Saturday, 26 May 2012

Theresa May Urges Citizen Army To Repel Greek Hordes

The time for appeasement is over, says Mrs May
A cigar clenched in her mouth and flicking V-signs in the direction of Europe, home secretary Theresa May today delivered a stirring call to arms to the imperilled people of Britain - inviting them to sign up for the ‘Home Guard’ and defend Britain’s shores against imminent Greek invasion.

“Even though large tracts of Europe and many old and famous states have fallen or may fall into the grip of depressed euros and all the odious apparatus of fiscal rules, we shall not flag or fail,” Mrs May told a cheering Daily Telegraph. “We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight Greeks on the beaches, we shall fight Greeks on the landing grounds, we shall fight Greeks in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight Greeks in the hills; we shall never surrender.”

All over Britain, Mrs May’s incompetent but mustard-keen supporters took time out from marching round in circles, manning the barricades and muttering about fuzzy-wuzzies to sew inspiring new ‘Home Guard’ patches over their much-ridiculed ‘EDL’ armbands.

When reminded that the Conservatives had, in fact, surrendered the nation’s borders in 1973, Mrs May retorted that this was not their finest hour.

Arab Spring Enthusiasts Strangely Muted As Egyptians Vote For Fundamentalism Or Oppression

With most Egyptians voting for members of the Muslim Brotherhood or the oprressive government they overthrew in their democratic presidential election, the world eagerly awaits the thoughts of Facebook’s legion of pro-democracy campaigners on the matter.

Take your pick for the age of Aquarius
“The peaceful overthrow of the Mubarak regime, we were assured by hourly posts last year, heralded nothing less than the beginning of a new Aquarian age of unprecedented human advancement,” said Josh Geake, whose perception of everything that happens in the world is filtered through Facebook. “Now that Egypt is poised to wind the clock back either 50 years to authoritarian rule by the military or 1000 years to authoritarian rule by religious nutters, I have to say find myself in serious need of further enlightenment as to how this might usher in a new era of freedom for humanity.”

“I was led to believe that, once the people take control of their destiny, only groovy things can happen,” he frowned in bafflement. “I’m sure there’s a perfectly sensible explanation for what’s happened here, but frankly I’d much prefer hippies filling my Newsfeed with the stuff of dreams.”

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Facebook Starting To Regret Jumping Without Parachute

So long, Zuckers
As it plummets earthward at increasing speed, Facebook is showing signs of having second thoughts about the wisdom of leaping heroically into the stock markets without the benefit of a parachute.

“We jumped under the impression that we were going to float off into the wild blue yonder, thanks to the remarkable self-inflating valuation designed for us by thrill-seeking underwriters, Acme Bank,” posted Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg breathlessly, as he rapidly approached terminal velocity. “But the dotcom boom we were hoping to land on is getting closer every second, and now I can distinctly make out the words ‘Class Action’.”

“It’s looking uncomfortably like we’re about to be splattered messily all over the front pages,” he shared moments later. “Goodbye, cool world.”

Chimps And Humans Exhibit Similar Behaviour, Announce Researchers As Cameron Hurls Faeces At Rival

And there's plenty more where that came from
Anthropologists today unveiled conclusive proof that chimpanzees and humans share distinct personality traits - citing as evidence David Cameron’s classic exhibition of aggressive behaviour during Prime Minister’s Questions, in which the dominant male responded to a challenging display of Balls by screeching furiously and flinging handfuls of excrement across the floor of the House of Commons.

“This is a key part of the day-to-day ritual within the Westminster troupe,” whispered Sir David Attenborough, bravely squatting just inches from Mr Cameron, who hissed and bared his teeth threateningly but continued to forage for wine.

“Having no social status within the hierarchy of government, the tribal outcasts will, from time to time, openly flaunt their Balls at the leader just to provoke a reaction,” he continued sagely. “Most of the time he will ignore them as he goes about his routine, marking his territory and trying to pick fleas off his subordinates. However, his advances have recently been rejected by an older female, Angela, leaving him sexually frustrated and aggressive.”

“Oh, you dirty little monkey,” exclaimed the broadcasting legend indignantly, as a clearly aggravated Mr Cameron suddenly showered him with a barrage of shit.

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

‘Sandwich-Board Jobseeker’ Bollocks Celebrates Diamond Jubilee

Millions of cheering British employers took to the streets today to celebrate the 60th anniversary of the Daily Mail’s traditional ‘Desperate Jobseeker Dons Sandwich Board’ story.

60 glorious years
The much-loved national institution – in which the Associated Newspapers group patriotically does its bit for the unemployment figures by hiring an out-of-work drama graduate for a half-hour photoshoot – went walkabout on an M5 slip-road near Bromsgrove, which marks the farthest visit to the north ever made by a serving Mail photographer.

“In these uncertain times of global recession, when competition for jobs is fierce, it’s reassuring to the cunts who read the Mail to fondly imagine that, if they lost their jobs – through no fault of their own, naturally - they, too, would surely win through with the same bulldog spirit personified by our iconic middle-class jobhunter, while the sink-estate dolescum who infest our Jobcentres stuff their guts with KFC buckets in front of The Jeremy Kyle Show,” explained Associated Newspapers’ tormentor-in-chief Paul Dacre. “Times may change, but the time-honoured social hierarchy of unemployment keeps soldiering on. God bless it.”

Elsewhere in the Mail, it was revealed that the government plans to fine editors up to £1.00 if they persist in dumping rubbish all over their pages.

Employers To Regain Right To Fondle Your Breasts

In the middle of his hectic sightseeing schedule in Chicago, David Cameron insisted that Britain will only regain its rightful position as the dominant power on Earth when your boss is given back his God-given right to place his hand down your blouse and rub your nipples.

Keep that uniform damp, Miss Travers
“My good chum and tennis partner, Adrian Beecroft, is quite right to point out that, instead of being tied up in silly red tape, employers’ hands must be free to wander where they will,” said the PM, taking time out from his search for the upmarket restaurant where his hero, Ferris Bueller, famously pretended to be Abe Froman, the sausage king of Chicago.

Among other plainly daft socialist-inspired employment laws in urgent need of repeal - continued Mr Cameron, as he clambered onto a parade float to sing Twist and Shout - were the silly ban on giving underlings a good kick in the seat of the pants, tiresome compensation claims when they lose a limb after needlessly expensive safety equipment is removed, and the inexplicable proscription on executing menials who fail to tug their forelocks swiftly enough.

Monday, 21 May 2012

Police Release Hideous Abomination Upon World

Britain is cowering in its hovels tonight, as a rampaging monster cobbled together from parts of murder victims by hubristic police officers stalks the land seeking revenge.

The ungodly creation sprang to life at the height of a media storm, when auditors discovered that overreaching police forces deluded by their unhealthy obsessions have been furtively storing body parts in evidence rooms and canteen fridges for decades.

“We were just trying to create the perfect copper,” moaned project leader Superintendant Frank Einstein, after the vengeful creature cruelly tore him a new one. “The lads will be out all night, I promise you, scouring the countryside for anything they can use to fit up this unholy beast.”

STOP PRESS: Foul Creature Sighted In Arctic Waters

The grotesque approximation of police life has recently been sighted off the coast of Norway – where, its guilt-wracked creators suggest, it may be hoping to achieve some sort of acceptance in a bleak, desolate but critically-acclaimed Scandinavian investigative drama involving some sort of pullover.