Saturday, 8 August 2009

Unrepentant Biggs Unleashes Second Rail Crime Spree

Railways in Britain are in chaos today, as freed train robber Ronnie Biggs celebrates his 80th birthday - and release from prison on compassionate grounds - by holding up trains all over Network South East.

Aided by a freshly-recruited cohort of evil doctors and nurses, Biggs has been parking his hospital bed on tracks in isolated areas, forcing oncoming trains to screech to an emergency halt. The stroke-crippled criminal then issues orders to his henchmen by slowly pointing to letters on a board, whereupon they swarm all over the halted train, beat the coachwork out of shape with iron bars and make their getaway in an unmarked ambulance.

"It's not even as if they're stealing anything this time," said a shocked British Transport Police inspector. "Biggs just seems to be holding up trains for the sheer fun of it. We knew he was a very sick man, but not this sick."

Horrified pensioner Tony Hastings, who spent eight years campaigning for a pardon for the Great Train Robber, has vowed to track down the evil villain and hand him over to the forces of law and order. He was the first to raise the alarm, when he turned up at the Norfolk and Norwich University Hospital with a bunch of grapes, only to be presented with an empty room on an unstaffed ward and an illegible note written by one of Bigg's doctor minions, which trained pharmacists are still struggling to decipher.

"I've been such a fool," said the red-faced do-gooder. "Biggs had me fooled completely. I thought he was a sick old man who just wanted to die at home with dignity. But the unpalatable truth is that he's a sick old man who intends to hold up a train for every single day of his captivity."

Friday, 7 August 2009

Did Self-Deluding Chavettes Abduct Maddy?

Police have arrested hundreds of thousands of female chavs, after the Madeleine McCann hotline was swamped by calls about women who looked slightly like Posh Spice, but a bit fatter.

Private investigators working for Maddy's family yesterday released an e-fit image of a woman who might bear a fleeting resemblance to Victoria Beckham if you were desperate for a quickie out by the wheely bins after ten pints in a crappy nightclub. From early this morning, the helpline was besieged by thick-headed men worried that they may just have woken up with a snoring, psychopathic child-abductor.

All police leave was immediately cancelled, and every single officer in the country was soon taking part in an unprecedented volume of doorstep raids all over the country.

"Now I'm soberin' up like, I'm like finkin' wot a narrow 'scape I must of had, jenotameen?" said a sunken-eyed Cody-Lee Scowser, as he ruefully surveyed the splintered remains of his front door. "I woke up bustin' for a piss, yeah, turned on the telly and saw this photo wot sorta looked like wot were lyin' nex to me, innit, only not so porky jenotameen?"

"Then right, when they said she might of bin Australian, I wuz like 'ang on, this munter torked like everyfin' wuz a question, right?" he continued. "So I'm like, 'omifuckengod I bin shaggin' a peedo innit', an' I grabs me moby an' ring the numba while I wuz like avin' a slash, jenotameen? Nex fing y'know, the coppas wuz like bashin' the door dan, innit?"

"Now me cock's itchin' sumfin chronic?" he added. "Joo reckon I mite of cort swine flu off of 'er? Woteva."

Cody-Lee's story was echoed across the high-rises and sink estates of Britain today, with fields commandeered as emergency holding pens filled with grim-faced orange trolls of all sizes, shapes and levels of self-delusion.

"It may take some time to sift through almost a million suspects," admitted DCI Savage, the officer in charge of Operation Posh. "But we'll find this child-abducting lowlife eventually. Unless, of course, she was on the rag last night and stayed in. But she'll be spotted eventually."

Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, the real Posh is reported to have been dragged from the Becks' luxury mansion and torn limb from limb by an enraged vigilante mob of holidaying Brits.

Bank of England Pumps Monopoly Money Into Economy

Hopes that the recession might be over were cruelly dashed today when the Bank of England declared that Monopoly money can now be used as legal tender, in the latest round of quantitative easing.

The bank's Monetary Policy Committee said that, as of today, Monopoly money can be used as real currency, as long as the tenderer has written on the back: 'I promise to pay the bearer the sum of whatever it says on the other side of this bit of paper, signed Mervyn King, Governor of the Bank of England'.

To prevent hyperinflation, the government has instructed retailers to put the price of the popular boardgame up to £20,000.

"However, as an introductory offer to stimulate the economy, until Monday the game will be available at the special price of £15,000," said Stephen Timms, financial secretary to the Treasury. "That's a saving of £140 on the amount of cash you're actually getting."

"And remember, you also get a load of houses and hotels thrown in for free," he added. "If that doesn't get the property market moving again, I don't know what will."

However, as personal insolvency reaches record levels across the UK, hard-pressed consumers said the move would only benefit those rich enough to afford their own marker pens.

Wednesday, 5 August 2009

Clinton Searching World For More Babes To Free

Former US President Bill Clinton is said to be eagerly combing the world's jails for some more good-looking women to set free, as reporters Laura Ling and Euna Lee were reunited with their rejoicing families in Los Angeles after his intervention secured their release from imprisonment in North Korea.

British serial killer Rose West is already reported to be taking more of an interest in her appearance - although she is thought to come some way down the list from Burma's leading prisoner-of-conscience, Aung San Suu Kyi, whom the former president movingly described as "one hot MILF."

"From President Clinton's viewpoint, Mrs West's problem is that she is - not to put too fine a point on it - a fugly, murdering troll," said his press spokesman, Robert Gibbs.

Reports that the ex-president might soon be paying a compassionate visit to Guantanamo Bay were rapidly quashed by Mr Gibbs - although he refused to be drawn on suggestions that President Obama's Secretary of State, Hilary Clinton, might take a leaf out of her husband's book.

Farting Planet Baffles French

Mars is farting methane at a truly frightening rate, according to puzzled French researchers from the Université Pierre et Marie Curie in Paris.

By modelling effects first seen by Americans through infrared spectroscopy, Franck Lefevre and François Forget discovered that not only does the red planet sporadically pump plumes of up to 19,000 tonnes of the noxious gas into the thin Martian atmosphere - far more than the Earth produces - but that the awful eggy stench also lingers for a shorter time than expected. The rate of methane production also appears to be seasonal, they added.

"Eet ees possible ze 'umble sprout may, en effet, 'ave originated on Mars," said Dr Lefevre, waving his arms about like an epileptic juggler and shrugging uncontrollably. "Wizout 'aving discovered ze actual vegetable patch, 'owever, eet ees 'ard to be certain when ees ze Martian growing season. But zees ees ze only explanation up with which we 'ave come. Mars ees exhibiting all ze farty signs of ze sprout-based diet. Zut alors."

"I would not go out zere eef I were you, mon brave," he warned.

After reading their Gallic colleagues' report in the journal Nature, however, NASA scientists believe they may have an explanation for the rapid disappearance of methane from the Martian atmosphere.

"Last night, in order to accurately replicate Mars under laboratory conditions, I set my team the task of consuming several crates of Coors," said mission leader Randy von Braun. "When they reached the appropriate level of methane production, I imitated the effect of Martian volcanoes by applying my Zippo to the gas plumes erupting from the appropriate fissures. And whaddya know - the methane disappeared completely, along with my eyebrows."

"But goddamn, it was one hell of an experiment," he added. "And we've invited the world's leading exologists along to what promises to be a truly awesome conference in Vegas to demonstrate our theory."

Tuesday, 4 August 2009

iPod Now The Hand Grenade of Choice For Hip Terrorists

The iPod Touch is 2009's must-have explosive accessory, say the world's coolest terrorists, thanks to the remarkable self-combusting battery technology first pioneered by Apple on its laptops.

"We enjoyed moderate success with exploding MacBooks in 2006," said Osama Bin Laden, "But that was a mere foretaste of what is to come, now that Apple have successfully miniaturised their world-beating exploding batteries. I look forward to a musical jihad of carnage against the Great Satan."

The Japanese government has already issued a terror alert and urged people to buy non-fundamentalist Sony MP3 players instead.

One potential casualty in the latest twist in the war on terror is 11-year-old Ellie Stanborough, who had a lucky escape when her iPod Touch began hissing and emitting vapour. Her quick-witted father threw the deadly device out of the back door, where it went off with a bang that blew it ten feet into the air.

"My daughter is severely traumatised," he told reporters. "Now every time she hears The Saturdays on the radio, she wets her knickers and hides behind the sofa."

When Mr Stanborough asked Apple for a refund, he received a letter telling him he would only be reimbursed if he signed a gagging order, converted to Wahhabism and vowed to kill infidels.

In an AAC-format download from his luxury cave hideout in lawless Silicon Valley, Apple CEO Steve Jobs warned that Apple - or al-Apple, as it will now be known - had declared holy war on decadent Western fashionistas, by planting an estimated 170 million bombs around the world.

"The anarchist Emma Goldman once said, 'If I can't dance, I don't want to be part of your revolution'," he added. "Well, decadent oppressors, thanks to the iPod now you can do both."

'Don't You Know Who I Am?' Demands Horrible Self-Important Trouser-Wearing Journalist Woman

Lubna Ahmed Hussein, the journalist who insists on being tried for the crime of wearing trousers in Sudan, says today's adjournment of her trial proves that she is really very important indeed.

Ms Hussein - who resigned from her UN job because it would have granted her immunity - says she wants her trial to become a test case for women's rights in Sudan.

"Before police caught me, there are maybe 20,000 girls and women getting flogged for dress reasons," she told reporters. "Of course, they were all just little people. But now they realise they have foolishly chosen to lock horns with a highly-successful female journalist, fearless human rights campaigner and down-to-earth working mum who is at the very top of her game. They'll never give me forty lashes, now they know just who they're dealing with. They simply wouldn't dare."

The trial judge, however, said that the reason for the adjournment was that he had just ordered a shiny new leather whip, and was waiting for it to arrive in the post.

"The old one was looking rather worn out from overuse," he explained. "I'm sure Ms Hussein wouldn't settle for anything less than the very best."

Monday, 3 August 2009

Immigrants To Be Awarded Points For Knowing Their Place

A consultation document launched today by immigration minister Phil Dumbas suggests that UK citizenship could be awarded on a points basis.

"Immigrants might, for example, gain points by joining political parties or trade unions," smiled Mr Dumbas. "In fact, I'll clarify that. Immigrants will gain points for joining the Labour Party at a special 'immigrant membership' fee of £1000 and going out every night distributing party propaganda printed at their own expense. They can also score by joining a Labour-affiliated union and ticking the box marked 'I promise not to undertake industrial action, and wish to donate 95% of my wages to the Labour Party' on their application form."

"Obviously, immigrants joining any other party will lose points, as they will have demonstrated a total lack of British values," he added.

Immigrants will also lose points for taking part in other activities deemed to be unpatriotic - such as expressing an opinion about anything the Labour government does, complaining about racist abuse, uttering their native gibberish in public, refusing to give up their seat to a memsahib or failing to address a white man as 'massa'.

"Also, if any immigrants should choose to dress up in Lycra costumes and leap from rooftop to rooftop fighting rap-related crime in their lawless ghettoes, then they will score big points," said Mr Dumbas. "Naturally, should they die heroically in the course of their crime-fighting activities, they will be buried with a posthumous British passport."

Sex With Gorillas Is Bad For You, Advise French Scientists

Doctors in Paris have warned that having sex with gorillas can lead to HIV infection, after a 62-year-old woman from Cameroon was found to be infected with a strain of the virus previously unknown in humans but recently discovered in the shy, rare mountain ape.

"The woman in question claims not to have had any contact with gorillas, or eaten bush meat from gorillas," said researcher Jean-Christophe Plantier of the University of Rouen. "However, she is as black as the aces of spades, so she is obviously lying. We have locked her in a room, are and bombarding her with photographs of gorillas in a variety of erotic poses. We think it is only a matter of time before she tears off her clothes and attempts to make love with the projector screen."

Others in the scientific community have suggested that the fast-adapting HIV strain could simply have spread from chimpanzee hosts to gorillas and humans quite separately - but the Parisian research team poured scorn on such ideas.

"However, there is one other possibility," admitted Dr Plantier. "It may be that this savage is not a human being at all, but a strategically-shaved female gorilla. There is, after all, a great deal of similarity between the angry grunts of the king of the apes and the wild jabbering of an excitable Frenchman."

Sunday, 2 August 2009

'Bah' Says Archbishop

The head of the Roman Catholic Church in England and Wales, Archbishop Vincent Nichols has accused social networking sites such as Facebook of killing young people, claiming that teenagers - misled into accumulating "transient relationships" where quantity is more important than quality - can be forced to commit suicide when all their Facebook friends remove them because they failed to put an emoticon after the ironic comment they made about the BNP.

In an interview in the Sunday Times, the Archbishop of Westminster also took the opportunity to disapprove of every single aspect of life in the 21st century.

The Archbishop's views in full:

Clarification of assisted suicide laws: "Particularly worrying"
Footballers who transfer for higher salaries: "Mercenaries"
Mobile phones: "Dehumanising"
Facebook: "An invitation to your own funeral"
The internet: "Satan's sticky web of deceit"
MP3 players: "Like having the Gadarene swine running about in your head"
Freeview+: "Recording without tape is witchcraft"
Pop-up toasters: "The fiery pit of damnation in your own kitchen"
Sexual abuse by priests: "Courageous in facing up to their crimes, and we shouldn't overlook all the good they also did"

An increasingly purple-faced Archbishop Nichols also said that he found the rise of individualism in modern society to be particularly worrying.

"Individuality is a wicked myth propagated by the Prince of Darkness, which leads inexorably down the slippery slope to Protestants, Methodism and touching other men's bottoms," shuddered the 63-year-old primate, shaking his crozier in righteous indignation. "God created man for one purpose only - to cram themselves into churches and chant meaningless slogans in unison, preferably in a dead language they don't understand, while an elderly virgin tells them what to think about everything."

Some damned atheists have suggested that if the Archbishop wants to call people mercenaries, he might cast a critical eye at the swarms of 'private security consultants' operating above the law in Afghanistan and Iraq, instead of a fairly harmless bunch of overpaid dullards who occasionally kick a ball around a field in between visits to nightclubs.

'Bloody Men, What Can You Do With Them?' Demands Harman

One of the top two posts in the Labour Party should always be held by a woman, deputy leader Harriet Harman told her book group this morning over an agreeable bottle of chianti.

"Men cannot be left to run things on their own," she slurred, spilling wine on her half-read copy of Pride and Prejudice, while her fellow literature-lovers nodded vigorously in agreement. "Let's face it, they're all useless, the whole bloody lot of them. They prod you in the back with their thing when you're trying to get to sleep after you've slogged your guts out all day long raising a family, they can't move without farting and they actually think it's funny, and they can't even put up shelves without expert supervision by a woman. They're all complete and utter bastards. Hic."

"Of course, they're not totally useless, and every car should be equipped with one in case it breaks down," she added. "Then when it's all covered in oil after topping up the sparkplugs, or whatever it is they do, you can drive off and get a clean new one from Halfords."

"I'm not saying that men should be totally excluded from politics," insisted Ms Harman, waving her now-empty glass around. "After all, you've got to have someone to blame when things go wrong."

"Yes, dear," said a pinafore-clad Lord Mandelson, who was ironing his smile in the conservatory. "Do you mind if I take the car for a little spin this afternoon? I just want to find myself a nice safe seat, so I can take over when that Scottish git at work gets kicked out."

"Well, if you must," slurred Ms Harman crossly, "But for God's sake, do make sure it matches the curtains."