Britain To Reinforce Falklands Garrison With Diane Abbott

They can shoot it down, but it just keeps going

As Argentina angrily rebuffs David Cameron’s accusations of colonialism, the prime minister today announced that a fearsome task force consisting of Labour MP Diane Abbott had been put aboard a rowing boat in Portsmouth and, even as he spoke, was being pushed down the slipway in the general direction of the Falkland Islands.

“Let no one be in any doubt about our commitment to the Falklands,” he warned, as a cheering member of the Abbott family lined the dockside to wave off the Hero of Hackney North. “I guarantee that these islands will remain British to the core, until the day the oil under the South Atlantic goes barmy and asks for a Mickey Mouse banana-republic passport.”

Admiring armchair warriors say Ms Abbott is trained to spring into action without thinking and, on arrival in Stanley Harbour, will instantly tweet a deadly-inaccurate barrage of flaming flak against any real or imagined dago sabre-rattling.

“Keeping this white colony in what’s left of the British Empire is a key part of Britain’s strategy to divide colonialist Argentina and rule the waves,” declared Ms Abbott patriotically, bailing furiously as the tide swept her majestically past the Solent Marina.

MI6 In Race To Develop Spying Dog Turd

MI6 has been ordered to step on it

As a shame-faced Britain finally owns up to spying on Russia with a fake rock, the nation’s spooks are in a race against time to develop and deploy a top-secret dog turd which can scan and record all radio frequencies within a three-mile radius.

“Now do pay attention, 007,” snapped top MI6 boffin Q. “This may look like an ordinary shit on an ordinary pavement, but let me assure you the pavement is entirely false. This poodle has been fed for weeks on an exclusive diet of quad-band smartphones, in an attempt to incorporate cutting-edge radio reception technology into its DNA. We can then deploy it without fear of detection on the streets of Moscow, dropping listening devices outside key installations such as Mr Putin’s bathroom window.”

When it was pointed out that the dog had in fact expired, an irritated Q explained that the fiendishly cunning gadget was nevertheless ready for field trials.

“Once the dog has been mounted on wheels, Commander, you must tow it along, pausing briefly to give it a quick squeeze as you arrive at your designated waypoints,” he explained.

Sceptics, however, claim that he-man Vladimir Putin will prove unable to resist the temptation to wrestle the dog in front of Russian TV cameras, leading to unfortunate consequences which might compromise the mission.

Nev Filter Annoys World By Staying Online

As the small, insignificant part of the world which is not the United States somehow manages to bump along for a day without the sum total of human knowledge which is Wikipedia, the Nev Filter proudly announced that it would be joining the heroic struggle to piss off internet users by continuing to shovel the usual rubbish into the worldwide web.

“SOPA – I have no sodding idea what that stands for, because I can’t wiki it – is undoubtedly the greatest threat to freedom the world has ever seen,” railed the horrified editor of the world’s most popular Plymouth-based satire site. “If you don’t contact a random US senator immediately to uphold Americans’ god-given right to steal anything they like off the internet, tomorrow your face will be nailed shut by some malevolent bastard from Sony Entertainment with a hammer. Have I got that right? It’s bloody impossible to check anything.”

While many essential toys – including Wikipedia, Reddit and the unmissable ‘Bobbi-Lee’s Kra-Z Life Of A Minnesota Mom (And Family!)’ blog – have been thrown out of the internet’s pram for 24 hours by their liberty-loving boards of directors, the Nev Filter has decided instead that the best way it can help to force the world’s attention onto this purely domestic US matter whether it cares or not is to adopt Facebook’s policy of continuing to irritate the crap out its long-suffering user base.

Unions Urge Labour Party To Cut Disability Costs

Union leaders are continuing to demand action from the Labour Party on the thorny issue of disability cuts, after chronic disability Miliband 2 pointedly refused to discuss his crippling leadership.

Look - he's perfectly capable of doing Mr Cameron's job

“This pitiful waster is costing the Labour movement millions of votes it simply can’t afford to go without,” wailed Len McCluskey, general secretary of Unite, as the stumbling leader of the opposition lamely chose not to make any reference to unpopular welfare reforms pushed through the House of Lords yesterday during his long self-pitying whine about his own special problems.

Meanwhile, Lord Fraud – who successfully steered the government’s controversial bill through the upper chamber last night by explaining that disabled people were a sub-species of crab and, although there was no evidence for it, it was a scientific fact - chipped in by pointing out that there were many useful jobs which Miliband 2 was perfectly capable of, such as leading the Labour Party to defeat at the next general election.

End This Crazy Disability Bonanza, Government Tells Lords

Your kids don't get handed one of these to play with

The government today urged the House of Lords to pass the bill it promises will at last halt the obscenely generous gravy train ridden by Britain’s selfish disableds.

“Them thievin’ vultures been livin’ the life of Riley for twenty years now while the rest of us starve, thanks to all them state freebies what that bleedin’ lefty John Major give ‘em,” pleaded undernourished crips minister Maria Miller, as she sat forlornly outside the entrance to the upper chamber with a dog on a string. “Please, milord mate, give us a vote - else I swear I’ll just have to stop me poor little middle-income mums’ Wine Benefit ration, the poor darlin’s.”

The government faces an uphill struggle in trying to explain to Their Rebellious Lordships that most disabilities – including Parkinson’s, muscular dystrophy, Down’s syndrome, terminal cancer and permanent vegetative state – are really no more debilitating or long-lasting than man flu, or a paper cut.

“Them bone-idle buggers are just as capable of the same low-paid, dead-end jobs as any other dolescum, if they could only be arsed to put whatever functioning body parts they might possess into it.” mumbled Ms Miller - who had to curtail her former marketing consultancy activities when she was cruelly elected to the House of Commons in 2005, and now has to cover all her many needs on a grudging state handout of £97,139 plus a meagre expenses allowance.

“I tell you, milord mate, I bleedin’ wish I was disabled,” she sobbed convincingly. “An’ I tell yer, there’s lots of others what feels the same way.”

Yahoo News: Evil Private Eye Editor Tells Leveson Nothing Is The Matter With Anything

Sick, twisted Private Eye liar-in-chief Ian Hislop – the most-sued bastard in the history of the world in space - had the bare-faced cheek to stand in front of the Leveson inquiry today and claim that nothing at all was the matter with Britain’s notoriously slack media laws, according to Adam Parris-Long of magisterial current-affairs provider, Yahoo-oo-oo!!!

Is this man Britain's most toxic little baldy bastard?

Arch-hypocrite Hislop – who, crucially, eventually owned up to having met an MP or two in the course of his 36-year reign of terror at Britain’s most odious publication – openly boasted to the shocked panel that, in his warped view, there was no need for further regulation of the press.

“Statutory regulation is not needed, we have quite a lot of it already - although it seems it’s only ever me who cops it,” whinged the sneering public-school toff, who was educated at a posh folks’ university at your expense and steals money from hard-pressed TV licence-payers' children every week on Have I Got News For You.

“I believe in a free press, I don’t believe in a regulated press, the press should keep to the law,” taunted the cackling Hislop, whose deviously-manipulated public persona carefully conceals the privileged upper-class title of 'Lord Gnome' which he inherited from scheming geriatric patrician Richard Ingrams many years ago and who, when pressed, finally came clean and admitted that restrictions on the press could curtail Private Eye’s lucrative exploitation of the insatiable public demand for gutter investigative journalism.

Britain And US ‘Not Ruling Out’ Invading Each Other

As the stakes rise inexorably in the battle of words over diverse international concerns ranging from persecution of citizens to securing oil supplies, British foreign secretary William Hague and his US counterpart Hillary Clinton are reported to be hastily drawing up contingency plans to invade and occupy each other’s sovereign nations.

“For too long, the international community has sat back complacently as the American people suffer daily at the hands of autocratic, self-serving regimes which are completely out of touch with the hopes and dreams of their own citizens,” warned Mr Hague. “Police brutality is deployed as a political weapon on the streets of major cities to stamp on any act of dissent, no matter how small, no matter how peaceful, and the prisons are full to capacity - yet the ruling elite cares only for enriching itself and its powerful supporters. We have learned to our cost that no country is safe from its threats of economic and military action. It is time for the UN to authorise the use of force, and who better to liberate the downtrodden American people than the British, whom they will surely welcome as liberating brothers?”

Hague and Clinton cordially exchanging threats

“For too long, the international community has sat back complacently as the British people suffer daily at the hands of autocratic, self-serving regimes which are completely out of touch with the hopes and dreams of their own citizens,” warned Mrs Clinton. “Police brutality is deployed as a political weapon on the streets of major cities to stamp on any act of dissent, no matter how small, no matter how peaceful, and the prisons are full to capacity - yet the ruling elite cares only for enriching itself and its powerful supporters. We have learned to our cost that no country is safe from its threats of economic and military action. It is time for the UN to authorise the use of force, and who better to liberate the downtrodden British people than the Americans, whom they will surely welcome as liberating brothers?”

The governments of Iran and Syria have lodged formal protests, however, observing that both Britain and the US also happen to be oil producers.

You Too Can Be As Wealthy As A Waitrose Shelf Stacker, Promises Clegg

'Shelf stackers of the world, unite and take over'

Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg has shared his glorious vision of a share-owning Britain, in which every man, woman and child can bask in the untold riches enjoyed by Waitrose shelf stackers and John Lewis till operators.

“We don't believe our problem is too much capitalism - we think it's that too few people have capital,” enthused Mr Clegg beatifically. “We need more individuals to have a real stake in their firms. More of a John Lewis economy, if you like - full of quality goods, complete with a moving Smiths soundtrack performed by someone with a softer voice than Morrissey.”

“And what many people don't realise about employee ownership,” he added, as choirs of angels sang ‘Last Night I Dreamt Somebody Still Loves Me’ above him, “Is that it is a hugely underused tool in unlocking votes from those apathetic council-estate scum who dream of getting something for nothing.”

Messerschmitt 109 Was Jewish, Claims Mail On Sunday

Sneaky strong-leadership advocate Adolf Hitler blatantly thieved the design of the Messerschmitt 109 fighter from a Jewish paper-dart enthusiast, according to a sensational claim in the Mail On Sunday which could rewrite the entire history of the 20th century.

To a trained pilot, there's no difference whatsoever

Lazy academics have, until now, unquestioningly swallowed Nazi propaganda identifying Dipl-Ing Willi Messerschmitt as the man who copied out Hitler’s supposedly original blueprint for the fearsome spearhead of the Blitzkrieg. However, according to motoring journalist and therefore, by extension, world-class historian Paul Pieschpoord – who, by sheer coincidence, has a book out which he would quite like you to buy – the aircraft’s true designer was none other than bored Yiddish accountant’s clerk Samuel Cohen, whose major contributions to the field of aeronautics were subsequently covered up by Hitler’s henchmen.

“Immediately following his rise to power, Hitler’s SA thugs were ordered to scour all of the rubbish in the Reich, looking for brilliant ideas to steal,” explained Pieschpoord earnestly. “It’s a well-known fact that the V2 missile, for example, was simply a scaled-up cocktail shaker based on a rejected sketch found in a bin round the back of the Bauhaus.”

Pieschpoord pointed out the exact similarity of the Cohen and Hitler fighter designs, both of which unmistakeably share two wings and a tail fin, and called on aviation historians to refer to the design from now on solely as the Cohen Ch109.