Thursday, 27 November 2008

Terrible Urban Carnage Fills Newspapers

This morning’s front pages were filled with brutal images of grisly, wanton slaughter in the streets, bringing shocked Britons face-to-face with the horrifying, random death of Woolworths.

With urban streetscenes all over the country transformed into deserted war-zones, the latest outrage saw over 100 innocent tat-shops twitching in their death-throes after the latest outbreak of senseless market blood-letting. Numbed citizens walked around in a daze, asking themselves how a loving God could allow such awful carnage to happen.

“I can‘t believe this could happen here,” said one white-faced bystander. “One minute I was cheerfully wandering around, looking for a cheap Britney Spears calendar, then suddenly prices were dropping all around me. I hid in the bargain basement until it was all over. When I came out, Woolies was just a bloody mess.”

Crap chipboard-wardrobe emporium MFI was named as another victim of the market attack. The DIY store tried in vain to make it out of town, but was ruthlessly cut down nonetheless.

The gruesome images of high-street destruction flashed across the world, bringing messages of support from as far away as India.

“What kind of shadowy, irresponsible organisation could be behind such a tragedy?” asked one Mumbai hotelier, his mundane routine of scrubbing blood from his bullet-riddled lobby momentarily forgotten as the ghastly images of much-loved stores slumped lifeless in the street seared themselves forever into his paralysed mind.

Blunkett’s Vision of Compulsory Volunteering

Six months of compulsory voluntary work for the under-25s are among the recommendations set out by former Home Secretary and compulsive shagger David Blunkett, in a report submitted to Gordon Brown today.

“Being sent round to weed your garden for you free, gratis and for nothing will demonstrate to the youth of today that we have to do things for ourselves as the global economic crisis develops,” he said. “Look, we all know that young people are the curse of modern society, and sooner or later they’re all going to get a community sentence. We might as well get it out of the way beforehand, and save the overburdened courts a lot of paperwork.”

When asked, on the Today programme, whether he saw the scheme as a form of compulsory national service, Mr Blunkett replied: “It’s been reinforced to me in the last year that you can’t have volunteering unless it’s voluntary.”

“But I can’t see it myself,” he added.

Shiny Bird Not Come Cornwall

Thanks to the sheer, jaw-dropping degree of ineptness to be found only in the South West of England, Newquay Airport is to close down for three weeks from December 1st - the date when Cornwall County Council were meant to take over its operations from its former operators, the Royal Air Force.

“Big shiny birds come, spew up plenty tourists with shiny beads - tribe happy,” said Andrew Mitchell, the councillor with overall responsibility for the project. “Bad day come. White boss with hair under nose, him say him go home now, bye-bye - tribe shit scared. Elders go Truro longhouse, smoke bigtime, say, ‘Andrew! You go big field, shin up tall longhouse, shout roger wilco at big cloud, daylong. Big bird come back you bet, tribe happy, no problem.’ But faithful Andrew shout roger wilco till cows come home - bastard bird no fucking come. Tribe beat Andrew with shitty stick, say, ‘You get Civil Aviation Authority licence, bumhead.’ Andrew ride long InterCity 125 snake longway to big big village. Boss man him very unkind to Andrew, say, ‘Where you emergency procedures? Where you air traffic control? Where you business plan?’ Andrew show special hollow coconut for him shout roger wilco bird. Boss man mighty cross, call Andrew utter fuckwit, give him thick ear. Andrew afraid go home now. Andrew cry.”

Cornwall County Council is understood to have contingency plans in place, however, as council leader David Whalley explained:

“Elders all go Newquay. Elders put fuck-off big fish in field, say, ‘Big bird, we damn sorry. Eat fuck-off fish, puke tourists - elders bring fish day after.’ That not work - elders give bird eat stupid bumhead Andrew.”

Monday, 24 November 2008

Unaffordable Stuff To Dangle Slightly Less Out of Reach

In his pre-Budget report, Alistair Darling today announced that stuff will be slightly less unaffordable, with VAT falling on Monday from an eye-watering 17.5% at every stage of the retail process to a merely jaw-dropping 15%. The hypothetical cut will last for 13 months, said the Chancellor, so even if you saved up for that consumer item you need to make your life complete, by the time you’ve got enough money to buy it, the VAT’s gone up again and you still can’t afford it.

“Nice Blu-Ray player, yes?” taunted Mr Darling. “Beautiful HD movies… you want? Hmm? Yes? Mmm? Ohh… but you can’t afford it. What a shame.”

Happily the tax cut will not apply to rich bastards, whose income tax increase has been deferred until after the next election, when it will be quietly abandoned by whoever is running things at the time.

Friendly Neighbourhood Bobby to be Replaced By Stupid, Murderous Robot

Human rights group Amnesty International has voiced concerns about the government’s plans to deploy 10,000 ED-209 law enforcement robots on the streets of Britain.

The planned replacement of front-line police officers with an army of cannon-armed ED-209s was announced by Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, in a move to tackle rising street crime. However, critics say that the robots - armed with multi-barrelled 20mm cannon - are ‘potentially lethal’, pointing to a drastic rise in shredded perps in the United States and Canada where the OCP-designed droids are already in common use.

The Home Secretary’s announcement received a slight setback when she was blasted to ribbons by a malfunctioning ED-209 at the press launch of the new policy, as baffled technicians grappled frantically with the control console. An OCP spokesman later claimed that, after the robot had challenged her to put down the bottle of Bacardi Breezer she had been waving as part of the press demonstration, it merely failed to hear the bottle fall.

“Britain’s nutter-infested streets aren’t carpeted like the Home Office,” smiled OCP vice-president Dick Jones, “So this glitch won‘t manifest itself on operations.”

Mr Jones also explained that, after watching old videos of Robot Wars, OCP was fitting the latest ED-209s with a spring-loaded self-righting mechanism, in case they should fall down stairs whilst pursuing fleeing yobs.

Meanwhile, Amnesty urged the tattered, bloody remains of the Home Secretary to consider less controversial alternatives to the ED-209 - such as the cyborg prototype that screamed insanely and wrenched its own head off.

“That would certainly stop the average piss-artist in their tracks, wouldn‘t it?” explained a cardigan-wearing spokesman.

Sunday, 23 November 2008

Charles Celebrates Past Arrival of 10,000 Jews, Impending Exodus of 12,000 Fascists

Prince Charles is celebrating the 70th anniversary of the arrival in England of 10,000 Jewish children, who were taken in as refugees from Nazi Germany, at a reunion at the Jewish Free School in Kingsbury, London. The 1938 evacuation was organised by charities including the Red Cross, and was known as the Kindertransport.

Meanwhile, Nick Griffin of the BNP is urgently trying to set up a reverse evacuation of 12,000 victimised British fascists to any country that will offer them shelter.

“Look at the state of our once-great country now,” said a BNP spokesman. “All them little Jews come over lookin’ a bit like normal British kids - ‘cep for their great big noses - and everybody went like, ‘Aww, int they ever so cute.’ Course, they all bladdy grows up, don’t they, and look wot ‘appened. They took all our jobs, bred like rabbits, set up a Jewish criminal mafia, let in the nig-nogs an’ infiltrated all our great British institutions, ‘cep for the Mail an‘ the Express gawd bless ‘em. Look wot ‘appened in 1939. They int bin ‘ere five minutes, an’ we’re smack bang in the middle of a bleedin’ great war against our natural allies the Germans, wot lost us the Empire an’ made us the larfin’ stock of the world. I tell yer, I’m gittin’ aht of ‘ere mate. This country’s finished, innit?”

Mr Griffin’s attempts to organise a Bigotertransport for his party’s recently-exposed members are meeting with little success - partly because no country is willing to take in 12,000 neo-Nazis, but mainly because the BNP membership is refusing to resettle anywhere that is full of bloody foreigners.