Saturday, 11 June 2011

Colour Successfully Trooped For Another Year

Great Scenes of Relief in The Capital
That Colour won't be troubling Britain again for a while
The nation breathed a collective sigh of relief today, after the dreaded Colour was successfully trooped for another year through the skill, determination and sheer guts of our plucky British boys.

Pillbox Trick
Led into the field for the first time by General HRH The Duke of Ambridge - who heroically oversaw a textbook example of modern urban warfare from his exposed observation post on a Buckingham Palace balcony - cavalry shock-troops spearheaded the assault, sabres rattling as they escorted into position our big guns: Commander-in-Chief HM The Queen (cunningly disguised as a pillbox); Lord High Admiral of the Fleet HRH The Duke of Edinburgh; Chief WAG HRH The Duchess of Ambridge; and Lance-Bombardier Camilla Parker-Bowles of the Royal Horsefaced Artillery, who deployed heavy smoke to conceal our brave lads’ advance.

Craven Surrender
A sterling mass of plucky infantrymen, wielding their feared Palitoy Guns, then marched in to completely surround the terrible Colour, which cravenly surrendered as our magnificent men in their flying machines went up-tiddly-up-up and down-tiddly-down-down, looping the loop, defying the ground, flying upside-down with their feet in the air.

Real Fear Of Colour
“With Britain’s forces stretched by deployments in the Middle East, this year there was a real fear that the Colour would triumph at last,” commented a Mr Rik Mayall, speaking on behalf of Britain’s brewers. “Thank God the drab streets of London have been saved once again from the depradations of any unwelcome Colour!”

“Huzzah!” he added on behalf of his sponsors.

Friday, 10 June 2011

Ban This Sickly Addictive Crap, Shrieks Orange

Just say no
The Daily Express is crammed full of addictive toxic material and should be blacklisted immediately as a Class A drug, shrieked an orange today.

“A disturbing number of people think the Daily Express is harmless,” the orange screamed at unsuspecting passers-by in the fruit aisle at Waitrose. “In fact, many of them believe that swallowing this stuff on a regular basis actually improves their mental health and sense of well-being. But today I exclusively reveal what my rotten rival, the tomato, dare not – i.e. the Daily Express is the unsuspected cause of a tragic tidal wave of human suffering.”

According to the shrill claims presented by the orange, the Daily Express is positively squelching with harmful ingredients - ranging from the seemingly innocuous but horribly addictive sickly-sweetness of Richard and Judy, via a Frederick Forsythe which is well past its sell-by date, to the poisonous choking hazard of Ann Widdicombe.

The orange called on David Cameron to act swiftly by criminalising the manufacture, sale and distribution of the Daily Express, and jailing anyone found to be in possession of a copy.

“Just one sip of the Daily Express can have permanent mind-altering effects,” shouted the orange. “Our hospitals’ secure units are full of hysterical nervous wrecks whose mindset has been irrevocably damaged by swallowing its insidious dribble.”

The Sun Says: Jesus Was A Blood-Drenched Communist Tyrant

Britain’s leading opinion-former, the Sun, solemnly warned the nation today to have no truck with hate-filled revolutionary Trotskyite Dr Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, or his blood-drenched communist organisation, the Church of England.

Jesus would take these away in the middle of the night
As prime minister David Cameron vigorously rebutted the red rebel with a statesmanlike “Get fucked, beardy - I don’t remember anyone voting for you”, the intensely patriotic Australian-turned-American-for-commercial-purposes Rupert Murdoch heroically manipulated his organ to denounce the Archbishop as an unreformed follower of the notorious Palestinian communist, Jesus Christ.

“How DARE this sheep-shagging Christist THUG emerge from his TERROR stronghold in some dismal Welsh valley to hurl baseless SLANDERS at your, I mean our, glorious leader?” he demanded, under his nom de plume, ‘Dominic Mohan’. “STICK your blood-soaked communion wafers UP your synod, you fuzzy-faced STALIN wannabe, and take your failed MARXIST IDEOLOGY of truth and humanity with you! It’s NOT British, it’s FOREIGN and we don’t want any part of it!”

“And you can tell your MURDERING demagogue GOD the SUN said so!” he added.

Elsewhere, on page 3, curvaceous Sammi-Jo, 18, used her pert breasts to portray Christ as the jealous disseminator of a subversive revolutionary poison expressly designed to destroy British society from within.

“Jesus will NEVER get his MITTS on my TITS!” she boasted proudly.

Bomb Explodes Harmlessly, Causing Only Minor Damage To Balls

A bombshell that was meant to assassinate Tony Hitblair six years ago exploded harmlessly in the Daily Telegraph this morning, causing only superficial harm to one-eyed chief conspirator Gordon von Stauffenbrown’s Balls.

According to the Telegraph’s forensic experts, the bomb plot appears to have been hatched in the dark days of 2005 when an increasingly deranged Hitblair cynically reneged on his promise to step down, which he famously scribbled on a restaurant menu long cherished by Stauffenbrown. As Hitblair, buoyed by the continuing support of the British hordes in their mighty Volvo tanks, continued to ignore the promise - no matter how hopefully Stauffenbrown brandished it before the world’s press - a desperate plot was hatched to blow Hitblair out of office.

Labour has only got one Balls
Unfortunately for the plotters, the bomb turned out to be a complete dud and Hitblair survived unharmed until he chose to end his own reign just before the chaotic last days of the Labour government, defiantly bringing ruin to the nation by appointing the hapless Stauffenbrown as his successor.

The bomb was soon forgotten – until yesterday, when it unexpectedly went off with a disappointing pop in an old newspaper. An embarrassed Stauffenbrown emerged from the smoke with his trousers in tatters and his blackened Balls dangling in full view of everyone.

“My reputation is undamaged,” he assured reporters, “Because I haven’t got one.”

‘I Want To Enjoy Myself A Bit Now’, Prince Philip Warns World

'Can't eat them, can't hunt them - bloody useless scroungers'
On the occasion of his 90th birthday, Prince Philip has given the world notice that he has done his duty to the nation, and feels like enjoying himself in his dotage.

As hacks enthusiastically checked the batteries in their voice recorders, the queen’s male wife reached for the first volume of the Encyclopedia Britannica and cheerfully set off on an epic tirade of thoughtless abuse against everything in creation, which is likely to last as long as he does.

“He hasn’t really got into his stride yet,” said an eager reporter from the Daily Mail. “So far he’s only gratuitously offended stuff like sharp bits of lava, aardvarks and legendary Finnish rally driver Rauno Aaltonen, Nothing much worth printing there, but things should warm up a treat when he gets to Americans and Asians.”

Thursday, 9 June 2011

Dorbishop of Canterbury Wakes Up, Paints Picture Of Treacly Hardship, Nods Off

The Dorbishop of Canterbury woke up briefly today and solemnly warned a curious Little Statesgirl that the Prime Hatter/Deputy Hare coalition was committing Wonderland to “radical, treacle-based hardship for which no-one voted,” before dozing off again.

“Once upon a time there were three little sisters,” the Dorbishop began in a great hurry; “And their names were Elsie, Lacie, and Tillie; and they lived at the bottom of a well - ”

“What did they live on?” said the Little Statesgirl, who always took a great interest in questions of eating and drinking.

“They lived on treacle,” said the Dorbishop, after thinking a minute or two.

“They couldn't have done that, you know,” the Little Statesgirl gently remarked; “They'd have been ill.”

“So they were,” said the Dormouse; “Very ill. Yet they were assessed as fully fit for work.”

The Little Statesgirl tried to fancy to herself what such an extraordinary ways of living would be like, but it puzzled her too much, so she went on: “But why did they live at the bottom of a well?”

“Take some more tea,” the Deputy Hare said to the Little Statesgirl, very earnestly.

“I've had nothing yet,” the Little Statesgirl replied in an offended tone, “I can't take any more.”

“You mean you can't take less,” said the Prime Hatter: “It's very easy to take more than nothing, as millions of malingering scroungers will readily attest.”

This piece of rudeness was more than the Little Statesgirl could bear: she got up in great disgust, and walked off; the Dorbishop fell asleep instantly, and neither of the others took the least notice of her going, though she looked back once or twice, half hoping that they would call after her: the last time she saw them, they were trying to put the Dorbishop into the teapot.

“At any rate I'll never vote Liberal Democrat again!” said the Little Statesgirl as she picked her way through the wood. “It's the stupidest party I ever saw in all my life!”

The Dawkins Delusion

Bookshops report that they are fast selling out of God’s new book, The Dawkins Delusion, in which the omnipresent creator systematically demolishes the antiquated myth of liberal meritocracy to which millions of woolly thinkers still slavishly adhere.

The feeding of the £18,000
“Dawkins and his apostles have been cynically peddling their outdated belief system for too long,” snarled an angry but just God. “While they publicly proclaim their absolute faith in the miracle of natural selection on the basis of inherent ability, in reality they have constructed a self-serving temple of Mammon whose shabby purpose is simply to keep them in riches at the £18,000-a-year expense of their tragically deluded followers.”

“Verily I say unto you, it is easier for a talented but poor student to pass through the eye of a needle than to enter the New Kingdom of the Humanities,” he thundered.

God later smote Dawkins’ high priest, AC Grayling, with a smoke grenade as he preached to the chattering classes at Foyles Bookshop – an act which Archprofessor Dawkins dismissed as a simple conjuring trick, while his acolyte Niall Ferguson vehemently argued on Channel 4 that the incident never really happened at all.

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

Liam Fox Keen To Recruit Psychic Detective For War On Cyber-Crime

Have you remotely viewed this woman? Link minds with the sherriff
As the Liberty County Sherriff’s Office closes in on the radio phone-in caller who wasted their time with a psychic tip-off about bodies hidden in a truck driver’s garden, British defence secretary Dr Liam Fox urged her to forward him her CV at the earliest opportunity.

“Cold, emotionless cyber-criminals who were once human are launching thousands of attacks on the Ministry of Defence even as I speak,” asserted the swivel-eyed defence secretary. “As my urgent calls to Dr Who remain unanswered, I would very much like to meet this gifted woman. There is no doubt in my fevered mind that, equipped with a tinfoil hat of my own design to filter out unwanted psychic noise, she would be able to use her extraordinary powers to locate these relentless cybernetic monsters by focusing on whatever human remnants are encased within their brutal steel exoskeletons.”

Back in Texas, however, a rueful Marshal Sam McCloud warned that, with the benefit of hindsight, simply swallowing the fantastic assertions of a random nutter simply because she could accurately describe a house may not be quite the powerful new weapon in the law enforcement arsenal that the sherriff of Liberty County thought it was.

“Turns out a house is a pretty gosh-darned big item, y’know, an’ kin be seen bah th’naked eye from some ways away,” he admitted ruefully. “When ah asked mah deputies t’describe they neighbours’ houses, each o’them done give a mighty fine description. Either they all psychic too, or danged if it ain’t no big mystic thing at all.”

“Excuse me a while, folks,” he added. “Ah jes’ need to ask mah horse ta picture in his mind’s eye whut this hoaxer lady looks like, then he goin’ lead us straight to her.”

Obsolete Aircraft Carrier Will Make China A Superpower At Last, And Might Even Work

This could threaten Japan, albeit quite briefly
A top Chinese military official has announced plans to complete a Russian aircraft carrier left uncompleted after the collapse of the Soviet system 18 years ago, saying that it could be launched before the month is out and, if it floats, will at last propel China into the élite international league of big boys who throw their weight around.

"All of the great nations in the world own aircraft carriers – even Britain, if you count tiny ones. They are symbols of a great nation," said Qi Jianguo, assistant to the chief of the general staff of the People’s Liberation Army. “When the Chinese people have an aircraft carrier at last, we can fill it with glorious J-20 fighters that definitely aren’t shoddy copies of an American F-22 that was shot down over Serbia a couple of years ago. Given 20 or 30 years and an inexhaustible supply of enthusiastic revolutionary pilots, we are confident that we will also discover how to land them back on again on a short, pitching deck.”

Defence experts warn that, once the rust is scraped off, the half-finished antique will be completed to the usual exemplary Chinese quality-control standards – meaning that the fragile balance of global power will be dramatically shifted eastwards for just over a year, until it rolls over and sinks.

Monday, 6 June 2011

That TUC Report On The Rich-Poor Divide In Full

The Livelihood Crisis - by Richard A. Whiting, Gus Kahn & Ray Egan

Bill collectors gather round and rather haunt the cottage next door - men the grocer and butcher sent, men who call for the rent. But within, a happy chappy and his bride of only a year seem to be so cheerful. Here's an earful of the chatter you hear: “Ev'ry morning, ev'ry evening - ain't we got fun! Not much money, oh, but honey, ain't we got fun! The rent's unpaid, dear, we haven't a bus - but smiles were made, dear, for people like us. In the winter, in the summer - don't we have fun! Times are bum and getting bummer - still we have fun! There's nothing surer - the rich get rich and the poor get children! In the meantime, in between time - ain't we got fun!”

Let them eat Strictly Come Dancing
Just to make their trouble nearly double, something happened last night. To their chimney a gray bird came - Mr Stork is his name - and I'll bet two pins, a pair of twins just happened in with the bird. Still they're very gay and merry - just at dawning I heard: “Ev'ry morning, ev'ry evening, don't we have fun? Twins and cares, dear, come in pairs, dear. Don't we have fun! We've only started as momma and pop. Are we downhearted? I'll say that we're not! Landlord’s mad and getting madder - ain't we got fun? Times are so bad and getting badder – still, we have fun. There's nothing surer - the rich get rich and the poor get laid off. In the meantime, in between time - ain't we got fun?”

When the man who sold them carpets told them he would take them away, they said, “Wonderful, here's our chance! Take them up and we'll dance!”

And when burglars came and robbed them, taking all their silver, they say hubby yelled, "We're famous, for they'll name us in the papers today! Night or daytime - it's all playtime! Ain't we got fun! Hot or cold days, any old days - ain't we got fun! If wifey wishes to go to a play, don't wash the dishes - just throw them away!”

“Streetcar seats are awful narrow - ain't we got fun! They won't smash up our Pierce-Arrow - we ain't got none! They've cut my wages, but my income tax will be so much smaller! When I'm laid off, I'll be paid off - ain't we got fun!”

LibDems Find And Destroy Last Remaining Shred Of Credibility

Deputy PM Nick Clegg wept for joy today, as business secretary Vince Cable – the only remaining Liberal Democrat in the disgraced party thought to retain any trace of liberalism – warned the unions that the strongest anti-union laws in Europe would have to tightened up if they actually tried to exercise their few remaining rights to strike.

No more Mr Nice Guy
The avuncular economist told jeering delegates at the GMB union’s conference that it was all right if, say, a small-scale walkout or two took place in a minor provincial town or two – but if any strike action should affect one of Rupert Murdoch’s journalists in even the most minor way, as an elected representative of the people he would be left with no alternative but to do whatever the Sun says.

“The pressure on us to act would ratchet up,” he warned, as trade unionists booed and hissed. "That is something which both you, and certainly I, would want to avoid, as I rather like my ministerial salary and the car and stuff.”

“Believe it or not, neither we nor the Tories are that keen to make all forms of industrial action illegal, because that would mean outlawing a basic human right that no Western leader since Hitler has dared to abolish,” he added, as the stage filled up with cabbages. “Nevertheless, I want you to realise that Mr Rupert Murdoch is very taken by the idea. Sorry, brother. I just do what I’m told, and so will you.”

Sunday, 5 June 2011

Europe Needs To Be Reminded Of Its Murderous Roots, Pope Tells Croatia

Welcome to the past that Europe needs reminding of, apparently
On his first visit to his old Führer’s allies, the Croats, Pope Benedict XVI gave his full support to his hosts’ bid to join the EU, saying that Europe needs to be reminded of the blood-soaked bigotry of its past.

Although some have criticised the £6m Papal trip down memory lane, the Vatican is keen to build on its long relationship with Croatia. In fact, a spokesman explained, the Pope will today be visiting the tomb of wartime Cardinal Alojzije Stepinac - whom his predecessor, John Paul II, beatified for advising the fascist Ustate puppet regime to just concentrate on slaughtering Serbs and leave the Jews alone, since they were all damned to Hell anyway for murdering Jesus.

Meanwhile, as he celebrated mass, the Pope told some of Croatia’s most devout mass murderers (in a loose translation from the Latin): “Those secular bastards in the Hague have only gone and convicted your much-loved and splendidly well-concealed Gen Ante Gotovina of war crimes in his absence. What is the world coming to, when you can’t even purify your own bloody soil without humanists trying to force their evil godless values on you?”

Finally, the Pope urged Croatians to pray for the glorious day when Europe would be united into one state, with one flock under one spiritual leader.