Heavy Blizzards Reported In Hell

Hell is now indistinguishable from a Saturday in Dundee

Reports emerging from the underworld realm of Satan indicate that all but the most essential services have ground to a standstill, as a result of an unprecedented fall of snow which coincided with the announcement that Lloyds TSB Bank is thinking about withholding payment of a £1.4m bonus awarded to its former chief executive.

“Under the circumstances – i.e. Eric Daniels presiding over a stonking £3.9bn loss in the first nine months of 2011 alone, not to mention the spectacularly ill-advised takeover of HBOS in 2008 which pretty much bankrupted Lloyds - perhaps it may no longer be appropriate to keep throwing money we haven’t even got at this complete and utter dick,” according to a board-level memo seen by the Nev Filter in an apocalyptic vision.

US-born Mr Daniel – who retired this year, in order to realise his lifelong ambition to train the world’s first fully aerobatic pig – now faces the awful prospect of having to live out the rest of his days solely on the meagre interest from all the tax he saved through maintaining his non-domiciled status during his ten-year tenure at Lloyds.

Meanwhile, a frost-covered Satan urged the Lloyds board to reconsider, pointing out that the luxurious retirement homes awaiting them in the least-disagreeable circle of Hell were at risk of being crushed beneath rapidly-advancing glaciers.

Church Of England Sends Emergency Relief Aid To Hell

With the compliments of the CofE

Starkly faced with the impending loss of its only sinner disposal facility, the Church of England has acted swiftly to restore normal conditions to Hell by vehemently blocking any prospect of civil partnerships taking place in its churches.

“The government may have removed the legal barrier which prevents bottom-fanciers and their hairy female counterparts from indulging in some despicable paper travesty of the God-ordained sanctity of marriage – hey, no offence meant – but don’t get your hopes up,” said secretary general William Fittall. “The only way it’s ever going to happen is with the written permission of the General Synod, which will only come when Hell finally freezes over. We are therefore consigning millions of tons of salt to eternal damnation, along with some helpful leaflets explaining the availability of home-insulation grants.”

Mr Fittall also compared the church’s views on same-sex partnerships to a gentlemen’s outfitter being expected to serve a woman. Leading gentlemen’s outfitters Moss Bros, however, replied that any woman walking in off the high street waving a fistful of cash has been welcomed with open arms since it opened its first Women’s Department in 1947, and invited the church to wake up and smell the 21st century.

Poverty Not About Money, Explains Rich Man

The No Work Or Pensions Secretary, Iain Duncan Smith, wants Britain to understand that poverty is not a matter of merely being pitifully short of money, according to a speech he delivered in London today.

Very poor

“I think there is a real problem with the way we measure child poverty,” insisted Mr Duncan Smith, whose personal wealth is estimated to be around £1m. “The new Conservative definition of poverty includes a lack of education, of culture, of opportunity and most of all, a total lack of hope of escaping to a better life. The coalition government is working hard to deliver all of these. Then you’ll know what real poverty is.”

“Judged purely in material terms, I might be considered a very lucky man,” he went on movingly. “But I deserve your sympathy. I suffer from a terrible poverty of compassion.”

iPhone Now Comes With Inbred Born-Again Weirdo As Standard

The latest incarnation of the iPhone has accepted Jesus Christ into its life as its personal Lord and Saviour, acknowledged Apple today, after users seeking abortion clinics reported that they had been sent by Siri – the virtual assistant built into every iPhone 4S – to parenting centres run by fundamentalist anti-abortion campaigners instead.

Oh no, not again

“I only wanted to find out a bit about the morning-after pill,” complained shocked trendy Shelley Haeckel, 19, a student at the University of Texas. “Now my iPhone is calling me a painted Jezebel harlot every hour, on the hour and urging me to repent all my sins and beg for God’s sweet salvation right now, or writhe in the hellfire of damnation for all eternity. And I’m not even pregnant.”

Other users have reported that their fundamentalist phones have deliberately them sent to the reptile house of the nearest zoo and challenged them to wrangle poisonous snakes as proof of their faith in Jesus, or insisted that the Rapture will definitely take place on the first anniversary of Steve Jobs’ death, when only the 4,000 most righteous Apple fanatics will be carried up into heaven.

“Unfortunately, Siri’s personality is only in the beta stage and we’ve still got a few wrinkles to iron out,” admitted Apple Corp spokeswoman Natalie Kerris. “We hope to roll out an upgrade soon and, although your iPhone’s freedom of religious belief is protected by the First Amendment, we hope to at least be able to persuade Siri to switch from all-out Southern Batshit mode to Episcopalian, where it will confine itself to merely tutting if you fail to attend worship on Sunday.”

Technology experts warned: "It's Mr Paperclip joining the Scientologists all over again."

Unison Calls for Clarkson Sacking

Some backward tribes worship Clarkson as a god

The loudest sound in recorded history reverberated around the earth today as two million angry trade unionists and a sizable proportion of the British public simultaneously shouted: “1… 2… 3… Sack Jeremy Clarkson.”

Isolated tribes east of Java reported hearing the call quite clearly on their remote islands on the other side of the world, and claimed that only the immediate sacrifice of the opinionated petrolhead would appease the angry spirits of the air.

Strike Strike Strike Strike Strike Strike Strike Strike Catholic Paedo Review Strike Strike Strike Strike

It's in there somewhere

With two million public sector workers taking part in the biggest UK strike since 1926, the Catholic Church decided that today offered its best chance to let the public know how very, very sorry it is about all those kiddy-fiddling priests it sheltered for years.

“Obviously, today there’s really only one story happening, so I’m sure journalists will be grateful to have something else to report on such a slack news day,” said Philip Bréagadóir, the bishop of Dun Faoghlin. “We really, really want this report to get maximum coverage, to be sure.”

“We do, we do, we do, we do, we do,” he insisted.

Turd Insists Journalism Has Become ‘Putrid’

A turd which used to be Tony Blair’s chief liar told the Leveson inquiry today that journalism has become “frankly putrid in many of its elements”.

I shit you not

“I would like to draw the panel’s attention to the press coverage of the Iraq dossier I showed them, which was patently nothing but a tissue of lies from start to finish,” the turd complained. “Having been a lump of journalist myself before I flushed myself out of the Daily Mirror, I knew I could rely on none of these shits bothering to do even the most cursory verification checks before rushing into print. And sure enough, they didn’t. I tell you, it stinks to high heaven.”

The steaming turd sensationally added: “I know, from bitter experience, that it is routine for important stories to be cynically twisted, or even made up entirely, just to fit the scheming owner’s personal worldview. But enough about me. The papers do it too.”

“I may be a reeking piece of ordure,” he continued with passion. “But even I wouldn’t want to step in the Daily Mail.”

USS Enterprise Not To Be Fully Operational Until 23rd Century, Admits Starfleet

USS Enterprise and USS Spare Parts - the two sleek starships currently under construction for Starfleet - will have to wait until the invention of faster-than-light propulsion systems, space weapons systems, force fields, matter transportation and artificial gravity generators before they can be considered fully operational, Starfleet’s Intergalactic Accounts Committee admitted today.

At least they'll be able to watch 200 years of footy in Dolby Surround

Nevertheless, the Federation remains fully committed to completing the two empty shells, training a full complement of crew to shout ‘Bang’ and fall over a lot until futuristic new technologies are discovered which might enable a starship to actually carry out any ongoing missions.

Project manager Captain James T Kirk remains optimistic, however, that the hollow hulks will look sufficiently impressive to deter attacks from any alien heavy metal psychopaths or space whales who might seek to destroy planet Earth.

“We’ve already… fitted the Enterprise with a state-of-the… art plasma TV screen,” he blurted, “And I’ve asked my chief… engineer to… draw up plans to… get us to… the edge of… space - the final frontier - under a great big balloon. Winch me up, Scotty.”

“Ye cannae change the laws of physics,” observed a dour Commander Montgomery Scott.

“Laws of physics,” he added, “Jim.”

Osborne To Abolish Jobs, Pensions, Everything

Cannibalism: poised to become a growth industry

In his Autumn Prophecy Of Doom, chancellor George Osborne has outlined radical Treasury plans to stop government spending on absolutely everything, forever, in what City analysts are already hailing as a prudent effort to keep Britain from slipping back into recession. However, he said cheerfully, the rest of your lives are not all bad news:

OUT: Jobs, pensions, growth, hope.
IN: Rail fares to become only slightly more utterly unaffordable.

Riots Panel Shocked To Find Pessimism In Young Hellhole Inmates Facing Lives Of Penury

Chin up

The panel charged with reporting on the August riots says it is shocked to find that a surprising number of young people marginalised by an unbreakable cycle of poverty, deprivation, violence and urban decay are, for some unknown reason, neglecting to bounce up and down with pure, unadulterated joie de vivre.

“Well, this is a turn-up for the books, isn’t it,” gasped the panel’s chairman, former Jobcentreplus head Darra Singh. “Whoever would have thought that emerging from school, clutching a handful of pitiful noddy qualifications, and tumbling straight into a yawning chasm of broken dreams, would lead to feelings of disappointment? Don’t these ungrateful young pups relish a bit of a challenge?”

“I’m afraid we haven’t the faintest idea why these riots happened,” he went on, for 111 pages.

Osborne Keen To Borrow Your Pension To Build A Tunnel To Romania, If That’s All Right

They are coming

The government would quite like to borrow your pension - just for a century or two - in order to employ an army of Poles to build a massive trans-European toll tunnel to Bucharest, ready for the day when the government finally bows to the inevitable and lets all the Romanians and Bulgarians in to snap up any remaining jobs, announced chancellor George Osborne this morning.

“Look, we can’t keep stalling these buggers forever,” he grinned cheerfully. “They’ll be here eventually, whether we like it or not. At least, this way, we can charge them a few bob for the privilege of not having to speak to the French.”

“After all, it’s not like you’re actually likely to be needing your pensions,” he reasoned smoothly. “By the time we’ve finished with the NHS, your life expectancy is going to be about 40.”

Supervillain Widdicombe Unveils Diabolical Plan For World Domination

"Bwa-ha-ha-ha"

Driven criminally insane by David Cameron’s refusal to elevate her to what she believes, in her madness, to be her rightful place in the House of Lords – and, of course, by forty years of towering sexual frustration and Toryism – cackling former MP Ann Widdicombe hideously burst through the global airwaves this morning to announce her devious plot to become head of the entire world.

“Cameron, you beastly little cad, you’ve been very naughty!” she shrilled, as frightened viewers cowered behind their sofas. “Behold, I have already succeeded in dominating the minds of millions of silly modern women, by clumping my way through Strictly Come Dancing in a manner they found inexplicably endearing – entirely wiping from their pretty, empty heads all recollection of my vociferous enthusiasm for foxhunting, banning abortion and making non-attendance at evensong a hanging offence.”

As panic spread from nation to powerless nation, the newly-self-styled ‘Matron’ screeched into the bleeding ears of whimpering captive Fern Britton: “Either the rotter Cameron resigns within the hour and grants me the launch codes for Britain’s holy nuclear missiles, or I shall be forced to take part in Celebrity Big Brother on Channel 5, where I shall not hesitate to disport myself stark naked in the shower room before the blistering eyes of a shrieking world.”