Mr Goodwin Told

Mr Fred Goodwin, the scheming tyrant who singlehandedly destroyed civilisation, has been reduced to a hollow shell sitting in a luxury mansion contemplating the futility of his continued life of meaningless wealth after being stripped of his knighthood by the Queen.

Titles should be deserved, or they become meaningless

“Honorific titles should be earned by the strenuous efforts of people whose exceptional feats benefit all of mankind, not some pompous, arrogant twerp whose only talent is for wasting prodigious amounts of other people’s money,” admonished Her Majesty, who earned her title by the exceptional feat of being born. “And my son, the Duke of York, and his estranged wife, the Duchess, both feel rather strongly about this, too.”

Meanwhile, calls are mounting for Sir Rupert Sterling, a senior director at Megabank, to be stripped of his knighthood on the grounds that he is an occasional character in a cartoon strip.

“What sort of topsy-turvy world do we live in when a drawing in a bloody newspaper gets showered with honours, while the jumped-up little nobody who sells me the Telegraph every morning doesn’t even have to common decency to address me as ‘sir’?” seethed plain Mr Rob Blind, whose selfless efforts to sell futures are the only thing keeping Western Europe from mass starvation. “Because I’m certainly not his bloody ‘mate’, I can tell you.”

Supervillain Widdicombe Unveils Diabolical Plan For World Domination

"Bwa-ha-ha-ha"

Driven criminally insane by David Cameron’s refusal to elevate her to what she believes, in her madness, to be her rightful place in the House of Lords – and, of course, by forty years of towering sexual frustration and Toryism – cackling former MP Ann Widdicombe hideously burst through the global airwaves this morning to announce her devious plot to become head of the entire world.

“Cameron, you beastly little cad, you’ve been very naughty!” she shrilled, as frightened viewers cowered behind their sofas. “Behold, I have already succeeded in dominating the minds of millions of silly modern women, by clumping my way through Strictly Come Dancing in a manner they found inexplicably endearing – entirely wiping from their pretty, empty heads all recollection of my vociferous enthusiasm for foxhunting, banning abortion and making non-attendance at evensong a hanging offence.”

As panic spread from nation to powerless nation, the newly-self-styled ‘Matron’ screeched into the bleeding ears of whimpering captive Fern Britton: “Either the rotter Cameron resigns within the hour and grants me the launch codes for Britain’s holy nuclear missiles, or I shall be forced to take part in Celebrity Big Brother on Channel 5, where I shall not hesitate to disport myself stark naked in the shower room before the blistering eyes of a shrieking world.”

Government Finally Abolishes The Word ‘Honour’

Enough said

With the award of a knighthood for Brian Souter, the rapacious and homophobic head of Stagecoach, for working harder than anyone else to give Britain a transportation system worthy of the third world, dictionary compilers have accepted that the word ‘honour’ – as in ‘Queen’s Birthday Honours’ - has now officially lost all meaning and will be deleted from future editions.

“Brian Souter is the perfect capitalist bastard,” said a spokesman for the Oxford Dictionary. “He spent £500,000 on his own dodgy ‘referendum’, publishing a stream of misinformation and lies in an effort to stop councils from saying that homosexuality was acceptable whilst strenuously denying that he was in any way homophobic. In the same vein, although he cut his drivers’ wages and broke a strike with scab labour, this didn’t seem to strike him as incompatible in any way with his proclaimed support of trade unionism.”

“But then, this is a man who says, ‘ethics are not irrelevant but some are incompatible with what we have to do, because capitalism is based on greed’, yet firmly believes he’s earned his place in his Calvinist heaven,” he added. “No doubt David Cameron thinks these are admirable values which deserve recognition, in much the same way that he seems to think that we’re all too stupid to notice all the gongs he’s thrown at his thieving City mates, because we’re so happy that dear old Brucie finally got a K for not letting senility get in the way of his earnings. But please, let’s not call this circus of shame ‘honours’ any more. Language has to retain some shred of meaning.”

Government Tells Joke

As the national mood turned from gloom to childlike delight with the opening of the Millionaire’s Kickabout Show, the government made a commendable effort to join in with the silliness by awarding a CBE to Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Hilariously, the rib-tickling citation suggested that the famous Welsh cleavage has performed some sort of service to the film industry - presumably by marrying doddering Hollywood pensioner Michael Douglas, which could also explain the ‘services to charity’ bit tacked on the end.

The comedy keeps going for page after page, with MBEs for professional northerners Rita and Emily out of Coronation Street; an OBE for John Nettles, for his chameleon-like versatility in creating not one, but two mildly quirky detective roles in a career spanning decades; an MBE in recognition of the unique insights which David Coulthard shares with TV audiences after years spent watching F1 drivers win races as he pootled round after them in a 200mph bathtub; an OBE for acclaimed literary giant James Herbert, the genius behind seminal texts on rats and fog; an MBE for one of the cleavages from ‘Allo ‘Allo; an OBE to the silly bugger who let in the Yank goal that knocked England out of the World Cup in 1950; and, last but not least, an OBE goes to TV’s pretty Professor Brian Cox - although it is not clear whether this is for his efforts to explain brainy stuff to drooling BBC viewers or for playing keyboards with D:ream.

And the laughs aren’t confined to the celebrity world, either! Mrs Freda Challoner, director of HM Revenue and Customs’ Large Business Service, receives a well-deserved CBE for allowing corporates like Tesco to pay however much tax they feel like donating, while Serco’s CEO Christopher Hyman gets one for taking unglamorous services like immigration removal centres and offender tagging, the management of various hospitals and schools, the running of Britain’s ICBM early warning system, and the Docklands Light Railway out of the public sector and turning them into profit-making enterprises for his shareholders. And HM Chief Inspector of Constabulary, Denis O’Connor, is knighted for his tactful, low-key announcements concerning the numerous failings of Britain’s police forces, ensuring that they receive only the most cursory coverage in the media.

The greatest laugh, however, accompanies Ms Susan Owen, director of the Department for Work and Pensions’ welfare and wellbeing group, who becomes a Companion of the Order of the Bath for ensuring that the wellbeing of those on welfare is afforded as much respect as it receives from the leader-writers of the tabloid press.

Everyone But Us Honoured

You and I are the only people not to be honoured by Gordon Brown - in a desperate attempt to buy himself some friends - in the Queen's Birthday Honours List, published yesterday.

You missed out on a meaningless medal because I didn't nominate you, and I missed out because apparently it's considered "bad form" to nominate oneself.

And you sure as hell didn't nominate me.

"I am, naturally, moved to tears by the knighting of Christopher Lee's pointy teeth," I told myself in an exclusive interview with the Nev Filter. "And I'm sure Delia Smith richly deserves her CBE for telling us all how to boil an egg. But I can't help thinking that, although it is the satirists who alone keep this country from erupting into mass civil strife by providing a much-needed safety valve to diffuse the towering resentment of the disenfranchised masses, yet again I have been completely overlooked by the humourless establishment drones who really run this fatuous charade."

"I blame my readers," I continued bitterly. "If just one of the literally 141 people who claim to read my blog occasionally had written to the Prime Minister singing my praises, I'd almost certainly be on the train to Buckingham Palace right now, wearing my best trilby, ready to give the Queen the benefit of my well-informed opinions. Well it's their loss, not mine. If they think I'm going to remember them next time round, they can forget it, the ungrateful bastards."

"Go on, what about an MBE?" I added hopefully. "There must be a spare one lying about somewhere."

New Year's Honours List In Full

Everyone you like from the telly has been knighted, as have a load of faceless suits you've never heard of. And some bloke down the road got an MBE.

Brown Honours Ordinary Celebrities

Gordon Brown has underlined the difference in style between himself and Tony Blair, with the publication of the Queen’s Birthday Honours List.

“People were highly critical of my predecessor’s habit of rewarding celebrities for just doing their highly-paid jobs,” said the PM. “But I made a promise to the British people to end the glitzy but empty parade of celebrity photo-ops. That is why I have only rewarded ordinary citizens who have genuinely worked behind the scenes to make Britain a better place.

“Des O’Connor gets a well-deserved CBE for proving that senility need not barrier to employment, while Russell T Davies’ OBE is for bringing Doctor Who back to defend us from the aliens and Dot Cotton’s MBE recognises her contribution to the smoking debate. Paul O’Grady receives an MBE for being the thinking man’s crumpet for 40 years, while Joan Bakewell becomes a pantomime dame for tirelessly promoting the image of cross-dressing Scousers. Is that right?”

“I’ve also given a few gongs to the usual shady characters in the civil service, the city and the defence industry,” added Mr Brown confidentially, “But don’t say anything about that, will you? It’s my little secret.”