Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Everybody Now Worried About Rising Anxiety

People are becoming more fearful and anxious, according to a stark warning from the Mental Health Foundation.

A worrying seven million people in the UK have anxiety problems, says the disturbing report, 'In The Face Of Fear', with 77% saying that the world had become a more frightening place in the last ten years. The charity blames the media and politicians for creating what it calls a "culture of fear".

"It is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship," agreed one former politician, the late Hermann Goering. "Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country."

"Don't listen to that old Nazi," responded Gordon Brown. "If I were you, I'd be more concerned about knife crime, global recession, international terrorism, Islamic fundamentalism, the resurgence of the Real IRA and North Korea's plans to bombard Britain with nuclear warheads."

"Not forgetting all these dangerous, unpatriotic protesters, of course," he added.

Meanwhile, editorial staff at the Daily Mail were busy preparing a front-page article headlined: "STOP WORRYING OR DIE".

Unemployment Returns To Cities After Easter Break in Countryside

Unemployment, which was reported on Saturday to be growing fast in rural Britain, is now rising rapidly in urban areas, according to a report from the Work Foundation.

"What might be happening here is that unemployment may have gone for a short weekend break in the country, possibly on a non-working farm holiday in Cornwall," said puzzled senior researcher Naomi Clayton. "However, Easter is now over, and today we are seeing a huge rise in unemployment in Britain's major cities."

"Apart from in London, that is, which happens to be the home of the Work Foundation, the Commission for Rural Communities and hundreds of similar organisations which work round-the-clock churning out weighty reports full of meaningless statistics to prove whatever we're asked to," she added. "Happy days."

Phil Spector Overwhelmed By 'Wall Of Evidence'

The legendary sixties music producer Phil Spector has been found guilty of the second-degree murder of actress Lana Clarkson, after a Los Angeles jury listened to an impressive wall of evidence that he shot her in the face in 2003.

Spector orchestrated a long-playing plea of total innocence lasting for five years and two trials, despite his reputation as an overbearing bully with a penchant for waving guns in women's faces. However, the LA Police Department produced a huge-sounding wall of evidence, featuring courtroom hits like the chauffeur's testimony that his employer emerged from the house brandishing a handgun and saying "I think I killed someone."

Spector's defence lawyer - who claimed during the trial that Ms Clarkson had apparently shot herself in the mouth before standing up, carefully putting the gun in a drawer and then leaving the house to die in the courtyard - told reporters that the producer behind such timeless classics as 'You've Lost That Livin' Feeling' and 'Then He Killed Me' would appeal. However, music industry insiders thought this rather unlikely after today's verdict.

Monday, 13 April 2009

Earthquake Caused By Jesus

As millions of His followers celebrated his resurrection today, Jesus dramatically emerged from a giant fissure in the earth in the devastated Italian city of l'Aquila.

"Tada!" said the famously meek Son of God, winking cheekily and giving the thumbs-up to dust-covered emergency crews as they paused from their grisly task of pulling corpses from their shattered homes. "Hi everybody, I'm back! Did you miss me?"

The Saviour of Mankind then noticed the scenes of destruction all around him, muttered, "Whoops" and beat a hasty retreat back into the ground, as an angry crowd began to gather.

When news of the abortive Second Coming of Christ reached the Vatican, the gold-laden Pope looked up briefly from his sumptuous banquet and asked, "Who?"

Brown Saves Planet With Even More Cars That Nobody Needs

The Prime Minister is today being hailed as the man who single-handedly saved the planet, by launching a green reward scheme to give £2000 to car owners who are willing to scrap the perfectly good car they already own and buy a new one they don't need.

"Take a long look at that bog-standard old Megane sitting in your drive," said Mr Brown. "You've had it for a couple of years now, and by now you must be feeling a bit bored with it. Wouldn't you rather have a sleek new Ford Focus C-MAX?"

"Go on, guv," he added, "You know you want it. Bugger the recession - look, here's two grand for your old banger. Good runner, is it? I can see it's been well looked after, but you know that's a stack more than you'd get for it if you sold it on. Cor blimey mate, the depreciation on Renaults is a shocker, I tell you - a shocker."

Under Mr Brown's scheme, perfectly good cars which have lost their showroom sheen will be towed to scrapyards, where a few bits will be recycled if removing them isn't too much trouble. Owners will then be able to drive home a brand new car with a built-in satnav and mp3 player, fresh from the huge industrial production lines of the grateful motor industry.

Britain's carmakers - Ford, General Motors, BMW, Nissan, Honda, Tata Motors and the Nanjing Auto Corporation - said they were delighted with Mr Brown's generous donation of money he hasn't got.

"This means that our robot factories can keep shitting out completely unnecessary cars, right up to the day the world finally runs out of resources," grinned a spokesman from the Society of Motor Manufacturers and Traders. "Tomorrow we will suggest to Mr Brown that he ought to extend the scrappage allowance to anyone who wakes up in the morning and decides they're not so keen on the colour of the car they've just bought."

The recession-hit construction industry is now looking into the possibility of getting Gordon Brown to give you twenty grand so they can knock down your house and put it back together again, while you swan off to the Seychelles for six months.

Sunday, 12 April 2009

PM's Easter Message To Your Children: 'You Belong To Me'

Your children will be enslaved, announced a chuckling Gordon Brown today, as he declared that it was his fervent desire to force everyone under the age of 19 to carry out at least 50 hours of hard labour.

"My ambition is to create a Britain in which there is a clear expectation that all young people will undertake some service to their community, and where forced labour will be a normal part of growing up in Britain," he explained. "The word 'voluntary' now means 'compulsory'. This is part of our Newlabourspeak programme, which we began years ago with the redefinition of 'socialism' as the acme of unconstrained free-market capitalism."

Leading community organisations such as Tesco and Sainsbury's are keen to play their part in Mr Brown's novel scheme.

"British family life is traditionally centred around a refreshing stroll through our colourful aisles," said Tesco CEO Terry Leahy. "Although our profits are entirely unaffected by the recession, we would make even more money if, rather than paying young people to stack our shelves, we could obtain their services for nothing courtesy of the government."

Local authorities, keen to make up the huge losses they incurred by blowing council taxpayers' money by backing a three-legged Icelandic horse, say they are hoping to replace their binmen with teenage slaves.

"When I say 'at least 50 hours', of course, that's just a figure that popped into my head," said the Prime Minister. "It could just as easily be two years. In fact, I quite like the sound of that."

Under the scheme, parents will deliver their offspring to New Labour Camps, where they will be deloused, issued with a distinctive striped uniform and allocated a challenging work schedule according to the demands of Britain's business community.

"This scheme will deliver a powerful message to British youth," shouted Mr Brown, "And that message is: 'You are worthless little bastards and I hate you.' I'll make sure that, by the time you've finished your daily contribution to society, you won't have the energy to protest about the lumps of gristle in your bowl of watery soup, let alone climate change."

"This is only the beginning," screamed our glorious leader. "Soon I hope to extend the scheme to cover every man, woman and child in Britain. Everybody can - and will - contribute to our national recovery. Even the sick, the elderly and the disabled can render valuable service to the candle, soap and lampshade industries."

Unofficial sources suggest that the scheme will be launched under the memorable banner, 'Work Makes You Free.'

'Is There A Prize At The End of This?' Ask Police in Human Jigsaw Hunt

Police in Hertfordshire have confirmed the discovery of another part of a dismembered body - this time, appropriately, in Gore Lane, Standon.

Britain's police forces now have five parts of the corpse, including a head, two legs and a forearm.

"We're all very excited," said a spokesman for the Hertfordshire force. "We've got officers searching in their spare time, hoping that this treasure hunt is some kind of publicity stunt with a million-pound prize for guessing the identity of the victim."

"Whoever is behind it, full marks for originality," he continued. "And Gore Lane? Bloody hilarious! How we laughed. We're now searching street-index maps for similarly appropriate locations. If anybody lives in Bloodthirsty Avenue, Dismemberment Close, or for that matter No-Particular-Sense-of Urgency-In-Catching-This-Maniac Lane, give us a bell."

"Ho ho," he added. "It's good to get back to the lighter side of policing."