Cameron To Resurrect Nimrod AEW For Carrier Fleet

After years of indecision about which version of the F-35 fighter – the one that melts a hole in the deck, or the one that will merely fall off the end of it - is worst suited to Britain’s future aircraft carrier fleet, David Cameron today shackled the nation to everlasting penury by reordering the notorious Nimrod AEW Mk3 for the Fleet Air Arm instead.

“The AEW Nimrod project was one of the most colossal wastes of time, money and effort in aviation history,” commented the Nev Filter’s resident plane-spotter, Neville Mann. “To this day, nobody knows just how much of Britain's dwindling post-war wealth was flung into a bottomless pit by successive governments as British Aerospace and Ferranti executives grinned like wanking Japs every year and promised to shoehorn a sodding great Boeing E-3 into a second-hand airliner half its size, if they could just have one more teeny-weeny blank cheque.”

Best of all, it guarantees British jobs

While the Royal Navy has no operational requirement for a massive airborne early warning system, since the MoD ended up buying the Boeings they could have been operating for 17 years, Mr Cameron has been reassured by eager BAe chiefs that it is entirely possible to hang a missile off each wing and pretend the bulbous, sluggish white elephant represents the last word in air superiority. Other critical missions for which the lumbering money sink can be readily adapted include wallowing along at zero feet whilst redundant AEW sysops lob hand grenades through the nosewheel bay, keeping BAe executives in the luxury to which they are accustomed, and exploding in mid-air, killing everyone on board.

“Of course, there may be minor teething problems in that, with a wingspan of 115ft and tipping the scales at 85 tonnes, the Nimrod is totally incapable of operating from our carriers,” conceded Mr Cameron. “Then again, nor is the F-35. But the important thing that the taxpayer needs to keep in mind is that the Nimrod is, of course, 100% British.”

“In fact, BAe have just emailed me to say it’s now 1000% British,” he added proudly.

MoD Fails To Take Into Account Servicability Of Lifts In Council Tower Blocks

Put it in the park instead

Angry residents in Tower Hamlets have warned the Ministry of Defence that any surface-to-air missiles they try to install on the roofs of council apartment blocks for the duration of the Olympics will have to be carried up the stairs as the lifts aren’t working, and will almost certainly be nicked by those toerags on the fifth floor and sold for drugs.

“I don’t have any idea what the current street value of a Starstreak missile is,” said local resident Bob Wilcox, 81, “But I bet the local gangs would be delighted to point a couple at anyone else who tries dealing on their turf.”

An MoD spokesman assured residents that any High Velocity Missiles stationed on Tower Hamlets rooftops would be lowered into place by nice, quiet Chinook helicopters.

“Besides, the piss-laden stench of the stairwells would corrode the electronics something chronic,” he added. “Nobody wants our tracking systems to identify a sprinter as a rapid incoming threat, lock on and blow them sky high. Why, if they weren’t members of Team GB, we could be accused of cheating.”

USS Enterprise Not To Be Fully Operational Until 23rd Century, Admits Starfleet

USS Enterprise and USS Spare Parts - the two sleek starships currently under construction for Starfleet - will have to wait until the invention of faster-than-light propulsion systems, space weapons systems, force fields, matter transportation and artificial gravity generators before they can be considered fully operational, Starfleet’s Intergalactic Accounts Committee admitted today.

At least they'll be able to watch 200 years of footy in Dolby Surround

Nevertheless, the Federation remains fully committed to completing the two empty shells, training a full complement of crew to shout ‘Bang’ and fall over a lot until futuristic new technologies are discovered which might enable a starship to actually carry out any ongoing missions.

Project manager Captain James T Kirk remains optimistic, however, that the hollow hulks will look sufficiently impressive to deter attacks from any alien heavy metal psychopaths or space whales who might seek to destroy planet Earth.

“We’ve already… fitted the Enterprise with a state-of-the… art plasma TV screen,” he blurted, “And I’ve asked my chief… engineer to… draw up plans to… get us to… the edge of… space - the final frontier - under a great big balloon. Winch me up, Scotty.”

“Ye cannae change the laws of physics,” observed a dour Commander Montgomery Scott.

“Laws of physics,” he added, “Jim.”

Defence Secretary Farce To Transfer To West End

The farcical embarrassment of defence secretary Dr Liam Rix is set for a long run on the West End stage as soon as its Westminster run comes to an end, according to Conservative Party promoters.

The defence secretary hails a taxi

“Every time Liam tries to protest his innocence, his trousers fall down!” guffawed fan David Cameron, with tears in his eyes. “The scene where the chief of staff - Sir Jock Strap, ho ho - catches him on his knees, trousers at half mast, desperately trying to push a sheepdog into an MoD stationery cupboard brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.”

“How I chuckled at Liam’s reddening cheeks, as he struggled to give a straight-laced hotel manager in Dubai a perfectly innocent explanation of why his ‘best man’ was fumbling around in his government-issue y-fronts with a rubber truncheon!” giggled the prime minister at the tribulations of his hapless neo-conservative defence secretary. “And when the police came round to investigate a burglary at his flat, while his long-suffering wife was away, only to discover a naked bloke hiding in a wardrobe - well, I nearly fell out of my chair!”

Ribald critics, however, are suggesting that the farce’s popular run in the papers will undoubtedly end very soon - possibly before the end of the week – to make room for more traditional bedroom hilarity from the acknowledged master of the genre, Boris Johnson.

Fox Orders Investigation To Tell Him Why He Keeps Inviting His Mate Along To Sensitive Defence Meetings

Swivel-eyed defence secretary Dr Liam Fox has ordered an official investigation to tell him why on earth he keeps inviting the best man at his wedding along to important defence meetings and foreign trips, after it emerged that Adam Werrity-Dodgity – who has no security clearance - has tagged along for 14 top-level meetings at the MoD headquarters and was handing out House of Commons business cards claiming to be Dr Fox’s advisor during his official visit to Sri Lanka.

Mr Werrity-Dodgity has been reluctant to give interviews

By sheer coincidence Mr Werrity-Dodgity - a former flatmate of Dr Fox - also happened to be the sole employee of Atlantic Bridge, a right-wing organisation set up by the defence secretary with Baroness Thatcher as its patron, whose purpose was to foster close links between leading neo-conservatives on both sides of the Atlantic, and which was shut down last month by the Charities Commission following a deeply critical investigation into its activities.

“Right now, I simply haven’t the faintest idea why I keep Mr Werrity-Dodgity closer to me than my own shadow,” explained Dr Fox, sweating heavily. “I am rather hoping that this top-level internal inquiry will come up with something plausible.”

He then terminated the interview somewhat abruptly, pointing to the sky and shouting “look at that interesting thing” before running away and diving head-first into a black Cadillac with darkened windows, which happened to be driving slowly by with its back door open.

MoD Confident Taleban Will Agree To Attack Only On Saturdays

The Ministry of Defence has high hopes that the Taleban can be prevailed upon to leave British bases and convoys in Afghanistan alone from Mondays to Fridays, opined Dr Liam Fox today as he unveiled plans to close down Britain’s increasingly unaffordable army and replace it with the weekend warriors of the Territorial Army.

There may be a few savings on equipment, too

“Thanks to the Labour government, not only do we lose an investment of tens of thousands of pounds in training every time a British soldier is blown apart, we now have to pay their WAGs a bloody fortune,” complained the swivel-eyed defence secretary. “Even if the buggers spend their entire tour of duty just lying there in their tents playing with themselves, we’re paying them double combat pay. Well, sod that for a game of soldiers - or ‘Join The Territorial Army’, as we call it.”

Dr Fox stressed the advantages of part-time warfare as being particularly suitable for hideously-unqualified single parents now being forced into Jobcentres once their youngest child turns 8, as well as the self-obsessed karate kids at Currys who have traditionally formed the core recruitment of the TA.

On other fronts, the RAFVR will give French pilots the weekend off as they bravely soar their gliders over Libya, looking up the symbol for a bunker on their Thomas Cook maps, while the Royal Naval Reserve will heroically steer Britain’s nuclear hunter/killer submarine fleet on sightseeing trips round Plymouth Sound.

Collectors Excited By New No-Fly Top Trumps Helicopters

Little boys are enthusiastically snapping up the latest long-awaited release in the popular No-Fly Top Trumps card game, eager to trump Libyan motorists’ knackered old bangers even harder with the British Army’s Apache attack helicopter and their French counterparts’ significantly cheaper SA342 Gazelle.

“OK, so the British-built Apache was only ordered years after the original version went into service with the US Army, and yes, it may have taken the army six years to make the radio work properly and stop bits falling off every time it fired a missile,” gushed keen little military hardware enthusiast Tommy Wilkins, 48, who pretends he is a national newspaper's resident expert on defence matters. “But its impressive £64m unit cost makes the bargain-basement Gazelle look really silly.”

You can almost feel their throbbing power

“Oh, poo,” he cried in disappointment, as he unwrapped his shiny new cards. “Cost isn’t on there.”

MoD Insists £126m Each For 160 Cold War Fighters Is Excellent Use Of Bankrupt Nation’s Overdraft

The Public Accounts Committee’s doubts about the £20bn cost of 160 Typhoon fighters - designed in the 80s for the sole purpose of rushing RAF officers into the stratosphere to wave at ancient Soviet reconnaissance bombers – were met with open-mouthed incredulity at the Ministry of Defence today.

“The Typhoon is proving its value in Libya even as I speak, where every day our plucky flyboys are getting closer to working out which of the blips its radar positively identifies as a stonking great Russian bomber is actually one of Gaddafi’s rusty tanks and which is just some chicken-farmer feeding his hens,” insisted defence secretary Dr Liam Fox. “Well, that’s what they do when there’s enough string to stop all the important bits falling off, anyway.”

If it ends the fear of Zeppelins, it's worth every penny

Meanwhile, potential overseas buyers were having huge fun watching the £126m interceptors to see if they can carry out ground-attack missions half as well as the far cheaper multi-role F-16s the Americans sold them 30 years ago.

Defence experts are wondering what the PAC will have to say when it finds out about the MoD’s other pet projects which are running late and over budget, such as Nellie the self-propelled trench excavator, the Pemberton-Billing anti-Zeppelin quadruplane and Champion the robo-horse.

Air Chief Marshal Demanding Pound For Cup Of Aviation Fuel

Cup of fuel, my arse

Ministers and staff at the Ministry of Defence have been warned by police not to hand over any money if approached by a suspiciously chummy Air Chief Marshal, whose ploy is to greet them like an old friend fallen on hard times and beg a pound for a cup of fuel “for his little boys, who are far away from home.”

“Don’t feel any pity for this deceitful addict,” urged Metropolitan Police commissioner Sir Kim Jong-Stephenson. “He is well known to us. His name is Sir Stephen Dalton, and he won’t spend any money you give him on fuel at all. He’ll just go straight to one of his arms dealers and hit them with an order for another pointless weapons platform, tragically hoping to shoot up Cold War bombers.”

MoD Places £12bn Order For Tinfoil Hats

The XM-32 has been extensively field-tested

Swivel-eyed defence secretary Dr Liam Fox announced today that, in response to PM David Cameron’s instructions to prevent further embarrassing leaks from his department, he has placed an order worth £12bn with British Aerospace to ensure that all members of the armed forces and civil servants at the Ministry of Defence will be issued with a tinfoil hat.

“These BAe hats represent the cutting edge of mind-reading prevention technology,” wrote Dr Fox, in a Most Classified memo to Mr Cameron which he faxed to every newsroom in the country. “I have been wearing one since 1998, following the expert advice of my top military advisor, David Icke, and I can safely say that nobody on or off earth – including myself – has the faintest idea of what goes on inside my head.”

When editors rang the top secret hotline number listed in the memo to query the excessive cost of providing Bacofoil, Dr Fox responded: “All tenders for MoD contracts undergo rigorous scrutiny by leading experts in the fields of dowsing, alien forensics and numerology. BAe beat off highly competitive bids from Raytheon, Thales and Asda, incidentally providing work for up to 100,000 British workers, living and dead.”

“Although Asda provided the lowest competitive tender, at £3.50 per 30m roll,” he explained, “Their bid was automatically disqualified, because they are not on the list of preferred bidders for defence contracts.”

“Between you, me and the gatepost, the real reason for Asda’s exclusion is that their owner, Wal-Mart – the largest corporation in the world – is secretly run by the Illuminati,” he revealed conspiratorially, by flashing the message from a blimp tethered over central London.

British Barracks Echo To Sound Of Sobbing

Sorry lads, the divisional sock will still be empty

British military personnel spend an average of eight hours a day crying inconsolably over the government’s defence cuts, the Ministry of Defence admitted today in a tear-stained report on morale.

“Nothing brightens a soldier’s day like seeing a Harrier jump-jet bouncing gaily about,” according to the leaked document, which claims that the issuing of Kerchiefs, Hand, L2A2 (White) by quartermasters has seen a fifty-fold increase since the publication of the Strategic Defence And Security Review, “And Jack Tar is not so jolly either, after being told that one of the shiny new floating playgrounds he was promised is going to be put away in the attic, still in its original packaging, and he’ll have to share the other with smelly French boys.”

“We’ve told our boys and girls that they’ll just have to be brave and make do with fewer toys,” commented distraught defence chief Sir David Richards. “I’ve tried to explain to them that new toys cost an awful lot of money, but they don’t really understand. It’s so hard when I see the tears welling up in their eyes. I want to give them all a big, big hug and tell them to write to Santa Fox telling him they’ve been good, but it’s just giving them false hope.”

Prime minister David Cameron has called the recent spate of leaks ‘worrying’, although defence correspondents are unable to ascertain whether he is referring to MoD documents or sniffling squaddies.

Expert Skier Blasts MoD For Churlishly Demanding Blast Tests On Blast-Proof Vehicles

It looks like a Tonka toy, says the Duke, and they're jolly tough

Prince Andrew, the Duke of York – one of the world’s leading amateur experts on golf, skiing and polo – has launched a withering broadside at MoD officials for tiresomely demanding blast tests on a bomb-proof vehicle.

During a visit to the Universal Engineering factory in Dorset which makes the Ranger, the prince suddenly exploded without warning.

“I say, why do they need to do blast tests?” he burst out during an agreeable lunch. “It’s just increasing the cost.”

“Now look here, these bloody nice chaps here assure me that this chunky-looking thingy they make here really is a pretty tough sort of customer,” he spluttered indignantly. “Well, that’s good enough for me, so it jolly well ought to be good enough for those twerps at the MoD. They ought to get off their fat backsides and order a couple of thousand off these fellows right away, if you ask me.”

Prince Andrew added that, in his capacity as a trade ambassador for Britain, he had met thousands of businessmen for lunch and trusted every single one of them.

“All the gifts they’ve given me over the years seemed to work splendidly,” he chortled as his glass was refilled. “And why wouldn’t they? Nobody ever made money from selling rubbish.”

“I flew a helicopter in the Falklands, you know,” he added, between mouthfuls. “So I think I know whereof I speak, thank you.”

A second-hand car dealer in Liverpool subsequently invited the Duke of York to share a ploughman’s with him in his local, saying he can have a couple of dozen low-mileage Micras with a sheet of boiler plate welded to the floorpan ready in a week if they get the royal seal of approval.

Fox Tasks RAF Nimrod Fleet To Trace Leak

A furious Dr Liam Fox today warned that the source of the leaked letter he sent to David Cameron would be mercilessly hunted down by Nimrod reconnaissance aircraft and destroyed by RAF Tornados which he was temporarily diverting from their essential task of keeping the sky up.

In his imaginatively-illustrated letter, Dr Fox had warned the prime minister that any attempted dilution of Britain’s offensive defence capabilities would leave him no option but to press every button in his office, including the big red one labelled ‘DO NOT PRESS’ which was screwed into the top of his head when he became defence secretary.

“It’s appalling that a secretary of state can’t threaten the prime minister with Armageddon in confidence,” he thundered. “I am therefore sending a crack squad of specially trained Royal Marine commandos into Downing Street to unmask any reptilian infiltrators by waving juicy, succulent insects in front of them and shooting anyone who grasps them with a long, sticky tongue.”

Admirals have been arguing forcefully that if Britain does not have a minimum of two shiny through-deck aircraft carriers – as, indeed, it has not since 1982 – then every man, woman and child alive today will undoubtedly find a screaming jihadist bursting into their bathroom in the middle of their ablutions and blasting them and their lavatory to kingdom come.

Meanwhile, Army chiefs warned that troops were getting dangerously bored with their existing tanks, pointing out that the Challenger 2 is much the same as the Challenger 1, which itself looked quite like the old Chieftain.

And senior RAF sources have warned that, without hundreds of new Typhoon interceptors racing up to 35,000m and back down again on a round-the-clock basis to check the sky for leaks, then they will simply have no option but to keep sending Tornados to do the job, and then the terrorists would have won.

Dr Fox is always listening for ant activity

“But the immediate threat to the British way of life is not exploding Moslems, nosy Russian relics from the fifties, shape-changing lizard men, awakening krakens or the growing ant army lurking beneath our feet,” bellowed Dr Fox from under his desk. “No, the greatest danger facing Britain today is the general public finding out what I’m thinking. Although I have taken the precaution of adding an extra layer of bacofoil to my trusty psionic shield helmet, there is always the danger that I may commit my thoughts to paper. Therefore I will be urging to prime minister to mount a surgical strike on the MoD stationery cupboard at the earliest opportunity, with full air and naval support.”

“Wibble,” he added.

MoD Unveils Reassuringly Expensive McLaren-Designed Alternative To Buying Back 55-Year-Old Humber Pig

Proud defence chiefs smiled indulgently today as they proudly revealed the brand-new £500,000 Sex Potto, the long-awaited replacement for the much-criticised Snatch Land Rover.

For a measly three grand you deffo won't get an iPod dock

“The McLaren-engineered Sex Potto fought off stiff competition from the Jaguar Fanny Magnet, the Massey-Ferguson Quim Tractor and Ferrari’s Sucky-Fucky Gibbon,” beamed Captain James May of the Royal Off-Road Corps. “You see, old boy, the clever trick was to make the underbody V-shaped - blast goes sideways, not straight up your arse. Dashed clever, these boy-racer johnnies, what?”

“Of course, every crank came out of the woodwork as usual when we were scouting for new toys,” he snorted derisively. “We even got a letter from a batty old retired sergeant-major, suggesting that if the old Humber Pig’s armoured floor was IRA pipebomb-proof, it just might be towel-head improvised explosive device-proof too. Pshaw!”

“I ask you,” he slurred, spilling a triple G&T down his combat fatigues, “Would the great British Sun-reading public be satisfied to see their beloved soldier boys rattling around in a cranky old grid we flogged to Idi Amin donkey’s years ago, that we bagged on eBay for three grand including postage and packing? I rather think not! Only the best, what?”

“We did think about taking out a licence to put the trusty old Sd.Kfz.222 back into production, actually,” he added. “But then Buffy fforbes-Hamilton pointed out that pootling round the Middle East in Nazi armoured cars might not quite match the media profile we’re striving to promote.”

This Sex Potto is halfway to becoming a god knows what

Captain May also stressed that the Sex Potto was especially easy to take apart and put back together again in a variety of imaginative configurations, vitally giving bored British troops something to do whilst twiddling their thumbs, stuck inside a dismal compound in the dusty Afghan hinterland. Royal Engineers have already drawn instructions for a speedboat, a tipper truck and an Andrew Lloyd Webber bionicle.

Finally, to round off the launch party, Formula 1 maestro Lewis Hamilton took the wheel to demonstrate the Sex Potto’s agile handling to the press - who luckily scuttled out of the way in time when it fell over reversing out of the garage.

BAe Chooses Perfect Moment To Unveil Ruinously Expensive Toy

Just as defence secretary Dr Liam Fox confirmed that Britain’s pensioners would be far better looked-after by throwing huge wads of money at the MoD than by retaining any meaningful form of public healthcare, leading arms manufacturer British Aerospace triumphantly removed the wraps from the Toypenis, its latest £142m radio-controlled plane.

“Blah… blah… government resolve… blah… shape a changing world… blah blah… stay the course… blah… hard power - oh god, I’ve come in my pants,” gasped the defence minister, as he saw the obscenely pointless drone aircraft for the first time.

"The Toypenis boasts a full array of stealth technology, powerful engines, surveillance sensors, bombs, missiles and other sexual organs specifically designed to induce multiple orgasms in military personnel," announced a smiling BAe death merchant, as Britain’s top brass enthusiastically polluted themselves.

“Of course, we won’t know if it actually flies until next year, when we try switching it on,” he added. “But that’s a minor issue. What’s important is that, in military terminology, this thing has the most mouth-wateringly perky breasts you’ve ever seen on an airframe.”

UFO Unit Closed By Reptile-Dominated Military

The worldwide web is in danger of crashing today, owing to the unprecedented levels of posting, blogging, Tweeting and trolling which have followed the Ministry of Defence announcement that it is closing down its UFO investigations unit and redeploying its bored staff member to duties less detrimental to his CV.

According to the world's estimated 175 million leading self-appointed UFO experts, the unit's closure has already been irrefutably linked to the Tiger Woods crash, the shooting of Guinean military leader Captain Moussa Dadis Camara, a meeting held by the Nepalese cabinet on Mount Everest, the banning of a strange malodorous man from a library in Leicestershire, the recent spate of Virgin broadband outages and the death of Dambusters actor Richard Todd.

"Everything in the entire world is part of a huge alien conspiracy," said veteran troll THEYAreComing - albeit originally in capital letters - in the comments section of a clip of meerkats on YouTube. "The MoD is completely infiltrated by shape-changing lizards of the New World Order, acting on the orders of Hitler's EU. This unit was logging thousands of calls every week reporting incontrovertible UFO sightings. And that's just the ones I was making."

"What really keeps me awake at night - apart from obsessively flaming all the moronic brainwashed sheep who dare to question my brilliantly-reasoned and exhaustively-researched arguments, which are supported by all rational scientific geniuses, not least David Icke - is the knowledge that 'they' know where I live, and I could now disappear at any time," he added. "And I mean permanently, not like when my 75-year-old mother shouts up the stairs to let me know that my eggy soldiers are ready and cut just the way I like them."

A spokesman for the MoD said that, after 60 years of looking in vain for flying saucers, greys, mothership, men in black, ladies in red, death stars, cloaked Klingon birds of prey and occupants of interplanetary most extraordinary craft, the government had decided to reassess its military priorities, culminating in the reassignment of the UFO unit's staff to ironing an unspecified general's medal ribbons.

"Don't listen to that paedo retard," urged THEYAreCOMING. "He just emailed me to beg me for gay sex. And he married his sister."

Best Equipment In The World Ordered For British Troops

Every British soldier serving in Afghanistan will shortly be issued with their own Hallibritish Aerocockheed FU-9, the most advanced raghead-shafting machine ever built, said a spokesman for the Ministry of Defence this evening.

"Happy now?" he demanded.

Military Projects Permanently Years Ahead Of Their Time

Armed Forces Caretaker Bill Rammell has poured cold water on claims that MoD inefficiency in the procurement of new equipment is putting soldiers' lives at risk in Afghanistan, as suggested by a report leaked to the media today.

The top-secret document, written by special advisor Bernard Gray, states that current acquisition projects are £35bn over budget and, on average, five years late.

Mr Rammell, however, defended the department's record by pointing out that military projects were often at the cutting edge of technology.

"There is a maxim in defence procurement which says that by the time the hardware is in production, it's already obsolete," he pointed out as he swept an empty corridor of power. "Obviously we don't want our front-line soldiers facing the enemy with obsolete equipment, so we're constantly investing in things which are still in development. As soon as they get to the pre-production stage, we simply cancel the project and fund the search for its successor - thereby ensuring that we remain one step ahead of the opposition."

Unit commanders in Afghanistan - whose patrols are routinely sent out to tackle the elusive Taliban on horses with Lewis guns balanced on their heads - are, however, reported to be less than pleased by Mr Rammell's explanation, and are still clamouring for better weapons and transport.

"Let me reassure the troops on the ground that we are now actively trialling the latest in military hardware, prior to deployment across the Afghan theatre of operations," said Mr Rammell. "This 'Magic Wand' will make short work of Taleban guerrillas, roadside devices, landmines and suicide bombers, simply by turning them into fluffy bunny-rabbits or fluttering white doves. It will also overcome the shortage of transport helicopters, by granting each individual soldier low-to-medium altitude flight capability. And in the unlikely event of soldiers being wounded or even killed, they can be restored to full health just by a wave of a colleague's wand."

When asked how the trials were proceeding, Mr Rammell said that the exact details were classified, although the MoD had already succeeded in making hundreds of horribly-maimed soldiers magically disappear from public view.

"The war in Afghanistan is winnable," he added. "Let me assure you, when the winner of yesterday's democratic presidential elections is announced, you can be sure that magic will have played a major part in the electoral process."

MoD Guilty of 'Repairs', Alleges Father of Dead Hero

The Ministry of Defence has been criticised for repairing a helicopter, in a withering blast from the angry father of a soldier killed by a mine in Afghanistan - a man whose tragic loss has not only put him above all criticism, but has made him one of the world's foremost experts on helicopter maintenance.

Ian Sadler, of Exmouth, says he fainted in shock when he happened upon the shameful truth - in a letter written to him by the MoD - that a Chinook helicopter whose tail-mounted engine was damaged in a landing accident had its rear fuselage replaced in 2003 with parts from another machine captured in the Falklands War, and has been operating normally ever since.

"Everyone I have told about the helicopter being a 'cut and shut' has responded with disbelief, before walking off making circle signs around their temples with their fingers in a clear display of disgust at the lunacy of the MoD," said a purple-faced Mr Sadler. "It is penny pinching and an insult to the young men who are going to Afghanistan and risking, and losing, their lives. What they ought to have done, if they had a shred of responsibility, is to throw the damn thing away and buy another one, like you do when your car fails its MOT."

"How dare these bastards even think of repairing damaged aircraft?" he continued as he shook his fist at a small child building a sandcastle. "It's only a sheer bloody miracle that the tail hasn't fallen off this rattling deathtrap, spilling our brave lads out into thin air to be splattered all over the rocky terrain of the Afghan theatre of operations. Never mind that this is standard operating procedure in the military units of the world, or that the repair was carried out by highly-qualified RAF engineers, extensively air-tested and signed off by the manufacturers."

"When my wing mirror got snapped off, I had my last car towed down the scrapheap immediately and bought a new one," shouted Mr Sadler to an elderly couple on the Exmouth seafront. "Anything less would be an insult to my poor dead son."

New 'Armed Forces Man' Toy Most Realistic Ever, Says MoD

The nation's boys will be able to play with lifelike toy soldiers again for the first time in over a decade, as a British manufacturer launched a replacement for the much-missed 'Action Man' of yesteryear.

Now, working closely with the Ministry of Defence in a desperate attempt to brainwash children into joining the ever-shrinking forces, Character Group has created 'HM Armed Forces', a collection of realistic 10-inch toys in Army, Navy and RAF outfits - as well as all-new 'Demob Man' and 'Invalided Out Man' figures, which complete the range.

The former Palitoy version of GI Joe - first introduced in 1966 - was famous for its swivelling eyes, clutching hands and complete absence of genitals. However, the quest for extra realism led to extensive consultations with military WAGs, with the result that Armed Forces Man will now sport a disappointing, normally-proportioned wedding tackle.

Army Man will be complemented by a realistic Land Rover made of flimsy plastic, while RAF Man, when placed in his special exploding Hercules and Nimrod planes, can quickly be disassembled into a mangled assortment of limbs. Completing the set, Navy Man can be put inside a featureless black cylinder which is designed to sit at the bottom of the goldfish pond and be completely forgotten.

Meanwhile, Demob Man's eyes will swivel uncontrollably, and his hands will grasp a bottle as he struggles to obliterate the realistic memory of his friend Invalided Out Man stepping on a mine, while Invalided Out Man himself will come with no legs and only one hand, and will therefore be sold at a greatly reduced price.