Saturday, 9 June 2012

Graduates Worth More To Economy, Insist Graduates

Each and every graduate - even the thick ones with degrees in Sport History or Art Management - adds squillions to the wealth of the UK, according to a report published today by people with degrees in Data Entry.

“The raw statistics speak for themselves,” said Jim Spreadsheet of the Institute For Public Policy Research. “Graduates earn £180,000 extra over their lifetimes, for a cost to the state of just £18,800 per degree. It stands to reason, therefore, that the more people with degrees, the better for the entire country. Look, here’s a simple sum which proves it.”

Excel can do this! Who knew?
When asked for the graph showing the actual distribution of graduate earnings, however, Mr Spreadsheet angrily accused the Nev Filter of sneering at the miraculous achievements of billions of hardworking young people, all of whom have successfully risen from underprivileged backgrounds to lead the world in their chosen fields, such as surfboard care and management.

“If everyone in Britain had a degree,” he insisted, to cheers from the lecturers’ union which commissioned the PR, “This would be the richest country in the world. Stands to reason.”

Friday, 8 June 2012

Teachers Send Stern Letter To Ofsted’s Parents

School heads have written to Ofsted’s parents warning that, after spotting telltale signs of plagiarism in two of the inspection body’s reports, they will accept only handwritten submissions in future.

Wilshaw Senior has attacked teachers before
“When teachers compared reports handed into Belvedere Junior School in Kent and East London’s Malmesbury Primary School, it was immediately obvious that whole chunks criticising our pupils’ reading, writing and maths skills had simply been cut and pasted,” said Russell Hobby, general secretary of the National Association of Head Teachers.

“No doubt Ofsted thinks slacking off is big and clever," he added, shaking his head sadly, "But such behaviour not only lets the school and its pupils down - it lets Ofsted down. And Ofsted needs to think long and hard about that.”

Ofsted’s dad, Sir Michael Wilshaw, screwed the letter up and went mental. He was soon standing outside the NAHT offices with a baseball bat, yelling: “Oi, wanka! Y’ fink yer so fackin’ big, pickin’ on poor defenceless little inspectas, do ya? Gitcha arse dahn ‘ere, y’ fackin’ paedo bastud!”

Only A Bent Copper Should Investigate Bent Coppers, Say Bent Coppers

Have you seen this wrong 'un? Call SO19 now
Britain’s corrupt police forces have reacted with fury at the government’s startling appointment of civilian legal expert Tom Winsor to oversee Britain’s corrupt police forces.

“The role of HM Inspectorate of Constabulary is far too sensitive to be entrusted to some nonce with a sound knowledge of the law,” insisted outraged Police Federation spokesman DCI Kray Norelation. “Especially this particular trot, who’s already got the rank and file’s backs up by telling us to lose weight or get the shove. Is it our fault the toerags can scarper faster than our brave lads? Give us all a gun – problem solved.”

He went on to add that every force was actively trawling through its cold files, in case any of the uncaught villains match the description of a well-spoken, bespectacled , fair-haired man in a posh suit, who would now be balding and in his mid-fifties.

Thursday, 7 June 2012

OK, How About Every Ticket Costs £500, Suggest Train Companies

Britain’s railway thieves today responded to demands for clarity on ticket pricing from the Office Of Rail Regulation, the industry watchdog, by offering to scrap their byzantine labyrinth of unfathomable fares and replace them all with a crystal-clear price of £500 per journey.

"Tickets, please"
“It’s hardly our fault if the travelling public is too dim to steal our top-secret map of Britain’s rail network, identify each station along their route, enter them all into a spreadsheet, spend a day interrogating, enter all the prices of all possible tickets along every alternative route, write a function to calculate every conceivable fare combination and thereby save - for example - over £20 on a day trip to Bristol from Plymouth simply by purchasing three consecutive tickets between Plymouth, Exeter, Taunton and Bristol for the same train,” complained an ATOC spokesman.

“Only a complete and utter passenger would fork out £51.50 for the Off-Peak Return simply because we say that’s the cheapest ticket,” he pointed out smugly. “You’ll notice that we don’t for a second suggest that it’s the cheapest journey, of course, because we don’t actually let you ask.”

He added that even undiscovered tribes in the Amazon rainforest knew instinctively that it costs six times as much to get from London to Birmingham New Street by 0915 and back in the evening if they travel from Euston station instead of nearby Marylebone.

Wednesday, 6 June 2012

Canadian Porn Killer Offered Cabinet Post

David Cameron confirmed today that Luka Rocco Magnotta - the Canadian porn actor, murderer and lunatic noted for posting chunks of his late girlfriend to all and sundry - has been invited to join the Cabinet as a minister without portfolio.
The PM is confident that nobody will get the chop
“Luka has an exceptional gift for making savage cuts, will screw anything that moves for money and feels that accepted standards of behaviour don’t apply to him,” explained the prime minister as he opened bail negotiations with the authorities in Berlin, where the maniac was caught.

“He’ll fit right in,” he added.

Business Leaders Keen To Build On Jubilee Legacy Of Forced Labour

Easier on the eye than some lardy PCSO
The Institute of Directors today urged Britain to capitalise on the legacy of the Royal Jubilee, demanding a bill to repeal the abolition of slavery.

“This glorious national celebration has demonstrated to the world that the great British public really doesn’t give a rat’s arse about the unemployed,” crowed the business forum. “While they were proudly draping their tits and arses with their national flag, dolescum rounded up from the arse end of the country were shivering under London Bridge, prior to being frogmarched out to supply the illusion of security free, gratis and for nothing. What a stirring reminder to the world of the glory days when Great Britain used to dominate the lucrative slave trade.”

“Also, we’ve put 10,494 miles of bunting on eBay, starting at 99p - perfect if you’re planning a bit of a do,” it added. “Bit damp, but it’s got nine days to dry out - it’ll be good as new.”

Meanwhile, scowling killjoy Lord Prescott insulted the Queen and threatened the future prosperity of the nation by sulkily demanding some sort of wishy-washy, hand-wringing inquiry into why the slaves were left huddling under the bridge in the chill of the night - but not into why they were forced to work for nothing, because that was introduced by Labour.

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

Queen To Give A Shit

The Queen will officially give a shit about her fawning minions at 6pm today, in a speech she wrote with earplugs in during last night’s concert – which will be transmitted on all radio, TV and internet services of the completely impartial BBC.

Who knows what she might say?
What The People Hope To Hear
“Her Majesty is selflessness personified, so I imagine she will actually condescend to thank the peasantry for their ridiculous, clunking efforts to please her, when in fact we should be the ones thanking her for the huge difference she makes every day to each and every one of our pathetic lives” – Jeremy Brown-Nowes, royal coffee-table book generator
“I confidently expect the Queen to formally renounce her family’s spurious claim to the throne and demand a lifelong presidency for Tony Blair, in protest against the reintroduction of slavery as a means of stewarding this sickening celebration of inequality” – Alan Rusbridger, Grauniad editor
“What the Queen ought to do is plug in a guitar and do ‘We Will Rock You’, because that would literally be like so fucking awesome” – Josh Geake, shelf stacker and internet spokesman for Britain’s gilded youth
“I’m looking forward to mumsy calling it a day at last and passing the crown to a patient, devoted son with years of service left in him. Sob” – Charles Windsor, unemployed

What The People Will Actually Hear
“My husband and I ... thoughts and prayers ... great and blessed nation ... with great humility ... your overwhelming support ... my loving family ... cold dead hands ... God bless you all.”

Nigeria Suspended From Commonwealth For Blatant Attempt To Hijack News

The disloyal African state of Nigeria has had its membership of the Commonwealth suspended, after shamelessly trying to elbow its way into news coverage of the Jubilee with not one, but two fatal air accidents in a single day.

Just ignore them
The first shocking gatecrash – in which an ancient Boeing 727 freighter arriving from Nigeria overshot the runway in the Ghanaian capital, Accra, crushing ten bus passengers who were as black as the ace of spades – disgracefully stole a full thirty seconds of Her Majesty’s rightful airtime.

But worse was to follow.

Not satisfied with their first attempt to ruin the Queen’s day, at least 150 egocentric Nigerians chose to die selfishly when a passenger flight from Abuja to Lagos terminated in a flagrant attention-seeking explosion on top of a printing works .

“This was not the scheduled point of arrival,” observed a disdainful Foreign Office spokesman. “The inescapable conclusion is that these insignificant coloured persons felt an entirely unjustified sense of entitlement to five minutes of fame.”

“Thankfully, the media saw fit to grant them just two,” he added, “But how is that supposed to make the Queen feel?”

Medics Nod Knowingly At Duke’s Awkward ‘Bladder’ Problem

Doctors at the London’s leading King Edward Potato Hospital today tapped their noses and acknowledged that the Duke of Edinburgh’s wrinkled genitals will be painted purple and kept under amused observation for the next couple of days, following his emergency admission yesterday for a sudden flaring-up of “the old bladder problem.”

Clap, everyone
Smiling nurses are greeting the nautical 90-year-old with a cheery ‘Hello sailor’ as they administer iodine and antibiotics to the royal privates, according to a grinning hospital spokesman who suggested that, next time Prince Philip thinks about putting on something for the weekend, at his age he really ought to take sensible precautions.

Meanwhile, rumours that the Queen has changed the locks at Buckingham Palace were, as is customary in such matters, neither confirmed nor denied.

Monday, 4 June 2012

Queen Bursts

Britain is crushed in the grip of constitutional disaster today, following the tragic bursting of the Queen in the middle of her own Jubilee after the entire BBC tried to crawl inside her rectum.

Horrified A&E medics at St Mary’s Hospital fainted at the sight of the grossly-distended monarch swaying towards them, suspended by steel cables beneath an overloaded air ambulance. Unconfirmed reports indicate that, as the mercy flight passed over Hyde Park, tragic royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell fell out of the royal arse and drowned in the Serpentine before the Queen tragically exploded as she was being set down in an ambulance bay.

Shocked eyewitnesses claim the famously impartial BBC’s ill-conceived journey up Her Majesty’s back passage began at lunchtime, when the One O’Clock News was presented from the gardens of Buckingham Palace – although it is feared that advance parties may have been probing the royal anus since Thursday.
Paxman will need years of counselling for that survivor guilt
“I personally saw at least two dozen cameramen, sound engineers and Louisa Baldini disappearing down the back of the imperial knickers as they interviewed Sir Cliff Richard, closely followed by Emily Maitlis,” sobbed a typical traumatised viewer. “The Queen didn’t flinch, bless her. It must be pretty uncomfortable having the entire BBC crawling up your bum, especially at her age, but she’s a real trouper - she didn’t bat an eyelid.”

Tragically, all that now remains of the BBC is a forlorn Jeremy Paxman. Meanwhile, Sir Elton John has been executed in the Tower of London to prevent him from rewriting Candle In The Wind again, tragically reminding a grief-stricken nation of the Queen’s unpopularity when Diana died.

Sunday, 3 June 2012

Crowds Gather To Watch Stately Water-Bound Procession On A20

The British do this sort of thing better than anyone else
A throng of easily-impressed sightseers has assembled between Folkestone and Dover, eager to catch an unforgettable glimpse of the largest assembly of sea-going transport in 350 years - which is drifting majestically at a stately 3mph down the A20, hoping to escape the UK’s dismal Jubilee bank holiday forecast of non-stop pouring drivel.

“Look at this, Emma!” City worker Rob Blind impressed upon his sleepy four-month old daughter, from a vantage point on the Cauldham Lane bridge overlooking the slow-moving procession. “You’ll never see a sight like this again for as long as you live – ordinary people who can afford a holiday!”

The most impressive barge of the day undoubtedly belonged to Mr Wayne Prunt, who delighted the cheering crowds and his latest girlfriend by gunning his antique BMW 318 and sailing through a layby south of Church Wood at 60mph. As he floated serenely past with a tuneful blast on his airhorn, a dozen finger-waving participants saw red, bared their white teeth and turned the air blue.

“This is a profoundly moving sight,” commented a delighted spokesman for the Dover Harbour Board as, one by one, participating vehicles flowed at an almost imperceptible pace onto a waiting ferry. “But only just.”