Police To Sell £100 Tickets For Patronising Slide Show

Haha he got tasered for speeding lol!

Clarksonites who tear along the roads of England and Wales at up to 86mph will be spared the intolerable shame of penalty points on their driving licences, according to new guidelines adopted by 37 police forces, and will henceforth be sold tickets instead for a patronising Powerpoint evening consisting largely of amusingly poor driving culled from the pages of YouTube with complimentary tea and biscuits.

“The fact that the tickets cost £100 each, all of which goes straight into the force’s budget, does not necessarily mean that officers will be handing them out like takeaway flyers,” insisted Jack Dixon, a spokesman for the Association of Chief Police Officers. “Although offenders will be asked if they’d like to bring a friend or partner, in which case we’ll drive right up that driver’s arse in an unmarked car until the opportunity to sell another ticket presents itself. There’s no reason why punishment for motoring offences shouldn’t have a fun social aspect.”

The ACPO hopes that its members will soon have raised enough cash to make Jeremy Clarkson a tempting offer to narrate a DVD compilation, which will then replace the slideshow.

“Remember,” said Mr Dixon, “This hilarious compendium of scathing Clarkson wit will not be available in shops.”

The ACPO is also considering a similar scheme for criminals who hold up convenience stores, off-licences and post offices, he added, since there seems to be plenty of YouTube footage of people getting that hilariously wrong too.

“I wonder if Mad Frankie Fraser would be interested in a spot of voice-over work?” he mused.

NATO Urges Libyan Protagonists To Adopt Gaudy Colours

Refusing to apologise for yesterday’s ‘friendly fire’ airstrike on rebel tanks which killed four people, NATO urged both sides involved in the fighting to paint their vehicles in bright primary colours to prevent similar tragedies in future.

“Well, how were we supposed to know the rebels had tanks too?” demanded Rear Admiral Russ Harding, speaking from his bath in Naples. “We thought they must have been tackling Gaddafi’s armour by clambering on the back and chucking sand in the carburettor, or something.”

There, now you can spot the bad guy tank a mile away

The problem facing NATO pilots is that both sides are using ancient Russian T-72s with spots of faded green paint showing between the flaking rust patches, making it impossible to tell friend from foe.

“What you need above all in war is a jolly good colour scheme,” insisted the Admiral. “For example, in the American War of Independence our boys played fair by wearing bright red jackets, so both sides would be absolutely sure that the chap in their sights was a British soldier. We’ve air-dropped a pallet of Dulux Sea-Blue paint into rebel territory, asking them to oblige ASAP, and through diplomatic channels we have also instructed Colonel Gaddafi to paint his fighting machines bright red. Intelligence sources indicate that he can supply his own paint.”

“Ideally, both sides’ ground troops will wear these colours too,” he added. “After all, it’s in everybody’s interests to know who’s who, isn’t it?”

Asked whether Libya’s unpredictable dictator was likely to comply with his wishes, Admiral Harding pointed out: “We have every reason to believe that Colonel Gaddafi is quite familiar with the basic principles of NATO wargames. He played enough of them in England and Greece, while we were training him.”

Alternative Voting System Will Disenfranchise The Thick, Say Opponents

She can't even count her own kids, for god's sake

The ‘NO To AV’ campaign claimed today that, if introduced, the new voting system would effectively disenfranchise poor people - pointing out that they are all as thick as two short planks, and would almost certainly spoil their ballots by drawing leaking penises on them out of sheer mindless frustration.

“The poor are complete and utter fuckwits,” explained Joan Ryan, deputy director of the campaign. “They must be, or they wouldn’t be poor. There’s no way that your typical council-estate fucktard could possibly grasp the complex abstraction of putting a 1 by their first choice, a 2 by their second and so forth, because none of them can count that far.”

“Look at what happened in Australia, where they have AV,” she went on. “Last year they spoiled over five times as many ballot papers as we did. Now, we all know Australians are notoriously ignorant - but are they as pig-headedly and belligerently dense as the typical British chav? At least the Australians have got the sense to wear sunscreen.”

"This isn't us being patronising or talking down to people,” she added. “This is a fact and it is a very real concern. Many of the people who count votes up and down the land are well past retirement age, and the sudden sight of a crudely-pencilled phallus could well lead to fatalities.”

I’m Mobbed By Furtive Admirers Everywhere I Go, Whines Clegg

Between sobs, deputy prime minister Nick Clegg insisted that ordinary members of the public flocked to him everywhere he went, pushing their way through the furtive crush to whisper their embarrassed support for his fearless disregard of every moral principle of the party he leads.

Mr Clegg's heart will go on reminding him of the Titanic

In a tearful interview with Jemima Puddleduck, guest editor of the No Statesman, the LibDem leader also revealed that, tragically, he has only ever played tennis with David Cameron once, despite all the hints he has dropped by turning up at cabinet meetings with a Dunlop sports bag and wearing a sweatband.

“I’m a human being,” sniffed Mr Clegg, as the emotional grunts of Celine Dion played in the background. “I’m not a punchbag, Dave, I’ve got feelings.”

Finally breaking down completely, Mr Clegg ran upstairs and locked himself in the bathroom, wailing, “Imagine how I feel when my children come up to me and innocently ask me: ‘Why are you such a gutless opportunist, papa?’”

15p Minimum Wage Rise Will Make Us All Kings

The national minimum wage will soar to £6.08 an hour in October, boasted government ministers, implementing the insanely generous 2.5% increase recommended by the Low Pay Commission.

Ministers were quick to compare the huge rise to yesterday’s decision by the Bank of England to keep interest rates at 0.5% for the 25th consecutive month, while David Frost of the British Chambers of Commerce wept openly as he predicted mass suicides among employers and called for the reintroduction of slavery as the best way to lead the nation out of recession.

What the raise will buy in October - yes, all three of them!

Ministers were, however, unaccountably less keen to invite comparison with the rate of consumer price inflation, which rose again to 4.4% in February - suggesting that, in the absence of an economic miracle, the cost of everything will have risen by over 40% by the time the 2.5% minimum wage increase comes into effect.

“Yes, well if you play with a calculator for long enough you can prove anything,” scoffed work and pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith. “But the important thing is to concentrate on the word ‘increase’, because it’s a very splendid word indeed and makes everybody feel good.”

“Especially all the thickies who are on the minimum wage, because their numeracy is so dismal they can’t even work out how to vote for more than one candidate,” he added with a disarming smile. “To them I say: Do you believe the word of some smart-arse statistician? Of course you don’t. Bugger them - you’re getting a raise!”

G20 Policeman Almost Tells The Truth About Why He Lashed Out At Ian Tomlinson

Ian Tomlinson – the passer-by who collapsed and died shortly after being beaten to the ground by Territorial Support Group officer Simon Harwood during the G20 summit in 2009 – had adopted an “almost defiant” posture and was “almost inviting a physical confrontation”, the officer insisted as he gave something which was almost evidence to the inquest into the newspaper vendor’s death.

PC Harwood’s almost-testimony began with the interesting claim that Mr Tomlinson had been obstructing the police line and had not had his back to the riot police when he was pushed to the ground and almost missed with a baton.

PC Simon Harwood: almost a credit to the force

"The problem is that we have video of that day when you were there," pointed out Matthew Ryder QC, representing Mr Tomlinson’s family. "That is rubbish, I suggest to you, PC Harwood, and you know it."

After changing his almost-accurate statement, PC Harwood almost remembered the specific instructions he had received at the Metropolitan Police public order training centre in Gravesend when asked by Mr Ryder: "Does your training tell you if someone is not a threat to you or any other person it is acceptable to baton them? Is that your training?”

“Yes,” replied the almost brave upholder of justice, almost choosing the right answer.

"Someone who has his back to you, you push him with that force, from behind and you didn't expect he might fall to the ground?" demanded Mr Ryder.

Almost grasping the basic physical principles of force, motion and gravity, PC Harwood answered almost heroically: “No.”

Later, under questioning from his own QC, the exemplar of London’s almost finest ably demonstrated that he was almost a reliable witness when he admitted that he found it difficult to distinguish between his recollections of the day and what he had subsequently seen on video footage filmed by bystanders.

The inquest continues.

Doctors Speculate On Possible Link Between Depression And Seeing All Your Hopes And Ambitions Flushed Down The Toilet

Doctors are increasingly prescribing Prozac for recession

GPs have tentatively suggested that there might be some sort of causal relationship between having all your hopes and dreams for your future and your children cruelly dashed to pieces by an uncaring government and greedy corporations as you contemplate a joyless lifetime of unremitting struggle just to keep a roof over your head, and feeling more than a little glum.

“All day I face a steady stream of hollow-eyed human wreckage telling me, ‘Doctor, I can’t make ends meet any more. My pitiful wages are frozen, my bosses are talking about redundancies, the cost of everything is going through the roof and there’s just no end to it in sight. I feel a bit peaky.' Being a medical man, I can’t help wondering what might be causing this growing epidemic of depression as I bang out another prescription for Prozac, 20mg per diem,” said Dr Graham Foster, a Gloucester-based GP who is rubbing his hands in glee at the prospect of getting his hands on a sizeable chunk of the NHS budget.

“When I was on holiday in Thailand last month I got chatting to another GP at the beach bar and, do you know, he’s finding exactly the same thing,” he added. “It’s beginning to look like an awful lot of people are under the illusion that they’re feeling some kind of severe pain in the wallet area. We laughed and decided it must be psychosomatic, but when I got back I noticed a few of my non-medical friends seemed to be experiencing similar symptoms, albeit to a lesser degree.”

“I decided to conduct a little experiment of my own,” he continued, “So I told my reception team that I was looking at the staffing budget and I might have to forego their pay rise this year and let one of them go, then kept them under clinical observation for a week. Sure enough, one of them went off sick and all the rest seem to be showing the classic symptoms of agitation and stress.”

“You know, we’re starting to think there may be something in this,” said a spokesman for the Royal College of GPs. “Give us a nice little research grant and we’ll be able to tell you more. I reckon about £10m might set the ball rolling.”

Gbagbo Offers Leadership Experience To Libyan Rebels

Mr Gbagbo is sure his knot-tying badge will be an inspiration

As troops loyal to elected president Alassane Outtara tighten the net surrounding his embattled rival, Laurent Gbagbo has suggested to the UN that the struggling Libyan rebels might benefit from his strong leadership style.

UN peacekeepers in the Ivory Coast have previously said that Mr Gbagbo’s peaceful departure would prevent further destabilisation in the strife-torn republic.

Speaking from the coal cellar of his encircled presidential residence in Abidjan, Mr Gbagbo told UN observers: “You wantin’ me alive? OK, give me de job I can do. Dis Gaddafi character up dere in Libya, he crazy as de bag full o’ de monkeys - but he bloddy good at runnin’ de bits he got left o' de army.”

“Jus' look at dese so-called rebels,” he went on. “Dey takin’ over de ice cream van an’ de couple o’ beach huts, dey so damn’ chuffed wid demselves dey emptyin’ de ol' Lee-an'-de-Enfields into de sky like dey winnin' de whole dam’ war - den five minutes later, when de Gaddafi goons rollin’ up in de ol’ Toyota wid de Lewis gun on de back, dey buggerin’ off back into de hills like de shit off de proverbial shovel an’ hollerin’ ‘bout de lack o’ de ammunitions. Dey needin’ somebody wid de proper motivational skills an’ de gift fo’ de organisin'. Let me fax you de amazin’ Gbagbo CV. I go 50/50 wid you on de oil, dat makin’ it worth my while.”

“Bot you better be makin’ de minds up dam’ quick,” he warned. “Udderwise dese uppity nordern bastards, dey givin’ me de halal funeral wid all de trimmin’s, if you know wot I am sayin’.”

Dirty Des Ensures One Household Will Be Watching Channel 5

Yes, it's the return of the thing that will not die

In a desperate bid to influence the viewing habits of at least one house in the UK, Richard Desmond’s Channel 5 has bought the rights to axed reality show Big Brother for two years, the viewer-free station announced today.

“There will be a few fucking minor fucking changes to Big Brother’s fucking tired format,” explained Mr Desmond. “First, every fucking room will have a fucking TV in the fucking wall, safely installed behind a fucking bulletproof glass screen, showing Channel fucking 5’s exciting diet of Top fucking Gear rejects and films that went fucking straight to fucking video. I’ll get the fucking audience ratings up into single fucking figures if it fucking kills me.”

“Secondly, instead of talking to Big fucking Brother, housemates will fucking take turns in what used to be the fucking Diary Room to talk about wanking to solitary Daily fucking Express-reading saddoes in their fucking 40s who call the onscreen fucking premium-rate chatline number at a pound a fucking minute,” he added with a salacious drool.

“Fucking finally,” slobbered Britain’s cut-price Murdoch wannabe, “Items of fucking clothing will be removed every fucking day until, by the last fucking week, all the fucking contestants are wandering about fucking starkers. If that doesn’t fucking breathe new fucking life into the fucking thing, I’m a fucking Nazi.”

UK Eagerly Awaiting Return Of Citizen Dave

The people of Britain are today clamouring for prime minister David Cameron to return and begin implementing the hard-left agenda he has just urged Pakistan to adopt.

Citizen Dave will soon be returning to lead the Eton Popular Front

Wearing a Che Guevara T-shirt, the newly-converted PM told his Pakistani counterpart, Yousuf Raza Gilani: “Fuck the rich, comrade! They’re nothing but a thieving bunch of greedy parasites sucking all the wealth out of your people. Tax their asses off – make the bastards pay!”

When his host expressed surprise at Mr Cameron’s forthright advice, pointing out that he was the millionaire son of a millionaire father, socialism’s new spokesman angrily retorted that this was the sort of typically unhelpful and predictably reactionary comment he expected from a capitalist running-dog.

“I don’t accept any responsibility for being born into a privileged family, comrade - that’s an accident of birth!” he retorted angrily. “I didn’t ask to be rich, I didn’t ask to be sent to Eton, and OK, I may have chosen to go to Oxford but that’s only because I worked really, really hard and did incredibly well in my A-levels and chose to observe the overprivileged parasites in their nest and learn their weaknesses.”

“Besides, under socialism everybody will be a millionaire,” he added furiously. “It’s not about dragging everybody down to the same level, it’s about raising everybody up. So hands off my cash, you horrid little prole.”

Arming Repressive Dictators Is Wrong, Says Committee, Except When It Isn’t

The influential Arms Export Controls Committee of MPs today issued a scathing attack on Britain’s cynical exports policy of arming evil dictators who then get their faces all over the papers and make us look silly, and urged the government to take a firm hand in future and only issue export licences to countries ruled by evil dictators who have the decency to keep a low profile as far as the British media are concerned.

They highlight the awkward fact that, in 2010 alone, the UK exported arms - including tear gas, irritant ammunition, crowd control ammunition, small arms ammunition, night vision goggles, sub-machine guns and sniper rifles – to repressive regimes in Libya, Tunisia, Egypt and Bahrain who then proceeded to use them for their intended purpose while the world looked on.

This can have a devastating effect when deployed in front of a camera crew

“In future, the government must take care to only sell arms to thuggish states on the strict understanding that they will only deploy these top-quality weapons against their own people or their weak neighbours when the cameras are looking the other way,” explained committee chairman Sir John Stanley. “Our very good friends the Saud family have pretty impressive form in this department, because they have the good sense to implement punitive restrictions on what foreign correspondents can report. The same is true of the various unpronounceable former Soviet states tucked away in the back of beyond, and of course let’s not forget our selectively democratic chums in Israel, who have mastered the difficult trick of being viciously repressive without any need for a dictator to blame.”

When asked to justify his committee’s selective approach to morality, Sir John explained: “The yardstick that the government needs to apply is very simple: What are the chances that white British citizens might find themselves looking down the barrel of a British-manufactured weapon? This simple litmus test would immediately have ruled out the prime tourist destinations of Tunisia and Egypt, and Bahrain and Libya are very profitable bases for British companies.”

“On the other hand, who in their right mind would pick a fortnight in Saudi Arabia for their family holiday?” he pointed out with a smile. “And as for Kizzy-wizzy-stan and suchlike, I don’t think even Aeroflot are daft enough to go there direct from Heathrow. No chance of any embarrassing publicity from that quarter.”

“And boy, do they love Prince Andrew out there,” he added.

War Against Peace Not As Useful As War On Terror, Insists NI Police Chief

Chief Constable Matt Baggott says dissident Republican terrorists suspected of planting the bomb which killed 25-year-old Constable Ronan Keir are fighting a “useless war against peace” they cannot possibly win - unlike the war on terror which he and the combined security forces of Britain and America have been fighting with outstanding success for the last ten years.

“How can you fight an abstract concept?” demanded Mr Baggott. “It’s just absurd.”

Air Chief Marshal Demanding Pound For Cup Of Aviation Fuel

Cup of fuel, my arse

Ministers and staff at the Ministry of Defence have been warned by police not to hand over any money if approached by a suspiciously chummy Air Chief Marshal, whose ploy is to greet them like an old friend fallen on hard times and beg a pound for a cup of fuel “for his little boys, who are far away from home.”

“Don’t feel any pity for this deceitful addict,” urged Metropolitan Police commissioner Sir Kim Jong-Stephenson. “He is well known to us. His name is Sir Stephen Dalton, and he won’t spend any money you give him on fuel at all. He’ll just go straight to one of his arms dealers and hit them with an order for another pointless weapons platform, tragically hoping to shoot up Cold War bombers.”

Air Crash Bodies Say France Definitely Not Responsible For Their Deaths

France has announced that its search team has found bodies in a section of the Air France airliner that crashed in mid-Atlantic in 2009, adding that several of them clearly died clutching hastily-written notes to the windows that absolutely exonerate France from any blame for their untimely demise.

Of course, the wreckage could be an elaborate hoax

“I regret zat our magnificent search ‘as not located ze black boxes of Flight 447, which ‘ave undoubtedly been eaten by ze fabulous squid énorme,” said environment minister Nathalie Kosciusko-Morizet. “In zair absence, ‘owever, ze testimony of zose aboard ze doomed Airbus must count vair ‘ighly in ze apportionment of ze blame.”

“One bloated corpse can be seen ‘olding ze serviette to ze window, bearing ze message: ‘Eef by some miracle I get out of zees alive, I would ‘appily fly Air France again wizout ‘esitation’,” she quoted. “Anozzer spent ze final moments of ‘er earthly existence writing ‘Typical - ze shitty British-manufactured wings ‘ave bose fallen off, isn’t it’.”

“I do not wish to pre-empt ze official Bureau d'Enquêtes et d'Analyses report into ze causes of ze crash,” the minister went on confidently, “But, as ever, eet ees patently obvious zat any so-called failings in French aircraft design, manufacture and operation exist solely in ze fevered imaginations of ze evil Anglo-Saxon accident investigation experts.”

“Zut,” she added for no apparent reason.