Thursday, 16 October 2008

Toilet Terrorist Pleads Guilty

Plymouth’s very own terrorist, Crikey Blimey O’Reilly, pleaded guilty via video-link at the Old Bailey yesterday, following his failed attempt to blow up a toilet in Exeter.

O’Crikey is said to suffer from autism, Asperger’s Syndrome, low IQ, learning difficulties, terminal stupidity, cack-handedness, rabies, piles, an ingrowing toenail, nosebleeds, the screaming shits and the wildly-erroneous belief that an essential part of converting to Islam is an irrational vow to destroy the washroom facilities of the West.

Sentencing has been adjourned until the judge can stop laughing.

Some legal experts suggest that if O’Blimey had pleaded exemption from trial on the grounds of diminished responsibility, he would probably have got nothing more than a couple of years in a psychiatric unit.

However, in his willingness to have his hour - or possibly fifteen minutes - in court, the would-be martyr is thought to have set himself up nicely for eight to fifteen years in the maximum-security HMP Belmarsh, where he will provide welcome amusement to proper terrorists with his woeful tale of Janner incompetence.

“It’s the result we were hoping for,” said a spokesman for the Devon & Cornwall Police. “If O’Blimey had entered a Not Guilty plea, we might have had to tell the court why we endangered the travelling public by allowing a suspect under surveillance to take a bomb on a 45-mile bus ride to Exeter.”

Financial Crisis Deepens: Is Guy Ritchie Going To Withdraw Funds From Madonna?

Wall Street and London’s Square Mile were in uproar today, as it was announced that Guy Ritchie could potentially withdraw as much as £150m from the Bank of Madonna.

Ritchie - who directed Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels once, then twice, then three times - has invested heavily in the US giant over an eight-year period. However, he is now widely expected to attempt a huge cash withdrawal, which some analysts fear could lead to a disastrous speculative run on Madonna.

A spokesman for the couple expressed the hope that an agreement on the size of the withdrawal could be made without recourse to the courts, as the market debated whether Gordon Brown might try to nationalise Madonna.

US financial experts, meanwhile, said it was unlikely that the US government would inject federal funds into the venerable financial colossus, which has been making money for over a century.

Madonna’s assets are said to include a Nautilus multigym, an old pointy bra and a small Malawian child who was promised a stable home as recently as May, but whose value has clearly plummeted in recent months.

Tuesday, 14 October 2008

World Saved As Someone Buys Shares

On the eve of his departure for a meeting of EU leaders, it was smiles all round from Gordon Brown as he announced that the credit crunch was over.

“The spectre of economic ruin has vanished forever,” beamed the Prime Minister as stock exchanges rose slightly due to somebody somewhere buying some bargain-basement shares.

Mr Brown was dismissive of the simultaneous announcements of consumer inflation reaching 5.2% and house sales at a 30-year low, saying that these were not, and never had been, reliable indicators of economic performance.

“The consumer price index is just some made-up number that bears no relation to everyday life,” he scoffed. “It doesn’t even take account of everyday items such as online music sales or eBay auctions. And people aren’t buying houses for the simple reason that, under Labour, everybody is completely happy with where they’re living right now. What’s important is to find out just who has started buying shares, and to encourage them to buy more.”

At this point an aide rushed in and told the PM that the shares being bought were in fact preferential shares in Britain’s ailing high street banks - and they were being bought by his government as part of their emergency rescue deal, which is being underwritten by the taxpayer and financed by unprecedented levels of borrowing on the international market.

“Oh, bugger,” said Mr Brown.

Liverpool Pensioner To Stop Signing Fan Mail

A retired drummer from Liverpool has announced that he is too busy to sign autographs.

Mr Ringo Starr, 68, was famous in the sixties as the talentless one in the Beatles, who were forced to put up with his uninspired performances because drum machines had yet to be invented. He reached a new audience in later years with his droning, nasal efforts at narrating the Thomas the Tank Engine TV series which, judging from his lamentable reading of the script, he seemed to think was a public information documentary.

“I get loads of fan mail, me,” insisted Mr Starr at his retirement home. “Look, here’s a letter from somebody inviting me to join his book club. And another one wants me to save money to cover the costs of my funeral - and he’s even sent me a pen! Sorry, but I’ve got far too many things to do in my busy pop-star life. I’m due for my cocoa in a minute, and then there’s a repeat of Midsomer Murders on the telly. From now on, all my fan mail’s going straight in the bin. Even the one from a fan in Eastern Europe who wants me to send him my unwanted clothing for some charity fundraising event or other. Sorry.”

US Pop Teen Memoir A Shoo-In For Nobel Prize for Literature

Miley Cyrus, the 15-year-old star of US hit show Hannah Montana, has put the finishing touches to her eagerly-awaited memoirs, which critics are hailing as the most important book ever written.

The early chapters of the pop sensation’s autobiography are said to cover the period from her conception to the development of her limbs, leading up to her dramatic birth at the tender age of 0.

“My dad was like, ‘Wow!’ and my mum was like ‘Jeeesus-H-Fucking-Christ!!!’” says the teenager. “I thought, like, wow, like some appreciation here would be kinda nice? But then I realised like, hey, I’m actually BREATHING, like totally BREATHING AIR. Then - talk about unprovoked assault, which is like a felony, right? - this so-called doctor, like, SLAPPED me on the fanny? Hel-lo? Lawsuit Central! That‘s just like such an invasion of my personal space, not to mention SO disrespecting me as a woman?”

In later chapters Miss Cyrus movingly describes the agony of teething, and the lasting trauma stemming from the awful moment when she realised that her father, Billy Ray Cyrus, was responsible for ‘Achy Breaky Heart’.

Reality Television is About Television, Claims Media Pundit

Professor Noel Gallagher, head of Media Studies at Oasis University, has hit out at reality television shows, claiming they have “absolutely nothing to do with music and everything to do with television”.

In his latest academic research paper - entitled ’Dig Out Your Soul’ - Professor Gallagher singles out his colleague Dr Dannii Minogue for particular criticism, claiming that extensive computer modelling had demonstrated that “if there’s one person in the room who wouldn’t know talent if it kicked them in the arse, it’s Dannii Minogue. See table 7.4c and accompanying notes for proof of hypothesis.”

The media expert also claimed that his research pointed to the inescapable conclusion that the Eurovision Song Contest featured entries from countries that were not technically part of Europe and, moreover, did not truly reflect current cross-cultural trends in popular music.

He went on to say that - surprising as it may seem to some viewers - Dr Who did not accurately portray the latest scientific thinking with regard to post-Einsteinian mathematical models of relativity and dimensionality.

The eminent Professor Gallagher also courted controversy with his claim that Coronation Street was not entirely accurate in its depiction of life in the Greater Manchester area - and ended his paper by stating that, although it lay outside his special area of expertise, he would not be surprised to find that the same theory could be shown to be true in relation to EastEnders and London.

He added that he would no longer be signing fan mail.

Monday, 13 October 2008

Turn That Bloody Crap Off, Says EU

The European Commission today told millions of young people with MP3 and CD players that if they didn’t turn that bloody crap off, they risked permanent hearing damage.

“If you listen to that bloody crap for more than an hour a day, in five years’ time you’ll be deaf as a post,” shouted a spokesman.

“Turn it down, for God’s sake,” he added. “Bloody ’tss tss tss’ all the time, it’s driving me mad. Jesus Christ!”

According to the latest EU scientific research, young people today are not listening to proper music with a tune or anything. Continued exposure to high levels of bloody crap mean that, after five years, many listeners will be tone deaf for the rest of their lives.

The EU is looking into whether technical improvements could minimise the damage.

“What we need is some kind of filter that lets Tom Jones, Edith Piaf and Beethoven’s ‘Ode to Joy’ through, but blocks bloody crap like the Ting Tings or Simian Mobile Disco,” said the spokesman. “And Amy sodding Winehouse, of course.”

One proposal under consideration is the banning of CDs and MP3s altogether and reverting to cassettes, forcing the younger generation to listen to nothing more recent than ‘Pro-Gen’ by the Shamen, with a heavy emphasis on the albums of Queen and Dire Straits.

What Economic Crisis? Asks Lord Mandelson

The newly-ennobled Baron Mandelson of Foy and Hartlepool has questioned the reality of the world economic crisis, as it emerged that he will be receiving £234,000 in severance pay over the next three years after resigning from his EU commissioner post, together with tax concessions and a £31,000pa pension, on top of the £104,386 salary he will receive as a government minister.

“Do you like the robes?” asked Lord Mandelson, as he emerged from his investiture. “I had them tailored by Hardy Amies, you know, just before they went bust. Now, let’s stop this idle media speculation about a global recession, shall we? I’ve got a lot of respect for the press, a lot of respect - very difficult job, long hours, deadlines to meet, I do understand - but really, do they have to keep banging on about this so-called ‘economic crisis’? I mean, I can only speak as I find - and I find that I’ve never been better off in my life than I am now. So let’s put an end to all this doom and gloom, shall we? Confidence, that’s what it’s all about you see. Sorry, must dash, I’m off to look at a new flat - very stylish, good location - moving up in the world, appearances to keep up, and I’ve got quite a good deal on it. It’s not what you know, as I always say.”

The Prime Minister’s new business secretary also announced that henceforth he will be known as Lord Mandelson - well, that’s what he’d like, anyway. He certainly won’t be called Baron Hardup, that’s for sure.