wiv me knuckles? I'm like, 'Git away fram me, y'skanky caah, I'm like rilly scared?', right? Cos I'm only like five foot three - okay, six foot six if you caant me 'air innit. Peepo are like rilly rude an' mad an' shit these days, innit, cos like they can't 'andle their drink jenoworra mean? I swear I dunt know where they gits it from, I dunt straight. Sawtid. Kin I fack orf 'ome naah, mate? Me divawce jass caam froo like, an' I wanna git aht and git shit-faced wiv me girly mates innit?"

Liam Gallagher of Oasis, meanwhile, is said to have booked himself onto an anger enhancement course, after inexplicably failing to leap into the crowd and kick the living shit out of a fan who splashed his coat with lager.

Wednesday, 22 July 2009

Disconnected Graham Norton Flapping Around Uncontrollably

The BBC is holding crisis-level talks to find a new Saturday night vehicle for the towering genius of Graham Norton after the world's richest potato, Andrew Lloyd-Webber, cancelled his latest plug-for-a-forthcoming-musical masquerading as a talent show after somebody remembered the corporation was supposed to have strict rules about commercial advertising.

"Every single licence-payer is contributing £20 to Graham's salary this year, so we feel we should at least put him on the telly occasionally," said director-general Mark Thompson, just before heading off to an undisclosed 5-star location for a series of emergency meetings.

Norton - whose completely original camp style owes absolutely nothing to such outdated gay stereotypes as Frankie Howerd, Danny La Rue, Kenneth Williams, Larry Grayson, John Inman, Michael Barrymore, Dale Winton or Julian Clary - reportedly locked himself in his dressing-room, otherwise known as the top floor of BBC Television Centre, when producers broke the news to him that Totally Saturday had been axed after audience research showed that care-home residents were willing themselves to die rather than sit through it. He is now thought to be flapping around uncontrollably, with health and safety advisors desperate to reconnect him to a primetime hit before he causes serious damage to the BBC's case for another increase in the licence fee.

"Audience figures for The One And Only may have matched the title, and Strictly Dance Fever was about as popular as swine flu crossed with MRSA," said a BBC spokesman. "But you have to admit that, when fronting a musical-based talent search on behalf of Lord Potato-Head, nobody can do the links between acts with as much edgy panache as Graham."

One suggestion being considered by BBC heads is to cast Norton as the companion to Matt Smith's new Doctor Who, which began filming on Monday.

"It would mean reshooting a couple of scenes," said script editor Stephen Tuffet, "But looking on the bright side, I suppose we wouldn't be asking the audience to put up with two ginger assistants in a row. And any alien would think probably twice about conquering the Earth, if it had to go through Graham Norton first."

Meanwhile, TV audiences have been bombarding the BBC with their own suggestions for showcasing the irritating leprechaun-creature, although Mr Thompson pointed out that most of them would, by their terminal nature, only be suitable for one-off shows rather than a thirteen-week format.

"Apart from the one involving the removal of Graham's internal organs one by one, without anaesthetic, as decided by a phone poll and a panel of experts," he added. "We've put together a production team to flesh out the proposal."

'13-Year-Old Monster Had Mass Murder In Her Heart', Say Police

A 13-year-old girl has been arrested before she was able to carry out her sick plan to murder every man, woman and child in Croydon with a machine gun, according to a spokesman for the Metropolitan Police force's specialist CO19 armed response team.

"This toy replica assault rifle is being examined by forensic firearms specialists to see how easily the girl would have converted it into a lethal, death-spitting weapon of mass destruction," PC Savage told reporters at a New Scotland Yard press smearing. "At present, two possibilities suggest themselves. With alchemical skills she might easily acquire at an al-Qaeda summer camp, she might soon have discovered the formula for turning base plastics into gunmetal. Alternatively, she could have sold it for a couple of quid, and used that as a down-payment on a real AK47 from a down-and-out former squaddie."

PC Savage also said that the Met were looking into reports that the property in which the gun was hidden under a pile of clothes was frequented by people who may have had links to gangs.

"Cody-Lee Scowser, one of Merseyside's most notorious graffiti artists, set fire to a stolen car just down the road the other day," he added. "We are pretty sure that he was aware of these premises, as he collided with a lamp-post just outside the front door. It's unlikely to be a coincidence."

The 13-year-old girl is expected to be released without charge in a week or two, once the police have reduced her to a state of agoraphobic terror and downgraded the gun's description from 'deadly machine gun' to 'spring-loaded pellet toy'.

"Funny how times change," added PC Savage. "When I was a nipper back in the 70s, every lad in my street had an Airfix replica assault rifle."

He was then shot to bloody ribbons by his CO19 colleagues, who raced off to track down and execute anyone who grew up within a two-mile radius of his childhood home.

Tuesday, 21 July 2009

Britain Uncovers Previously-Unsuspected 'Class System'

British society was rocked to its very foundations today by the discovery of a 'class system', in which people's future prospects are seemingly mapped out by the circumstances into which they are born.

In a report on social mobility published today, entitled Fair Access To The Professions, former minister Alan Milburn claims to have discovered shocking evidence that few - in fact, none - of the top professions are dominated by people born on inner-city council estates, whose siblings all had different surnames.

"I know many people will fall off their chairs on hearing about this," said Mr Milburn, "But it really does seem that the majority of Britain's top judges, doctors, lawyers, bankers and journalists come from the Home Counties, had wealthy professional parents, were privately educated and went to a proper university. Not only that, but the nation's worst check-out operatives, refuse collectors, squaddies, fast-food vendors, long-term doleys and repeat offenders seem to come from the North of England, Newport or Glasgow."

"Perhaps it's something to do with the water?" he speculated. "Because I'm pretty sure it can't be connected in any way to forty years of political interference in the education system."

Mr Milburn went on to say that the only certain way to guarantee a fair and level playing field for all children, regardless of background, is more political interference in the education system.

All Life Must Cease To Prevent Swine Flu, Claim Medical Researchers

The government is considering a call from researchers at Imperial College London to carpet-bomb all public meeting-places and nail everyone's doors and windows shut, in a desperate last-ditch attempt to prevent every living thing on the planet from dying from horrible piggy death.

"Ve do not vish to spread undue alarm or panic about vot is, after all, a very minor health threat," said lead researcher Dr Neil Strangelove, "But you are all going to die screaming in unendurable agony, unless ze government does exactly as ve say. Schools, shops, cinemas, sporting venues, pubs und clubs und vorkplaces must be closed down vizout delay und bombed into oblivion by ze Luftwaffe - sorry, of course I mean ze RAF - or, better still, by ze deployment of strategic nuclear weapons. Meanwhile, such of ze population as remains should be entombed in zer homes immediately, vere zey can die decently vizout making anybody else cough."

"Ze only exceptions to zis policy should be a few scientifically-selected specimens of superior breeding stock, who vill emerge from zer bunkers to found a new und better society, free from all of ze infections und taints of ze failed democratic experiment," continued Dr Strangelove, who seemed to be having some difficulty in controlling his arm.

Meanwhile, hard-pressed doctors are being overwhelmed by cases of 'trench hand', caused by hygiene-obsessed women who insist on impregnating their hands with antiseptic gel every time they open a door, use a tap, press a button or handle money. The condition is often accompanied by the dreaded 'trench bum', which is the result of repeatedly smearing the buttocks with gel before sitting down.

Monday, 20 July 2009

UK Terror Threat Warning Reduced To Lower Case

The Home Office has reduced the terror threat level in the UK to "Aaargghh!!!" - the first time it has been changed since 2007, when it was raised to "AAARGGHH!!!".

"In the light of mounting evidence that the population of Britain has not, in fact, been blown to bits, a terror warning indicating the universal certainty of violent death is no longer considered to be appropriate," said Home Secretary Alan Johnson. "We have therefore downgraded the warning to a more realistic level. The government is happy to tell you that, thanks to the tireless work of the forces of law and order, you are all now only going to be horribly maimed."

"But we would still advise jumpy white bigots to let the police know whenever anybody with a beard moves into the neighbourhood," he added. "You can't be too careful."

Meanwhile, the government moved its Health Threat Warning up from "Eek!" to "OMIFUCKINGGOD!!!" as swine flu continued to rampage unchecked across the front pages of the red-top comics.

British Airways and Virgin Atlantic have now installed vicious, unpredictable ED-209 robots at Heathrow to blast suspected swine-flu carriers to shreds, while the NHS swine flu website has finally gone online after a month-long delay - allowing the nation's panic-stricken medieval peasant throwbacks to email their constant demands for Tamiflu into the void of cyberspace, and providing welcome relief for hard-pressed doctors' surgeries.

"Thank Christ for that," said Dr Foster, a Gloucester-based GP. "If one more hysterical shithead bursts through my door demanding a crate of Tamiflu for their hay fever, there is a very real danger that I may finally lose my patience, punch their lights out, wrap the blood-pressure measuring cuff around their stupid skull and pump it up until their head implodes, so help me God."

Moon Reunion 'Faked', Claim Conspiracy Theorists

On the 40th anniversary of mankind's first landing on the moon, conspiracy theorists are carefully examining TV footage to search for signs that the public reunion of the Apollo 11 astronauts was not really shot in Washington DC's National Air and Space Museum at all, but actually took place on the surface of the moon.

"Look carefully at the BACKGROUND," insisted an unblinking Californian feng shui exorcist in a tinfoil hat. "IT'S SOLID BLACK. If this 'interview' actually took place in a 'museum', as the NEW WORLD ORDER want you to 'think' - WHERE are the WALLS? WHERE are the STUFFED ANIMALS in 'glass' cases? WHERE IS TUTANKHAMEN? No, what you're looking at is the EMPTY void of ENDLESS SPACE. Wise up to the 'government' LIES, people, WISE UP."

"Just LISTEN to their delivery when they SPEAK," added a homeopathic dreamweaver from Dorset, who lives with a pack of vegan dogs and a liberated parrot. "It's SLOW and DELIBERATE - JUST AS YOU'D EXPECT WORDS TO BE, if they were 'spoken' in ONE-SIXTH of the earth's 'gravity'. Millions of RESPECTED SCIENTISTS you've never heard of are desperately trying to get people to learn the true FACTS that the 'government' will STOP AT NOTHING to prevent you from knowing, in a series of lavishly-worded $50 BOOKS you can only track down in 'ramshackle' BOOKSHOPS run by hippies, or direct from their WEBSITES."

"And how else can you explain the TOTAL LACK of any discernible ATMOSPHERE in the ENTIRE 'broadcast'?" she added. "They're ON THE FUCKING MOON, obviously. If you don't believe me, ask your NEAREST lizard."

David Icke, the world's foremost expert on conspiracies, is expected to broadcast a definitive rambling statement on the internet soon - because the Illuminati-owned news media are willingly co-operating with a top-secret government D-notice ordering them not to allow him airtime - in which he is likely to provide the world's free-thinking truth-seekers with enough research material to fuel an estimated 30,000,000,000 unwinnable arguments on Facebook.

Sunday, 19 July 2009

Britain's Problems All Solved By Barbecues In Streets

According to organisers at Cornwall's Eden Project, two million people turned out in their streets to give swine flu to the noisy bastards next door and provide free advertising for the Eden Project by taking part in 'The Big Stunt'.

"I think it's been a great sucess," said spokeswoman Rhona Hurcome-Tocornwall. "People have already said that eating a couple of half-cooked sausages on sticks in the middle of the road has brought a deep and lasting joy to their tragic, desolate lives, and that they will be sure to drive the length of the country to see how the world has been single-handedly saved by the Eden Project, Bodelva, Cornwall PL14 1SG,, open 9am-4.30pm - family tickets a snip at £38, online discounts available."

"Eating a sandwich in the drizzle outside me warm, dry flat with young Cody-Lee, who tells me he's just moved in down the street, has really opened me eyes to what a great bunch of people the British really are," enthused Liverpudlian father-of-three Jimmy O'Dowd, "For two pins, right, I'd bundle the kids into the car right now and do a 600-mile round trip to see a flippin' great big greenhouse. Only I can't seem to find me car keys all of a sudden, like. Or me car. Or Cody-Lee."

"Will you excuse me for a moment?" he added, "I'm just popping indoors for five minutes to look for me shotgun."

Street parties have been taking place in hundreds of locations - including 10 Downing Street, where host Alistair Darling was wondering why so few Londoners were partaking of his tasty lard sandwiches.

"I can't understand it," said the Chancellor of the Exchequer, waving a soggy black-and-white photocopy of the flag. "I was really hoping the reclusive Scottish bloke who lives next door to me would be tempted to abandon his lonely ways for an hour and mix with the happy, smiling British public. But he hasn't showed up, and neither have they."

Eden Project founder Tim Shit declared that the day had been a huge success - repairing Broken Britain, banishing the spectre of recession, creating millions of real jobs, ending conflicts all over the world and doubling ticket sales for the Eden Project.

"And my very good friends at EDF say their nuclear and coal-fired power stations have been working overtime to fuel all that cooking, too," he smiled. "So everyone's a winner."

'I Thought The Home Office Was A Spare Room With A Laptop,' Explains Jacqui Smith

The former Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, has said that she wished she had been better trained for the role, pointing out that she had "never worked for a major organisation" in her life.

"When Gordon Brown offered me the Home Office, I thought, 'Great! I can sit in my sister's back room - which also happens to be my main residence, no really - all day long with a bottle of liebfraumilch, watching DVDs and voting on the internet, instead of trudging into Westminster every day'," admitted the MP.

"Imagine my surprise when some civil servant rang up and told me the police had foiled some would-be terrorists who had parked a bomb-laden car in Mayfair," she told Total Politics magazine. "I said, 'Well, good for them, but why are you telling me this?' and he told me I was responsible for the Metropolitan Police, as well as the formulation and implementation of the UK's overall anti-terror strategy. Bugger me, I nearly fell off my swivel chair."

Ms Smith criticised the cabinet system of British politics for reshuffling ministers into jobs for which they had no aptitude or experience, saying: "I hope I did a good job, but if I did it was more by luck than by any kind of development of those skills. It's ridiculous really, this whole silly system of electing a useless bunch of dolts in some kind of national popularity contest every few years. What we need is some kind of self-perpetuating meritocracy, in which the country is run by unelected, unaccountable officials who have a far better understanding of big affairs of state than Joe Public."

"Basically, what I think, right, is we ought to hand over the country to the civil service, the police and private enterprise, yeah?" said Ms Smith before being distracted by Dickinson's Real Deal on the telly.