Useless Bank Crisis Could Have Been Averted By Throwing Money At Britain’s Other Useless Bank, Says Financial Wizard

Mr Pants is lining up a new position for himself

“The clear and obvious solution to the collapse of Northern Rock was to flush an eye-watering loan down that other shining example of banking prudence, Lloyds TSB,” explained the incredible glowing brain of Hector Pants, as he prepares for his awe-inspiring jump off the top of the Financial Services Authority. “That would have given Lloyds the wherewithal to complement their own shrewd investments by buying Northern Rock, thereby combining two outstanding portfolios into one. Bingo! Crisis averted.”

In his farewell message to the cruel world, Mr Pants complains that Mervyn King - “that petty-minded little jumped-up cashier at the Bank of England” - just coughed nervously at his flash of brilliance, while “so-called chancellor of the exchequer” Alistair Darling merely glanced at his watch and claimed to be late for an important haggis-eating contest with his boss.

The City of London’s emergency services will be standing by later this month with shovels and buckets, after the high-flying genius rejected their advice against leaping out of the FSA wearing a 2-tonne solid gold parachute of his own design.

Everyone In Britain Too Busy Raping Children To Heed Deputy Children’s Commissioner’s Warning

Every girl in Britain has been repeatedly gang-raped by the age of 11, deputy children’s commissioner Sue Chickenowitz-Littlowitz shrieked at a shocked Commons Affairs Committee today.

“As one police officer who was the lead in a very big investigation in a very lovely, leafy, rural part of the country said to me: ‘There isn't a town, village or hamlet in which children are not being sexually exploited.’ Well, what he actually said when I put it to him was “Er, I wouldn’t know about that exactly, missus’ - but that’s not a denial, is it???” the wide-eyed chicken screeched in horror. "We should start from the assumption that all the children in Britain are being sexually exploited right the way across the country!!! By everybody!!! All the time!!! Even as we speak!!!”

Ban this evil thing now

The frantic Ms Chickenowitz-Littlowitz painted a grim picture of innocence lost, in which the wicked internet monster slyly lures sweet little girls into the nearest park with false promises of sugar, spice and all things nice, whereupon hundreds of local boys – all of them transformed into sex-crazed maniacs by a dangerous cocktail of slugs, snails and puppy-dogs’ tails – cruelly force them to perform something horrid on their tiny winkies for two hours each.

"I wish I could say to you that such things are uncommon,” she screeched, “But I'm afraid they are quite common!!! And parental blocks on the internet won’t help, because it’s the parents who are encouraging it, I tell you!!! Arrest them all immediately!!!"

When the astonished committee cautiously thanked the wild-eyed Ms Chickenowitz-Littlowitz for her valuable time and told her they would take her “most interesting” statement under advisement, she launched herself across the desk, clawing at their trousers and demanding to know where they had hidden their underage sex slaves.

That Idyllic Rural Olympic Opening Ceremony In Full

1. Lord Coe is discovered lying face-down among the hydrangeas, with a knife in his back.

2. Police seal off picturesque Olympic Stadium from 21st century.

Celebrating the timeless tranquility of the British countryside

3. Inspector of ceremonies descends in huge Volvo-sponsored balloon.

4. Identity parade featuring 1st Queen’s English regiment of middle-class suspects.

5. Buckinghamshire red herrings distributed among cheering spectators.

6. Display of formation dancing by police around illuminated replica of mulberry bush.

7. Spectators led merrily up enormous garden path.

8. Traditional pruning of tangled relationships.

9. Ceremonial unveiling of the guilty party.

10. Pub.

CofE Bishops Threaten To End 500 Years Of Poking Noses Into Secular Matters Of State

A bishop ponders the ineffable holiness of matrimony

In a strongly-worded declaration, the Church of England has warned that unless the government abandons plans to grant same-sex couples the same rights to the word 'marriage' which everyone else enjoys, it will bring five centuries of constitutional meddling in everybody else’s business to an abrupt end.

“Cor strike a light! Us what's in the established church can’t bear to fink abaht one geeza fondling anuvva geeza’s bum - which is why we finks abaht it all the bleedin' time!” exploded the state religion, in its submission to the home office consultation on drastic proposals to allow same-sex couples to use the same word for their relationships as owners of non-matching genitals. "Stands to reason, dannit?"

“Blimey, if this perversion uv Gawd Almighty’s special bladdy word goes froo I reckon, right, we'd just afta walk aht the 'ouse of Lords – which is where we vote on matters of vital bladdy importance to the 'ole bleedin lot uv yer, guided solely by the unparalleled words uv wisdom wot sam bunch uv wogs in the Middle East cooked up fahsands uv years ago - an' stroll straight into the lavin' arms uv the BNP,” explained the Bishop of Leicester. “Just bleedin' fink for a second, if yer will, wot old Darky Sentamu must be finkin' abaht that.”

“If marriage was good enough for Jesus an' them twelve buggers wot 'ung rahnd wiv 'im, it bladdy orta be good enough for you, yer bleedin' poofters,” he added vehemently. “Er...”

Now Google Can See You Wanking To Hitler In The Privacy Of Your Own Back Garden, Daily Mail Warns Readers

And, of course, it may give you cancer

A horrified Daily Mail has warned that Google and Apple are using ex-USAF SR-71 spy planes to overfly its readers’ secluded gardens at Mach 3, for the sole purpose of taking intimate photos of them with their SS trousers around their ankles as they innocently masturbate over pictures of their beloved Adolf Hitler.

“These sick images are so detailed that everyone on the internet will be able to tell at a glance whether the subject is circumcised or not,” shrieked editor Paul Dacre, who has suddenly lost all enthusiasm for the argument that those who have nothing to hide have nothing to fear. “Their photos of you, I mean, not your photos of Hitler.”

British Public Still Failing To Grasp Key Feature Of Hereditary Monarchy

Britain’s commoners have yet to comprehend that a head of state who is appointed by popular choice is technically a president, it was revealed today.

Where were you, Wills, you traitor?

A new poll of the Queen’s humble servants indicates that, having seen him being nice to his mummy on the box last week, they would quite like Prince Charles to have a go at ruling them one day after all.

“I swear to die a free subject rather than bend my knee to an elected head of state, because the stupid British public would vote for either David Cameron or Tony Blair - both of whom have shown themselves to be hopelessly out of touch with the great British public,” said a typical peasant, still draped patriotically in a damp, sweaty Union flag.

“Let’s stick with the hereditary system,” he urged joyless republicans, “Because that way we all get to cast our votes for that legendary man of the people, the Prince of Wales, who’ll get the job anyway on account of democratically dropping out of his mum’s fanny first. What could be fairer than that?”

“Unless he starts talking bollocks again,” he mused. “In which case, I’ll simply switch my vote to that legendary man of the people, the Duke of Cambridge, who’ll get the job eventually on account of democratically dropping out of his dad’s late wife’s fanny first. See? I win again.”

Primary School Grammar And Spelling Lessons To Be Enforced Retroactively

Unemployment will soon be abolished at a stroke, say Britain’s cock-a-hoop grammar Nazis, as education secretary Michael Gove announced plans not only to make primary-school pupils competent in both spelling and grammar, but also to apply the requirement retroactively to everyone under the age of 65.

“Faced with the Sisyphean task of mastering the apostrophe, the entire social networking generation, hordes of vehemently (look it up) self-diagnosed dyslexics and a legion of poetry slammers could be looking at a lifetime of hard labour,” smirked the authoritarian leader of the feared linguistic police - known to his admiring minions as the Grammar Hitler.

I'll give you "Sir is a looser", Mrs Thompson

“Think not merely in terms of our emptied Jobcentres; think, too, of the millions of freshly-vacated jobs available to those of us acquainted with the homonym and the semi-colon once the nation’s semi-literate dullards have been forced out of work and into very small chairs,” he shrieked. “Indeed, Mr Gove might want to make an early start on the teaching profession, I might add, with a punitive remedial category for the ones who bleat about ‘stifling creativity’.”

Under the education secretary’s master plan, after two futile years of struggling to comprehend their native language, the hapless returners will face the nightmare of having to learn a foreign language - possibly the dreaded polysyllabic horror known as German.

“My scheme will, of course, undergo a rigorous public consultation before the planned implementation date of 2014,” beamed Mr Gove, resplendent in the black uniform of a Sturmbanngrammatiker. “That shouldn’t be a problem, though; only submissions which are 100% correct will be considered.”