Showing posts with label Blair. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Blair. Show all posts
Monday, 28 May 2012
Wednesday, 11 April 2012
Convenient Amnesia Outbreak Spreads To Blair
Former prime minister Tony Blair has become the latest victim of the terrible Convenient Amnesia epidemic which is striking so many establishment figures dumb, after tragically failing to remember why he told the British public that his government was absolutely opposed to extraordinary rendition, while his security services were cheerfully kicking anyone who looked a bit shifty to the Americans onto the next unscheduled flight to Diego Garcia.
Convenient Amnesia was first diagnosed in the US in 1986, when Lt Col Oliver North developed the symptoms after a trip to Nicaragua - or possibly Iran, as he was unable to recall his travel arrangements - and quickly infected then-president Ronald Reagan. The deadly disease rapidly spread, and is now endemic throughout the elites of the world.
“Not so long ago Tony was perfectly capable of running out a superb line of self-justifying bullshit whenever he felt like it,” explained a brain surgeon. “When he was on form, he could effortlessly pull a rubber terrorist out of the top of his head and wave it threateningly in your face until you ran away, or give his credibility a good stretch by claiming that God had told him it was OK. Now he just sits vacantly in front of a microphone on The World At One, trying desperately to remember a single excuse.”
Scientists are working hard to discover a cure for this awful affliction. Meanwhile, for sufferers like Tony, their only hope is to pray that they don’t.
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| Mr Blair genuinely has no idea why this matters |
“Not so long ago Tony was perfectly capable of running out a superb line of self-justifying bullshit whenever he felt like it,” explained a brain surgeon. “When he was on form, he could effortlessly pull a rubber terrorist out of the top of his head and wave it threateningly in your face until you ran away, or give his credibility a good stretch by claiming that God had told him it was OK. Now he just sits vacantly in front of a microphone on The World At One, trying desperately to remember a single excuse.”
Scientists are working hard to discover a cure for this awful affliction. Meanwhile, for sufferers like Tony, their only hope is to pray that they don’t.
Wednesday, 30 November 2011
Turd Insists Journalism Has Become ‘Putrid’
A turd which used to be Tony Blair’s chief liar told the Leveson inquiry today that journalism has become “frankly putrid in many of its elements”.
“I would like to draw the panel’s attention to the press coverage of the Iraq dossier I showed them, which was patently nothing but a tissue of lies from start to finish,” the turd complained. “Having been a lump of journalist myself before I flushed myself out of the Daily Mirror, I knew I could rely on none of these shits bothering to do even the most cursory verification checks before rushing into print. And sure enough, they didn’t. I tell you, it stinks to high heaven.”
The steaming turd sensationally added: “I know, from bitter experience, that it is routine for important stories to be cynically twisted, or even made up entirely, just to fit the scheming owner’s personal worldview. But enough about me. The papers do it too.”
“I may be a reeking piece of ordure,” he continued with passion. “But even I wouldn’t want to step in the Daily Mail.”
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| I shit you not |
The steaming turd sensationally added: “I know, from bitter experience, that it is routine for important stories to be cynically twisted, or even made up entirely, just to fit the scheming owner’s personal worldview. But enough about me. The papers do it too.”
“I may be a reeking piece of ordure,” he continued with passion. “But even I wouldn’t want to step in the Daily Mail.”
Sunday, 10 July 2011
Miliband Boldly Places Labour Party In New ‘Soft Centre’ Of Politics
Ed Miliband, the boy who won the Labour Party in a raffle, today vowed to steer his party into a new ‘soft centre’ of British politics, after millionaire playboy and erstwhile jobbing prime minister Tony Blair took time out from counting his income from two global bank directorships to urge the party not to lurch to the left.
To the guitar accompaniment of Andrew Marr playing ‘The Boy With The Thorn In His Side’, Mr Miliband told viewers: “I've had conversations in private which have been good conversations with Tony Blair, with him patting me on the head and giving me a shiny new 50p coin, but let me just say this - it all depends on where you think the centre ground is. Some barmy old folks like Mr Marshall-Andrews and Mr Skinner keep insisting that the left is on one side of the centre and the right is on the other, but that’s a very simplistic way of looking at things.”
“No, the truth is that hundreds of Conservatives are on one side of the government and a few dozen Liberal Democrats are on the other,” he sang. “So the hard centre of politics is obviously somewhere almost exactly in the middle of the Conservatives. But I don’t want anyone to think that supporting Labour is hard, because it’s not. Well, I’m not. Ask anyone in the shadow cabinet, and they’ll tell you I’m incredibly soft. In fact they’re often urging me to take my leadership style even further, by telling me I must be soft in the head. And I’m open enough to take that on board, thank them for their advice and work on it.”
Speculation is rife as to which soft centre best describes the Labour Party under Mr Miliband, with opinions divided sharply between the coffee crème which nobody wants and the vanilla fudge.
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| It looks like a nipple - it must be Miliband |
“No, the truth is that hundreds of Conservatives are on one side of the government and a few dozen Liberal Democrats are on the other,” he sang. “So the hard centre of politics is obviously somewhere almost exactly in the middle of the Conservatives. But I don’t want anyone to think that supporting Labour is hard, because it’s not. Well, I’m not. Ask anyone in the shadow cabinet, and they’ll tell you I’m incredibly soft. In fact they’re often urging me to take my leadership style even further, by telling me I must be soft in the head. And I’m open enough to take that on board, thank them for their advice and work on it.”
Speculation is rife as to which soft centre best describes the Labour Party under Mr Miliband, with opinions divided sharply between the coffee crème which nobody wants and the vanilla fudge.
Friday, 10 June 2011
Bomb Explodes Harmlessly, Causing Only Minor Damage To Balls
A bombshell that was meant to assassinate Tony Hitblair six years ago exploded harmlessly in the Daily Telegraph this morning, causing only superficial harm to one-eyed chief conspirator Gordon von Stauffenbrown’s Balls.
According to the Telegraph’s forensic experts, the bomb plot appears to have been hatched in the dark days of 2005 when an increasingly deranged Hitblair cynically reneged on his promise to step down, which he famously scribbled on a restaurant menu long cherished by Stauffenbrown. As Hitblair, buoyed by the continuing support of the British hordes in their mighty Volvo tanks, continued to ignore the promise - no matter how hopefully Stauffenbrown brandished it before the world’s press - a desperate plot was hatched to blow Hitblair out of office.
Unfortunately for the plotters, the bomb turned out to be a complete dud and Hitblair survived unharmed until he chose to end his own reign just before the chaotic last days of the Labour government, defiantly bringing ruin to the nation by appointing the hapless Stauffenbrown as his successor.
The bomb was soon forgotten – until yesterday, when it unexpectedly went off with a disappointing pop in an old newspaper. An embarrassed Stauffenbrown emerged from the smoke with his trousers in tatters and his blackened Balls dangling in full view of everyone.
“My reputation is undamaged,” he assured reporters, “Because I haven’t got one.”
According to the Telegraph’s forensic experts, the bomb plot appears to have been hatched in the dark days of 2005 when an increasingly deranged Hitblair cynically reneged on his promise to step down, which he famously scribbled on a restaurant menu long cherished by Stauffenbrown. As Hitblair, buoyed by the continuing support of the British hordes in their mighty Volvo tanks, continued to ignore the promise - no matter how hopefully Stauffenbrown brandished it before the world’s press - a desperate plot was hatched to blow Hitblair out of office.
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| Labour has only got one Balls |
The bomb was soon forgotten – until yesterday, when it unexpectedly went off with a disappointing pop in an old newspaper. An embarrassed Stauffenbrown emerged from the smoke with his trousers in tatters and his blackened Balls dangling in full view of everyone.
“My reputation is undamaged,” he assured reporters, “Because I haven’t got one.”
Saturday, 27 November 2010
TV Religion Debate Lost By Satan
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| Hmm... tough one |
Satan - who surprised few in 2007 by publicly embracing Catholicism - opened the debate by claiming that faith was a force for good, and said it was “futile” to try to drive it out.
Mr Hitchens, however, pointed out that Satan was well-known to the entire world as the Father of Lies, and rested his case.
The Prince of Darkness fiendishly attempted to snare his opponent by suggesting that, simply by acknowledging his own unholy presence in the studio, he was accepting the truth of an eternal struggle for the souls of mankind by two opposing supernatural entities.
“Oh no you don’t,” retorted Mr Hitchens. “Any rational human being can see that behind that urbane grin lurks the unspeakable embodiment of evil incarnate, Tony Blair.”
Monday, 6 September 2010
Blair Kindly Cancels London Signing To Spare Police The Inconvenience Of Holding Back His Loving Fans
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| Mr Blair's fans will be so disappointed |
“I’m really sorry that the vast majority of the public, who desperately want to meet me and tell me how wonderful I am, will not be able to because I’m such a kind and caring guy that I’ve cancelled this signing purely out of consideration for London’s wonderful bobbies,” wailed Mr Blair on ITV’s hard-hitting new breakfast TV show, ‘What Would You Like On Your Toast Today, Dear?’ “But they can take solace from the crate of signed copies I’ll be sending round to Waterstones later. Don’t bother buying at half price from Amazon, by the way. They’re clearly having trouble shifting their stock because they don’t have my glorious signature in them. That means they lack the miraculous power to heal the sick, obviously.”
“To be frank, I am concerned… If people want to have a book signed, people should protest but not try and physically prevent you doing it," he added, demonstrating the mastery of language that marks him as one of the world’s top orators and writers.
At a press briefing later, when proper journalists pointed out that the people who were protesting were not in fact trying to jump the queue for signed copies of his rotten collection of fibs, Mr Blair looked at them blankly for a minute.
“These crowds get all the publicity, but I’m the one who’s paying the PR consultants’ fees,” he complained. “It’s not fair. I should get a refund off the public.”
Saturday, 4 September 2010
Signing Demo A Huge Publicity Boost For Blair Novel
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| Fans of political memoirs always dress like this, no really |
Hundreds of anti-war protesters, frustrated shoppers and literary critics were held at bay by the police cordon, although some shoes were thrown at Mr Blair in what his entourage suggested was some sort of shoppers’ request to visit the shoe shop down the road and tell them what they had in those sizes.
Eggs were also hurled, which Mr Blair chose to interpret as a joint request from book lovers to hurry up and hatch another best-selling work of fiction.
Anti-war protesters had one success, however. A tanker full of blood was unable to push through their massed ranks, forcing Mr Blair to sign his name in red ink instead.
“I would like to thank the concerned citizens of Dublin for the welcome publicity they have given my book,” grinned the former prime minister. “£25 from all amoral bookshops, or already knocked down to £12.50 on Amazon.”
Wednesday, 1 September 2010
St. Anthony’s Epistle To The Britonians
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| St. Anthony celebrates the Shafting Of The 1 |
2. First of all, let me say that my decision to help you Americans to invade Iraq was a mistake.
3. But it was made in good faith; and that’s the important thing, isn’t it?
4. Do the families of the soldiers who died really suppose I don't care, don't feel, don't regret with every fibre of my being the loss of those who died?
5. To be indifferent to that would be inhuman, emotionally warped.
6. My rock, Cherie (bless her for doing the proof-reading!) has pointed out that neither of the above points actually commits me to saying I do care.
7. Make of that what you will.
8. Let’s move on to Gordon, shall we?
9. Was he a rabid, brooding megalomaniac with the empathic ability of a crab? Yes.
10. But let us not forget that he was also obstinate, ruthless and scheming.
11. And those were qualities for which I never lost respect, keeping as far away from him as possible at all times.
12. As this witty little dialogue illustrates:
13. FLUNKY: The chancellor is demanding to see you, Prime Minister.
14. ME: Yesh, he can be very demanding, can’t he? (slaps thigh) Hic.
15. FLUNKY: Very droll, Prime Minister. Now, Mr Brown wants to call you -
16. ME: I’d rather not hear what Mr Brown wantsh to call me, thank you Jon! (doubles up, thumps desktop) Now pour me another G&T, there’sh a good chap.
17. FLUNKY: You slay me, sir. Will you have Gordon’s?
18. ME: Might as well - the po-faced drip never touches the shtuff! (falls off chair, rolls on floor laughing) Go on, pour one for yourshelf, why doncha?
19. It’s the way I tell ‘em.
20. But let us not dwell on a cold, festering lunatic whom, with hindsight, a lesser man might have kept from single-handedly destroying the economy and the Labour Party’s chances of getting elected for a decade or more.
21. 1997, eh?
22. This was not a win.
23. It was a landslide.
24. Which is a win.
25. But I’m writing for effect.
26. Clever, eh?
27. Moving swiftly on, the death of Diana immediately struck me as an event which would determine the very future of Britain.
28. I was prime minister, you know.
29. I had to work out how it would work out.
30. Make of that what you will.
31. Finally, let me just say that when I was asked which of the political leaders I had met had the most integrity, I listed George W. Bush near the top.
32. After me, of course.
33. Some people thought I was joking.
34. I never joke.
35. See vv.13-19.
36. He was, in a bizarre sense, a true idealist.
37. Make of that what you will.
Monday, 16 August 2010
Blair: ‘I Don’t Want This Money - It’s All Covered In Blood’
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| Shaking hand with Tony Blair: not for the faint-hearted |
The multi-million advance on his memoirs - due to arrive in bookshops on September 1st, then in pound shops on October 1st – dropped on his doormat this morning in a squelching brown envelope and oozed blood all over Mrs Blair’s new carpet, leading to a heated argument over breakfast which culminated in Mr Blair being told in no uncertain terms to get rid of it by lunchtime.
Mr Blair’s grisly gift was politely refused by several charity shops until, in desperation, he drove round to the local Royal British Legion and left it on the doorstep.
A Legion spokesman thanked the ex-PM for his donation, and promised to put the money towards a sports centre for the many soldiers who so kindly donated their limbs to furthering his popularity among Americans with large cheque books.
“This isn’t about easing my conscience,” Mr Blair told reporters later, “Because I don’t have one. I’m only telling the world about my incredible, selfless act of unparalleled generosity in the hope that someone out there can recommend a really good soap. I just can’t seem to get these damn bloodstains off my hands.”
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
Mandelson: Blair Feared Raving Psychopath Brown Would Kill And Eat Him
Today’s startling revelation from Lord Mandelson’s funeral elegy for the Labour Party is that, when Tony Blair was prime minister, he went to bed every night with a baseball bat - terrified that his chancellor Gordon Brown would tear down the wall between Nos. 10 and 11 Downing Street in a crack-crazed red rage, gut him with a carving knife and feast on his still-pulsing entrails.
The former business secretary claims that Mr Blair broke down in tears at the mere mention of the chancellor’s name, sobbing that he often heard the agonised death-throes of garden songbirds as the sadistic Mr Brown gleefully tortured them next door in his chamber of horrors.
According to Lord Mandelson, Mr Blair once considered the idea of shuffling Mr Brown sideways to the Foreign Office - but feared the brooding arch-fiend would seize the opportunity to engineer a nuclear Armageddon, in which he could cackle maniacally as the ocean floors cracked asunder and the atmosphere boiled away until nothing remained of our planet but a shattered asteroid belt.
“Even the tiny, brutish mind of John Prescott recognised the danger posed by Gordon Brown,” he writes in today’s serialised excerpt in the Times. “Whenever Gordon was in the vicinity John would immediately adopt a submissive posture, allowing the domineering alpha-male chancellor to mark him with urine before meekly picking nits out of Gordon’s hair.”
“It’s no wonder Tony is still surrounded by bodyguards,” explained Lord Mandelson. “The current whereabouts of Gordon Brown are a complete mystery, and it’s entirely possible that he has retreated to some sort of secret base inside a hollowed-out volcano - possibly in the Orkneys or the Western Isles - from which he is, even now, moving inexorably towards the terrible fulfilment of his insane plans.”
“Or he could just come at him from a dark alley with a sledgehammer,” he added.
The former business secretary claims that Mr Blair broke down in tears at the mere mention of the chancellor’s name, sobbing that he often heard the agonised death-throes of garden songbirds as the sadistic Mr Brown gleefully tortured them next door in his chamber of horrors.
According to Lord Mandelson, Mr Blair once considered the idea of shuffling Mr Brown sideways to the Foreign Office - but feared the brooding arch-fiend would seize the opportunity to engineer a nuclear Armageddon, in which he could cackle maniacally as the ocean floors cracked asunder and the atmosphere boiled away until nothing remained of our planet but a shattered asteroid belt.
“Even the tiny, brutish mind of John Prescott recognised the danger posed by Gordon Brown,” he writes in today’s serialised excerpt in the Times. “Whenever Gordon was in the vicinity John would immediately adopt a submissive posture, allowing the domineering alpha-male chancellor to mark him with urine before meekly picking nits out of Gordon’s hair.”
“It’s no wonder Tony is still surrounded by bodyguards,” explained Lord Mandelson. “The current whereabouts of Gordon Brown are a complete mystery, and it’s entirely possible that he has retreated to some sort of secret base inside a hollowed-out volcano - possibly in the Orkneys or the Western Isles - from which he is, even now, moving inexorably towards the terrible fulfilment of his insane plans.”
“Or he could just come at him from a dark alley with a sledgehammer,” he added.
Friday, 29 January 2010
World Safer After Invasion of Poland, Insists Hitler
Giving evidence today at the long-delayed inquiry into the Second World War, former statesman Adolf Hitler insisted today that the terrible global conflict he started had in fact made the world a safer place.
"Look," he told the inquiry panel in a rare return to the living world, "The fact is, there was clear evidence that Poland had the ability to send horse troops across our borders within 45 minutes. I have no regrets about the decisions that were made at the time, acting on the best information available from the Minister for Propaganda, Dr Goebbels."
Mr Hitler denied that his chief objective in invading Poland was regime change, but declared defiantly that Poland had become a haven of peace and tranquility after the removal of President Mościcki.
"I am proud of the part I played in making sure that millions of Poles never had a care in the world again," he screamed.
Mr Hitler also scoffed at accusations that he had secretly made an agreement over the Polish issue with the Soviet leader, Josef Stalin.
"It was clear to me long before those talks that Poland represented a major threat to the safety of the world," he insisted. "Mr Stalin and I were both of the opinion that the dismembering of the Polish nation must be seen to be carried out strictly according to our view of the legal frameworks set out by the hated, ineffectual League of Nations."
"Believe me," he added, "Between us, we went through quite a lot of lawyers before we found one who was willing to agree with our interpretation of international law."
Throughout the questioning, Mr Hitler stoutly maintained his stance that the invasion was not carried out to bring about regime change, but to remove the terrible threat posed to the entire world by deadly Polish cavalry. He said he was personally disappointed that the world had been somewhat riven by disagreements following the invasion of Poland by German and Soviet troops, but promised that he would do it all again given half a chance.
As he left the hearing, grieving relatives of the 5,533,000 German soldiers who lost their lives as a result of the invasion of Poland shouted angrily at their unrepentant former leader as he was led back down to Hell, where he now holds a lucrative post on the board of directors.
"Look," he told the inquiry panel in a rare return to the living world, "The fact is, there was clear evidence that Poland had the ability to send horse troops across our borders within 45 minutes. I have no regrets about the decisions that were made at the time, acting on the best information available from the Minister for Propaganda, Dr Goebbels."
Mr Hitler denied that his chief objective in invading Poland was regime change, but declared defiantly that Poland had become a haven of peace and tranquility after the removal of President Mościcki.
"I am proud of the part I played in making sure that millions of Poles never had a care in the world again," he screamed.
Mr Hitler also scoffed at accusations that he had secretly made an agreement over the Polish issue with the Soviet leader, Josef Stalin.
"It was clear to me long before those talks that Poland represented a major threat to the safety of the world," he insisted. "Mr Stalin and I were both of the opinion that the dismembering of the Polish nation must be seen to be carried out strictly according to our view of the legal frameworks set out by the hated, ineffectual League of Nations."
"Believe me," he added, "Between us, we went through quite a lot of lawyers before we found one who was willing to agree with our interpretation of international law."
Throughout the questioning, Mr Hitler stoutly maintained his stance that the invasion was not carried out to bring about regime change, but to remove the terrible threat posed to the entire world by deadly Polish cavalry. He said he was personally disappointed that the world had been somewhat riven by disagreements following the invasion of Poland by German and Soviet troops, but promised that he would do it all again given half a chance.
As he left the hearing, grieving relatives of the 5,533,000 German soldiers who lost their lives as a result of the invasion of Poland shouted angrily at their unrepentant former leader as he was led back down to Hell, where he now holds a lucrative post on the board of directors.
Monday, 18 January 2010
Date Set For Blair's Record Bullshitting Attempt
Former PM Tony Blair will begin his attempt to smash the world record for bullshitting on January 29th, said a spokesman for the Chilcot Inquiry into events leading up to the 2003 invasion of Iraq.
Mr Blair already holds the record for Longest Sustained Bullshitting after 10 years and 57 days in office. However, he is hoping that, at some point during the 2-4 weeks he is expected to spend before the committee, he will also be able to snatch the crown for sheer quantity of bullshit delivered in one 24-hour period.
"Our test-run questioning of Alastair Campbell last week revealed defects in our bullshit-removal apparatus, after the wheelbarrow collapsed under the sheer weight of crap pouring out of Mr Blair's top advisor," said Mr Chilcot. "So we are installing a conveyor belt to deliver Mr Blair's crap straight into a fleet of waiting skips, which will deliver his reeking ordure straight to the front page of your daily paper every morning."
Mr Blair already holds the record for Longest Sustained Bullshitting after 10 years and 57 days in office. However, he is hoping that, at some point during the 2-4 weeks he is expected to spend before the committee, he will also be able to snatch the crown for sheer quantity of bullshit delivered in one 24-hour period.
"Our test-run questioning of Alastair Campbell last week revealed defects in our bullshit-removal apparatus, after the wheelbarrow collapsed under the sheer weight of crap pouring out of Mr Blair's top advisor," said Mr Chilcot. "So we are installing a conveyor belt to deliver Mr Blair's crap straight into a fleet of waiting skips, which will deliver his reeking ordure straight to the front page of your daily paper every morning."
Tuesday, 27 October 2009
World's Least Plausible Rumour Somehow More Plausible After Suspiciously Rapid Denial
Downing Street moved swiftly today to quash rumours that Gordon Brown had ordered two civil servants to lobby for European support for Tony Blair to become President of the EU.
"Gordon spent eight hate-filled years with his head wedged firmly up Blair's arse," said a head wonk at Number Ten. "Are you seriously expecting any living creature with even the most rudimentary nervous system to believe for a nanosecond that he could possibly want to go back to that? Look, there are starfish that wouldn't buy that one."
However, seasoned political commentators are hinting that the prime minister may be playing a longer game, hoping that the Czechs' delaying tactics will mean that a Conservative government will be running Britain by the time the Lisbon Treaty is finally implemented.
"If David Cameron is PM, imagine how pissed off he's going to be when Blair suddenly pops up and starts telling him what he can and can't do," said one observer. "That in itself would be a source of deep and lasting joy for Gordon. But it might be an astute political move, too. As time has passed, his low public profile means that people have largely forgotten what a complete and utter twat they thought Tony Blair was."
"After Gordon loses the election, he'll step down and some Blairite chimp will probably take the reins of the Labour Party," he continued. "Soon, Blair's grinning mug will be all over the news again on a daily basis, and in the eyes of the public Gordon's successor will be irreparably tainted by association. After a few years of lying low, Gordon will be able to launch a media blitz telling everyone how he never liked that ferret-faced power junkie Blair in the first place, forcing a leadership election which could well put him back in the driving seat just in time for the next general election."
"Welcome to the surreal world of post-modern politics," he added. "Imagine a boot stamping on your face, forever."
"Gordon spent eight hate-filled years with his head wedged firmly up Blair's arse," said a head wonk at Number Ten. "Are you seriously expecting any living creature with even the most rudimentary nervous system to believe for a nanosecond that he could possibly want to go back to that? Look, there are starfish that wouldn't buy that one."
However, seasoned political commentators are hinting that the prime minister may be playing a longer game, hoping that the Czechs' delaying tactics will mean that a Conservative government will be running Britain by the time the Lisbon Treaty is finally implemented.
"If David Cameron is PM, imagine how pissed off he's going to be when Blair suddenly pops up and starts telling him what he can and can't do," said one observer. "That in itself would be a source of deep and lasting joy for Gordon. But it might be an astute political move, too. As time has passed, his low public profile means that people have largely forgotten what a complete and utter twat they thought Tony Blair was."
"After Gordon loses the election, he'll step down and some Blairite chimp will probably take the reins of the Labour Party," he continued. "Soon, Blair's grinning mug will be all over the news again on a daily basis, and in the eyes of the public Gordon's successor will be irreparably tainted by association. After a few years of lying low, Gordon will be able to launch a media blitz telling everyone how he never liked that ferret-faced power junkie Blair in the first place, forcing a leadership election which could well put him back in the driving seat just in time for the next general election."
"Welcome to the surreal world of post-modern politics," he added. "Imagine a boot stamping on your face, forever."
Friday, 2 October 2009
Would Tony Blair Really Want To Be Awarded Unquestioned Mastery of 500 Million People?
As voters in the Irish Republic flock to the polls to say whether they would prefer to be ruled by a gang of corrupt European thieves rather than the home-grown variety, Tony Blair is maintaining an enigmatic silence over media speculation that he is to be handed the job of Supreme Ruler of Europe on a plate.
"The last time the Irish electorate was allowed to accept the wonderful Lisbon Treaty, the silly sods voted 'no' instead of 'yes'," said an European official with a blank mask of skin where a face should be. "This time the ballot paper has been simplified. Voters can vote 'right' or 'wrong' - 'right' meaning they want the treaty and 'wrong' meaning they realise they made a ghastly mistake last time they voted."
Tony Blair, meanwhile, will also be offered the opportunity to vote on whether he wants to be made President of Europe, with expanded, wide-ranging powers whose exact nature is buried so deep within the 30 million pages of the Lisbon treaty that several teams of researchers have been reported lost without trace.
It is thought that, despite earning millions a year telling two international banking conglomerates that labour costs in the developing world are attractively cheap, reaping a fortune on the US lecture circuit by telling wealthy people whatever they want to hear and running a foundation which urges everyone to accept without question the absolute authority of a remote, all-powerful being over all aspects of their everyday lives, Mr Blair might be feeling a little nostalgic for the days when he could turn on the television and see his smug, beaming face spouting a never-ending stream of empty platitudes, morning, noon and night.
Cherie Blair, meanwhile, is said to be occupying her time in between well-rewarded court appearances by doodling designs for an imposing costume on the back of legal documents - often including such understated elements as croziers, shiny black uniforms, gold-embroidered robes and jewel-encrusted crowns.
"The last time the Irish electorate was allowed to accept the wonderful Lisbon Treaty, the silly sods voted 'no' instead of 'yes'," said an European official with a blank mask of skin where a face should be. "This time the ballot paper has been simplified. Voters can vote 'right' or 'wrong' - 'right' meaning they want the treaty and 'wrong' meaning they realise they made a ghastly mistake last time they voted."
Tony Blair, meanwhile, will also be offered the opportunity to vote on whether he wants to be made President of Europe, with expanded, wide-ranging powers whose exact nature is buried so deep within the 30 million pages of the Lisbon treaty that several teams of researchers have been reported lost without trace.
It is thought that, despite earning millions a year telling two international banking conglomerates that labour costs in the developing world are attractively cheap, reaping a fortune on the US lecture circuit by telling wealthy people whatever they want to hear and running a foundation which urges everyone to accept without question the absolute authority of a remote, all-powerful being over all aspects of their everyday lives, Mr Blair might be feeling a little nostalgic for the days when he could turn on the television and see his smug, beaming face spouting a never-ending stream of empty platitudes, morning, noon and night.
Cherie Blair, meanwhile, is said to be occupying her time in between well-rewarded court appearances by doodling designs for an imposing costume on the back of legal documents - often including such understated elements as croziers, shiny black uniforms, gold-embroidered robes and jewel-encrusted crowns.
Thursday, 30 July 2009
Iraq Inquiry Will Be In-Depth, Promises Chairman
The long-awaited Iraq Inquiry was finally launched today, with chairman Sir John Chilout announcing that he would not shirk from asking the most important questions, such as "Where is it?", "What is the food like?" and "What is the capital of Iraq? Is it a) Tel Aviv? b) Baghdad? c) Mexico City? or d) Weston-super-Mare? Call 09016 161609. Calls should cost no more than 35p from a landline. Calls from mobiles may cost considerably more."
Sir John said the hearings would be "as open as possible", but some hearings would be held in private, in case Tony Blair accidentally let slip that British troops were dying in a never-ending war they cannot hope to win because he was too gutless to stand up to George W Bush - which could well lead to the total collapse of civil authority in Britain if it became known, and would probably lead in short order to the nation being invaded and subjugated by crazy bearded mullahs wearing explosive belts and forcing surviving Britons to learn the Koran by heart or have their hands cut off.
While the inquiry would mainly cover the last eight years, added Sir John, it would also be put into an historical context.
"We will be investigating reports that the problems stem from the ambitions of Babylon, which seems to have been founded in ancient Mesopotamia - roughly corresponding to modern Iraq - by Sargon of Akkad, about 35 centuries ago," he explained. "When his successor, Hammurabi, created the first code of laws, things appeared to calm down a bit. However, revolts during the reign of Sennacherib of Assyria swiftly led to the destruction of Babylon. Although the city was rebuilt, its subsequent part in the revolt against Ashurbanipal led to its 'purification'."
"All of this seems highly relevant to recent events, and I shall be calling all of these persons to testify before the committee in due course," said Sir John. "I am, of course, determined to avoid a long drawn-out inquiry, and fully expect to publish my findings in my lifetime."
Sir John said the hearings would be "as open as possible", but some hearings would be held in private, in case Tony Blair accidentally let slip that British troops were dying in a never-ending war they cannot hope to win because he was too gutless to stand up to George W Bush - which could well lead to the total collapse of civil authority in Britain if it became known, and would probably lead in short order to the nation being invaded and subjugated by crazy bearded mullahs wearing explosive belts and forcing surviving Britons to learn the Koran by heart or have their hands cut off.
While the inquiry would mainly cover the last eight years, added Sir John, it would also be put into an historical context.
"We will be investigating reports that the problems stem from the ambitions of Babylon, which seems to have been founded in ancient Mesopotamia - roughly corresponding to modern Iraq - by Sargon of Akkad, about 35 centuries ago," he explained. "When his successor, Hammurabi, created the first code of laws, things appeared to calm down a bit. However, revolts during the reign of Sennacherib of Assyria swiftly led to the destruction of Babylon. Although the city was rebuilt, its subsequent part in the revolt against Ashurbanipal led to its 'purification'."
"All of this seems highly relevant to recent events, and I shall be calling all of these persons to testify before the committee in due course," said Sir John. "I am, of course, determined to avoid a long drawn-out inquiry, and fully expect to publish my findings in my lifetime."
Thursday, 16 July 2009
Cherie Diagnosed With Swine Flu: Parties Held Across Britain
Swine flu parties are being held from Penzance to John O'Groats today, after it emerged that Cherie Booth QC had pulled out of an honorary degree award ceremony at Liverpool Hope University after allegedly being diagnosed with the H1N1 virus.
Although it is reported that her husband, ex-PM Tony Blair, is so far exhibiting no signs of infection, millions of ordinary people clearly feel it is only a matter of time, and have spent the day setting up trestle tables in their streets and drinking to his imminent ill-health.
Mr Blair's impending battle with a potential killer disease comes hot on the heels of an announcement by Baroness Kinnock that the architect of 21st-century Britain, bringer of peace to the Middle East, economic guru to the world's top banks and intermediary between God and the Pope is to be the UK's preferred candidate for the presidency of the European Union.
"Tony Blair's candidacy should take some of the heat off the prime minister," announced the Minister for Europe. "People are blaming Gordon for the loss of their jobs, the rising price of everything, the unnecessary deaths of our troops in Afghanistan and national bankruptcy for the rest of their children's lives. But when Tony appears on their screens, grinning like a wanking chimp as usual, hopefully they will remember who set the ball rolling in the first place, only to shamelessly jump ship and line his own pockets the moment he realised the jig was up."
Mr Blair's spokesman, however, pointed out that the job of EU president does not actually exist, will not exist unless all countries adopt the Lisbon Treaty and if it ever does exist will almost certainly not pay him enough to get out of bed.
"Ah-choo," he added.
Although it is reported that her husband, ex-PM Tony Blair, is so far exhibiting no signs of infection, millions of ordinary people clearly feel it is only a matter of time, and have spent the day setting up trestle tables in their streets and drinking to his imminent ill-health.
Mr Blair's impending battle with a potential killer disease comes hot on the heels of an announcement by Baroness Kinnock that the architect of 21st-century Britain, bringer of peace to the Middle East, economic guru to the world's top banks and intermediary between God and the Pope is to be the UK's preferred candidate for the presidency of the European Union.
"Tony Blair's candidacy should take some of the heat off the prime minister," announced the Minister for Europe. "People are blaming Gordon for the loss of their jobs, the rising price of everything, the unnecessary deaths of our troops in Afghanistan and national bankruptcy for the rest of their children's lives. But when Tony appears on their screens, grinning like a wanking chimp as usual, hopefully they will remember who set the ball rolling in the first place, only to shamelessly jump ship and line his own pockets the moment he realised the jig was up."
Mr Blair's spokesman, however, pointed out that the job of EU president does not actually exist, will not exist unless all countries adopt the Lisbon Treaty and if it ever does exist will almost certainly not pay him enough to get out of bed.
"Ah-choo," he added.
Friday, 3 July 2009
Huge Queues Form At Top Gyms
Exclusive health clubs in London have been beseiged by applications for membership, following Tony Blair's appearance at an awards ceremony sporting a black eye which his former publicist Alistair Campbell later said the former prime minister had received in the gym.
Mr Blair's movements are a closely-guarded secret as, for some reason, a lot of people want to hurt him badly. However, members of the public eager to tell him what they think of his New Labour project now it approaches its natural conclusion have been organising themselves into teams, covering every possible location where Mr Blair might conceivably spend ten minutes on a Nautilus.
Although prices at top people's health clubs are kept astronomically high to keep out the riff-raff, devastated communities are clubbing together to pay for three-month trial memberships for long-term unemployed men, who will cover each gym in shifts, hanging around the hot tubs and plunge pools until one of them spots Mr Blair - at which point they are expected to twat him severely, on behalf of everyone back home.
"Of course, the smarmy little shit could just avoid gyms for a while," admitted a former Rover worker from the Midlands. "But we're relying on his colossal vanity to drive him back into his exercise regime the moment he finds himself having to breathe in a bit to button his trousers."
"Funnily enough, although we haven't spotted Blair yet, several of our scouts in different locations have noticed Gordon Brown skulking about with his arse out the back of a threadbare towel, apparently with the same intention in mind," he added. "If you see him limping about nursing his bollocks - that was us."
Mr Blair's movements are a closely-guarded secret as, for some reason, a lot of people want to hurt him badly. However, members of the public eager to tell him what they think of his New Labour project now it approaches its natural conclusion have been organising themselves into teams, covering every possible location where Mr Blair might conceivably spend ten minutes on a Nautilus.
Although prices at top people's health clubs are kept astronomically high to keep out the riff-raff, devastated communities are clubbing together to pay for three-month trial memberships for long-term unemployed men, who will cover each gym in shifts, hanging around the hot tubs and plunge pools until one of them spots Mr Blair - at which point they are expected to twat him severely, on behalf of everyone back home.
"Of course, the smarmy little shit could just avoid gyms for a while," admitted a former Rover worker from the Midlands. "But we're relying on his colossal vanity to drive him back into his exercise regime the moment he finds himself having to breathe in a bit to button his trousers."
"Funnily enough, although we haven't spotted Blair yet, several of our scouts in different locations have noticed Gordon Brown skulking about with his arse out the back of a threadbare towel, apparently with the same intention in mind," he added. "If you see him limping about nursing his bollocks - that was us."
Sunday, 1 March 2009
Blair Discovers Gaza
The Middle East peace envoy, Tony Blair, triumphantly announced that 62 years of bitter conflict were now at an end, after he finally found out where and what Gaza was and spent five minutes there.
The former Prime Minister - who has spent almost two frustrating years peering at an AA map and asking directions from passers-by - stepped gingerly across the border at an armed Israeli checkpoint yesterday.
For the first three minutes he kept jumping nervously back into Israeli territory within a few seconds - but he finally summoned up the courage to take a few hesitant steps into Gaza itself. Encouraged by the cheerful laughter of the Israeli border guards, he tried shouting, "Hello, I'm Tony Blair and I've brought you some peace!" to a Palestinian youth who was spraying graffiti on the massive concrete wall which seals off the Palestinian territory from the outside world - but the youngster immediately dropped his can of paint and ran away.
Mr Blair then said hello to a scrawny goat, which looked up apathetically and wandered off to look for more weeds. Somewhere in the distance a lorry backfired, and the Middle East peace envoy hurriedly leapt back into the safety of Israel, his historic peace mission fulfilled at last.
"I have reached out to the Palestinian community, and held talks at all levels," Mr Blair later told a press conference, after a change of trousers. "Apart from Hamas, of course, who I am told are very bad people. I can now confirm, having been there and seen for myself, that Gaza is a very peaceful place indeed and I didn't see a single Palestinian blow themselves up, or be blown up by the peace-loving armed forces of Israel, in all the time I spent there."
An Israeli general sitting next to Mr Blair then whispered something in his ear.
"Oh. Apparently I had talks with a representative of Hamas, too," he went on. "Well done, me. Er... was that the street artist or the goat?"
Mr Blair concluded the press conference by saying that he looked forward to being appointed peace envoy to Great Britain, which he thought was the next most likely trouble-spot to kick off.
"Apparently the people of that far-off, benighted land are in the grip of some appalling power-crazed madman with no mandate to govern, who is threatening to unleash his murderous police forces at any moment upon the long-suffering population of his bankrupt country," he told the world's press. "How on earth do such tyrants arise? Surely somebody ought to have stopped him years ago, when they had the chance."
The former Prime Minister - who has spent almost two frustrating years peering at an AA map and asking directions from passers-by - stepped gingerly across the border at an armed Israeli checkpoint yesterday.
For the first three minutes he kept jumping nervously back into Israeli territory within a few seconds - but he finally summoned up the courage to take a few hesitant steps into Gaza itself. Encouraged by the cheerful laughter of the Israeli border guards, he tried shouting, "Hello, I'm Tony Blair and I've brought you some peace!" to a Palestinian youth who was spraying graffiti on the massive concrete wall which seals off the Palestinian territory from the outside world - but the youngster immediately dropped his can of paint and ran away.
Mr Blair then said hello to a scrawny goat, which looked up apathetically and wandered off to look for more weeds. Somewhere in the distance a lorry backfired, and the Middle East peace envoy hurriedly leapt back into the safety of Israel, his historic peace mission fulfilled at last.
"I have reached out to the Palestinian community, and held talks at all levels," Mr Blair later told a press conference, after a change of trousers. "Apart from Hamas, of course, who I am told are very bad people. I can now confirm, having been there and seen for myself, that Gaza is a very peaceful place indeed and I didn't see a single Palestinian blow themselves up, or be blown up by the peace-loving armed forces of Israel, in all the time I spent there."
An Israeli general sitting next to Mr Blair then whispered something in his ear.
"Oh. Apparently I had talks with a representative of Hamas, too," he went on. "Well done, me. Er... was that the street artist or the goat?"
Mr Blair concluded the press conference by saying that he looked forward to being appointed peace envoy to Great Britain, which he thought was the next most likely trouble-spot to kick off.
"Apparently the people of that far-off, benighted land are in the grip of some appalling power-crazed madman with no mandate to govern, who is threatening to unleash his murderous police forces at any moment upon the long-suffering population of his bankrupt country," he told the world's press. "How on earth do such tyrants arise? Surely somebody ought to have stopped him years ago, when they had the chance."
Tuesday, 24 February 2009
'If We Told Britain The Truth, Your Heads Would Explode,' Warns Straw
If the minutes of Cabinet meetings held prior to the invasion of Iraq in 2003 were to be made public, then the British Isles would undoubtedly crumble into dust in an instant, warned the Justice Secretary, Jack Straw.
The Information Tribunal ruled last month that the details of ministerial discussions should be published, with what it called "exceptional" public interest outweighing any concerns the government may have about confidentiality. The ruling upheld a previous call from the Information Commissioner to publish the minutes under the Freedom of Information Act.
However, Mr Straw said that doing so would risk "serious damage to Cabinet government", which he called "an essential principle of British democracy", and announced that, for the first time, the government was using the ministerial veto.
When asked by reporters whether he was not, in effect, claiming that cover-ups and unaccountability were in some way to be regarded as the core values of open, democratic governance, Mr Straw theatrically looked at his watch and dived head-first down a rabbit-hole.
Unfortunately, the minister's great big stupid head became firmly wedged in the hole, preventing his escape. Political hacks were quick to remove his shoes and socks, and after tickling his feet for several minutes they elicited a muffled admission from Mr Straw that what he really meant was that if the minutes should ever be released, the public might jump to the erroneous conclusion - based on the over-simplistic method of reading the words - that Tony Blair simply told a servile bunch of toadying creeps that he was going to cover himself in glory in a quick, easy war, and they fell over themselves in the rush to kiss his arse.
The Information Tribunal ruled last month that the details of ministerial discussions should be published, with what it called "exceptional" public interest outweighing any concerns the government may have about confidentiality. The ruling upheld a previous call from the Information Commissioner to publish the minutes under the Freedom of Information Act.
However, Mr Straw said that doing so would risk "serious damage to Cabinet government", which he called "an essential principle of British democracy", and announced that, for the first time, the government was using the ministerial veto.
When asked by reporters whether he was not, in effect, claiming that cover-ups and unaccountability were in some way to be regarded as the core values of open, democratic governance, Mr Straw theatrically looked at his watch and dived head-first down a rabbit-hole.
Unfortunately, the minister's great big stupid head became firmly wedged in the hole, preventing his escape. Political hacks were quick to remove his shoes and socks, and after tickling his feet for several minutes they elicited a muffled admission from Mr Straw that what he really meant was that if the minutes should ever be released, the public might jump to the erroneous conclusion - based on the over-simplistic method of reading the words - that Tony Blair simply told a servile bunch of toadying creeps that he was going to cover himself in glory in a quick, easy war, and they fell over themselves in the rush to kiss his arse.
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