Saturday, 18 December 2010

Conspiracy Theorists Experience World’s Largest Simultaneous Orgasm

Abba have been warning people about Sweden since 1974
Within seconds of hearing Wikileaks' Julian Assange claim “there is a threat to my life,” millions of free-thinkers whose understanding has transcended the narrow limitations of the left brain - or ‘conspiracy nutters’ as they are known to scientists, and everybody else – were left panting and lighting up cigarettes after experiencing an unprecedented mass commotion in their bacofoil undercrackers.

After hastily changing their undergarments in the kitchen, the rabid community lost no time in identifying the shadowy organisations who would wish swift death upon the prophet who heroically revealed all kinds of happening shit to a horrified world.

“Of course, what six billion blind sheep simply refuse to recognise is that the Bilderberg Group is obviously using its hold over the 9-dimensional aliens to push the EU superstate towards an agreement with Rupert Murdoch and the Illuminati, which would force the BBC into giving the Elders of Zion free rein to talk Common Purpose into ordering Big Pharma to deceive the Swedish prosecutor into bludgeoning Julian Assange to death with Tom Cruise’s crystal pyramid in 2012,” blogged a typical self-polluting truthseeker, who was immediately congratulated by his barmy associates for his clear presentation of the reality behind the propaganda, apart from getting it all back to front.

Meanwhile, David Icke is strenuously denying rumours that he has paid a top hitman to take out the brave Wikileaks hero for stealing his act.

Chav Tells Topshop Tax Protesters To Stop Eyeing Up Her Fanny

Midgets have been suffering for years
A sit-in organised by UK Uncut turned ugly at the Oxford Street branch of Topshop today, when customer Sammi-Jo Bloggs loudly accused protesters of looking up her front bottom.

“We are occupying the floor of Topshop’s flagship store to draw Christmas shoppers’ attention to the tax-avoidance strategies of Sir Philip Green and his Arcadia Group,” said a shocked spokesman for the group. “Not to cop an eyeful of Miss Bloggs’ hideously self-inflicted attempt at a Brazilian. If she wants to keep her spotty fadge from prying eyes, perhaps she could have put some knickers on. Especially since her idea of wrapping up warm for the sub-Arctic weather seems to involve a skimpy Santa outfit, a bra at least two sizes too small for her and nothing else but a pair of four-inch heels.”

“I’ve seen sights today that nobody should see sober,” he moaned. “After this, Philip Green’s offshore wife is the least of my worries. I’ll be waking up screaming for years to come.”

Thursday, 16 December 2010

Death Is Coming, Warns Weatherman

The view from Television Centre this evening
“It is coming,” moaned Tomasz the BBC schafernaker today as he huddled in a corner of a frost-rimed BBC newsroom, trying to light a pathetic pile of hastily-scavenged scripts by rubbing two pencils together. “Death’s icy talons are in the wind.”

“Heed me,” he added balefully.

The schafernaker made his dire prediction after sacrificing a trainee editor in the traditional manner on the news altar this morning.

Data wizards high in the Tower of Meteorology had verified the weather priest’s ominous prophecy, he warned, after entering the latest sat-runes into their mighty oracle.

“Even now, a terrible area of evil pressure descends upon the realm from the frozen snowpeaks of the North,” moaned the sinister schafernaker, casting secretive eldritch signs of protection with his fingers. “Beware the terrible ravening bear and the unpleasant wolf with the munchies for lo, they come.”

“So,” chortled King Bill Bull-turner, as he mopped the sacrificial blood off his mighty table of breakfast. “Better put a scarf on if you’re planning a spot of late-night Yuletide shopping, then.”

“Aye,” affirmed the weatherscryer gloomily. “And some warm woolly gloves.”

Paint A Tippex Willy On Your Debit Card, Urge Assange Cultists

The Man simply has no answer to this
'Ridiculous’ - the online worshippers of Leakiwiks hero Julian Assange - are extending their protest methods further into the analogue realm, calling on millions of Christmas shoppers to tippex a crudely-drawn dripping penis onto their debit and credit cards in a mass show of support for their outspoken paragon of virtue.

The group, which started its protest with denial-of-service attacks on PayPal, Visa, Mastercard, Amazon, Google, iTunes, YouTube, and XHamster, has recently spread its tactics beyond the virtual world and into the physical domain. Earlier this week, members stepped up the campaign by scanning their buttocks and sending the images to their targets’ fax machines.

“Earlier today, a nerdy man came up to the till with the latest edition of PC Gamer and a Lion Bar,” confirmed a manager at the Queensway branch of WH Smith in Stevenage. “Without any warning, he suddenly whipped out a debit card bearing a rather distasteful depiction of a john thomas and thrust it into the reader. Sue, who served him, thinks it was a Nationwide card, but she’s still in shock.”

“Before this happened, like many of my friends and colleagues I just thought this Assange character was completely up himself, really,” he reflected soberly. “But now this principled show of public solidarity has made me realise that he is, in fact, all that stands between us and the hegemony of the New World Order.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I must just pop over to the stationery section and keep a stick of Tippex back for myself before we run out,” he added. “I’ll be popping into Burger King on the way home, and I need to make my voice heard.”

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

Despicable BBC Fiend Beheads Helpless Wheelchair Man With A Scythe

Millions of TV viewers sat in appalled silence yesterday as Ben Brown, a sadistic BBC torturer, savagely hacked the head off a cowering, helpless man in a wheelchair with a razor-sharp scythe in his demented, insatiable thirst for peak ratings.

Within seconds of the sickening live broadcast BBC switchboards were glowing red hot and exploding in showers of sparks, overloaded by an unprecedented flurry of outraged complaints.

“If ever I needed concrete proof - which I don’t - that the BBC is run entirely by vicious NAZI propagandist SCUM as nothing more than a fawning mouthpiece for the perverted diktats of that blood-curdling mass-murderer David HITLER and his strutting puppet Nick MUSSOLINI,” raged typical traumatised viewer Anne Arquette, “That moment surely came when, without a SHRED of mercy, poor Jody LenIntyre was brutally decapitated by that evil bastardfuckingfuckingcuntbastard BROWN, a mere six hours into Jody's deeply moving, entirely reasonable and unquestionably newsworthy exposé of vicious NAZI propagandist SCUM running the entire BBC as nothing more than a fawning mouthpiece for the perverted diktats of that blood-curdling mass-murderer David HITLER and his strutting puppet Nick MUSSOLINI (and you'd bloody well better leave all my CAPITAL LETTERS in).”

The new Holocaust starts now
“On top of that ATROCITY, there was ABSOLUTELY no possible justification for those sick FASCIST (and don’t even THINK about leaving the first S out to make me come across like some kind of IDIOT you smug patronising BASTAD, where was I yeah right) absolutely no justification for those sick FASCIST peadocuntscumotherfucking SICKOS on BBC Breakfast to gloatingly prop his lifeless body up in his blood-drenched WHEELCHAIR, sellotape his HEAD back on and mockingly bang their WRISTS together as they threw their guffawing heads back and drove a sodding great TANK backwards and forwards over him," she wailed, "Reducing this tragic martyr of TRUTH to a nauseating crimson gore squelching obscenely up through the TRACKS.”

“I’m writing one hell of a note about this on FACEBOOK,” she added vehemently. “That’s going to finally bring a welcome end to the crypto-fascist BBC’s unspeakable reign of TERROR, passing the CONTROL of our airwaves into the gentle, freedom-loving hands of, er, Rupert MURDOCH. Okay, so I may not exactly have thought this one through but that’s NEVER stopped me before and it‘s certainly not going to hold me up NOW.”

Incredibly, a jackbooted spokesman for the BBC later made a cynical attempt to defend his loathsome organisation.

“As a responsible propagandist, it was Ben Brown’s difficult duty to put to Mr LenIntyre the sort of difficult questions which the typical viewer - with only an average understanding of terrible afflictions such as cerebral palsy, chronic inflammation of the ego and the dreaded screaming trots - might legitimately expect to hear answered,” intoned Sturmbanneditor Kevin Goebbels, a heartless deputy apologist from the BBC’s feared and hated propaganda room. “Questions like ‘You talk pretty bloody well for a spacker - are you quite sure you’re disabled?’, ‘Why can’t you just read the Daily Mail, like normal people?’ and ‘Who, for the love of Christ, did that to your hair?’ – there are the very essence of the lofty ideals of reportage.”

“This is what we cynical, seasoned apologists of repression laughingly refer to as ‘balance’,” he bellowed in rising tones to a stadium filled to capacity with hysterical BBC sympathisers. “During the course of his six-hour interrogation, Mr LenIntyre was granted an unprecedented number of opportunities to restate his colourful but imaginary version of the sequence of events which unfolded after the unfortunate PC Savage somehow caught up his watch strap in a loose thread from Mr LenIntyre’s manky sleeve. However, the fiftieth time that useless mouth deliberately charged off at a tangent to recite whole chapters from his manifesto, Ben was left with no other option but to gently but firmly steer the interview back into the realm of topicality. With a scythe. Really, I don’t see what all the fuss is about. And take my advice: neither do you.”

The Metropolitan Police and the coalition government, meanwhile, have issued an amusing statement condemning the lefty BBC, expressing the sincere hope that the public consciousness will remain focused on the real issue of underlying importance: i.e. allowing their butterfly-like attention to float randomly away from all the dubious nonsense the government hopes to shove through as fast as it can before all the hullaballoo dies down.

Tuesday, 14 December 2010

BA Kindly Waives Fuel Surcharge Increase For Most Wasteful Flights

The world’s favourite airline to hate, British Airways, announced today that its long-suffering long-haul passengers will have an extra £10 per flight extracted from their threadbare wallets, in order to subsidise people who are too bloody impatient to travel short distances by road, rail or sea.

Coming soon to the Reading-Heathrow bus link
“Yes, of course most of the fuel is burnt up hauling a hulking great lump of metal up into the stratosphere,” admitted a smiling BA spokescreep, when questioned about the illogical decision. “Once it’s up there and bowling merrily along at 500mph, those enormous turbofans can just tick over on low revs for hours on end - which is why you can fly all the way to Florida and back for just £350, albeit not with us.”

“On your typical British domestic route, however, no sooner have you got up to 40,000ft than it’s time to come back down again,” he pointed out, after sneezing into a £50 note and casually dropping it into a shredder. “Short-haul commercial flying represents the least efficient form of mass transit that mankind has ever devised, unless perhaps somebody, somewhere is trundling about on a bus whose rear axle is driven from a reduction gear attached to the convection fan of a log-effect electric fire.”

“What you must bear in mind,” he explained, “Is that if ticket prices actually bore any relation to fuel usage, a lot of very impatient people could come to the reluctant conclusion that putting up with a couple of hours aboard one of Beardy Branson’s ghastly cattle trucks probably wouldn’t kill them after all.”

Michael McIntyre Seeks Last Few People Not Yet Irritated By Patronising Smugness

Why is there never a bus around when you need one?
The world’s most inexplicable stand-up comedy success, Michael McIntyre, is joining the panel of professional irritants on ITV’s brain-dead freak show, Britain’s Not Talent, in his personal quest to annoy the living shit out of the last few people in Britain who have not yet enjoyed the pleasure of imagining his insufferably smug act ending prematurely under a hail of blunt and satisfyingly heavy objects.

“Michael McIntyre has a rare talent for inspiring undying hatred in everyone who has ever endured his snobbish, patronising travesty of a stand-up performance,” his agent, Satan, told reporters. “There isn’t one panel show that hasn’t been permanently blighted by his smarmy hamster face with its huge, permanently-arched eyebrows and his arrogant, condescending attempts at wit.”

“Anyone with an ounce of self-respect already loathes Michael’s supercilious aura of supreme self-satisfaction,” he added, “Which is why, in order to complete the challenge I set him and complete his own franchised branch of hell on earth, his last remaining task is a judging spot on my favourite son Simon Cowell’s God-forsaken idiot parade.”

In his wholly unnecessary career spanning eleven long years, only the Daily Mail now rivals Mr MacIntyre for uniting the British people in a collective desire to see the Home Counties smitten forever from the face of the earth by pestilence, flood or nuclear disaster.

“As a precaution, prior to each show Amanda Holden will be subjected to a full body search for concealed hammers, frying pans and wellies before she is allowed to sit within striking distance of him,” added Satan. “I’m pretty sure her soul is mine now, but there’s no need to take any chances.”

Monday, 13 December 2010

British Public Struggling To Remember Giving Consent For Police State

Police are sure they've got that consent form on file somewhere
As Theresa May, the home secretary, eagerly pores over water-cannon manufacturers’ glossy brochures, the public at large has raised a collective eyebrow at her claim that “Britain is policed by consent and not force.”

“Admittedly I’m constantly pestered by some cheeky arse with a clipboard – just like you, in fact – whenever I pop out for a pint of sodding milk,” observed a harassed-looking ABC1 outside Godalming’s Waitrose store, “And I have been known to make things up just for the hell of it. But I’m pretty certain I don’t remember ticking a box okaying the deployment of police horses and the riot squad against schoolkids.”

“Come to think of it, I don’t recall green-lighting the public execution of Brazilians or the killing of passing news vendors,” she reflected. “And I’m reasonably sure that if anybody had ever asked me how I thought the law should be applied to police officers who take down harmless members of the public, with ‘1’ being a twenty-year stretch and ‘10’ being a mild reprimand for breaching health and safety regulations, I dare say I’d probably have picked quite a low number.”

“You know, I don’t actually remember a copper in riot gear carefully soliciting my consent before I got brained with a heavy riot baton last Thursday,” agreed student casualty Alfie Meadows, from his bed in Chelsea and Westminster Hospital neurosurgery department.

“Mind you,” he admitted, “That might be because I got brained with a heavy riot baton last Thursday.”

Gay Footy Fans Thank Blatter For Timely Advice

This could be interesting
FIFA president Sepp Blatter was thanked today by millions of gay fans all over the world who were planning to go to Qatar for the World Cup after he advised them to write a little reminder in their 2022 diaries to weld themselves into chastity belts for the duration of the tournament, unless perhaps they happened to have a masochistic streak coupled with a strong penchant for deferred gratification.

“My attention has just been drawn to some slightly less-than-liberal views apparently held by the Qataris on matters of homosexuality,” Mr Blatter told a press conference in Durban. “Unlike most Middle Eastern states, which generally turn a blind eye as far as this particular piece of Sharia law is concerned, unfortunately it seems that just being seen holding hands with another man in Qatar might get you a public flogging and ten years in a hell-hole prison. So I should imagine you really wouldn’t want to be found up his bottom.”

“But hey, let’s try a little optimism!” he added cheerfully. “After all, for all we know the Qataris might very well change their minds, embrace their brothers and transform their Islamic emirate into a secular, open-minded republic at any time in the next twelve years. Only the most cynical pessimist could possibly say it couldn’t happen.”

“Here at FIFA we are fully committed to promoting fairness and equality, which can be a difficult balancing act at times,” he stressed. “On the one hand we have to take the terrible consequences of ignorance and bigotry into account, whilst on the other hand we have several large bags filled with money going into our Swiss bank accounts.”

Mr Blatter apologised for bringing the briefing to an early close, as he had a meeting with one or two black players who were apparently a bit bothered about something or other to do with Russia.