Saturday, 9 July 2011

Newsagents Ordering Extra Copies Of Last Repugnant Issue Of Morally Bankrupt Paper

As 200 soon-to-be-redundant rats tearfully prepare the final issue of the vicious News Of The World, the great British public – riding the crest of one of its occasional fits of morality – is said to be eagerly looking forward to being disgusted one more time.

An unmissable souvenir of tabloid history
Speculation is rife as to how the cream of Britain's tabloid journalists will excel themselves in a final orgy of lawbreaking sleaze. Rumours abound of spade-wielding News Of The World journalists lurking in the vicinity the grave of Princess Diana with a goat and a bucket of Viagra pills, while insiders say readers might be advised to steel themselves for the unholy sight of carrot-haired News Corp chief executive Rebekah Brooks appearing in a centre-page spread in all her naked glory, engaging in unspeakable acts of depravity in front of the Cenotaph with a slobbering Abu Hamza.

“I’ve already had outraged customers begging me to reserve them copies,” said one corner-shop owner. “There’s no telling what the News Of The World will do to go out in a blaze of shame. After he laid into them last night on telly, maybe they’ll run a lavish photo-feature revealing the agonising anal violation of Steve Coogan with a TV aerial in unjustifiably lurid detail. That would fly off the shelves like shit off a shovel.”

“That Murdoch fucker’s gone too far, yeah, hacking the phones of dead squaddies’ rellies an’ Milly Dowler’s parents an’ shit,” fumed Sammi-Jo Potts, who has been an avid NotW reader since the age of 12, when she learned to drag her finger along a line of newsprint. “I can’t wait to see how he tops that, innit.”

“If they call Lenny Henry a kiddy-fiddler, right, I’ll be happy,” she added.

Friday, 8 July 2011

Toothless Miliband Urges Replacement of Toothless Press Complaints Commission With New Toothless Press Complaints Committee

Leadership indeed
The toothless leader of the toothless Labour Party, Ed Miliband, today issued a toothless call for the toothless, self-serving Press Complaints Commission to be axed in the wake of the dramatic closure of the News Of The World, and urged Britain’s newspapers to set up a new and equally toothless Press Complaints Committee in its place.

“Blah blah blah,” droned his toothless hole, as he toothlessly pointed out that self-regulation was a toothless safeguard against media excesses, only to suggest self-regulation as a particularly toothless solution.

He went on, toothlessly, to add that David Cameron had made a bit of an error of judgement in employing former NotW editor Andy Coulson as his director of communications, and toothlessly called for an apology from the prime minister.

Observers noted that Mr Miliband appeared desperate to avoid even the most toothless reference to Rupert Murdoch or his son James, both of whom are thought to have very active teeth.

Britain Appalled By Implication That Some Schools May Be Better Than Others

An indignant nation spluttered cornflakes all over the table this morning, as educational charity The Sutton Trust dropped a bombshell claim that some schools which charge parents a lot of money could possibly be better than some which do not.

According to the horrifying report, the top five schools – four of which charge fees, including the hated Eton – send more sixth-formers to Oxford and Cambridge than the 2,000 worst hellholes put together.

“This affront to humanity cannot be allowed to continue,” howled Sutton Trust chairman and selective grammar-school system alumnus Sir Peter Lampl (Corpus Christi, Oxford). “Everyone knows instinctively that Eton and its shabby ilk are nothing more than monkey-houses whose staff spend all their time wiping saliva off the chins of the idiotic spawn of inbred toffs; no offence, prime minister.”

“As it is universally acknowledged, not least by themselves, that feral children from inner-city estates are every bit as good as - in fact, better than - everybody else, it is obvious that every school ought to send exactly the same proportion of its pupils to university, regardless of ability,” he chipped. “Judging anyone by their ability is a cruel and barbaric practice which has no place in a civilised society, as any fool knows.”

Britain’s universities cringed in shame, wrung their hands, and begged the government to free them immediately from the awful responsibility of having to choose between applicants.

Meanwhile Linda Sinclair, the principal of top-five ranked - and state-run - Hills Road Sixth Form College in Cambridge, sat patiently but fruitlessly in her office all morning, waiting in vain for somebody to offer congratulations to her students.

Thursday, 7 July 2011

Evil Murdoch Threatens To Unleash Skeleton Army Against British Legion

The British Legion won't like this at all
As the betrayed warriors of the British Legion defected from his side, adding their STR to the thousands of irate peasants and merchants laying siege to his magic paywalls, malevolent dungeon overlord Murdoch today threatened to unleash an unstoppable horde of dead soldiers which his evil newsomancers have summoned from their graves in order to ask them how it feels to be a dead hero.

“The negative DM on these retired adventurers’ saving throws for morale, should they be forced to dismember the mortal remains of their former companions-in-arms in brutal close combat, would undoubtedly drive many of them screaming from the field of battle,” warned defence chieftain General Sir David, son of Richard. “There seems to be no depravity to which Murdoch will not resort in his unhallowed plans for gameworld domination.”

Enraged NPC villagers have spoken of their horror and revulsion when they discovered that the cackling megalomaniac employed a host of magic-users – under the command of his hated lieutenant, Rebekah the Witch - to read the innermost thoughts of not only their favourite bards and beautiful princesses, but even of younglings carried off by the dreaded paedo plague he had been taunting them with for years.

So far, however, many yokels continue to sit torpidly in their hovels, helpless to resist the baleful influence of the network of scrying windows which he has sent into their homes, draining their INT with bewitching visions of their fabled heroes disporting themselves playfully in the fields.

“We call upon Jeremy Cnut, the court jester, to wrest control of BScryB from this wicked monster immediately, before it turns all our churls into turnips,” urged the village’s pitifully few player characters with more than 5 points of WIS remaining.

By ‘Use Green Taxes To Subsidise Public Transport’ We Mean ‘Cram Even More Cash Down Brian Souter’s Yawning Gullet’, Admit MPs

This is the age of the train - it's 35
Shamefaced MPs on the Environmental Audit Committee reluctantly admitted today that when they called on the government to use fuel duty to lower the cost of using public transport, what they actually meant was hurling yet more billions of taxpayers’ hard-earned cash into the black holes of Stagecoach and FirstGroup.

Green taxes "cannot be all stick and no carrots," said the MPs this morning, and called for simple links to be made between taxing your car to high heaven and cheerfully throwing the revenue at what they fondly imagine to be more environmentally friendly alternatives - such as the clapped-out vintage diesel HSTs which First Great Western still employs to belch black, choking clouds of exhaust fumes into the rolling green pastures of Somerset as they pointlessly drag empty carriages full of unaffordable seats back and forth to London every hour, or the equally decrepit Leyland horrors they pulled out of scrapyards to squeal and clank their way around Devon’s picturesque branch lines.

“Admittedly, eye-watering subsidies on a scale undreamt of in the days of British Rail have not yet persuaded franchisees like Brian Souter - who have striven hard to turn Britain’s railways into a third-world system with out-of-this-world fares - to make a thousand-seater train a sensibly-priced alternative to a fuel-guzzling 50-seat airliner,” said aptly-named committee chair Joan Walley. “So the only possible solution to this problem is even bigger subsidies.”

“Sadly, another issue that won’t be addressed by throwing good money after bad is that, on the whole, your typical motorist doesn’t have to endure a howling, farting troupe of simian piss-artists whenever he goes for a drive,” noted BBC environment analyst Roger Harrabin. “Or, if he does, at least they’re family.”

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

Newspapers Clamour For Inquiry Into Just The News Of The World

Kill this evil monster! Kill it now! say all other papers
With one voice, the UK’s world-renowned newspaper industry has suddenly called on the government to set up a formal inquiry immediately – an inquiry whose terms of reference, they insist, must be strictly and absolutely limited to just the News Of The World.

“There are no words in the lexicon of disgust adequate to describe the latest phone hacking revelations involving just the News of the World,” thundered an editorial sermon from the virginal Daily Mail, which summed up the sense of outrage felt by the untarnished majority of Britain’s famously scrupulous journalists.

Prime minister David Cameron is now under mounting pressure to launch an inquiry into just the News Of The World before night falls, so tomorrow’s papers can loftily fill their front pages with self-congratulatory headlines declaring their absolute moral supremacy.

“We urge the prime minister to act quickly in limiting the scope of an inquiry to just the News Of The World, in order to focus all of its attention on the single rotten apple in the luxuriant orchard of British journalism,” said a spokesman for the National Union of Journalists, although strictly legitimate sources appear to indicate that he went on to mutter: “Before some nosey bastard starts wondering how the rest of us get our exclusives.”

Critics Of Mainstream Media Looking Forward To Huffington Post’s Rewrites Of Mainstream Media

The Computer is your friend! Can you doubt the Computer?
Millions who dismiss the established media as fatally dependent on agency copy and press releases were overjoyed today by the launch of a UK version of the Huffington Post, the mould-breaking alternative news source based on bloggers’ fearless and crusading rewrites of mainstream reports based on agency copy and press releases.

“I for one can’t wait to read the weasel words of the discredited UK media miraculously rearranged into God’s own truth by somebody who may or may not have the faintest idea of what they’re talking about,” said Starchild Moonflower, whose enthusiasm for the US original has convinced her that homeopathy has a firm scientific basis. “This really is a game-changing moment for the truth.”

“It’s on the internet, of course, so of course it goes without saying that every single item carries with it a cast-iron guarantee of absolute proof,” explained web-watcher Josh Geake. “You know, many of its contributors don’t even get paid. You can’t get more unbiased than that.”

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

News Of The World Exclusive: Hitler Only Heard About World War II In 1945 Surrender Demand

A concerned Hitler delivers a stern memo to the naughty Germans
A shocked Adolf Hitler only found out that the nation he ruled was fighting a brutal war of extermination in February 1945, when he received a stern ultimatum demanding his unconditional surrender signed by Winston Churchill, Franklin D. Roosevelt and Josef Stalin, according to astonishing new research by former News Of The World editor Rebekah Brooks.

“Imagine how poor old Adolf felt,” writes Mrs Brooks. “It must have come as a nasty shock when he realised he was being held personally responsible for the demise of 50 million people the irresponsible German people had sneakily killed without bothering to tell him.”

“Hitler was particularly upset to hear of their underhanded slaughter of six million of his very good friends, the Jews,” she explains in her astounding report. “There can be no doubt that the Allies’ vindictive accusations triggered a rapid mental breakdown which regrettably led to his tragic suicide two months later, and we should deplore our wartime leaders for vindictively pursuing a needless and petty vendetta against this deeply misunderstood, mild-mannered humanitarian.”

“With the benefit of hindsight, the Allies should have concentrated on wiping out the German people, who are a thoroughly disreputable bunch of sneaks and cheats, and recognised Hitler’s innocence by allowing him to carry on governing the rest of Europe,” she concludes.

Turkish Fridges Added To Ever-Growing List Of Shoddy Crap That Is Trying To Kill You

An estimated 500,000 homes are thought to be in imminent danger of exploding in flames, warn safety experts, thanks to their pauper occupants’ touching faith in the quality of Turkish electrical engineering.

“A fridge freezer from Germany, where the fundamental incompatibility of electricity and water is generally understood, normally costs about £600,” said a spokesman for the London Fire Brigade. “A Beko will typically save you a whopping £350, as long as you don’t mind waking up sweating with terror every night, convinced that your kids are choking to death on billowing toxic fumes.”

The elementary design flaw, which has led to at least 20 fires and caused a blaze in a London tower block only last week, allows water to seep into a timer switch, shorting it out and causing nearby plastics to burst into flame.

A spokesman for Beko said the company had asked Allah, who is responsible for its quality control, to contact at-risk customers and fix the fault if it was his will that they should live.

Monday, 4 July 2011

British Embassy In Washington To Erect Statue Of George III

Thank you, America
On the day when a tragically deluded USA foists yet another statue of Ronald Reagan on a strangely unimpressed world, Britain’s ambassador in Washington unveiled plans to erect a giant monument to America’s last monarch, George III, slap bang in the middle of the Washington Mall’s reflecting pool, which will undoubtedly amuse its hosts greatly with a huge fountain of water spraying endlessly from its private parts towards the Capitol.

“To be honest, we’d have clean forgotten barmy old George by now, but for the sterling efforts of FilmFour,” announced Sir Nigel Elton Sheinwald, “If millions of comments on YouTube are to be believed, however, it seems you chaps think of little else. So, to demonstrate the British people’s gratitude for the unsought gift of a statue of your greatest loony – which we hope to complement with the addition of his talented co-star, Bonzo - we’d like to return the favour by presenting you with one of ours.”

Appropriately, the staggering cost of constructing and maintaining the towering edifice is to be met according to strict Reaganomic principles, i.e. never.

World Struggling To Remember When It Last Revered British Model Of Policing

Mind how you go now, sir
A bemused world is currently wondering whether it is the one referred to by Sir Hugh Orde, president of the Association of Chief Police Officers, when he warned the government that its proposed changes could “threaten the impartial model of policing [which is] revered across the world.”

“Sorry, which bits are you most proud of again?” asked the world. “Gunning down an unarmed electrician with impunity, beating an innocent bystander to death, dragging aparaplegics out of his wheelchair or kettling harmless crowds for hours before laying into them with baton charges?”

After some deliberation, the world decided that Sir Hugh probably had Mars in mind.

“We could be wrong, though,” it added. “If he means this world, then the last time we had any warm, fluffy thoughts about your police was probably 1950, when ‘The Blue Lamp’ introduced us to the charming, dedicated but entirely fictitious PC Dixon of Dock Green.”

Sunday, 3 July 2011

Deserving Cases Could Live In Eric Pickles, Claims Minister

Yum, grub's up
Amid furore over a leaked letter suggesting that man-mountain communities secretary Eric Pickles appeared to have been concerned that the government’s planned £500 cap on housing benefits could make 40,000 homeless, health minister Angela Lansbury was hastily pushed in front of a camera to reassure the nation that “deserving cases” could be helped by opening up vast caverns within Mr Pickles and installing rudimentary lighting and a couple of windows.

“Young Conservative potholers have been exploring the inner folds of Eric’s digestive tract for some years now, and say they have mapped hundreds of room-sized voids and a couple the size of a cathedral,” explained a sweating Mr Lansbury. “I’m sure we could send a team of Polish painters and decorators in there to plaster over the cracks, put in a few partition walls and get the place looking like a regular home from home in no time.”

“And the plumbing’s already in place, which is a bonus,” he added. “It can get a bit noisy and whiffy in there at times, of course, but what do you expect if you’re on benefits – a ruddy palace?”

“Let me get this straight,” commented an appalled spokesman for Shelter. “The government’s idea of helping the poor is to feed them to Eric Pickles. I’m not certain that this is something we’d endorse.”

Chris de Burgh Invited To Smash Water Boatman’s Loud Penis-Rubbing World Record

Stop that at once
(This article has been removed due to the number of gratuitous and tasteless appearances of the offensive term ‘Chris de Burgh’.)